Debbie was a young woman in our congregation who had the knack of touching lives. One day she shared with me something which was troubling her in the life of a mutual friend, a fellow believer in our church.
Reviewing biblical principles together, we agreed certain logical steps of confrontation should be followed. Debbie hesitated, then said reluctantly, “I know biblically that’s right, but it seems so hard.”
Debbie’s orthodoxy is sound and so is her heart, but her response to church discipline is typical of many in the church.
The exercise of discipline in the body of Christ is too often unpracticed. More often than not the exceptions are legalistic groups where discipline is applied rigidly to codes of dress and other externals. These surface problems are not of great or lasting concern.
But, what should the church do with a person indulging in delinquent behavior? Or when we are faced with violations of honesty, morality, or integrity-issues to which the Bible clearly speaks? What about the person who is showing an unusual amount of interest in someone other than a spouse? Or one whose business ethics are frequently questioned? Or the person who is flirtatious? Or one who stretches the truth? Or the young couple who seem to have no control over their child or their finances? How do we help these people?
Rather than caring enough to confront, we tend to allow much error to go on and on. Only if a scandal breaks out or pressure breaks up a marriage do we begin to express concern. Usually, this is too late.
God calls us to a better way. I was convicted to do some hard thinking about discipline when a parishioner asked me about my views on the subject. My response to him was immediate: “I don’t think we deal with 50 percent of the discipline cases we should deal with in this church.”
“But that’s 50 percent more than what anybody else we know is doing,” he replied.
Although this answer was probably an overstatement, it was an indicator of a severe deficiency.
These, then, are the principles I share with fellow Christian workers when we discuss discipline. My convictions on the subject and the sharing of experiences from my pastorate are not meant to imply any expertise. Rather, as a pilgrim and a learner who deeply cares for the church, I am calling us to loving action.
Why Discipline?
Paul told the Galatians that if a person is caught in any trespass or sin, those who are spiritual ought to restore him (6:1). Discipline in the church is always to be redemptive in nature. Its aim is not to show that we are right and others are wrong. A child is corrected to save him from delinquency and to help him grow into maturity. The Galatians text sees the person caught in sin as the victim of a trap of the evil one. The call for the church is to “rescue the perishing.”
Take, for example, the case Debbie came to discuss with me. Her friends had a teen-age daughter, Ann, who worked in a store after school. Several times she had to work into the evening and was brought home by the store’s owner, who was also in our fellowship. An open note sent to Ann by this man thanked her for listening to his long tales of mistreatment as a child and lack of appreciation as an adult. He emphasized the significance of Ann’s sympathetic ear, since no one else, even his wife, seemed to understand. Ann’s alarmed parents shared this with Debbie, who brought it to me.
It worked out naturally for me to have a visit with the parents. The father told me his first reaction was “to paste the guy good!”-not an abnormal response for a protective father, but hardly a redemptive act.
Since Ann’s parents were acquainted with the store owner and were mature Christians, we decided they should confront him directly. After the father’s initial reaction, I felt he took a balanced view of the situation and realized his action was to be redemptive rather than vindictive. We agreed the store owner was probably caught in some kind of an emotional trap, or at least did not have things in perspective. Such an encounter might well keep him from going off the deep end.
Neglecting a confrontation, on the other hand, might contribute to our brother’s downfall and even indirectly cause serious injury to another less fortunate “Ann” in his future.
The Web of Relationships
The church is a family; we are brothers and sisters. We cannot choose our siblings, for it is the Spirit’s work to bring them to new birth and to place them in the family. When we are family, we belong to one another.
A family implies responsibility and accountability. I do things for my two earthly brothers sometimes only because they are my brothers. And at times I take risks with them for the same reason.
As a church family we are equally responsible and accountable to one another. Effective discipline takes place in the context of these relationships. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6).
