I haven’t seen Bob lately. Do you know what has happened, Pastor?
“No, I’m not sure. He hasn’t said anything to me.
With those words, I tried to guard the truth I had long suspected but not confirmed: Bob and his family had decided to leave the church. There were no good-byes, no words given to anyone. They just stopped coming. It was as though their years of fellowship in the church never happened
Through the years, a few people have been up front concerning their decision to leave. Some foreshadowed their departure by hinting about an area of dissatisfaction. But most left without notice. When I have had the opportunity to ask them, “Why didn’t you say something?” their number one reason was, “We didn’t want to cause a problem, so we left quietly.
In a congregation of eighty, the disappearance of a family of four is anything but quiet
Whatever the reasons for their leaving, the pattern is disturbing: the vast majority who leave don’t try to resolve the problem. By the time I get wind of it, the decision has been made. Many never say good-bye
Sudden departures create unfinished business
When I entered the ministry, I tried to ignore people’s exits. I did not bring it up in conversations with parishioners; if they brought it up, I sought to change the subject. In my mind, I was fulfilling the apostle Paul’s admonition of “forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.
I now recognize that the responsibility to bring closure to broken relationships falls on me; I must somehow close the loop. Three groups need help when church members suddenly depart
My family
When a family drops out, my feelings can run the gamut of emotions. One question that arises is, Was it because of me? At times, I’ve been thrown deep into introspection, trying to uncover the real reason. I have been hit so hard by some sudden departures that I have dusted off my resume. I think, I’m going to leave them before anyone else leaves me. Often, I fear a domino effect: Will this one family’s departure cause others to jump ship? How many more are ready to desert? I’ve had to learn to be honest with myself about how hurt I feel when someone leaves
Departures also affect my wife and children. When a family walks out, my wife will frequently feel hurt that people had so little appreciation for the time I invested in them, that they didn’t even say thank you before leaving
A family’s leaving can bewilder my children also. Recently, a family who had children my son’s age left the church. My son kept asking if he would see his friends again. “I don’t know,” I said, “but your friends are always welcome at our house.” Secretly I doubted he would have a meaningful relationship with them again
In my early ministry, I tried to hide sudden departures from my children. I was afraid that if they knew what had happened, they might grow up with a jaded view of the church. Now, however, I seek to give a simple, honest explanation
One Sunday afternoon, my daughter said, “Mike announced in Sunday school that this was their last Sunday at our church. Are they leaving?” I had suspected the Johnsons were considering leaving, but this was the first and only announcement
I used my daughter’s question as a springboard to discuss some of the struggles the Johnsons were having as a family and we were having as a church. In such situations, I keep details to myself. When such details surface, I seek to be honest yet discreet
Those who stay
Some time ago, a family left our church because our youth group was too small. I was surprised to hear many seniors express anger toward the couple, even questioning their commitment to the Lord. The seniors felt the younger generation was too consumer-oriented and did not understand the meaning of sacrifice and “trusting their kids to the Lord.
Many in the congregation need to express their feelings about a family’s departure. Now when a family leaves and the subject comes up in conversation, I have two objectives
First, I want to help people honestly express their disappointment, confusion, or other feelings without engaging in gossip. Last year a family left our church without saying a word to anyone. During a men’s retreat, someone who had been close to the family began expressing anger toward the way in which the father of the family had left without so much as a “See you around.” During the weekend, I was able to help defuse his anger with statements such as, “This really caught you off guard, didn’t it?” or “I, too, am going to miss having the Smiths in our Sunday school class.
Second, I use the occasion as an opportunity to express my view of how a person should leave. When the family slipped out because they were disenchanted with our youth program, another member approached me expressing sympathy with the decision this family had made. I guided the conversation away from the troubles with our youth group to the manner in which this family handled the problem
“I really would have appreciated John coming to me earlier,” I said. “We could have discussed the situation and prayed through it. And then, if he continued to believe that God would have him worship somewhere else, we could have rejoiced together over the Lord’s leading.
This accomplished two goals: I had instructed someone in a process of basic conflict resolution and sought to convey that I am approachable to discuss problems that may arise in the future
Those who leave
I have one objective with the family or person who leaves and doesn’t say good-bye: I want to close the loop but not the door
When I discover a family has left, I seek to contact them. Sometimes it will be by phone, sometimes I set up an appointment, other times I simply stop by. I prefer face-to-face contact
In my first pastorate, an elder and his wife stopped coming. I had sensed something was wrong beforehand, but he would never answer directly when I asked if anything was wrong. When he and his wife left, I quickly asked if I could talk with them. In our meeting, it became obvious that leaving was the husband’s decision, not his wife’s. He gave several reasons, but his body language and lack of eye contact told me I was not getting the full story. No issues were resolved in the meeting, but I conveyed my commitment to them by initiating the contact
One important lesson I have learned is not to rebut every reason given for leaving. One person who left our congregation insisted there were not enough fellowship opportunities. I held my tongue from enumerating everything our church does and from saying how this person had missed many of those gatherings
When my turn to speak comes, I emphasize that we have a good group of people and are trying our best as God leads. I express appreciation for this person’s past ministry. If I feel we have let them down as a church, I apologize and ask forgiveness
Then I try to probe with a few questions: “How long have you felt this way?” “Does your spouse feel the same way you do? Do you feel there is anything we can do to remedy the situation?
Finally, as I close out the time, I express my sadness at their departure. When our organist dropped out because of conflict with another instrumentalist, I said, “Marie, the people really loved your offertories. You can’t imagine how much you will be missed.
If I feel people have been unfair in their estimation of the church or situation, I express it at this time. When a young man felt disenchanted with the church because it wasn’t like the one he attended in college, I said, “Bob, every church is different. We may not be like that group, but we have a lot to offer, and I feel you have a lot to offer if you want to come back.
Whatever the reasons for leaving, I assure people they are always welcome to come back. Then I pray with them, asking God to lead them as they seek a new place of worship. By closing the loop, I leave the door open
Not many return, but a few people do. When they do, I am genuinely able to welcome them back into the family
Stephen Gregory is pastor of Alliance Church of Dunedin in Dunedin, Florida.
1997 by Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.
