| was eating dinner with a friend one year ago | when he told me what had just happened in his church on the West coast. People had been upset with the pastor and wanted to get rid of him. They called a special meeting, and one by one, they publicly stood up and told all the reasons they didn’t like him and his performance. Sitting in the congregation listening to all this was the pastor’s eleven-year-old son and, of course, his wife.
The image of this story stayed in my mind for months. How could something so cruel and thoughtless happen in a church? What would this do to the pastor and, perhaps more important, to his son? Fifty years from now, that son will probably still be scarred. Other men in other professions may get fired, but seldom with such exquisite humilia
tion, and certainly not in front of their own families. This is just one of many horror stories I’ve heard the past two years while working on LEADERSHIP. Reading the articles pastors and others in ministry have sent to us has confronted me again and again with the frequency of their traumatic experiences. It became increasingly probable to me that the following scenarios are true of both lay and pastoral leaders:
¥ Although we all have heard of church splits and bitter wrangles in congregations, until it happens to us personally, we think it’s “always the other guy,” and because we’re so well intentioned, it’s unlikely to happen to us.
¥ When it finally does happen, it catches us on the blind side. We feel betrayed, humiliated, perhaps blocked from continuing ministry. That other Christians are the source of the pain is especially unanticipated and painful.
¥ If someone is in active ministry of any type for long, it’s probable he or she will hit a traumatic experience. For some it will occur in the first year of ministry; for others, after forty years or more.
Were these and other assumptions accurate? We decided to do a little research into the experiences of LEADERSHIP readers. We sent questionnaires to five hundred randomlyselected persons representing most denominations. They were predominently pastors and church staff members and a few lay persons.
The survey generally confirmed our hypotheses. When we asked, “Have you in your professional life experienced a traumatic event that was extremely difficult for you to accept?” 60 percent said yes.
When we asked, “Did you feel betrayed by persons you thought you could trust?” 85 percent of those who had experienced such trauma said yes.
Also corroborating our early observations was the response to the question, “When you first came into the situation, did you anticipate anything like this could happen?” A full 80 percent said no. Further comments in the questionnaires indicated that most were caught by surprise and wished they could have been more aware of how often this sort of thing can happen. Again and again in the surveys, respondents said that it’s vital for people to be aware of the kind of rejection and pain they might experience.
A great variety of traumas was described, and we believe it would be helpful to set out a number of these as little vignettes for our instruction. Perhaps in the past we have been loathe to “air our dirty linen,” or talk about unpleasant things on the rationale that it is unedifying. However, it’s rather remarkable how brutally realistic Scripture itself is about the failings and the trials men and women have to go through, and the way God works in the midst of them.
It is true that nothing can fully prepare one for a specific trauma; however, knowing how normal it is and the way these respondents now view their experiences-and the spiritual resources available- could prove helpful. As one respondent said, when he finished seminary he had some pretty idealistic viewpoints. Suddenly he realized, “Hey, they’re firing real bullets out there!” Bullets that could shatter a person emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Here, then, is a cross-section of some of the descriptions we received:
¥ The associate pastor took advantage of discord over the building project-he tried to get me fired and take my position. A hundred members followed him off to a new work, rejecting me and the church. It was hard for me to believe a God-called man could split a church to further his own position. However, I realized he’d been a Christian only three years, and came out of rather shallow background.
To cope, I plunged part time into the secular field and was quite successful. This involvement helped me get my mind off the conflict. Deeper prayer life and Bible study provided growth, and I acknowledged my own failures; but I refused to accept responsibility for failures that weren’t mine!
¥ My wife was serving as minister of music; some choir members rebelled against her, and eventually half the choir went on strike. They stabbed her in the back, and I felt a lot of pain for my wife. I was crushed that Christians could be so antagonistic. The elders tried twice to sit down with the entire choir, but it didn’t help. In this town people don’t readily forgive or forget.
I’ve realized through this that Christians are first and always sinners. It’s not natural to act like a Christian-it takes discipline and Christ’s power. Under pressure, people “bail out.” I’ve learned the importance of a support group of other clergy, and of learning the hidden lines of power in a church.