Several years ago our church was involved in a building program, never an easy time in the life of a local congregation. One day the moderator of our board requested that the two of us go to lunch, and that I stop by this office before we ate. Richard, a capable executive and good friend, came right to the point: “I know you have a mind for details, Don, and this building program is not the easiest thing we have ever done. But you’re driving our building chairman up the wall with your ceaseless probing of every detail.”
That hurt. I thought the questions I had asked were necessary. I’d seen some mistakes, and thought I’d caught them just in time to prevent serious building errors. Richard kept boring in. “Don, you have to back off and give this man room.” He was right, of course.
As I left Richard that day, I felt much chastised. But I also felt something else. Richard had taken a great risk in confronting me, and therefore I knew he cared about me very deeply. I was feeling that love. The close friendship between Richard and me gave him credibility when he approached me honestly about a delicate matter.
Are our churches healthy enough to deal with discipline? Or are we like the father who sees his primary responsibility as a provider of food, shelter, and clothing, rather than as someone the rest of the family can relate to?
If a parent or sibling in the family communicates with another family member only to correct, that guarantees little positive response. The church elder as well, when seen only from a distance serving communion or interviewing for membership, has built little basis for reproof when it is needed. If he never visits or invites others into his home, he will not be heard as clearly as the elder who has become a true brother.
Disciplers of men are tuned into the web of relationships in their fellowship. A weakening of this web produces a distress signal in the caring church and initiates action. If we reach out early, our later efforts in times of serious trouble will be more meaningful. If, however, we allow someone to grow distant from our fellowship without trying to find out why, there is little basis for later confrontation or healing.
Biblical Guidelines
“When all else fails, read the directions,” we often say. The words of Jesus (Matthew 18:15-17) give us clear directions on the procedure of church discipline. Too often, leadership within the local body, charged with the responsibility of discipline in the church, either is unfamiliar with these instructions, or treats them as irrelevant.
“If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private.
This calls for an open fellowship where people can honestly talk to one another about differences, shortcomings, sins. When I sense there is sin, it is a loving act for me to take action. Every marriage counselor knows that where wrongs have taken place in a relationship and no communication follows, that marriage is on the road to failure.
But the reproval should be private. The person who feels offended may have misunderstood. This is the time to gather information and to learn. It is not the time to gossip, an act which brings injury to the church family. In a healthy church, this first step of private reproval will be common practice.
John’s attitude toward Roger has been affected by his irritation over Roger’s habitual absences from board meetings, as well as a seeming laxness in corporate prayer ministries. It’s time for John to take the matter to the Father in prayer; then, if a valid concern persists (not borne solely out of his personal irritation), to gently face Roger. He might learn that Roger’s time and energy have been drained by family or business pressures. The confrontation will enhance John’s understanding of Roger; it also should enlarge Roger’s sense of accountability and bring into focus the need to balance his priorities. If both men’s attitudes are correct, brotherhood will thrive.
When we are approached by a fellow member of the body of Christ about any matter,the Matthew passage says we have the responsibility to listen: “If he listens, you have won your brother.”
When I’m confronted, my first tendency is to inwardly say, “Here we go again!” This is quickly followed by a raising of my defense mechanisms. I immediately want to justify my actions. Learning to listen stretches us. One of the things that has helped me is disciplining myself to listen so carefully that I can summarize to the person what he has said. I ask him to correct my summary so he knows I have really listened.
By this process I have learned a great deal. My attempts to listen to reproof have been good for my character, an aid in my development, and a bridge-builder in our church’s web of relationships.
Just recently, in a staff gathering where I was feeling very pressed and harried, a matter arose which irritated me. Wishing to dispose of it in a hurry, I responded quickly and firmly.
Later, a fellow staff member came to me and said, “Don, I’m not sure you understood just how you handled that.” He then role-played my actions. I immediately could see my over-reaction. This reproof brought direction to me, strengthened the relationship with the staff member who cared enough to confront, and allowed me to mend the fence with the person I have offended.
