One wag, an Episcopalian, observed that on the question of authority, Roman Catholics point to the Pope, Protestants to the Bible, and Episcopalians to the previous rector. When it comes to people’s expectations of the pastor’s job description, lifestyle, and even personality, every congregation is shaped by the previous pastor, plus TV evangelists, memories of childhood ministers, radio preachers, and . . .
What elements make up the pastoral image? Which expectations do you live up to? Which must you live down?
To discuss these questions, LEADERSHIP editors Marshall Shelley and Terry Muck went to Milwaukee to meet with three pastoral couples:
-Stuart and Jill Briscoe, who serve Elmbrook Church in suburban Waukesha.
-Michael and Bonnie Halcomb, who minister at Mayflower Congregational Church of Milwaukee.
-William and Paula Otto, who serve Beautiful Savior Lutheran Church in north suburban Mequon.
Leadership: How much should you live up to the congregation’s image of “the pastor,” and how much do you have to be yourself no matter what?
Stuart Briscoe: It is utterly impossible to meet the diverse expectations within a congregation. Rarely will they all be communicated to you, and even if they are, what two people expect may be mutually exclusive.
But you can’t just dismiss these expectations as unrealistic. If you do, you find yourself in an adversarial role. You develop an arrogant, independent spirit; you lose your credibility and ability to lead.
It’s a fine line and requires open communication about what may be impossible demands.
Bill Otto: This is a complex problem, but it gets to the essence of what ministry is. Often the image is based on a distortion. For instance, Scripture speaks of all church members as ministers, but many people consider the pastor the only minister in the congregation. This leads to double standards that damage and confuse our relationships in the church. I resist these unscriptural, unfair expectations.
Jill Briscoe: When we first candidated, I passed out cards and asked people to write what they expected of me. The answers were so diverse. Our church is nondenominational, so each person has a different image of pastor and wife from previous experience. And those from Catholic backgrounds, of course, have no pastor’s wife model at all.
I thought if I tried to please the Lord I’d please the church. But it doesn’t always work that way.
Mike Halcomb: I find very few individuals with unrealistic expectations of the pastor-it’s the composite image that gets to you. And rarely does anyone outside the pastoral family see the composite.
Expectations, however, are part of any relationship. My three sons have expectations of how we spend money, how we behave, where we take vacations. All these have to be sorted, negotiated, and discussed. And that’s the way it is in the church family, too.
Maybe an expectation doesn’t need to be rejected as much as redefined or redirected. When my sons come with an expectation, maybe their mother can help them better than I; maybe they can help themselves with a bit of know-how. Ministry involves creative redefining and redirecting of expectations.
Bonnie Halcomb: When we candidated at Mayflower, we were available to meet with everybody in the church in small groups. It’s a tremendous emotional strain, but it’s helpful because everyone finds out who you are. Like courtship, though, you don’t really find out until after you’re married. But at least this is a good start.
Second, you also need some kind of pastoral-relations committee for feedback. You discover expectations you weren’t aware of, and this group can help you sort them out.
Leadership: Give some examples of how you’ve accommodated some expectations and stood fast against others.
Bonnie Halcomb: Occasionally people make requests of me-public speaking, for instance-and I’ll think, There’s no way! That just isn’t me. And yet I pray about it, decide to give it a try, and I’ve discovered that not through my strength but the Lord’s I was able to. It was a growing experience (and gave me even more appreciation for my husband).
Sometimes expectations push us, making us grow in ways we wouldn’t otherwise. You can’t just automatically say no. Maybe God is opening a door.
Paula Otto: One of the first people to meet me at Mequon was an elderly lady who pointedly said, “We don’t like our pastor’s wife to work.” I was teaching school in a nearby community at the time and planned to continue.
My mother happened to be with me, and she said just as pointedly, “Well, you have to realize the church call wasn’t to Paula but to her husband. So I suppose Paula doesn’t have to answer to you.”
Bill Otto: That’s when I packed my bags. (Laughter)
Paula Otto: Oddly enough, the lady accepted it, perhaps because it came from someone her own age.
Stuart Briscoe: Often people expect pastors to feed sheep the same way you feed lambs, and that’s the worst thing you can do. Grown sheep need to be shown the pasture for themselves.
My very first function at Elmbrook was a Wednesday night service. Afterward a lady asked what the Bible said about such-and-such.
“I haven’t the remotest idea,” I said. A look of horror came over her. I obviously wasn’t the answer man she expected.
“Will you find out for me?”
“No,” I said. Her horror turned to anger.
“Why not?”
