A woman I'll call Carrie was a young, successful sales rep for a major pharmaceutical company. Her star was rising rapidly and she spent about four days a week on the road with her regional sales manager and his technical adviser. Both were men. Both liked to end a long day in the hotel lounge over drinks.
"I knew that joining him and his buddy in the lounge would be smart for my career," Carrie told me. "But I was uncomfortable, and my husband was uncomfortable too."
Right here hit pause. Note to my readers: As I set up this very common situation, I do not place the onus of moral behavior on the woman alone. Hardly is it Carrie's job to carry the banner of right and wrong, to see that "nothing happens." My message to men would consume another column. But in writing to women, as I do here at Her.meneutics, I stay aware of what my sisters and I can't control—other people, many circumstances—and what we can: ourselves.
To both sexes, and with national headlines ringing in my head, I open with the obvious reminder that marginal situations can sideline the best reputations and highest careers. I leave it to columnists and commentators to debate FBI procedures and online missteps. As I write to Christian women in a professional climb across the United States, our question is more immediate and practical: How do we contribute to healthy, strategic work with men so that we advance our careers without risking right relationships—or the good work we may be doing?
At the risk of sounding idealistic, even trite, my first counsel is that the path that winds through work that is both personable and professional begins in God's presence. No shortcuts. Our daily steps find surer footing as we stay in communion him and with other believers.
And by other believers, I particularly mean our sisters—ideally a safe circle of real women dispensing candor and accountability. Women able to hold us up and, as needed, hold our feet to the fire. For life's many gray areas, a woman in the working world needs both community and seasoned counsel. And did I mention commonsense? To that end, following is some basic and practical input from the executive sisterhood, much of it about that smoky-gray area after hours and our time with colleagues away from the office. (Final note: This advice also applies fully to men.)
Number one: Keep your control. Pounding shots in a hotel bar, to date, has sharpened no one's decision-making. What's more, any friend nudging you to "keep up with the gang" is not your friend. And if you order a soda or tea and someone gives you grief, find someone else to talk to. Too much to drink, for anyone, is a cheap ticket to skewed thinking; add the opposite sex and that off-campus feeling of a road trip, and you multiply the odds of words or actions you'll regret more than you can imagine (Eph. 5:18).
Be among the first to leave. Business-related late-night soirees commonly start with a large group and dwindle as the night wanes. At these gatherings, face time with colleagues can help build team spirit, and, as we know, the camaraderie is fun. The counsel isn't to boycott these mixers but to know when to leave. The first person getting up to head out typically is my cue to toss out my own goodnight and head back to my room. As a rule, I'm there by 10 p.m.
Dress appropriately. After a day of negotiating airports, meetings, traffic, and deals, it's normal to want to get into something comfortable and kick back. Comfortable is good; revealing sends a non-professional message. The businessmen I respect tell me that women who parade their stuff are taken less seriously.
Maintain boundaries. As appropriate, let your associates know the essentials. If you're married or have children, mention your family. Ask the men in your group about their families. If you're single and a man seems headed in an undesirable direction, a few words pleasantly delivered can help him reroute: "How well do you know Jim, our VP of human resources?"
Stay aware. A lot of women—yes, this will sound gender-biased—tend to speak with their hands. When I'm talking with friends, it's not unusual for me to touch a shoulder or reach out and lightly grab an arm. Be circumspect on the job or after hours.
Mind the grapevine. I'm no fan of office gossip, but a person can collect useful intelligence from water-cooler conversations and Monday weekend wrap-ups. Learn who the players are—the men and women known for flirting or hard partying. If you find yourself on the road with a rounder, keep your distance. Gossip can be inaccurate, but reputations are earned, and you're wise to know the human thin ice. The point isn't to judge others but to exercise good judgment.
Be professional after hours. Whether joining colleagues for dinner or traveling on your company's dime, keep professional relations professional. If the conversation turns unwisely personal, steer it back. Most extra-office liaisons begin innocently, as people drop their guard and share intimate details. When it comes to needless disclosure, just say no.
Life is relational; it's a fact. Another fact is that men and women are made for community, for doing more, faster, better through shared gifts and teamwork. I can hand you studies showing that corporate boards with at least three women perform better. So a few sad headlines and flashing red lights should not deter women from strategic friendships that can help grow their careers. This leads us into the positive side of male-female relations on the job—not men just as co-workers but as mentors and even sponsors (an important distinction).
