PASTORING THE PIRANHA - Christianity Today

“Pastor, I need to talk to you. Can we get together for a visit?” It was one of our members.

“Sure,” I replied. “Why don’t you come by this afternoon.”

Upon arriving, first, he closed my office door. Second, he took a list out of his shirt pocket. Third, he began his assault. For the next thirty minutes, he criticized and critiqued my nine months as pastor of the church.

“You’ve spent far too much money,” he said, “and you’ve started too many new programs. We weren’t ready for all these changes.”

He continued down his list: “You’re not visiting enough. You’re neglecting the senior adults, and we don’t like the changes you’ve made in the order of worship.”

Then he questioned my integrity. “You’ve made major decisions without church approval. You’ve taken off more time than the church authorized, and I’ve noticed strange discrepancies in the financial statements.”

The list went on. His criticism was relentless. When he left, I thought I’d been shot by a machine gun. I had been through a war, and I had lost.

Although the above story is an extreme example, it’s certainly not an isolated experience. John Killinger once described pastoral ministry as “life in the piranha bowl.” That’s an apt description. Through such unpleasant experiences, I’ve learned some things about coping with criticism. Here are my suggestions for surviving life in the piranha bowl.

Expect criticism

A sense of excitement filled our seminary classroom. A pastor from one of the largest churches in our denomination was the guest lecturer. He had agreed to visit our class: “Life and Work of the Pastor.”

I’ll never forget my surprise when he said: “Be prepared for constant criticism. Expect at least 10 percent of the people to criticize everything you do.” As a student, I wasn’t prepared to hear that. But I’ve since learned the truth of his statement. We could squabble about his percentage, but the principle is absolutely correct.

Criticism in the ministry comes with the job. It always has-beginning with our Lord himself. If we cannot handle criticism, we probably don’t belong in ministry. We won’t survive.

Listen to it

Listening to criticism isn’t easy. Our first response is to get angry and become defensive. Listening, however, has an important benefit-our critic may be right.

Take, for example, my list-carrying parish piranha. I didn’t appreciate his “making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice” attitude. Intimidated by his approach, I didn’t listen well. At the moment, my mind was preoccupied with self-defense. I kept so busy denying the false accusations that I didn’t hear the valid criticisms.

After he left and I’d nursed my wounds a bit, however, I reflected on his criticism. He did raise a good point. In my enthusiasm, perhaps I had made too many changes too fast. Others were nervous, but he was the only one courageous enough to speak to me about it. By listening to his criticism, I heard an important message that helped me understand my congregation.

Another, deeper reason for listening to criticism is that in many cases it’s a cry for help. Often the loudest critics are experiencing pain and struggle. Beyond our defensiveness may lie an opportunity for significant pastoral care.

At a board meeting a man complained, “Our church is empty. Our church is divided. Our church is in financial crisis.” The pastor stifled his urge to defend himself. Because he knew the struggles this man faced, he heard the deeper issues.

He told me later, “This man was crying out for help. His life was empty. His family was divided. His business was in financial crisis.”

Several days later this pastor paid the man a visit. He told him he respected his opinion (which he did), and they talked about the board meeting. Before long, however, the discussion moved to the real issue-the tremendous amount of pain this man was carrying. He began to relate his struggles to his pastor. Because this pastor had “the ears to hear,” he was able to minister to a hurting person.

Confront the source

Most church members aren’t bold enough to walk into our offices and confront us with criticism directly. We usually hear it from other sources. In such cases, I like to talk with the critics themselves. I take a direct approach, something like, “I hear you’ve got some feelings about so and so. Can we talk about it?” A loving attitude and willingness to listen, I’ve found, help things go smoothly.

One of my church members criticized recent appointments to the finance committee. He served on the nominating committee and was angry that he’d not been consulted. He accused me of meeting secretly with the education minister to manipulate the appointment process to our advantage. When that rumor spread throughout the church, I went to see him.

“I hear you’re unhappy about the new appointments to the finance committee,” I said.