¥ I was humiliated by board members; they called me all kinds of names including liar. Two of them brought false accusations against me before the executive committee of the national board. I was totally rejected; even the man over me who should have helped was inclined to believe the false accusers.
It was always my firm belief and practice to not strike back, and to show love to those who do not show love; but it was difficult to practice in this circumstance. Yet knowing I was being falsely accused greatly strengthened me spiritually and emotionally. I learned to forgive those who would never ask for forgiveness. I knew God would come through-and he did, beautifully. I now identify with our people when they are hurt, and it has left me much more tender toward the Lord and his people, even toward those who are against me.
We can expect to be humiliated, and it will most likely come from Christians; but we must never strike back-that’s God’s role.
¥ I was hired as assistant pastor for visitation shortly after graduating from Bible college. A month later, the church board informed me I would do all the janitorial work from then on, though previously they had admitted ministering and janitorial work did not mix, and that it would not be part of my job. They rejected my pastoral role. People wondered why I was around and asked what I did for a living. I was accused of not being spiritual enough. The situation devastated me emotionally. I am now in another denomination and my congregation respects me and is very supportive. I’ve learned to keep my eyes on Jesus, not circumstances. It’s easy to be like Peter, taking your eyes off the Savior and starting to sink in the water.
¥ A woman church member became very attached to me. It started out with my attempting to help her, but I soon realized from God’s Word that what was happening was not right. I asked God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of others involved. Since she was not willing to let it die, I left that congregation.
I’ve been assured of God’s power and forgiveness, but I’ve also learned to watch out for the male ego in relationships with people.
¥ Our senior pastor had previously told me I was doing a good job; but last month he said he was totally dissatisfied with my work, and that if things did not improve, I should consider ending my work with young people. He spouted off before knowing the facts, misinterpreted things, and put expectations on me that are completely unrealistic. I now labor in fear.
How am I handling it? Although I’m still hurt, I’m trying to be objective in reviewing all the facts. I realize I must take the initiative in communicating with my pastor. I’m trying to see his perspective and his problems. I’ve examined the genuineness of my call to ministry, and I am relying on God’s desire to help in tough times as the only way to remain sane and handle the problem.
¥ The administrator of my Christian school had many weaknesses; but when he changed a student’s grade without telling me, because of pressure from the parent, I was shocked at his dishonesty. How could a Christian leader override the fact of poor tests and undone assignments? He had hoped no one would find out, but he sacrificed principle and integrity to be a “peacemaker.” Spiritually, I was stunned by fellow teachers’ lack of concern; they were too comfortable to rock the boat.
I left the school to go on for my master’s. The move away was very helpful, and I’m now more realistic about leaders’ frailties.
¥ My wife has had three serious nervous breakdowns. Her condition most of the time has been on the brink of another breakdown. This seemed an “end-of-the-road” for our ministry.
Actually, though it has drastically altered our ministry, it has not stifled it. Rather than feel rejected, both my wife and I praise the Lord that our home staff has been extremely understanding and involved with us in our problem. We wonder where we’d be today if it weren’t for their love and help.
We never felt betrayed, but we wondered why the enemy had been allowed this much ground in our lives. I wondered where I’d failed as a husband, and what was wrong with our relationship as husband and wife that failed to prevent or overcome this. We have learned some lessons and received many tokens of the Lord’s love and encouragement, although these are still open questions he continues to shed light on. Several promises have kept our heads above water in the darkest hours and days of the trial: II Chronicles 20, “The battle is not yours, but God’s. … ” Isaiah 42, “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee, and the rivers, they shall not overflow thee. … ” Philippians 4, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication let your requests be made known unto God, and the peace of God that passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. … ” James 5, “You have heard of the patience of Job and have seen the end of the Lord, that the Lord is full of compassion.”
We are also being helped by the services of a Christian psychiatrist who is showing us the basic issues with which we have to deal.
