The recent furor over women reporters interviewing male athletes in the locker room raised again the centuries-old issue of how men and women relate to one another. The church, of course, has also struggled with this question.
On one hand, we find people who want to minimize the differences between the sexes. The National Football League considers gender differences less important than providing equal (and immediate) access to interviews for the post-game show.
On the other hand, differences between the sexes provide a steady source of material for stand-up comics (“When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?”) as well as for serious researchers.
Both traditionalists and feminists are taking seriously the work of Georgetown University linguist Deborah Tannen, whose most recent book, You Just Don’t Understand (Morrow, 1990), explores the different conversational styles and unspoken “metamessages” sent and received by women and men.
While admitting many individuals are exceptions to her general conclusions, she identifies a number of ways that male and female conversational styles tend to differ.
Women’s conversation, she says, tends to be “symmetrical”-emphasizing equality and intimacy-and is judged primarily on the basis of how close participants perceive themselves to be.
Men’s conversations tend to be “hierarchical”-emphasizing each person’s independence and relative status. In groups, men tend to identify who has the best information on the topic of interest and grant that person an elevated status.
Thus, while women judge conversations by the quality of interaction, men gauge conversation by the quality of the information. Tannen calls it “rapport” versus “report.”
These differences frustrate communication at times.
For instance, Tannen says, women are more likely to enjoy sharing their troubles without expecting solutions, while men are more likely to focus immediately on how to solve the problem.
When men short-circuit the “ritual lament,” women feel men don’t fully appreciate the problem. Men, on the other hand, get frustrated by what they perceive as unproductive commiserating.
Another example: where women tend to see disagreements as a threat to intimacy, men are more likely to consider disagreeing a way of affirming independence and a sign of respect. Tannen cites studies showing that games played by boys are often punctuated by arguments about rules, which are considered part of the fun. Girls, however, tend to end the game rather than argue about how they’re going to play, and so jeopardize relationships.
Illustrations of these principles are excerpted from Tannen’s book on pages 28, 30, 32, and 33.
How do such differences between men and women show up in the church?
One indication is provided by Drs. Sharon Johnson and Phil Van Auken, codirectors of the Baylor University Center for Church Management, who tabulated the results of a Church Data Services survey of more than 35,000 men and women in primarily evangelical churches. They found men’s and women’s preferences and attitudes toward most areas of church life virtually identical.
At least two areas of difference, however, stood out.
First, women are more likely than men to be indifferent or negative toward church growth-57 percent of the men, but only 50 percent of the women agreed with the statement I would prefer our church to grow larger numerically.
“Given the number of people surveyed,” said Sharon Johnson, “this is a significant difference.”
Second, women are more likely to have committed their lives to Christ at an earlier age (65 percent before age 18; 31 percent between 18 and 39; 4 percent after age 40). Men are more likely to convert after age 18 (55 percent before age 18; 40 percent 18-39; 5 percent after age 40).
Thus in both secular and sacred forums, we are rediscovering some of the unique characteristics of men and women.
This edition of LEADERSHIP offers some initial insights about ministry to these, the two broadest of target groups. In future issues, we hope to continue refining our ability to reach all people with the message of the gospel, and with the metamessages they can understand.
In our continuing efforts to provide practical help for church leaders, LEADERSHIP launched, a year ago, a series of books called Mastering Ministry. Excerpts have appeared periodically in LEADERSHIP (see page 118 in this issue), and the books out so far-on contemporary preaching, on church management, on outreach and evangelism, and on worship-have been well received.
But a number of readers have said, “We’d love to sit down with the authors of these books and talk face-to-face about these topics.”
Well, now that opportunity is available. LEADERSHIP and Multnomah School of the Bible are cosponsoring a Pastors’ Enrichment Conference, which will bring together several of the Mastering Ministry contributors along with other resource people active in Northwest Renewal Ministries.
It will be held April 8-12, 1991, in Portland, Oregon. Details are spelled out in the announcement on page 50.
If this experiment proves effective, other such regional conferences may be held in other parts of the country. If you would enjoy getting together, I’d invite you to join us.
We want to keep looking for ways to encourage one another toward faithful and effective church leadership.
Marshall Shelley is editor of LEADERSHIP.
Copyright © 1991 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
