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Home > Issues > 2012 > Winter > Ministry Meltdown

Something happened to me in my early 40s that confused me. The church was growing by 20 percent or more each year, and we were building buildings, adding staff, and the requests to speak and teach outside of our church were increasing. I was invited to lead the preaching department at Bethel Theological Seminary as a permanent part-time professor; I couldn't have scripted my life any better. Everything I was doing seemed to fit who I was. But about two years into it, I was miserable.

I didn't see it at the time, but the demands on my life had outgrown my ability to keep up. I felt tethered to so many different people and obligations that one day I took my canoe out to a local lake in the driving rain, paddled out to the middle, and just sat there for two hours. With rain and tears streaming down my face, I looked up toward the grey sky and said out loud, "What's wrong with me?" What confused me was that everything that I was doing was good. But doing all of it was slowly sucking the life out of me.

Danger signs

The cracks started showing up in harsh comments and bursts of anger toward my wife, kids, and staff. I had become a recluse at the office. I sequestered myself behind a closed door, because I had to crank out a sermon, lesson plan, or meeting agenda. Tensions between my staff and me were swept under the rug. If someone got hurt, well, as far as I was concerned, it was tough luck, suck it up, and just do your job. There was no real interaction, just get it done and don't bother me, because I was in demand and people should understand that.

At home I was even worse. I was a brooding and angry man who reacted to the smallest slights with hurtful comments and gestures. The kids learned to stay clear and wondered quietly to my wife, "Why is dad like he is all the time?"

Between Laurie and me there was plenty of yelling and tears, followed by days of staying out of each other's way. I didn't understand why I felt or behaved that way. I thought everybody else was the problem, and that they just didn't understand my world. I excused my behavior because "I was doing what God had led me to do." And that was true, I was doing what God had led me to do, only I was doing too much of it.

I had a sense that something inside me was breaking. But I didn't have the time or energy to address it. I was also too afraid to allow anyone to have access to my soul.

Emotionally, I was depleted, and it showed up in my inability to love or to laugh. Bill Hybels once said, "The way I was doing God's work was destroying the work of God in me." My inability to love or laugh manifested itself in a very painful way on a family trip to the North Shore on Lake Superior.

Blue Fin Bay

After four hours on the road, we unpacked our stuff at Blue Fin Bay. That's when I discovered I had packed all the skis but no ski boots, which was just enough to tip me over the edge. My frustration erupted: "How can I be expected to keep track of everything? How can I be responsible for the kids' stuff, my stuff, and everybody else's stuff? No wonder I forget things!" I was blowing off steam that had built up for weeks, and my family was on the receiving end. By day three my lousy mood had pretty much ruined the whole trip, but I thought maybe a three-mile family hike to Carlton Peak along the Superior National Trail would lift our spirits. When I mentioned the hike to my family I should've picked up on the silence, but I guilted them into going—in the fog, in silence, in protest.

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Related Topics:AngerEnergyFailureMistakesPrideRepentance
From Issue:The Outreach Issue, Winter 2012 | Posted: March 26, 2012

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Displaying 1–5 of 28 comments

Scott

April 30, 2012  11:32pm

For more from Bob I highly recommend his first book, When Life's Not Working: 7 Simple Choices for a Better Tomorrow.

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Terry S.

April 25, 2012  6:19am

Ministry is about Balance and I was there and had to rely on my Faith, Friends & Family and at times they were not there. Book call "Running on empty"..God became my source. I remember asking God for a fast and my Bishop called a Fast on Tuesday and Thursday to 12noon the next day. It bless me!!!thought wife and I was going opposite direction,kids was tripping, job trippin, ministry staff with titles was trippin. But the wilderness experience has a way of humbling us. truly a potter house experience. Thank God for HIs Grace and Me rcy. BUT=Before U Trip...God had it all under control, then get a call from a friend in the ministry and had to minister to him, by wilderness experience.

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Richard Cameron

April 24, 2012  8:10am

Bob, thanks so much for such an honest and helpful article. 4 years ago I had a break down and ended up off work (I am a pastor) for 16 months. Living in the UK I was fortunate, through the National Health Service, to come under the care of a wonderful clinical psychologist. I told her I doubted I could change. But, with her patient guidance, I am a new person and a new pastor. I have changed almost everything in my life: the way I prepare, the way I visit, the way I lead. It's just an excuse to say we cannot change. We can; but we will need professional help to do so. But find the right helper and the reward for your humility is you get your life and your ministry back - and you can begin to enjoy them both again.

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ann j

April 10, 2012  1:29pm

Excellent article. Thanks for your honesty. And your daughter sounds amazing.

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AC

April 09, 2012  12:39am

You know what's scary? Having already become that monster, more or less, at the age of 26.

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