¥ Shortly after I arrived on staff of a large church,
the senior pastor went through an extreme psychophysical problem. He leaned on me to pick up the slack, leaving all administration in my care for several months. I became preacher and chairman of the board. He had always communicated that we were partners and close friends, and I was eager to help in every way. But when he was called to task, he turned on me, implying I hadn’t fulfilled my original job description. I felt betrayed and confused. My youthful idealism was shattered; I considered leaving the ministry, thinking I’d be better off serving as a committed layman.
Actually, I have benefited from this experience. It forced me to examine my motivation and call. Later, as a senior pastor with staff, I could relate to their needs through my own experience. Recently I reentered a staff as associate pastor in a church of two thousand. I believe my willingness to obey God in this indicates there are no permanent scars.
The elders suddenly relieved me of my responsibilities to direct the youth minister and elevated his position so he reported directly to them. I was never consulted ahead of time, nor criticized- they just thought this was their prerogative. It didn’t affect me spiritually, but it crushed me emotionally. I was ready to leave the church, but the Lord showed me that wasn’t his purpose. Instead of running away, we need to learn in these situations. I realized I needed to act, not react. God gives us the strength to take positive action.
¥ I was hired for a leadership position, but was never given the responsibility There was no communication; the secretary ran the parish. I was very distraught and ended up on heavy medication. Spiritual direction from a priest, and closeness and understanding of parishioners helped me, but what was needed to solve the problem was communication and openness in the working situation.
¥ Our synod had a split, and persons of my persuasion were rejected from holding offices of importance in the church at large. It was traumatic; nothing had prepared me for this. My congregation, though, has been a great help to me in this conflict.
¥ The senior pastor hired me, but shortly after he resigned, he divorced his wife, and later married a church member he had been involved with. I later learned he had planned to do this for years, and had lied to me when he said he had no intention of leaving. I was left holding the bag. Church membership declined, and I became paranoid over the criticism about it. I wanted to leave so much and take my family out of the mess! Eventually I opened up to two other pastors in somewhat similar positions, and we prayed together for wisdom. I told God I would stay, but then he opened up another church.
¥ I’m minister of education, but our Sunday school superintendent doesn’t see the need for one at our church. She fights me over any proposal I make. Usually she refuses to speak to me or my wife and talks behind my back, although recently she has confronted me. She saw me as trying to usurp her authority; she criticized me for disorganization-but partly that was due to my commitment to spend a reasonable amount of time with my family.
All this resulted in frequent thoughts of quitting. I felt angry and bitter, and it worked to destroy my faith. I often couldn’t reach out to others because of the insecurity of my own position.
Frankly, although I’m seven years into my ministry career, I received no training in working with lay leaders until this last summer. I took a graduate course, “Enabling Lay Leaders,” which was extremely helpful. I came back with renewed energy and vision. I’m attempting to correct flaws in my own ministry efforts, and discuss all my suggestions in private with the superintendent before throwing them out for general discussion at board meetings.
¥ As an intern I shared my very frank feelings about the church-and was promptly terminated. I was never allowed to explain or apologize. Perhaps it was unwise to share such personal, negative feelings with the whole group, but I was unprepared for their rejection. I felt totally alone and almost gave up going into ministry.
The experience was painful, but in the long run, beneficial. I learned about building trust before voicing criticism. I must earn the right to criticize by my dedication to others’ best spiritual interests. Also, God allows the faults of others to show us our own faults. The pain I felt at being rejected by them mirrored the pain they must have felt at my criticisms.
In a context of love and trust, I can now open myself to my congregation.
¥ Two families, in whose lives I had invested a great deal of myself, left the church because it was not “spiritual enough.” They then tried to woo others of the church family away with them.
Much of the resultant criticism was leveled at me because I have been close to these people. Nothing had prepared me for the personal hurt I experienced.
¥ I was associate pastor. Every week the pastor would call me into his office and commence to chew me out for one to three hours, accusing me of everything in the book. He created a living hell for me. I felt personally rejected, even though I knew it was
not really me. This man had severe emotional and moral problems and he vented them on me.
