Adultery
A third-grade Sunday school teacher was uneasy about the day’s lesson: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” By way of introduction, she asked, “Would someone please explain what adultery means?”
A young sage answered matter-of-factly, “Adultery is when a kid lies about his age.”
Jonathan R. Mutchler Blaine, Washington
Budgets
The bad news: the average American has just $83.42 in the bank.
The good news: The average American is $4.6 trillion richer than the U.S. government.
Hope Health Letter (2/96)
Communication
A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, “Can you paint?”
“Yes,” he said. “I’m a pretty good painter.”
“Well, here’s a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you’ll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you’re done, I’ll look it over and pay you what it’s worth.”
It wasn’t more than an hour before he knocked again. “All finished,” he reported with a smile.
“Did you do a good job?” she asked.
“Yes. But lady, there’s one thing I’d like to point out to you. That’s not a Porsche back there. That’s a Mercedes.”
The message we send is not always the message that’s received.
Bruce Thielemann Preaching Today
Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Someone told me that a commencement speaker is like the body at an Irish wake. They need you in order to have a party, but nobody expects you to say very much.
Anthony Lake National Security Adviser, commencement speaker at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Family
Isn’t this nice? We’re a typical nuclear family. Yeah … one meltdown after another.
Tribune Media Services
Honesty
A troubled man sought counsel from a therapist: “Doctor, everyone calls me a liar.”
“Oh, come on now,” said the counselor. “I can’t believe that.”
The Light (Issue 11)
Stewardship
Paul Harvey’s broadcast (11/22/95) shared this insight:
The Butterball Turkey Company set up a hotline to answer consumer questions about preparing holiday turkeys. One woman called to inquire about cooking a turkey that had been in her freezer for twenty-three years. The operator told her it might be safe if the freezer had been kept below zero degrees the entire time. But the operator warned the woman that, even if it were safe, the flavor had probably deteriorated, and she wouldn’t recommend eating it.
The caller replied, “That’s what we thought. We’ll just give it to the church.”
Rik Danielson Show Low, Arizona
Taking Action
A golfer’s errant shot ended up on an ant hill. He squared up, took a big swing—and missed. Thousands of innocent ants were killed. The hacker took another swing—and missed again. Another wave of ants was destroyed. Panic-stricken insects scurried everywhere.
One ant finally took charge. “Follow me,” he cried with authority. Another ant yelled, “But where are we going?”
He pointed to the Titleist golf ball sitting in front of them. “There. If we don’t get on the ball, we’re going to die!”
—What’s made you laugh—and made a point? Send us clean, fresh, funny stories. For items used, Leadership will pay $35. If the material has been published, please indicate the source. Send submissions to: To Quip … , Leadership, 465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188. Or contact us.
1996 by Christianity Today/LEADERSHIP journal
Last Updated: September 17, 1996
