COUNSELING OUTSIDERS - Christianity Today

In a world full of stress and uncertainty, some pastors find that people from outside the congregation ask for counseling-premarital counseling, family counseling, vocational counseling, counseling for emotional problems.

Says Ken Schamens, pastor of Abiding Savior Lutheran Church in Anderson, South Carolina, “It reached the point where I had to decide: How much time can I spend counseling nonmembers?

“My calling is to minister the Word and sacraments to the members, equipping them to become disciples,” Schamens said. “But at the same time, I feel it is also part of my calling to be available to those who are in need, whether they belong to my church or not. It’s a real conflict.”

Is it part of a pastor’s duty to provide counseling to anyone who asks?

Reasons pastors say no

Some pastors have concluded that at times saying no is best for the pastor, the church, and the person seeking counsel.

Rick Collins, pastor of Cornerstone Assembly of God in Anderson, South Carolina, said he learned this lesson firsthand when a local employer asked him to counsel a troubled employee. The person was a total stranger to Collins.

“I had some reservations, and I told him that my time was limited, but I agreed to do what I could,” Collins said. After the initial meeting, Collins determined the worker needed long-term counseling, something he had told the employer he could not provide.

The employer, however, urged Collins to provide whatever help he could. So Collins set up an appointment for the worker with a full-time Christian counselor and provided the time and meeting place of a local support group he believed might help.

His advice went unheeded, the worker lost his job, and Collins got the blame.

“It was an uncomfortable situation,” Collins recalled. “It’s made me a lot more careful about who I choose to spend my time counseling.”

For Collins, and most other pastors, choosing to counsel those who are not members of their congregation instantly adds one more demand to what is usually an already-hectic schedule.

“Someone once told me a parish priest has time for only five hours of counseling a week, so you can see the limits that imposes even on pastors of small churches like mine,” said Kevin Warner, rector of St. Katherine’s Episcopal Church in Williamston, Michigan.

Resolving this conflict sometimes means refusing a request for counseling.

Reasons to say yes to outsiders

“I see the main benefit is just the fact that you are doing the kind of thing that shows the caring nature of the Savior,” said Bobby Morrow, pastor of Boulevard Baptist Church in Anderson, South Carolina.

“Numerically and financially, my church has benefited very little as a result of my counseling nonmembers,” added Tom Richey, pastor of Young Memorial Presbyterian Church in Anderson. “But that’s okay. To me it’s a concept of ministry, not a profit motive in terms of members or money.”

This is one of the primary reasons many pastors refuse to rule out altogether counseling outsiders. These leaders are convinced that as long as the church door is open, some will be helped.

Russell Rice, pastor of Oakwood (Independent) Baptist Church in Anderson, said it was a pastor with just such an open-door policy who had a major impact on him.

“During my formative years, there was a pastor who always had time to counsel me, even though my family didn’t attend his church,” Rice recalls. “That experience meant a lot to me then, so I’ve tried to make myself available to anyone who needs help.”

When the door is open, it’s not unusual for members of other churches to walk in. These folks are embarrassed to share their problems with their own pastors. This sort of pastoral “time-share” can also play a key role in strengthening the ties between churches in a community.

“Sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone you don’t come in contact with every Sunday,” explains Paul Slice, pastor of Holy Trinity Lutheran Church in Anderson. “I’m sure that’s true for my people as well as those from other churches. In fact, I’ll refer my people just as I would a nonmember if someone else can better deal with a particular problem.”

One pastor said he regularly received calls from other pastors asking that he counsel their members. A middle-aged Sunday school teacher from a church across town recently visited his study seeking help for her marriage. Her husband, a leader in the other church, was having an affair, and she was ashamed to tell her own pastor.

Reaching beyond the doors of one’s own local congregation also increases the church’s presence in any given city or town.

“It allows you to be a community pastor,” Collins says. “It also develops a sense of confidence in your own congregation when they know they can refer friends to their pastor for counseling.”

Collins, who spends much of his counseling time with nonmembers, said nearly all who call his office have been referred by church members.

Resolving the tension

Despite the benefits that can come from counseling outsiders, it’s a decision most pastors don’t make alone. Seeking the counsel of deacons or church boards is often the best way to determine how the church as a whole views counseling outsiders.

Some pastors, such as Collins, are encouraged to offer counseling at their discretion, while others, such as Schamens, retain a decidedly narrower focus.

Schamens said that when the number of requests for such counseling became burdensome, he sought the counsel of his board. The board made it clear they saw his ministry as one that should be directed primarily toward members, thus giving Schamens guidelines to use when prioritizing his time.

But another key element in deciding whether to counsel these people is the willingness to refer those whose needs exceed one’s abilities to give them adequate counsel.

Many pastors have found they can serve both the stranger in need as well as members of their own church most efficiently by acting as a spiritual traffic director, a clearinghouse for those seeking help.

To these leaders an open-door policy means the willingness to meet with anyone to evaluate his or her needs and to determine where those needs might be met.

“I’m a clinically trained pastor, but the best clinically trained pastor is not the best long-term counselor,” said Richey. “It’s just not our primary function. While I believe I’m skilled in counseling, my greatest skill is to recognize my limitations.”

A young woman talking about suicide recently walked into Rice’s office to seek his advice. After a short conversation, which revealed the woman’s mother had committed suicide some time ago, Rice realized this person needed help he couldn’t provide.

“People can work out some things talking with a pastor, but mental problems aren’t on the list,” he advised. “I’ve grown toward that position through the years. 1 didn’t always see it that way. I don’t think I ever hurt anyone, but I wasted people’s time-time they could have spent with a counselor who could have helped them.”

Surprised by joy

Don’t be surprised when a counseling request arises that seems neither logical, referable, or salvageable.

When a couple on their way to divorce court stopped by Collins’s office one afternoon, he faced one of the toughest counseling calls of his life. The pair wanted counseling, even though they had no intention of stopping the divorce proceedings, which were scheduled for less than a week away. It was clear that nothing the pastor could have said would have changed their minds, yet the wife insisted Collins counsel the pair during and after the divorce.

“I politely declined,” Collins said shaking his head. “I made it clear that I work toward healing, not brokenness.”

The stunned couple left his office, only to return two weeks later, after the divorce, seeking premarital counseling.

“I really had to pray about that one,” Collins chuckled. “I’d tried to shock them into seeing that what they were doing wasn’t right, but it didn’t work out that way. But for some reason I felt that if they had the guts to come back here knowing how I felt about the situation, why not counsel them?”

After several weeks of counseling, the couple remarried and joined Collins’s church. They’ve remained active members.

“It was a judgment call that could have gone either way. I’m glad it worked out the way it did.”

-Greg Wilson

Anderson, South Carolina