Pastor Joe told the youth minister, “Don’t take Heather on the youth trip. She’s not a suitable chaperone.” Heather Jones was only two years older than most of the kids in the group. Her younger sister, Kaitlyn, a high school freshman, would be going on the trip, and the girls didn’t get along. And Joe had heard that since Heather had left for college, she had not exhibited the highest moral standards.
When the youth minister, Thad, a seminary student, first joined the staff, Joe had one request: “Please don’t date members of the youth staff. In our experience, working relationships get sticky when things break up.”
Thad agreed, but later he questioned the pastor’s request about Heather.
“I’ve heard some things that make me uncomfortable, and I’d rather not discuss them,” Joe explained to Thad. “And besides, it doesn’t look good for a single man and woman to be the only adults on a youth trip.”
The day before the trip, Heather’s father called. “Joe, it’s okay with us for Heather to chaperone the youth trip. We talked with Kaitlyn, and she’s fine with it, too.” Mr. Jones seemed to be speaking not just as Heather’s father. He was also the chairman of the personnel committee, and appeared blissfully ignorant about the temptation such a trip posed.
Later, Thad complained, “There was no one else to ask.” Joe relented.
When the group returned from their retreat, Kaitlyn approached Pastor Joe. “My parents don’t know this, but while the youth were at the beach, Thad and my sister disappeared for two hours. I think they’re, well, involved.”
Thad admits he’s seeing Heather, but denies they’ve done anything wrong. Joe recommends to Thad that he look for another ministry position, and thereby avoid the embarrassment of a meeting with the personnel committee and Heather’s father.
Soon, Joe hears rumors that he, the pastor, is pushing the youth minister out, and the youth parents are taking sides.
Question: What should Joe do now? To whom, if anyone, should Joe reveal the reason he asked Thad to leave?
Erwin Lutzer: It’s very important, given what happened, for the elders to know. This gets sticky since Heather is the daughter of an elder. But Pastor Joe must tell the elders.
He must privately say to Heather’s dad: “Look, whether you agree with me about Thad and Heather seeing each other or not, we can’t have a youth director going off with a girl for two hours and nobody knowing where they are. This is not a criticism of Heather. Thad disregarded what I said. He disobeyed my clear instruction, and he showed poor judgment on the trip.” That’s the issue the elder board has to discuss. This is not about Heather; this is about Thad.
Personally, in light of the facts here, I think Thad might have to be dismissed, but you work through the process. If you can get an elder board to form a consensus, it takes a tremendous amount of heat off the pastor.
Stanley Grenz: Pastor Joe and Thad need to clarify their relationship.
First, there’s a question as to the lines of accountability. Thad needs to know, Who am I working for? Perhaps Thad thinks, Well, I’m working for the elders. And her dad said I could take her.
In addition, the relationship Joe and Thad have now is one of a person who is commanding, who is responsible for boundaries, and a young guy who doesn’t like boundaries and doesn’t like somebody setting them for him. That is the wrong relationship.
Had it been a mentoring relationship, there would be hope. Pastor Joe could come alongside and say, “You’re a promising young man. I think God has great things in store for you. There are just some things that we can learn together that will help you, that will spare you, perhaps, a lot of heartache.”
If they can reestablish that kind of relationship, they might be able to pull this thing off without Thad needing to leave. If they can’t, there’s no hope.
David Handley: It’s absolutely essential that Kaitlyn, the whistle blower, be rewarded and not punished. She needs to see that her disclosure was taken seriously. And her confidentiality needs to be protected.
Heather needs to be protected in the same way. Whatever Heather may or may not have done at college is not relevant here. Thad’s behavior is the issue, not Heather’s.
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