“If he does not listen to you, take one or more witnesses.”
If the first step does not bring the needed response in private, it is time to move into a group process where three or four people are involved.
The new people are not there to substantiate our prejudices, but to bring new objectivity as God gives them spiritual insights. Again, the emphasis is on listening. God wants us to take great effort to understand what is being communicated. The risk is greater now, and it always must be remembered that the motivation is redemption. Although moving into the group process is scary, it does improve the attention level.
The winning of a brother is not apt to be a simple one-time contact; it will most likely be a series of contacts. Restoration takes nurturing.
Some years ago, a close friend and recognized leader in our church became involved in a relationship that seemed unhealthy. Mary was an empathetic person whose official church responsibility brought her into frequent contact with Tom. It appeared Tom and Mary were seeing each other outside their official responsibilities.
When I approached Mary, she admitted it, defending the friendship as a needed ministry to Tom, who was then experiencing some physical and emotional testings.
When the first confrontation brought no changes, I went again. Mary kindly informed me that I misjudged the situation. She would be cautious, but I should not be concerned. I felt she was not listening. At this point, I found it necessary to involve some other church leaders. This time, both Mary and Tom listened and help was brought to their families.
Martin, an older brother with extraordinary biblical insight, frequently lapsed into behavior which I considered less mature than his knowledge. My attempts to help him through some family problems always resulted in his placing blame on his wife. Ultimately, the marriage failed, and Martin decided that a significant amount of the responsibility for that failure rested on me.
His private confrontations with me did not satisfy him, and he called several elders to meet with us. This time, I was the recipient of a visit from an offended brother. These group meetings gave me a new insight on listening, as both of us received corrective instruction.
“And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. “
Now, we must remember that in Jesus’ time, there was not a structured local church. The organism did not yet have the form it would take in the book of Acts and the Epistles. This aids us in understanding the importance of the principle of communicating a situation requiring discipline to the larger body.
I am not certain that there is one way to “tell it to the church.” Scripture seems ambiguous about this part of the procedure; when this happens, I am convinced we are allowed cultural flexibility in carrying out principles.
Thus, in our church, we use our full elder board. Two or three cases reach this level each year. When our elders deal with discipline cases, we report it in our bulletin along with other agenda items. Names are used only in the extreme cases of excommunication.
Several years ago our church was hit with an epidemic of divorces. Several were among leaders or other prominent families. All of us were concerned, and some of our older members were upset at “what our church was coming to.” After consultation, several elders and I agreed it was important that a statement be made to the church regarding our position toward the discipline process.
Near the close of a Sunday morning service, I asked the people to prayerfully listen to a statement of concern. I placed the statement in the context of the trouble that marriage and the family unit were experiencing in today’s society. I informed them regretfully of what we all already knew: that our church was not untouched by these tragedies, and that some of our families were in crucial struggles at that very moment.
I told the people that our elders were concerned and were working with two hands extended: one of mercy and grace toward healing, and the other of the unchanging standard of God’s Word, which stood for the sanctity and permanency of the home. I reminded them that we believed the marriage vows were for life.
I then called the church to love these people, to pray for them, and to abstain from judgment; and to pray for the elders who were making difficult decisions as God’s leaders in our local body. I committed us as a church to more effectively teach scriptural admonitions for husbands and wives.
The statement met with a favorable response, gave direction to the church, and instilled further confidence in the people toward their church leadership.
“If he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.”
An outcast. This means that you treat the person as a nonbeliever, because he is not walking as a believer. It means to keep loving him as Jesus loved the publicans and sinners. It means to reach out to him in witness, but not to relate to him as a member of the body of Christ. Like all evangelistic outreach, the goal is to bring a soul to Christ and back into the functioning body.