I explained she was capable of finding out for herself. If I looked it up, it would take my time and she would probably forget my answer. If she looked it up, it would save my time, she would remember it better, and she could come and teach me.
“But,” I asked, “do you know how to look these things up?” She didn’t, so we immediately sat down with a Bible and a concordance, and I showed her how to dig it out for herself. She didn’t get what she expected, and yet in another way she did.
The next Wednesday she came up and said, “An interesting thing happened this week: a friend called and asked if I knew what the Bible said about such-and-such, and I said, ‘I haven’t the remotest idea. (Laughter) But if you like, come over and I’ll show you how to find out.’ “
Mike Halcomb: Another common expectation is in the area of administration. Whenever the pastor is in the building, he’s fair game for anyone who wants to schedule a meeting. Personally, I’ve tried to let people know the pastor’s study is just that-a study, not an office. Of course, at times you’ve got to put your own agenda aside and take care of the immediate situation.
Leadership: What principles help you decide when to bend and when to stand fast?
Mike Halcomb: Many expectations can be redefined or redirected so your time can be used in pastoral ministry rather than administration. If you rudely reject them, you’re asking for conflict.
We tell our missionaries to be sensitive to the values and past practices of the culture they’re entering. The same is true of pastors.
Bonnie Halcomb: Some expectations are based purely on human custom. If they make me uncomfortable and are not supported in Scripture, then I’m going to resist them.
Mike Halcomb: A large part of preventing problems over expectations comes in talking about where the church is going. If we can agree on what our mission is and how we’re going to get there, many of the extraneous expectations fall away.
Leadership: Let’s look at some specific elements of the pastoral image. Clothes, for instance. How do clothes affect the way people perceive you? Does “Dress for Success” make for effective ministry?
Stuart Briscoe: I’ve gotten hit by both sides. In the early years in our church, we were invaded by the counterculture-young people in T-shirts and jeans. After attending our church for twelve months, one person told me, “I’m just now beginning to listen to you because when I first came here and saw the suit you were wearing and the money it must have cost, that was a barrier between me and the Christ you were preaching.”
About the same time, a businessman took me aside and suggested I dressed far too casually. “It looks like the church isn’t paying you enough to dress properly,” he said.
I told him I purposely dressed down.
Actually, I’m not interested in clothes, so my problem is being sensitive to those with higher expectations. I never wear a jacket or tie on Sunday evenings. I recently bought my annual suit-for $150, and that’s the most I’ve ever spent.
Jill Briscoe: I suspect most congregations are more picky about the way the pastor’s wife dresses than the way the pastor does.
Paula Otto: I agree. I didn’t realize how closely my dress was being watched until one lady told me the Sunday after Christmas, “We can hardly wait till this Sunday each year because we always like to see what your husband gives you for Christmas.” They’d learned Bill enjoys giving clothes.
But personally, (and maybe this is a woman speaking) I find if I dress well, I feel more confident about myself.
Bonnie Halcomb: It’s important that we dress appropriately to the occasion. For informal functions in our church, it’s OK to wear a slacks suit. I have never felt I had to wear a dress to a softball game. People want you to be a normal person, not an oddity.
Bill Otto: I think the principle we’re talking about is that whatever we’re wearing shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves. That detracts from our ministry.
So I’m not going to a pool party in a three-piece suit.
Leadership: We’ve talked with at least one pastor who always wears a shirt and tie-even when he mows the lawn. He feels strongly that he needs to restore some professional dignity to his profession.
Bonnie Halcomb: In our community, shortly after we moved in, I was having coffee with a neighbor who said, “We’re so happy to see your husband out in his blue jeans playing baseball with his kids.” They were impressed that a pastor was a normal person, husband, and father.
Mike Halcomb: Our society is more forgiving now than it was years ago about clothing. But I’m still sensitive, especially when someone takes me to meet business associates or to a community group. Initial impressions are important. I don’t want my dress to detract from what I’m trying to do.
But I hope we’ve gotten past the point where smoking a pipe makes you a theologian, growing a beard makes you a counselor, or wearing pinstripes makes you authoritative. Dress is a concern but not a very substantive one.
Jill Briscoe: I take a lot more care about how I look when I’m with “outsiders” than when I’m with church people. The non-Christian world focuses on outward appearances; that’s what’s important to them. They’ll judge you and your Christianity, and if you never get a chance to speak, the way you look and the way you behave speaks for you.
Leadership: Are you saying you bend more to meet non-Christians’ expectations than church members’ expectations?