I had learned a great deal from my father, who is slow to anger and speaks little. This strength and stability from my family background helped a great deal, but I had trusted my pastor, and his betrayal hurt me. I have become more introverted and do not trust people as readily now and will not open myself up.
However, what this did to me spiritually was tremendous. I began to search for more truth, and found strength through a personal God It has helped me form my convictions and stick with them.
¥ I’m a lay pastor and was hired as assistant to the senior pastor. He resigned and then I became interim pastor. I was asked by our board to candidate for the position of senior pastor, and I accepted their invitation. I placed my trust in our pastoral relations committee and board of stewards in their unanimous call for me to candidate.
However, when several individuals mounted a phone campaign aimed against me, the board did not continue their support. The ultimate trauma occurred when a member of the board who had voted to invite my candidacy reversed her opinion and told me she was going to vote no.
The rejection was based on my lack of formal training, but it was the gossiping that contributed to the feeling of betrayal. The “silent majority” stood by while the vocal minority gathered power. I withdrew my candidacy!
I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about Galatians 6:4, “But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.”
The above vignettes are only a small portion of the stacks of responses we received. One can read quickly through them, but each represents months, perhaps years of pain: laymen experiencing abrupt job terminations; pastors hearing of secret meetings designed to oust them; hardening of positions in power struggles.
What helpful observations can be drawn from all this?
First, the enormous variety indicates there’s no way to fully anticipate such events. As mentioned before, a full 80 percent did not think when entering the situation that “anything like this could happen.” One gets the impression from reading all the responses that when something like this hits, people react the way they do to news of a child killed in an accident: “Incredible. Tragic. Intolerable.” The gut reactions are quite natural in both types of events. No matter how much you try to prepare for death, when it hits, you experience grief. Likewise, you still experience deep pain from betrayal or rejection. However, knowing it could happen, even in the most secure of situations, can put such an event into perspective. Expect it lo come from an unanticipated direction. Expect pain, but realize this is the common lot of all of us. Scripture instructs, “Man is born to sorrow, as surely as sparks fly upward.”
Second, in almost 40 percent of the cases reported, the traumatic event disrupted the direction of the respondent’s career. The wise person needs to realize this can happen in any situation, at any time, perchance for odd and even infuriating reasons. The person blocked from continuing ministry would do well to accept the change as from the hand of God. I’ve often been personally challenged by the response of St. Ignatius of Loyola, who was asked what he would do if his life’s work were moved against and dissolved by higher ecclesiastical authority. He replied, “I would pray for fifteen minutes, then I would not think of it again.” This can be possible only for the person who makes the life focus of his work the admonishment of Colossians 3:23, 24, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”
Third, when asked, “Do you feel ‘over it’ now, or does the pain still linger?” a full 76 percent said they were over it. Healing does take place, and people in ministry are generally a resilient lot. During the crisis, it may seem nothing will ever be the same again; all one can feel is pain. But down the road, seen from another perspective, it might be viewed as a staunch building block for maturity.
Fourth, it is troubling that of those who experienced such trauma, nearly 40 percent had more than one of these experiences, many three or more times. It is unwise to speculate too broadly on the factors causing this, but it surely would be good advice to anyone in this category-and there are many-to get objective outside counsel. A professional could in some cases pinpoint characteristics that spark these fires. For instance, in our interview with Dr. Louis McBurney (Spring 1980) he told of a pastor who subconsciously believed he had to fail, and so consistently, after “succeeding” beautifully in each new pastorate, he would alienate the board chairman and be discharged. He did this completely oblivious to his own pattern.
This is not to say, of course, that anyone who experiences several traumatic events in his or her ministry is consciously or subconsciously causing them. Such events can be like lightning strikes, hitting in an odd and disparate pattern.
Fifth, one gets the distinct feeling in reading through the data that there’s much foolish misunderstanding. Many of the respondents with hindsight point this out-that all of us in our work and in our families should do everything possible immediately to clear up misunderstandings. We need to listen. What’s really bothering the other person? What’s behind the hostility? It may not be the issue at hand at all.
