The notion of confronting someone used to leave me tongue-tied. But during my eight years in corporate management, I found that most people, when confronted in the right way, accepted correction and were grateful for help in approaching people or tasks in a more productive way.
While filling in as children’s pastor, I placed Joanne (names throughout have been changed) in charge of a particular program. Soon, though, her enthusiasm turned to frustration and she became increasingly short with people. So I met with her.
“Joanne, your passion for children’s ministry shows in the way you’re tackling this job,” I said. “How do you feel about what you’re doing?”
“It seems people avoid me when I head their way,” she said with a bemused smile. That was the opening I needed.
“Joanne,” I said, “I think some are trying to avoid you. I’ve heard from a few that they felt you ordered them to help in your area. I know you asked, but I think what they’re hearing is ‘You have to help.'”
With guilt and shame she said, “I feel terrible that they think I ordered them around. I’m certain that I asked them.”
“How were you feeling when you talked to them?”
“Frustrated,” she said.
“Joanne, when I’m passionate about something and others don’t seem to share my passion, I get frustrated, too. I think we’re much alike in this way. I’ve had to learn to really listen to what I say and how I say it. Otherwise, I find myself demanding instead of asking. Perhaps that’s what happened here. You’re very valuable to our children’s ministry. I’m sure that once parents know your heart they will want to help. Would you do me a favor and try to really listen to how you ask people for help?” I hoped I had pointed her in a positive direction.
“I’ll try,” she said.
Seeking objective facts
When trying to determine whether or not confrontation is necessary, I have learned that if I have not observed the problem directly, then I must get information from several sources. I’ve been embarrassed when I confronted a situation based on only one person’s account. In Joanne’s case, three people came to me independently: “Carol, Joanne told me I had to help in my child’s room.”
This confirmed we had problem. I needed to step in before she alienated all of the parents she wanted to recruit!
What were they thinking?
If I determine a problem needs to be confronted, then I try to figure out the other person’s point of view. Sometimes this gives me a new perspective.
Not long ago, I considered confronting our worship leader. As a member of the worship team, I felt picked on and unappreciated. But as I weighed it from his perspective, I realized it was my insecurity, not insensitivity on his part, that caused the friction—I had no reason to confront him.
Other times, seeing things from the other person’s perspective helps me determine what she is likely to say. Since people usually get defensive when confronted, being prepared for their reactions helps me stay objective.
With Joanne, I knew she truly believed she was asking for—not demanding—help. So I could explore what emotions might have been producing those effects. She did not get defensive or emotional, just thoughtful.
Sometimes, though, I have been surprised by what the other person is thinking. “Jim” led the usher team for one of our Sunday services, but he never scheduled workers in advance. Consequently, the service always seemed chaotic. I figured Jim just needed some training, so I talked to him.
To set the tone, I generally begin with praise of the things the person is doing well. Every person has something I can find to praise.
“Jim, thank you for always being faithful to this ministry. How do you think it’s going?”
“Pretty much the same as always—a little hectic,” he said.
“What do you think we could do to make this less stressful?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s okay,” he confidently replied.
“Do you know who is going to be here each week?”
“No. I just ask people I know as they walk in if they want to help.”
We were on two different planets! He did not see a need to change. When I asked if he would like a co-leader to schedule ushers, he readily agreed. Now, with a helper for Jim, the service runs much smoother.
Location, location, locution
Confrontation demands a time and place that is convenient, yet provides privacy. Confrontation should not have an audience! Therefore, I try to meet them where we can be alone at a time they choose.
I talked with Mike while we walked around the church property. No one was within earshot when I asked, “How do you feel your class is going?”
“Not too well. I think I took on too much with this study of Romans. Would you mind if I ended it in two weeks?” He knew there was a problem and had his own solution. Now that was an easy confrontation.
When good plans go bad
What happens when the confrontation does not work?
Joanne seemed to accept what I told her. But a few weeks later, she asked to see me alone.
“I don’t like the way you told me to discipline some of the kids. You shouldn’t have used their names.” She launched a list of grievances. “You should pray at the beginning and the end of our meetings. You hurt my feelings when I first declined this job and you said you understood, that you knew I had a demanding job. I had to find someone to be my assistant before you would take me,” she blurted.
Joanne had suppressed her anger. As I listened, I tried to make sense of what she was saying. In truth, it made no sense to me initially.
“Joanne, I have great confidence in your abilities in disciplining children and in doing this job. I’m sorry that if what I said on those occasions made you think otherwise. I appreciate that you came to me and let me know. Without your help, children’s ministry would suffer.”
I tried to respond to each infraction while also trying to address her feelings; I believed that she felt I did not value her. Clearly, I had not made a good enough effort to give her the positive reinforcement she needed, something I subsequently tried to correct.
Sometimes the only way to successfully reach an agreement is to allow time for reflection, prayer, and healing.
Confrontation may not ever become easy. But knowing ways to speak the truth in love is essential in ministry. I continued encouraging Joanne every time I saw her. Eventually, she greeted me with a smile and genuine warmth. When the new director of children’s ministry joined our staff, Joanne’s job was done. She wrote me a letter thanking me for the personal growth she experienced, direct evidence of the power of a positive, loving confrontation.
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