Jill Briscoe: It’s not a matter of bending. It’s a matter of asking how would God have me dress and behave in this particular situation. What will honor him and show the world that Christians are normal people, not extreme people, and that they can look neat and tidy?
Bonnie Halcomb: After the first few Sundays, our credibility among church people is based on deeper things. If you wear something they don’t like, they’ll forgive you if they like what’s inside you. But non-Christians may not have that chance to find out what you’re like inside, so that’s why we have to be careful about the outward appearance.
Leadership: How should a pastor’s office look? Lots of books? Diplomas on the wall? What messages do you want to convey to visitors who stop by?
Stuart Briscoe: My office at the church has a desk, a round table with four chairs around it, no bookshelves, no diplomas, but lots of greenery (until it inevitably dies). All over the walls I have pictures, carvings, and fabrics I’ve collected while traveling. I want to convey that my church office is a functional place, a comfortable place where you can find all sorts of interesting things, which helps conversation begin.
My study at home has my books because I need them there.
Bill Otto: I want my church office to be a place where people feel welcome to sit down and counsel with me, but I have a lot of books there. I want them to understand part of my role is as a teacher, one who studies and learns. I also try to have at least one funny poster up on the wall. The current one is “How to put a committee together” and shows four silly-looking birds on telephone lines, each pointing a different direction and looking bored.
My only regret is that the church office often becomes a dumping ground for supplies for every committee and board, and there’s always stuff in the corner.
Mike Halcomb: It’s not as important how a study looks as how it feels. Many of the things Stuart and Bill mention give people a sense of interest, acceptability, comfort, and warmth.
I find people are usually interested in the books on the shelves, and I purposely try to keep two or three interesting titles on my desk. Hopefully I’m in the midst of reading them, and that stimulates conversation and encourages them to read.
Bonnie Halcomb: One thing I like about Mike’s study is that you don’t have to go through the secretary’s office to get there-there are two separate doors. To me, that’s nice.
Stuart Briscoe: We have a multiple staff, and it’s interesting to me to see the different atmosphere in each pastor’s study. Some play classical music. Others are strictly functional. Others are crammed with books two deep on the shelves. Something of each one’s ministry and personality comes through in the way the office looks.
Leadership: What about your home? How does the house you live in-its size, location, and quality-affect your ministry?
Mike Halcomb: I was criticized for announcing a service of house blessing soon after we bought our home. It was with Bonnie’s consent, but some women in the church thought I’d done it behind her back because we had the service before we’d cleaned thoroughly, and the house needed some fixing up. But we wanted to communicate something. First, our home is an extension of our ministry, a place of ministry. Second, if we wait until everything is in apple-pie order before inviting others over, we’d probably never practice hospitality.
We hoped it would model something many of us aspire to-perhaps giving people freedom to use their homes as places of ministry.
Jill Briscoe: We had a peculiar situation. When we came to Elmbrook, we moved from England with our clothes-two suitcases apiece-and nothing else. All the rest of our possessions had to be sold or given away. The church said it was cheaper to provide new furnishings than to move our old ones.
They were generous in providing a lovely parsonage, but as a woman, I felt it wasn’t really mine. They had shower after shower-towel shower, kitchen shower-and they meant well. But I missed our wedding presents and the other things we’d given up.
They took a personal interest in everything in our home. There were times when ladies opened our drawers to see if we were using the towels they’d given. Who could blame them? It was theirs, not ours.
Leadership: That’s a tension, isn’t it? You want your house to be an extension of your ministry, where people can feel at home, but you also want a haven where you can get away from the pressure.
Paula Otto: When we first came here, we lived in a parsonage connected to the church building-one door led to another. I would come out of the bedroom and meet someone wandering into our home. I felt very tense about our lack of privacy.
Leadership: All of you now live in your own homes. Did the people feel that buying your own house took you a step away from them?
Bill Otto: Our congregation traditionally felt they needed to provide the pastor’s home. They were proud to say, “We’re giving this to you.” It gave them a sense of ownership, not only of the property but of us, too.
When I first presented our desire to own our own home, they resisted. I had to assure them it would not cost them any more money, and it wasn’t a step of independence. In fact, it rooted us more firmly in this community. We wouldn’t be as likely to leave after we’d built our own house.
So in the end, they realized our owning a house was a sign of our commitment to them.
Leadership: Does a congregation expect the pastor’s marriage to be trouble-free? How do family tensions affect the ministry?
Jill Briscoe: A pastor’s family is a model whether you want it to be or not. We’re not models of perfection, but we ought to be models of growth. How do you do that? By falling down at times in front of the congregation. When they see you struggling, they identify.
