Struggling with Same-Gender Attraction

Sarah is a 33-year old single woman who shows up on Fridays at a support group for men and women with unwanted same-sex attraction. No one in her church knows about her struggle or her loneliness. She needs brothers and sisters within her congregation to love and mentor her.

Here’s how a church can create a safe environment in which this can happen.

I once taught a class on homosexuality to a group of ministry leaders. At the end, one of them asked, “But what do I do if a woman tells me she has same-sex attraction?” I’d just spent two hours explaining that! It became apparent that this leader viewed homosexuality as so foreign that she could not fathom how “normal” ministry methods applied.

At its root, homosexuality is no different than any common struggle. We have all experienced sexual temptation and tried to meet emotional needs in unhealthy ways. The similarities in our trials far outweigh the differences. Thus, ministering to same-sex attracted people is easier than you might expect.

Friendship is the best way to demystify the issue. Try taking someone who struggles out to lunch, visiting an ex-gay support group, or befriending a gay activist and hearing her story.

Proactively invite transparency

Many Christians with same-gender attraction ultimately embrace homosexuality because the weight of secrecy becomes unbearable, and lacking other options, they turn to the gay community for acceptance. When I first told a friend about my same-sex attractions, it took me forever to sputter out my confession. I knew what many in the church thought about pro-gay legislation, and I heard Christians tell gay jokes; I doubted it was okay to confess a personal struggle. To prevent this, ministry leaders must intentionally and frequently verbalize their desire to minister to this population.

One pastor invites transparency by openly addressing sexuality via sermons, guest speakers, forums, and blogging. He uses a calm, objective presentation of the Scriptures without injecting emotion-laden opinions or fixating on political issues. He also helps his congregation put a face to the issue by inviting speakers to share their testimonies.

Celebrate celibacy

Despite counseling and prayer, not everyone who struggles with same-gender attraction will develop a heterosexual orientation (some studies suggest reorientation rates around 15–30 percent). When a believer’s orientation does not change, he or she faces the prospect of celibacy. That’s a difficult decision in a church culture that exalts marriage. Celibacy can be alienating, making them feel like an odd addendum to the rest of the church body.

My church addresses this through small group fellowship that integrates marrieds, singles, and all age groups. We meet in homes and eat meals together. This allows us to experience healthy family dynamics and provides the relationships we need to stay afloat when loneliness hits.

Cell groups can also cultivate familial connectedness if they are long-term (one to two years), have low turnover, and encourage participants to connect beyond the formal meeting. Churches can help by emphasizing that our primary value and role is not in marriage or parenthood, but in conforming to the image of Christ, whether we’re married or celibate.

In every congregation there are parishioners who struggle with their sexuality or have gay loved ones. The good news is, the church can draw these brothers and sisters into a community that nurtures, strengthens and gives hope.