Ministrys Double Binds

A psychologist friend speaks often about “double binds”—two contradictory expectations placed on a person. Both expectations cannot be met; it’s impossible.

When faced with a double bind, no matter what you do, you are inevitably wrong.

As a country singer might put it, “When you’re wrong, you’re wrong, and when you’re right, you’re wrong.”

Pastoral ministry has more than its share of double binds. DBs can be hard to detect, because one (or sometimes both) of the contradictory expectations never gets spoken. You don’t discover you were in an impossible situation until you fail.

As a rap singer might put it, “You don’t find the bind till you’ve lost your mind.”

Here, for example, is a list I started of Double Binds for Pastors (spoken from the viewpoint of churchgoers):

We want you to guide us and help us grow, but don’t change anything substantial in the church because we like it the way it is.
You should have a model family, but we also want you to pick up when we call and be present at evening meetings
Be intimate, caring, compassionate. Hold a hand, put an arm around a shoulder, meet with people alone to hear their deepest concerns. But don’t put yourself in a compromising situation, and you can’t have sexual desires or drives.

A close cousin to the Double Bind is the Double Standard:

We can get angry with you, but you can’t get angry with us. The farthest you can go is to be “concerned.”
I can move away to take a better job, but if you do, Pastor, you have to couch it as God’s leading you—against your will.

Of course, pastors sometimes put themselves in Double Binds:

If the church grows, God is blessing; if it doesn’t, it’s my fault.

And let’s not forget Double Binds for Church Members:

You should be deeply involved in the community to help reach the world. Come out for all these great church events we have coming up.
Serve out of your spiritual giftedness and where you have a passion. But as a church we really need you to work in the nursery.
True biblical stewardship is not just about money; it means you offer all of yourself—time, talent, and treasure. The elders have asked me to point out that we’re behind our budget for the year.

So how do you handle double binds? Recognize them and laugh about them—even better, mock them, like Luther did with religious relics, indulgence peddlers, and even Satan. If laughter can turn away the Devil, it can surely foil a Double Bind.

As a hymn writer might put it (to the tune of Amazing Grace),

Thro’ many Double Binds I’ll go
Take up the double fight
Like Janus looking to and fro,
Caught in both day and night.

Yet single-minded I would be
A servant with one eye;
My only hope of sanity
A clown with whipped-cream pie.

Kevin Miller is editor-at-large of Leadership and executive editor of PreachingToday.com.