In twenty-five years as a pastor, I have participated in the step of excommunication only three times. This is an extremely heavy responsibility. But Jesus says in this passage, “Where two or three have gathered together in my name, there I am in their midst,” and this action which the church must take-loving discipline-is agreed upon in heaven (Matthew 18:18-19).
Some years ago Dick and his wife started attending our church about the time we were developing a newly-married couples group. Dick, a student at a nearby Christian college, announced to the church that God had called him to preach the gospel. People admired his dedication. His sincerity seemed evident to many by his frequent testimonies. Some folks concluded that this exceptionally spiritual young man should be groomed for leadership within the young marrieds’ group.
Fortunately, Dick never rose to leadership, for God provided sufficient checks in the hearts of more mature people not to immediately place this young man in a leadership position.
Shortly, a relationship developed between Dick and his wife and another young couple, and they began to spend time together Their lessening involvement in our fellowship should have been a warning to us. After not too many months, Dick announced that he was divorcing his wife to marry the woman from the other couple.
One of our pastors continued to reach out to Dick, but wasn’t heard. Finally, several brothers went to confront Dick. He refused to listen to these men as well, stating flatly, “God told me my first wife would never be compatible in the ministry, and that I needed this kind of wife. God told me to do this.”
The matter was now brought to the entire board of elders who, having taken the prior steps, prayerfully decided to remove Dick from fellowship, and communicate this to the whole church by way of a bulletin announcement.
A letter was written to Dick expressing our concern, our understanding of what he had done (based on our understanding of Scripture), our love, and the responsibility we accepted in the necessary action of dismissing him from our fellowship.
Within a few months, Dick, now remarried, moved to a distant state where he thought he could start a church in a small community. We felt it our obligation to write the ministers of that community about the action we had taken. This was done in hope of restoring Dick to fellowship.
There were young couples in our church at this time who were watching to see what the church would do about Dick. They were not “out to get” him. Their question was: “Does the church really believe what it says about the permanency of the home, about purity, about the sanctity of marriage; or are these just things you say from the pulpit?” The courage to act was well received, and their confidence in the church was strengthened.
Five years later, Dick visited Salem, and he left word that he now felt our church had done the right thing. He had finally recognized his error.
Some time ago, I dealt with a man in our church who had deep guilt problems, which dated back to childhood when a Sunday school teacher had involved him in a homosexual relationship. His boyhood church was not far away; I knew its history and lack of vitality. This unresolved problem, which the church had been too timid to face, had hurt the life of many members, and had dried up the church.
On more than one occasion, lately, we’ve been called on to face the homosexual issue. It’s not surprising that some of the people ensnared in this trap desire to be under the umbrella of the church, accepted and recognized in their sin.
Such was the case of Geoffrey. His wife and family continued to attend our fellowship while his participation lessened. Seeking dissolution of the marriage, Geoffrey confessed he was a practicing homosexual with someone in a nearby town.
The church gave the wife loving support. An elder and a friend of Geoffrey’s made special trips to extend compassionate warning to him. Refusing the counsel of these and other brothers, Geoffrey persisted in his new lifestyle. When there was no softening on his part, and no repentance of his spirit, we inevitably had to take the painful action of dismissing him from fellowship, with the hope of restoration.
The New Testament makes it clear that the exercise of church discipline is for those “who are spiritual” (Galatians 6:1), and that discipline is to be carried out in a spirit of “meekness,” realizing our own vulnerability. Every incident of serious discipline is an awesome reminder to me of my own weakness.
I want to treat men and women the way I’d want to be treated when needing reproof: I would desire the absence of harshness or condemnation, and a preeminence of the very spirit of Christ, who, as our living high priest, would put his arm around us saying, “I know, I understand, I once also lived as a man.”
Where this is true, there will always be the extending of forgiveness up to “seventy times seven,” and the very character of Jesus Christ will be the marks of his body, the church.
Debbie is right. Church discipline is hard. It requires courage-a tough kind of love. It is biblical; it is right. Do we believe this truth enough to act?
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