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I don't think I have a fashion problem. Yet here I am, on what I thought to be a blind date, suddenly ambushed by my schoolteacher coworkers—and style experts Stacy London and Clinton Kelly from The Learning Channel's What Not to Wear. My friends have nominated me for this fashion makeover tv show in hopes its $5,000 shopping spree will coax me out of my boxy homemade outfits.
I've worn these modest clothes in an effort to be a good Christian. And for years, I've been a happy refugee from the fashion world, planning never to return. But after I pray about this opportunity and realize it's a unique chance to share my faith, boy, will I be returning to the fashion world this week!
Monday: Sweet, but QuirkyTaping begins in New York. And, to my surprise, Stacy and Clinton reveal footage WNTW shot of me the previous few weeks in my California hometown. Cameramen posed as researchers to ask my friends and me about fashion. I blasted the industry for making women fit into goofy, pinching clothes. When the WNTW staff saw my interview, they thought I was quirky and chose me for the show. Then they secretly videotaped me at school, church, the gym, and the beach. As I watch the tape, Stacy and Clinton critique my opinions and outfits.
Then, afraid to hurt me with their signature sarcasm, they stop the cameras. "We've never hosted such a sincere, sweet guest," they marvel, telling me how kind and friendly I am compared to other angry, defensive guests. I know my friends told Stacy and Clinton of my faith the night of the ambush, so I'm glad I'm reflecting the Holy Spirit's gentleness.
"I have two older brothers," I assure them. "I can take a little teasing!"
But I'm not sure I can take this afternoon's grueling shopping adventure. With most sizes in European numbers, finding the right fit is torture. So is weeding through all the tight, revealing items. I pick up one top so skimpy I couldn't even wear a bra with it! I grimace at synthetic fabrics, which I've always hated. And seeing the price tags, I realize the $5,000 credit card from WNTW will buy only about 20 items. How will I follow Stacy and Clinton's guidelines on my limited budget back home? I wonder. And how will I share my faith while they teach me what I don't want to learn?
Tuesday: Trashing My WardrobeI have a chance to explain my beliefs when Stacy and Clinton evaluate my old clothes and suggest better alternatives. "Why not show off cleavage in a body-skimming outfit for evening?" Clinton asks. I gently tell him less modest styles aren't right for me.
But I listen as he shows me how billowy dresses look cheap. He calls a loose-fitting green dress I made from thick, drab cotton "a pregnant grandmother's dress." And he says the same of my blue dress with a sailor's collar. For the first time, I see their shapelessness. Then he suggests straighter styles with empire waists to accentuate my long legs.
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