Leadership Journal

After a staff meeting, Sue whispered, "Can I speak to you?" We slipped into the next room, and she closed the door with a firmness that caught my attention.

"I have a problem with you I need to address. The ministry calendar came out yesterday, and you scheduled something on a night that I planned to do a training. I can't believe you'd do this without talking to me. You always do this! You never ask me …"

On she went, angry at being shut out of a decision she should have been a part of. I was dumbstruck. I hadn't known of the problem. Another person was responsible for the colliding dates, someone that Sue was mad at a lot. I didn't want to point fingers, and I didn't want to add to the tension in their relationship. I also felt she had every right to be frustrated, so I decided to absorb her anger, apologize, and promise to make the appropriate correction.

That was the first in a series of bad decisions in that conversation. I'll spare you the ugly details. But my attempt at an amiable apology was flattened by Sue's need to make sure I "got it." I got defensive. She talked faster and louder. How she could treat me—a friend!—that way? It ignited a full blown argument. Out came every annoyance, every slight that had occurred in our year of working together. Both of us ended up crying and desperate to end this nightmare conversation.

Of course, most confrontations don't end so dramatically. In fact, many are worse—both parties walk away having maintained their dignity, but seething. At least Sue and I could not hide from the fact that we had a problem.

This disaster made me determined to improve the way I handled ministry's inevitable difficult confrontations. Here's what I learned.

Prepare, prepare, prepare!
One of the most dangerous inclinations in confrontation is to do it immediately—when you're agitated. Sometimes we're so angry we can't stop from venting. A better idea is to plan for the difficult conversation. Like painting a room, prepare before you pour the paint.

1. Clarify your intentions. Is your goal to set him straight? Get your way? Make sure she knows you're in charge? For a confrontation to be effective, the purpose must be to find truth. Entering the conversation believing you already see the whole picture is to court disaster. Approaching a confrontation as a way for everyone to grow, instead of an opportunity to "fix" someone, we pave the way for success.

2. Begin with empathy. Have you ever gotten a traffic ticket and had to tell your spouse? What happens if he responds with anger and accusation: "A hundred bucks! Nice going! How are we going to afford that?" Now examine your emotions. Who are you mad at? Your spouse! Your mind immediately begins retrieving all sorts of data to prove he's just as guilty as you.

Now imagine a different response: "Oh, how awful! There's nothing worse than seeing those lights in the rearview mirror. How are you feeling now?" Like hugging your spouse, probably. Who are you mad at? Yourself!

Empathy opens ...