Nobody has time to mentor. In fact, conversations with Christian leaders reveal that the number one reason they don’t take on a disciple or facilitate a mentoring program is that they simply have no time.
And yet, the leadership of Richland Bible Fellowship (a 1,500-member congregation in Dallas, Texas, a Palm Pilot mecca that heralds its Starbucks-infused 70-hour workweek) takes the time.
Here are three of their stories.
For more than fifteen years, Mark Engelthaler, executive pastor, has mentored one man per year, and now many of these men mentor others. Almost ten years ago, Mark’s wife, Lesa, began a women’s mentoring program. In 2004, senior pastor Bill Brewer launched a men’s mentoring program. These stories show that mentoring can be adapted to fit your unique circumstances, and most important, that it’s worth your time.
As full-time ministry leaders or committed volunteers, everyone feels the time crunch. Bill, Mark, and Lesa are no different. But Lesa points to something Dallas Theological Seminary professor Stan Toussaint, who was one of Richland’s first pastors, once said: “Love is eternal. People are eternal. Therefore loving people is eternal.”
Consider these stories and remember that mentoring is simply spending time loving people. Everybody has time for that.
Mark’s Story
Every Sunday Dan sat in the same pew with his family, but he also made it clear that he did not believe in Christ. Dan’s academic background in science just didn’t allow for the supernatural elements of Christianity.
One afternoon, I received a frantic phone call from Dan’s wife, Anne. Dan was in the hospital with heart problems and wanted to talk to me. After intense conversation and much prayer, Dan made it through heart surgery, and during the process, he became a follower of Jesus.
A few weeks later, Dan asked, “Mark, I believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins, and yet I still have a lot of questions about God, creation, miracles, and so many other things. Will you meet with me so I can sort through these issues?”
“Of course!” I said.
Mentoring is simply pointing them in the right direction and walking with them on the journey.—Mark Engelthaler
Dan and I try to meet each week for an hour in my office. We began with the Navigator study Growing in Christ and added C. S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity. The combination of the two books has spawned great conversation.
Usually God quietly nudges me to approach a potential mentoree, and yet, sometimes, he drops them right into my life.
Painful Inspiration
My commitment to mentor came from a hurt in my life. As a young seminary student, I asked an older Christian man to mentor me, but he was too busy and turned me down. From that experience I prayed that the guys to whom the Lord led me would experience significant spiritual growth.
Often the men I ask to meet with me come from my natural circle of influence, such as the Bible study I’m leading or younger guys on staff with me. I ask them hard questions up front (Do you seriously desire a deeper and more committed walk with the Lord? Can you commit to a couple of hours a week?) to determine their level of commitment and willingness to see change in their lives.
A drawback of the me-selecting-them method is that sometimes guys I don’t choose have hurt feelings. But on the whole, my personal screening of potential disciples makes the dropout rate low and the success rate high.
Though I’ve done this for years, I’m always surprised when someone I approach says “yes.” It has taught me that people want to be asked. People want to grow up in Christ, but they don’t know how. Mentoring is simply pointing them in the right direction and walking with them on the journey.
I am also surprised by how people really do grow. Several years ago, I met with a man and, to be honest, at the end of the year I wondered if he had grown at all.
Last month I attended a small group meeting during which this guy led the Bible study capably and with deep insights. He had really grown. It’s both fun and encouraging to watch God work in people and to know that I had a small part in that growth.
What’s the price to be paid? I had to learn to open up my life and calendar to this kind of commitment. Every week, I can talk myself out of it with, “What about sermon prep? Or the budget meeting?” And on and on. But when I choose to meet with these men, God always blesses me too.
I am learning to expect obstacles such as schedule conflicts, slow change, and personality conflicts.
Several years ago I mentored a new believer who was so enthusiastic. It was exciting just to be a part of his life. Yet, I chose to use a Bible study with him that was out of his league and too intense.
He and I laugh about it today, but I learned that mentoring is more about modeling and relationship and less about proper exegesis of a particular passage.
I am a “love the limelight” kind of guy. So I had to get used to the fact that discipling is a behind-the-scenes sort of ministry. And unfortunately, in our society, men think that if they say they need anything, it implies weakness.
I want the men in my church to take off their “rugged individualism” mask and see that Christianity is about growing up in Christ and learning to be dependent on him and others. I’m learning that the investment of my time every year to meet with a man one-on-one is an important part of that process.
—Mark Engelthaler
Lesa’s Story
Much of my formative spiritual growth resulted from older Christian women saying yes to my cries for help. I was clueless about the sacrifice they made to add me to their schedules. They were busy pastors’ wives, college professors, or women with careers, all deeply involved in ministry. Even so, these women took time to invest in me. Because of their modeling, I felt compelled to do unto others what they had done unto me.
Yet, as I grew older and “did the math,” mentoring one woman a year didn’t seem enough. In 1996, I prayed for God to show me other women in our church with the same passion. The answer to that prayer was for me to begin a program to partner women one-on-one for a one-year commitment.
It was not an easy decision. I’m a pastor’s wife with a career and already involved in many areas of the church. Where would I find time? So I had one rule for the program: keep it simple. I didn’t want something that took tons of administration, and the women involved certainly didn’t need “one more meeting.” I promised that this program would help them get intentional about a ministry they probably already did—influencing and encouraging other women.
My keep-it-simple mantra came from C.S. Lewis: “Think of me as a fellow-patient in the same hospital who, having been admitted a little earlier, could give some advice.”
