Jerry Kirk knows pornography. While pastoring College Hill Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, he founded the National Coalition Against Pornography, an alliance of citizen-action groups, foundations, and religious denominations, as well as the Religious Alliance Against Pornography (RAAP). They helped fight porn in Cincinnati. In 1988, Jerry resigned his pastoral charge to pour fulltime energies into his effort, which is now called the National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families.
His campaign has taken him to the halls of Washington D.C., the talkshow set of Oprah Winfrey, and the studios of NBC “Nightly News.”
But to Jerry, the fight against pornography is not just political; it’s personal. Why? He is the father of five children and the grandfather of sixteen.
“If I fall morally,” says Jerry, “I hurt my children and grandchildren.”
LEADERSHIP wanted to know what a pastor and anti-porn activist has learned about winning the personal battle against pornography.
ARE WE WINNING OR LOSING THE BATTLE AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY?
Kirk: Despite recent legislative victories outlawing hard-core material, pornography is omnipresent. It assaults people in hotel rooms, in airports, in convenience stores. The seductive woman described in the Book of Proverbs is now in every hotel room, literally seducing Christian men all over America.
IRONICALLY, YOUR WORK PUTS YOU IN HOTELS MANY NIGHTS EACH YEAR. IS WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY ON CABLE A TEMPTATION FOR YOU?
On six separate occasions during the last two years, I struggled whether to watch pornography while staying in a motel room. The first time, I was flipping through the channels to find the World Series. While flipping through the channels, I came across a channel with half-nude women. I flipped over to the baseball game. Ten minutes later, I flipped back to the movie and then quickly back to the World Series. I did that four or five times before I shut off the TV.
I was unnerved at the power of the temptation, especially since I’ve given my life to combat pornography. I’ve had to come face to face with the Lord and plead for mercy: “Lord, how is this possible?” I began to lose confidence in my prayers.
God reminded me, “Jerry, I’m not surprised by your sin. I’ve known all along you were a sinner. I’ve known all along that you were weak. I needed you to know that you were weak. And I need you to know that I alone will make you strong.”
HOW DO YOU MINIMIZE THE TEMPTATION?
When I’m at a hotel, I no longer flip through the channels because I may run across ShowTime and HBO, which sometimes show explicit sex. Instead, I choose a channel, and I punch in that number. Also, when I arrive at a hotel that offers sex channels, I ask the front desk clerk to disconnect them –before I go to my room. It doesn’t mean I can get rid of ShowTime and HBO, but I put the hard-core stuff out of reach.
Then, I have a time of prayer before I even turn on the TV. I recall several passages of Scripture that I’ve memorized for this occasion. (See “Power Passages” article.) I don’t have the temperament for memorizing Scripture, but I’ve made it an integral part of my life for the last seven years. So when I enter my hotel room, for example, I’ll quote John 17:19, where Jesus prays, “And for their sake I consecrate myself that they also may be consecrated in truth.”
I’ll use that prayer to pray for my family: “For my wife’s sake, I consecrate myself. For my five children and their five spouses’ sake, I consecrate myself. For my sixteen grandchildren’s sake, I consecrate myself. for my pastor friends who look to me for strength and protection, I consecrate myself. For the people at College Hill Presbyterian Church whom I served for 21 years, I consecrate myself. For the peace, purity, and unity of God’s people, I consecrate myself.”
In addition, I carry with me at all times a picture of my family and put it on the top of the television. I believe men are to be a protection, for their family. If I fall, I hurt my children and grandchildren.
When arriving at a hotel, the key thing is to move immediately on the offensive–in prayer, in worship, in taking authority over the Evil One. The best preparation for defense is a good offense.
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU GIVE TO THE PERSON WHO ISN’T FINDING THE WILLPOWER TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL?
Pornography says that exciting sex is sex outside of marriage. It never depicts married people having sex but rather singles with singles, or married people with someone other than their spouse. So first, I urge this person to come clean before God, which means calling a spade a spade. It means agreeing with God that pornography is sin, that it has enslaved you, robbed you of your freedom, of your closeness with God, of your ability to worship him wholeheartedly. It’s saying, “In the power of Christ, I will win this victory for God’s sake, for my wife’s sake, and for the sake for my children.”
MANY PEOPLE TRAPPED BY PORN WOULD AGREE WITH THAT. IT MUST TAKE MORE THAN MENTAL ASSENT TO FIND FREEDOM.
That’s why the second step in healing is telling a confessor, someone outside your congregation with whom you can be totally honest. In his book Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoffer said that everybody needs a confessor.
Of course, pastors must choose their confessor carefully. This person must be someone who doesn’t need to share secrets. You need a confessor who knows the grace of God so he can offer it to you and a confessor who knows the holiness of God so that he will call you to accountability and call you to righteousness. You don’t need somebody who’s going to be soft on you.
Many people think they are confessing their addiction to God when they are merely confessing it to themselves. Confession to another human being helps us face the living God in our sin, helps us experience a depth of repentance, and helps us receive God’s grace.
IF THE PASTOR HAS A CONFESSOR, DOES THE PASTOR’S SPOUSE NEED TO KNOW?
Let me speak for men: I’ve never known a married man who has won the victory over his addiction to pornography without sharing it with his wife. Through telling your wife, you concretely see the pain your sin causes the Lord. You come face to face with the high price of sin. Nothing helps you face up to your sin before God like seeing the pain of your spouse.
The tendency for a husband is to think, No one knows. But his wife does. She might not know what is driving a wedge between them, but she knows something is wrong. Pornography makes a husband unable to give himself lavishly to his wife, because his need for her is lessened.
