Sam was missing again. The cheerful boy Betty taught in Sunday school and led in scouting had missed several Sundays lately. She thought about Sam’s behavior in the last few children’s activities he attended. Normally the 10 year old was active and excited, but Sam had begun to withdraw and grow quiet.
Betty decided to visit Sam’s home, just to let the family know that Sam had been missed. When Sam’s father answered the door, he was curt, defensive, and refused to open the door more than a crack. Betty could look in just enough to see Sam’s frightened eyes peering at her from around the corner.
Betty didn’t know whether Sam was being abused. She only saw things that concerned her and cared enough to look into it. She called me, the abuse advisor for my denomination. We discussed Sam’s situation and decided it was best that she contact the authorities.
What should concern me?
There is no perfect profile for identifying a sexually abused child. Some become withdrawn, while others act out aggressively. Sexual abuse should not be diagnosed except by trained investigators. But there are warning signs that warrant a church leader’s further attention.
Betty noticed a change in Sam’s behavior. Major mood swings indicate something is wrong in a child’s life. Perhaps it’s only brief anxiety or childhood fears, or it may indicate something worse. Other warning signs:
- Aversion to touch, or the opposite, age-inappropriate, overtly sexual behaviors.
- Self-loathing, often seen in an apologetic mood or in rages against others.
- Fear or dislike of bathrooms or closets, the places where sexual abuse often occurs.
- Age-inappropriate knowledge on sexual topics, which sometimes indicates exposure to pornography.
- In later years, depression and suicidal tendencies. Abused teens are 10 times as likely as other teens to commit suicide, and 4 times as likely to suffer mental health problems.
Sometimes children confess that they’ve been abused. Too often this is dismissed as storytelling. But a child is much less likely to invent a story of sexual abuse than they would physical or emotional abuse. Very rarely does a child lie about being sexually mistreated.
Children disclose sexual abuse in one of three ways. Sometimes it’s direct: “My teacher hurts me.” Sometimes it’s indirect: “I don’t like bath time.” Sometimes it’s disguised when the child is actually talking about himself: “I have a cousin whose Mommy . …”
What do I do?
When a child discloses abuse, do not become angry, accusatory, or disparaging of the offender. The child is desperate and vulnerable. Her trust has already been violated by the offender, and she’s looking for someone safe to talk to. You can’t make promises or keep secrets, but you can listen and care. The best thing to say when faced with a disclosure is “Tell me what you mean.”
Record the places, circumstances, and times of events that cause suspicion. Report the child’s exact words. If a child says, “Grandpa touched my pee-pee,” do not interpret or substitute adult terminology. If you suspect abuse, contact the local children’s services agency. Investigation into the guilt of a potential offender is the work of the authorities. Churches taking that responsibility on themselves risk relational and legal complications.
After our conversation, Betty contacted the authorities. Sam was placed in foster care, and his father was eventually convicted. Today Sam has returned to church. He is again joyful. Betty said, “Sam has been released.”
Nancy Turley is Territorial Abuse Advisor for the Salvation Army in Canada and Bermuda.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