In the fall of 1997, at an all-church women’s dinner, we announced the new ministry: Disciples at Heart. Then we had an informational meeting to explain details: our goal is not intense Bible study, but meeting for encouragement. The commitment is once a month for one year. The participants fill out an information profile, which helps us prayerfully pair them.
This is the hardest part, yet every year I’m in awe at how God sovereignly pairs up women we’ve never met. Then we contact each woman to provide her partner’s name, and the program basically runs itself.
The only extra commitment is attending two group meetings each year. This has become a vital part of the ministry, because when women look around the room filled with others who think discipleship is important, it helps us see that we’re a part of a bigger multiplication plan.
It surprised me that women I considered mentor-ready felt so unprepared. So two years ago, we added a mentor training element. It’s been well received. The investment of my time to begin this mentoring program taught me that the experience, maturity, and spirituality of women helping each other creates a powerful reservoir of God-given strength that benefits our church.
Out of the success of the women’s mentoring program came multiple inquiries: “Where’s the men’s program?” I began praying that God would help meet that need. Two years ago, he did.
Role Reversal
One thing I discovered about mentoring is that I often benefit from what my mentorees have to say.
I had one rule for the program: keep it simple. I didn’t want something that took tons of administration.—Lesa Engelthaler
As I slid into the seat across the restaurant table from my mentoree Melissa, I had anything but “I’m the older godly woman” thoughts in my head. I’d come straight from work, preoccupied with a job-related frustration. Waiting for our dinner I silently uttered an SOS prayer, “Lord, you gotta show up because I have nothing to offer tonight.”
I asked Melissa about her day, her family, how her personal time with the Bible was going. Then something happened that was so God-like. Melissa is about ten years my junior, and she’s also fairly new in her faith. Yet her profession as director of human resources makes her my “senior” in the work world. Melissa asked me about the situation I was facing. When I told her, then out of her mouth flowed the most amazing managerial wisdom, which was exactly what I needed to hear.
That night, God showed up, but not in the way I’d imagined. He used my mentoree to mentor me.
—Lesa Engelthaler
Bill’s Story
One morning I’d planned to ask Randy about his relationship with his wife, Donna. When he arrived, we talked briefly about the Mavericks game, ordered breakfast, and just as I was about to ask my first question, Randy asks one of his own: “Bill, I’m really struggling at work. My boss is asking me to do some things that are unethical, maybe even illegal.”
For the next several meetings, Randy and I talked about the risks and rewards of maintaining integrity in the business world. We reviewed some valuable principles from Proverbs and the New Testament about the Christian and his work.
Originally, the subject of work was further down my list of topics for discussion, but that morning, the situation with Randy’s boss moved it to the top of the list. God often sets his own agenda through current life experiences. And being flexible is where the power of mentoring is most effective.
Randy worked things out with his boss, and three months later at breakfast, I asked him, “So, what investments have you made lately in your relationship with your wife?”
Mentoring is not about a carefully outlined curriculum. It’s about life-on-life relationships.
Investment Returns
During a sabbatical two years ago, I started looking back on what God accomplished through my ministry.
The first thing I thought about was the people I’d influenced who were now serving or living for Christ. I asked God, “When I go back and reengage in ministry, what areas do you want me to invest in?” Mentoring was number one on the list.
Mentoring is about relationships and influence. It’s really life-on-life.—Bill Brewer
Up to that point, every year I’d met with someone one-on-one. But I wanted this to become an ingrained mindset in our church. Also, I had several young guys asking me to mentor them, and it frustrated me that I couldn’t meet with all of them. I began praying for God to show me older men in the church who would share this vision of helping younger men grow spiritually.
I selected twelve guys and we met one Friday morning a month for a year. I started with guys 50 years and older (because we’re a fairly young-in-age congregation, the next year I moved it down to 40-year-olds). I didn’t just approach the spiritual giants. I knew from experience that there’s something about having a younger guy ask you a spiritual question that you don’t have a clue how to answer that forces you to study and grow yourself.
We read Howard Hendricks’s book, As Iron Sharpens Iron and named our program: Iron Man. The first six months we met, the guys wanted a curriculum to use with their mentorees. But for me, mentoring is about relationships and influence. It’s really life-on-life, not about curriculum. So I tried to teach them that they didn’t need one; their lives were the curriculum.
I was surprised that most of them didn’t feel adequate to mentor. When I described what a mentor was, they nodded with assent, but they didn’t see themselves in that role. It took a little more work to get them to embrace it to the point where they were willing to invest their time and energy.
I learned that men need the most training in spiritual leadership. One of their biggest fears was that they didn’t have the resources to integrate their spiritual lives into all aspects of life. I told them that successes, failures, and struggles are all designed by God to help somebody younger going down the same road.
I challenged a few guys from the first group to help me with the next group of mentors. The goal is that one or more of them will eventually facilitate this ministry instead of me.
How did we match mentors with mentorees? On a men’s retreat, I presented the mentoring ministry. I passed out applications asking age; career; education history; family status; where they were on their spiritual journey. The details helped us to find a match. Then, the mentors met together and had a “draft day.” I was nervous about how the matching was going to work. But then one man got it rolling, “Hey, I think that guy ought to be mentored by Mike.” It was rewarding to listen to some of the guys say, “You know, I feel like God wants me to mentor this guy.” It amazed me how quickly it happened and everyone felt good about it.
And it is working. Now I believe that mentoring is one of the most important strategies for growing the church into the next generation. —Bill Brewer
Lesa Engelthaler is a writer and a mentor in Garland, Texas.
Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information onLeadership Journal.
