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Back in 1999, 13-year-old Emily Chapman, daughter of Grammy Award-winning musician Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, began a campaign to convince her parents to adopt a baby from China. She never dreamed it would be this successful! Five years and three Chinese children later, the Chapmans are one of thousands of Christian families who have discovered the blessings of international adoption. Shaohannah, 5, Stevey Joy, 2, and 1-year-old Maria have joined Emily, now 19, Caleb, 15, and Will Franklin, 14, to make the Chapmans' Nashville home a center of exuberant—and seemingly nonstop—activity.

A Life-changing choice
Adoption is obviously a life-altering process for the adopted child, but we don't always hear much about how the adoptive family is changed and shaped as they open their home and hearts to a child. For the Chapmans, the move from being a family of five to one of eight has brought unforeseen blessings. Steven and Mary Beth say that parenting a second set of children has given them a whole new understanding of who they are as parents and their real role in the lives of their children.

"We have some perspective we didn't have before," says Steven. "When our older kids cried at night, I'd think, I'll be sleep-deprived my entire life! Then all of a sudden, that's gone and the kids are hardly around. So now, when Stevey's crying at night, I know it will pass."

Adopted children, especially those who have spent time in institutional settings, often have unique needs, a fact that has moved the Chapmans to make some bigger philosophical changes in their parenting as well. "With an adopted child," Mary Beth notes, "you throw all the rules out the window. For example, because of attachment issues, when an adopted child cries out at night, you go to her every time. Shaoey needs to know I'm always going to be there for her. That's stuff we never would have done with our biological children."

The Chapmans have also found that parenting the second time has been much more relaxed than the first go around. Steven says, "With our first three kids, Mary Beth thought she had to do it all, but now she knows she can't. The house is going to be a wreck, and we can either stress about it or sit on the floor and play with the girls."

Adds Mary Beth, "We're more aware of how little control we have over how our kids turn out. We made so many mistakes with our other kids, but fortunately they've turned out great. We know God is in charge of this process; we just need to do the best we can."

Because adoption can involve issues such as past abuse, attachment disorder, or physical or mental impairment, families inclined to adopt often are wary of the impact these issues might have on their other children. Certainly bringing another child into a family is always an upheaval. And the extra demands of an adopted child typically lead to that child getting what may seem to the other children to be more than their share of parental affection and attention. But the Chapmans have found that the positive impact on their biological children far outweighs any negative results.

"When we told them we were adopting a second child, they were so excited," Steven recalls. "You'd have thought I'd told them we were going to live at Disney World!"

Mary Beth continues, "Still, even though they can't articulate it this way, they know that with every child we bring into our home, we're splitting their inheritance, not to mention our time and attention. But somehow they understand that on a spiritual level, God is changing their hearts. Most kids today live in a self-centered culture that plays into their 'I want, I need' attitude. Our children have been confronted with the fact that life isn't just about their agendas-it's about God's agenda. They don't always like that, but this experience is teaching them that their wants and needs aren't the most important thing in the world."

A bumpy road
But along with the blessings of adoption come tremendous challenges. The idea that all a child needs is a loving home and everything else will take care of itself is a myth that can set families up for painful disappointment, warn the Chapmans.

"We have some very good friends who had to take one of their adopted children to a residential facility for a time because his problems were simply too big for them to deal with as a family," says Mary Beth. "It was a heartbreaking decision for them, but they knew it was what needed to be done. They aren't ever going to stop being his family, but it has not been an easy road for them. We've watched them struggle with him for years, so we went into our adoptions with our eyes open."

And indeed, there have been moments of difficulty for the Chapmans. "A couple nights ago," says Mary Beth, "Shaoey told me she missed China and her 'birth lady.' No matter how many princess outfits we buy her, how many books we read to her, or how much love we lavish on her, there's a hole in her heart."

Both Steven and Mary Beth have had their moments of wondering if they were walking down the right path, especially as they considered adopting for a third time. Steven remembers talking to his older children about adopting a third child. He says, "Oddly enough it was Emily who resisted. Will Franklin followed her lead and they said, 'Enough is enough.' Emily was in her senior year of high school, getting ready to go to college, and she said, 'This one won't even know me.'"

Their response rocked Steven. "I wondered, Is this a sign?" he says. "I asked the kids to pray about the adoption, and told them I'd do the same. As I prayed, I sensed a peace about adopting our third child. So I told the kids I'd taken their concerns to heart but after listening to God, I felt it was right for us. Once I told them that, Emily immediately said, 'Okay, that's all I needed to hear. If I know God has told you this, who am I to question it? I'm your child, and I'll respect it.' I like to think that as they see our faith guiding our decisions, they realize God will guide them as well."

Steven says he has come to believe that adoption is one of the many ways God is active in the world. "Every time I've brought this to God," he says, "I've said, 'This doesn't make sense. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to do this for selfish reasons.' It was as though I heard God chuckle and say, Do you really think this idea is from Satan—to adopt an orphan and bring her into a Christian home? When you look at it that way, even when adoption doesn't make commonsense, it makes spiritual sense."

God's family picture
Steven remembers the moment he knew international adoption would become more than a one-time thing in his family. "One Sunday at church, God knocked me on my rear. Our good friends have four biological children and four adopted, and have gone through some hard times with these kids. That particular Sunday morning, they were having their three youngest children dedicated, including a child they'd just adopted from China. I knew all the tough times they'd already been through, and here they'd gone and adopted another child! As this family stood before the congregation and the pastor talked about how faithful they had been, God clearly showed me this was a picture of His family. He told me, If you want to be part of what I do, this is it.

The Chapman family

"It was like a father putting his arm around his son and saying, 'I want us to do something together. It's going to be hard, and if I have to, I'll carry you, but it's going to be awesome.' I left church that day knowing that our family would keep growing. And we wouldn't change that for the world."

For Mary Beth, the ways in which becoming an adoptive parent have changed her and her family are more than worth it, no matter what the future holds. "There may or may not be issues ahead for us," she says. "But even if Shaoey turns 16 and says, 'I hate you, I'm going back to China,' I know God put Shaoey in our lives; God put Stevey Joy here, and God put Maria here. Whether it's all peaches-and-cream or it's miserable, this is God's work."

While not every family is ready for the challenges of adoption, there are plenty of ways for all of us to get involved in the work God is doing in the lives of children who need families.

"If you've ever thought about adoption," says Steven, "there's only one person who would put that in your mind-the Father to the fatherless. Just having the idea indicates God's inviting you to something. Perhaps it's an invitation to support adoptive families waiting for grant money to adopt; perhaps it's more. God doesn't necessarily call everyone to international adoption, but I believe everyone's invited to care for orphans and widows. I know from our experience that when we accept that invitation, God blesses it."

Carla Barnhill, former editor of Christian Parenting Today, is the author of The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Baker). She and her family live in Minnesota. Carla adapted this article from an interview that first appeared in CPT.

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