“I sure am!” he snapped back. “I should have been invited to the nomination meeting, but I wasn’t.”

“I don’t understand how that happened,” I replied. “I announced the meeting on Sunday, and the secretary made reminder calls on Monday.”

His face began to turn bright red. “Oh, my goodness!” he said. “I was out of town at the time!” He apologized for his anger, and the rumors immediately ceased.

Not all stories end in reconciliation. But even when they don’t, we’ve at least made an attempt to solve the problem. And even if we can’t resolve the issue, we might be able to agree to disagree, or at the very least, know we’ve done our best to deal with the issue.

Ignore petty criticisms

Not all criticism merits response, especially that of chronic complainers.

One woman got angry at me for not visiting when she was home sick with the flu. Another woman was irate because we misspelled her name on a nursery roster.

Abraham Lincoln handled criticism well. He once said, “If I were trying to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might well be closed for any other business. I do the best I can, the very best I know how, and mean to keep on doing it to the end. If the end brings me out right, what is said against me will not amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels, swearing I was right, would make no difference.”

We cannot afford to be destroyed or distracted every time critical comments come our way. Sometimes we have to ignore them.

Have a support system

“The criticism from my congregation, even though I’m doing my best, is about to kill me.” The speaker was Bruce, one of seven ministers who met every Wednesday morning in the community where I formerly pastored. We listened with empathy. All of us understood.

You should have heard us talk theology-two Methodists, a Presbyterian, two Catholics, an Episcopalian, and a Southern Baptist. Yet, despite our differences, we became a close-knit group of friends. Although we officially existed to study the weekly lectionary lesson, we actually gathered for support. On that day, Bruce shared his struggle, but at various times we all took our turn.

I’ve found a support group crucial. Ministry is too hard a job to go it alone. Even Jesus sent out his disciples two by two.

Teach a better way

Since hostile criticism is an inappropriate way to deal with disagreements, conflict, and anger, and part of our calling as ministers is to “equip the saints,” conflict resolution is an area in which the saints need equipping.

Our example alone can teach a better way. How we deal with anger, conflict, and criticism in a healthy manner serves as a model for our congregations. Our preaching and teaching ministry also can point to a better way. And the Sermon on the Mount is a good place to begin.

Several years ago disagreement over the new budget broke out in my church. Although not a major conflict, it offered a good opportunity to address from the pulpit the subject of judgment and forgiveness. My text was John 8:1-8, the story of the woman caught in the act of adultery. The title of my sermon was, “The End of the Stone Age.”

After the morning worship service, one woman stopped me and said, “Pastor, your sermon really spoke to me today. I’ve been far too critical toward some of the people in our church. I want you to know that I love you, and that I love the people of this church, and that I’m going to continue to support our church to the best of my ability.”

I once taught a five-session seminar (on Sunday nights) called “Anger and the Christian.” The central theme was Ephesians 4:26, which says, “Be angry, but do not sin.” The seminar dealt with such issues as why we get angry, what the Bible teaches concerning anger, and how to deal with anger in a responsible and Christian way. I used Andrew Lester’s book Coping With Your Anger: A Christian Guide (Westminster, 1983) as my primary resource. The seminar was well attended and received. In the following months, I saw people more effectively deal with their anger.

Remember the positives

In the midst of criticism, it’s important to remember the joys of ministry. During college I was struggling with my calling. I went to a Presbyterian minister and asked, “What do you like best about the ministry?”

Without hesitation he said, “I like working with people in significant ways, and I like mediating the presence of God.”

Ministry is a good gift from God. When we get discouraged and frustrated over the constant criticism, it’s important to remember the positives. For all the struggles, ministry is still the best job around.

Still, I sometimes feel like Gary Abbott, who when asked how he coped with criticism said, “Sometimes I cry.” We all know the pain of criticism. I’ve learned, however, that when I follow my own suggestions, I cope fairly well. Ministry becomes rewarding, meaningful, and fun-even in the piranha bowl.

-Martin Thielen

Southern Baptist Convention

Nashville, Tennessee