Leadership Journal

For the third time in a week, Ed Hastings burst into my office with a health crisis-only this time, it was really serious. He threw his arms around me and began to weep. "Pastor Matt," he choked, "you better start planning my funeral. I think I have AIDS."

As it turned out, Ed had never engaged in high-risk behavior nor been tested for aids. It was simply Ed's way to up the ante on his personal problems.

So as he clung to me, sobbing and shaking, I began to mentally list his other ailments. Over the past seven years, Ed had called the Mercy Ambulance crew for a half dozen alleged heart attacks (one during a worship service), two cases of dehydration (he forgot to drink), an ulcer, and a possible hernia (it was just a pulled groin muscle). I also recalled my tri-weekly sessions to deal with Ed's depression, addictions (including pot, sex, alcohol, prescription drugs-to date), suicidal thoughts, relational crises, employment struggles, family problems.

For six years I had pastored Ed through every crisis, praying with him in countless hospitals and emergency rooms. But his "AIDS crisis" was the last straw. I finally realized that Ed's soul functioned like a sieve: the more I poured in, the more he leaked out. After dozens of crisis counseling sessions, Ed was still looking to me to fill him up, and my arm was weary from pouring.

Ed represents a growing subgroup in our increasingly dysfunctional society. Carl George calls them EGRs-the Extra-Grace-Required parishioners. Gordon MacDonald prefers VDPs-Very Draining People. I like CWN—the Chronically Wounded and Needy parishioner.

Like Ed, every CWN is, first, deeply wounded. Often tramautized by abuse, abandonment, or family dysfunction, CWNs limp through life. Their wounds are real, though they develop self-defeating methods to seek healing.

Second, CWN parishioners exude neediness. They are often clear about who can cure their neediness-the pastor, who is friend, guru, and handy therapist. So they hang around church. They cling. If ignored, they may pout or perhaps create a new crisis-anything to get the focus back on their needs.

Third, this is usually a chronic condition. There is no quick fix-a fact I have often failed to appreciate. Instead, I have thrown myself into fixing a schizophrenic young mother, a transvestite father of three, a teenager with fetal alcohol syndrome, a young woman with borderline personality disorder, and, of course, Ed the hypochondriac. But after emptying my bag of pastoral tools, most of these people were still wounded and broken.

By demanding so much and giving so little, people like Ed leave their pastors-and often the church-feeling confused, tired, and frustrated. How can we minister to the chronically wounded and needy without feeling chronically tired and used up?

CWNs burn up pastoral fuel and then press harder on the accelerator. It's easy to resent their presence. Healthier ...