For instance, many of the young ministers in the survey had “bought into” the current emphasis on putting high priority on the family. But in numerous cases, this created conflicts with older persons who felt they weren’t carrying the load. Superficial understanding of each other’s priorities generated personal tragedies.
I’m reminded of James Michener’s Hawaii. In it he takes about 150 pages to describe a native Hawaiian; then roughly equal space to chronicle the American who will confront him. Radically different cultures and value systems clash. If these two men are to avoid tragic consequences (which, it turns out, they cannot), they would each have to listen at great length to each other and come to understand their unique perspectives.
Ezra Earl Jones said in our first forum (Winter 1980) that what the church desperately needs is people who will listen-really listen, and try to understand what other people mean, even when they say things that sound cruel or belittling. Sometimes they, too, are crying out inarticulately. Understanding that, and introducing prayer, clear thinking, and loving confrontation could in some situations produce healing.
Sixth, a great deal of damage comes from simple thoughtlessness. In the church where the son watched his father pilloried before the congregation, hundreds of people probably never gave it a thought, so caught up were they with the drama at hand. How constantly sensitive the church must be to missiles shot in one direction that ricochet and pierce unintended targets in another. Words can also be like MIRV missiles-the statement contains several more meanings than the speaker intended, and at least one of them might very well explode.
Many of the respondents who had gone through a crisis pointed out one factor again and again: Internal and spiritual resources are necessities in order to cope with such events, and it is often out of these events that tempered saints are formed.
Perhaps because of the strong emphasis on this from the survey response, it would be instructive for us to look thoughtfully at these four observations from Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest) on topics from the survey.
Betrayal: “. . . if we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it, we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. … Our Lord is so severe regarding every human relationship because he knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to himself will end in disaster.
Our Lord trusted no man, yet he was never suspicious, never bitter.”
Disputes: “We have seen what . . . God wants us to be, but are we willing to have the vision ‘batter’d to shape and use’ by God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through commonplace people.”
Adversaries: “To see that my adversary gives me my rights is natural; but . . . from our Lord’s standpoint it does not matter if I am defrauded or not; what does matter is that I do not defraud. Am I insisting on my rights, or am I paying what I owe from Jesus Christ’s standpoint?”
Pain: “Why shouldn’t we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with his Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God’s purpose and die away of self-pity. … If through a broken heart God can bring his purposes to pass in the world, then thank him for breaking your heart.”
Of course, most of us have taught concepts similar to these for years ourselves. But the reason for this article is to refresh our understanding that all we’ve said about going through deep waters might come back to us in unexpected ways. We may reject such events as thoroughly improper for God to allow to happen to us: Christians aren’t to act like that, and betrayal by a close brother or sister in Christ is intolerable. Yet it fits into the same category as all the other outrageous results of the Fall- from children starving to the crash of an airliner.
As we find ourselves in these situations, we need all the psychological and professional insights possible. But the bottom line is what God is doing in us in the midst of our suffering. For all of us will suffer. We often gloss over the painful realities of life, but Scripture never does. It’s worth repeating Job 5:7 which says, “Man is born to sorrow, as surely as sparks fly upward.” In other words, sorrow is inevitable; how will we respond in our own unique troubles? Scripture is full of responses. For instance, “See to it . . . that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).
Joseph’s response to troubles is a marvelous model. Talk about betrayal! Can we really put ourselves in his place-sold into slavery by his own brothers? We know the end of the story, but his dreams must have seemed pretty distant as a slave, especially when betrayed a second time and thrown into prison. Somehow, through the most harrowing experiences-and from what he could see, very bleak future-he maintained a remarkable faith, maturity, and patience; so much so, he could say to his brothers, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”
That is the freeing attitude possible only through the Spirit. We don’t, of course, masochistically embrace suffering or meekly allow church splits and rancorous behavior to go unchallenged. We’re to be wise peacemakers, clear-headed builders, warmhearted confronters-but above all, patient disciples who understand the implications of the Fall and the God who works in us.
Copyright © 1981 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