I remember dragging one of my children outside to the back of the church, and as I was administering the spanking, I looked up and to my horror saw a woman I would not have chosen to witness this scene.
She said rather primly, “Have you read the Dobson books?”-as if any proper mother wouldn’t need to punish her child this way.
I decided then I would no longer sneak off if my children ever needed discipline-I’d do it openly so no one would feel they’d “caught” us.
Bonnie Halcomb: We need to let our congregation know we’re a normal family with normal struggles, but we’re learning to work through these trouble areas. If a pastor’s family cannot give assurance that they find hope and answers in Scripture, how can they minister?
People are watching! I usually stand with Mike as he greets people after the service. One Sunday we had a guest speaker, and I figured three at the door would be a crowd, so I wasn’t there. One lady rushed up to ask, “Are you having a fight with your husband?” I hadn’t even thought of that, but I learned people really watch.
Bill Otto: Paula and I feel we have to live out our marriage in front of the congregation. Neither of us is shy about holding hands or putting our arm around the other in public. In the past, of course, that just didn’t seem the thing for a pastor to do.
Mike Halcomb: One of the most touching moments in our ministry came when we organized the congregation into small groups and asked various church leaders to take responsibility for keeping in touch with the personal and spiritual needs of each segment.
One Saturday our doorbell rang, and one of the leaders stood there. “I’m here to visit and pray with you,” he said. “You’re my responsibility.”
He prayed very knowledgeably, assuming we had the same family problems that his and every other family had. We were ministered to.
Congregations need to know, and want to know, that the pastor’s family isn’t trouble-free. But they also need to know it isn’t troublesome. Between those two poles is the ideal for the pastoral family.
Leadership: Obviously no pastor’s family will be perfect, but when does Titus 1:6 apply-“An elder must be blameless . . . a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient”? Or 1 Timothy 3:5-“If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”?
Mike Halcomb: The Timothy passage concludes with a warning not to fall into reproach. And the greatest reproach is hypocrisy-when something is espoused in the pulpit but not upheld in the home. Children are sensitive hypocrisy detectors, and they’ll report it widely, which brings reproach upon the cause of Christ.
But that passage is not referring to the normal maturation process of children. Our boys are inclined to pillage and plunder, sometimes in the church basement! I have to reprimand them. But I trust their being normal boys doesn’t disqualify me for ministry.
I also don’t think that passage speaks to grown children (and in the Bible days, that would probably be fourteen to sixteen years old) who choose to disassociate themselves from their faith.
Bill Otto: Right, those verses are referring to a behavioral pattern of being wild and disobedient. It’s describing an individual out of control.
Bonnie Halcomb: We’ve known pastoral families where a child has been wild and rebellious, and yet as far as we can tell, the parents did everything they could to bring up that child to love the Lord. Many times, five or seven years later, that child will come back to faith, and to love and respect the parents.
Leadership: Do congregations expect you to have children? Is there “something wrong” with pastors who don’t?
Bill Otto: We know a pastor who did not have children, and whose congregation put so much pressure on him and his wife that it forced them out of the ministry. He’s a teacher now.
Bonnie Halcomb: We always laugh when we think of the time we announced we would be adopting our first son. One little old lady came to Mike and said, “That’s how every pastor and his wife should have children.” (Laughter)
Mike Halcomb: She thought pastors were sexless!
Seriously, these are personal decisions, and pastors and spouses need psychological space. The congregation can’t be making these decisions for them. It’s a tough enough decision for two people without getting two hundred involved.
But realistically, their opinions are something you’ve got to be ready for.
Leadership: Reflecting on all these areas we’ve touched, are expectations good or bad?
Bill Otto: They’re a mixed bag. Certain expectations are legitimate, and pastors must accept them and live up to them. Expectations are bad when they demand things the lay people aren’t willing to follow themselves. It’s the double standard that really takes its toll.
Bonnie Halcomb: Expectations can be good when they cause us to examine our priorities, when they sensitize us to our faults, and when they get us out of personal ruts and challenge us to grow. They are destructive if they force you into a role where you can’t be true to yourself or to the Lord.
Mike Halcomb: I think the answer is found in the context. If the pastor and people are advocates of one another’s welfare and of the good of the ministry, expectations can be very healthy.
If the relationship becomes adversarial, however, expectations become a burden. Of course, you’ll always have those individuals who take it upon themselves to be the pastor’s adversary-the loyal opposition. We need to listen to those expectations, too, because the Lord can speak to us through those individuals as well.
Hopefully, though, we’ll develop relationships of mutual advocacy rather than being distrustful adversaries.
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