Leadership asked three respected leaders how pastors can navigate the choppy waters of recovered memories: Dan Allender is a psychologist and professor of biblical counseling in the graduate school of Colorado Christian University in Denver. Gary Gulbranson, an experienced pastoral counselor, is pastor of Westminster Chapel in Bellevue, Washington. Louis McBurney is a psychiatrist who founded Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado, which specializes in work with ministers. Upon hearing about the allegations, what should a pastor do? A pastor’s immediate response should be to offer care and comfort. That’s the role of a paraclete, someone who comes alongside another who is hurting. The woman making the accusations is obviously in pain. She needs her pastor to believe something happened, even though knowing exactly what happened is impossible. Pastors should say, “I believe that something very significant happened to you, and I want to help you get to the heart of it.”
But pastors need to be careful not to fill in any of the gaps.
Who are the critical people needing the pastor’s presence?
Once the word is out, a pastor should get with the couples involved, especially the victim and her husband. The pastor has a responsibility to provide a caring context for everyone who’s a part of that fellowship.
The husband of the one making the accusations is a key player. He needs to be brought to the place where he can help his wife work through her trauma. Both need to understand that the ordeal involves the two of them.
As a woman begins to deal with her past abuse and then ties it to a significant male in her life, her husband often bears the brunt of her anger. Many husbands won’t understand that and wind up reacting to her. So the husband needs to be coached to understand that at times his wife will pull back from him. He needs to give her both safety and space.
How should a pastor view his or her relationship with any therapist involved?
Pastors need to establish a working relationship with a therapist who recognizes the unique role of the pastor. Most pastors are not prepared to handle psychological complexities, but most therapists are not prepared to handle theological complexities of forgiveness and repentance and restoration. Both sets of issues are key for healing. It needs to be a partnership.
What about forgiveness?
At some point, forgiveness does need to come into play. Somewhere along the line, all the parties need to be brought together. They need help sorting out and clarifying all the information: What’s true? What’s not? This will take a lot of courage and a lot of skill, but together, a pastor and a therapist can help bring the situation to a redemptive close.
– Gary Gulbranson
How should a pastor respond to someone’s making allegations based on recovered memories?
The truth of a recovered memory is impossible to determine. Sexual abuse almost inevitably occurs in private with no substantiating verification available.
The pastor may have to be direct with the one making the allegation: “I am not able to validate your memory. I have no basis to say, ‘I believe you’ or ‘I don’t believe you.’ I believe your sincerity but can no more claim you’re right than I can claim you’re wrong.”
How should pastors handle criticism for not believing the victim?
Pastors may have to say, “If you claim re-victimization, you’re putting me in the position of being your victim by demanding that I believe you.”
What should pastors look for in a therapist for someone with recovered memories?
The underlying assumption for many therapists is that the memories of sexual abuse must be reclaimed in order for the person to be healed.
But memory is not a videotape or photograph of past events. It’s a deeply biased interpretation of events. Too many studies show that false memories can be easily created.
One question pastors should ask potential therapists: What is your view of sanctification? Do you believe that memories must be reclaimed in order for change to occur?
It’s imperative that therapists have a model that does not psychologize abuse but that has at its core the issue of repentance.
How should pastors minister to the accused?
This sounds cruel, but the first part of living in a fallen world is dealing with the log in your own eye.
I’ve asked fathers accused of abusing their daughters, “Tell me the nature of your relationship with your daughter prior to her accusing you of abuse.”
In almost every case, there has been great estrangement between the daughter and father. When there is a deeply unaddressed distance between a father and daughter, plus a therapist who insists that abuse is likely the root issue, you have the makings of a volatile false memory.
Here I’m sometimes caught in a bind: I may want to say to that father, “I think more than likely you’re being falsely accused.” Yet I’m forced to say, “What about the log in your eye: what is at the root of this estrangement between you and your daughter?”
I don’t think Satan cares which way he wins: false allegations or sexual abuse. He cares only about destroying the glory of God and hardening people’s hearts.
– Dan Allender
What makes recovered memories so complex?
Aaron H. Esman, professor of clinical psychiatry at Paine-Whitney Clinic in New York, wrote an editorial in the American Journal of Psychiatry, (August, 1994): “Over reporting, under reporting, retrospective distortion, contentious recollection, and responses to overt or implied suggestion–all may play a part in skewing the data, requiring a substantial measure of reserve in their interpretation. .~.~. Even when clinicians and researchers do not implant or provoke such memories, our very culture itself offers suggestions that may help to shape the subject’s theories of pathogenesis.”
How can a pastor determine what is true?
Thomas Gutheil, professor of psychiatry at Harvard, in Psychiatric Annals, differentiates between what’s true and what’s real. What’s “true” is narrative truth–true to the person reporting it. As caregivers, pastors acknowledge what someone believes happened to them, showing concern for the woman making the accusations and helping her work through her feelings.
But that “truth” is not necessarily historically accurate. The two cannot be confused.
What if the matter goes to court?
The pastor must try to maintain a neutral position, showing acceptance of both parties. If, however, the situation moves toward a legal confrontation, the accused needs to get good legal advice and representation. Pastors will want to stay out of the middle of that. A pastor is not in a position to be an expert witness for someone involved.
– Louis McBurney
Copyright (c) 1994 Christianity Today, Inc./LEADERSHIP Journal
Copyright © 1994 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