So a man needs to tell his wife for this reason alone: he needs her forgiveness. Through his addiction to pornography, he has heaped on her false guilt. Often a woman will assume that she is the reason her husband has lost interest in her. The man needs to deliver her from that. He needs to admit he is the cause and repent.
I want to add, however, that I do not think specific details should be shared with a spouse. A wife may never be able to get specific pictures out of her mind.
She simply needs to know in general but honest terms her husband’s struggle. The timing of sharing and asking forgiveness is very important.
HOW IS A PASTOR’S WIFE LIKELY TO RECEIVE THAT CONFESSION?
After hearing me publicly tell about my temptations, my wife said, “Honey, it is so painful to hear you say that. But I see how it helps others every time you do.”
I certainly ceased to be her knight in shining armor. That’s why the spouse also needs a carefully chosen confessor. She can’t live with the burden of her husband’s sexual temptations or addiction by herself. She too needs someone she can share that with.
It’s unfair to your spouse if you unload on her without helping her find someone with whom she can share that load.
AS A PERSON STARTS TO BREAK FREE FROM PORNOGRAPHY, WHAT WILL HELP HIM OR HER STAY FREE?
You need a fresh vision of what your life can be like if you are disciplined in this area–and what it will be like if you are not.
In five years, what will your life be like if you have been able to be self-disciplined? What will the level of joy be? What will the level of confidence in prayer be? What will the level of self-esteem be?
Now, imagine yourself disciplined for ten years–winning the victory in the motel room, being able to encourage others, having your wife trust in you totally. What would it mean to have your wife’s complete trust? What is it worth to have your kids respect you and find strength and grace in you?
Now go to twenty years, and imagine your wife saying, as mine did recently, “I cannot tell you what it means to me to be able to trust you totally.”
AND THE ALTERNATIVE VISION?
Now, imagine five months from now if you are not disciplined–that every time you go into the motel you watch sexually explicit material from ShowTime or hbo or worse, the pornography channels.
What will it do to your self-esteem? To your confidence in God? To your confidence in prayer? To your sense of being in right relationship with the Lord?
Think of 1 John 1:7: “Those who walk in the light, the blood of Christ cleanses them from all sin.” Those who don’t walk in the light, don’t feel forgiven; they don’t feel close to the Lord. What’s it worth to feel close to Jesus Christ? What’s it worth to know you’re pleasing him, to know he’s taking pleasure in your behavior?
Imagine five years from now–then ten and fifteen and twenty years–as the gulf widens between you and the Lord. Picture the lack of peace, the lack of confidence.
Dr. Victor Cline at the University of Utah has dealt with hundreds of porn addicts. He says there are four stages to addiction.
First is the addiction itself.
Second, the addiction escalates–you crave harder and harder pornography.
Third, you become increasingly desensitized: What was absolutely abhorrent before begins to become attractive.
Fourth, you act out the behavior.
That’s the alternative vision.
WHAT GIVES THAT HORRIFYING VISION ITS POWER OVER PEOPLE?
Every time you masturbate after watching pornography you seal more powerfully your bondage to it. In our body is a chemical called epinephrine, which locks into our memory dramatic experiences. That’s why we can remember, for example, where we were when we heard John F. Kennedy had been shot. Another name for epinephrine is adrenaline, which locks sexual experiences into the brain.
 In masturbating to pornography, you lock into your body the images that triggered it–and the guilt feelings accompanying it.
IS MASTURBATION ALWAYS SINFUL?
Almost always. I do not believe it’s possible to masturbate with pornography and not sin. The whole process is triggered by lust.
Perhaps the only time when masturbation might not be sinful is when it is a means of protecting you from doing something worse: While traveling or during his wife’s serious illness, a man might fantasize about his wife, for example, and masturbate to relieve loneliness or tension.
But if you fantasize with pornography or about another woman other than your wife, it is clearly wrong. It is sin.
YOU’VE GIVEN YOUR LIFE TO CONFRONT SOCIETY’S DARKER SIDE. HOW HAVE YOU MAINTAINED A POSITIVE OUTLOOK?
I spend a lot of time with the Lord in worship, praise, and thanksgiving. Once while reflecting on Romans 8:28-30, I realized my need to be continually aware of Christ’s love for me throughout the day. I needed a trigger, something to remind me of how much Christ loves me and how much his love cost him.
About that time, a woman in my church said, “Jerry, every time I see a cardinal, I stop and say, ‘Lord, Thank you for your love.'”
I adopted her idea and bought a bird feeder and put it outside my window. I bought the kind of seed that draws cardinals, and soon I began to see ten or fifteen cardinals every day. Those cardinals signaled Christ’s love for me, and consciousness of his love began to fill my life.
Then I thought, Why not think of Christ’s love every time I see any bird, not just a cardinal? So every morning on my porch, where I have my quiet time, I’ll see from fifty to a hundred birds. Every time I see a bird, I am reminded of Christ’s love. Whereas I used to avoid 1 Thessalonians 5:16 -18–“Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances”–now every time I see a bird I do just that. Worship has begun to fill my life.
Also, I’ve had to cultivate a sense of humor, which did not come naturally for me. And I have sought to be totally vulnerable and transparent. No secrets, nothing hidden. I cannot allow anything to remain hidden or I will lose my freedom. If nothing is hidden, Satan cannot destroy us. One day at a time we win the victory.
Copyright (c) 1995 Christianity Today, Inc./LEADERSHIP Journal
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Copyright © 1995 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