But in a world with blurred boundaries and confused messages about sex, we women are wise to examine and control our on-the-job behavior. Down the road, we'll have ourselves—and the nudging of the Holy Spirit—to thank.
Diane Paddison is chief strategy officer of Cassidy Turley real estate, author of Work, Love, Pray: Practical Wisdom for Young Professional Christian Women (Zondervan), and founder of 4wordwomen.org.
Steven Curtis Chapman and wife Mary Beth are sponsoring a special presentation of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella next month in Nashville, as sort of a “give-back” to the community for its support of Show Hope (the Chapmans’ adoption agency) and to celebrate the life of Maria Sue Chapman, their adopted daughter who was killed in an accident in May 2008 at the age of 5.
Just over a year ago, I sat at my parents’ kitchen table, across from a friend I had known for years. We were both in town for a wedding and catching up on life. Me, my friend, and the bride had seen one another through many years of singleness, and now two of the three of us were married. My friend was the odd woman out.
As we sat there drinking coffee, her eyes filled with tears. She is normally one who keeps her emotions close to the chest, so I knew she was really hurting. She didn’t understand why marriage hadn’t happened for her yet. Was there something wrong with her? she wondered.
I knew that there wasn’t. She is an incredible woman who God has used mightily. She was a staple at the church we attended together, rock solid in her faith, the salt of the earth. All I could think to do was affirm her in those realities.
for some reason, fall 2011 was marked by several conversations like that one. Earlier that month, I had wept on the phone with a single friend as she shared her feelings of inadequacy. Several weeks later, I spoke with another friend across the country who also wondered at her singleness and ached to find a godly man.
In each of these conversations, I struggled to find the right words. Part of me wanted to shout, “What’s wrong with men? These ladies are amazing! They should be fighting guys off with a bat.” But the situation is more complicated than that. For one, women in the American church outnumber men. In 2009, sociologist Mark Regnerus reported in CT that there are 3 single women for every 2 single men. Simply put, there aren’t enough Christian men to go around.
Add to that the elements of romantic chemistry, life circumstances, and God’s providence—all factors that are simply out of one woman’s control. It’s not her fault, and there’s nothing wrong with her. Nevertheless, most longtime single women are tempted to pause and wonder, Is it me?
Don’t get me wrong. There are certainly single women out there who have difficult personalities. But, there are married women with equally challenging personalities who still managed to find a mate. Having a strong personality or being independent or failing to look like a supermodel are not deterrents to finding a spouse.
Dating is not simple. There is no tried and true formula. Which is why I become frustrated whenever I come across articles, blog posts and books purporting to tell women why they are still single, and how they should act to snag a man. Author Suzanne Venker recently made a splash over at Fox News with her article “The War on Men.” In it she squarely blamed women for men’s reticence to marry, writing,
“In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. Now the men have nowhere to go.”
Really? Because I would describe none of my single friends that way. Many of my single friends are the most gentle and wise women I know. Having allowed their singleness to sanctify them, they are founts of truth and love, not angry and defensive man haters.
Similar to Venker’s piece, I came across an excerpt from Rachel Greenwald’s book Have Him at Hello, featuring the list “10 Reasons He’s Not Calling You.” The list includes items like “You bored him to tears,” “You over-shared,” and “He’d rather hire you than date you” because you were too independent and not feminine.
Although the book was recommended by one Christian blogger, this list is essentially a Cosmo article, not wise counsel. I don’t doubt that men have turned down women for the reasons this list describes, but some of the reasons are incredibly subjective. Too boring? He may have preferred to talk about his career field or hobbies instead of her interests, but different interests does not a boring person make.
What this list communicates implicitly, and what Venker’s article communicates explicitly, is that women are single because there is something wrong with them. Not only does this message shame members of the church who are already vulnerable, it depicts a world in which, like the prosperity gospel, good people are rewarded and bad people are punished. Feminine, passive women are blessed with husbands, while independent women are not.
In the same way that the prosperity gospel falls apart as soon as you look at the world around you, the same is true of this teaching. Some married women are extremely difficult, and some single women are lovely pillars of the church. Marital status does not reflect the loveliness of one’s personality—or God’s special favor. The world is more complicated, marriages are more diverse, and God’s ways are more mysterious than that.
I am all for giving counsel on dating. Singleness is hard and the church should partner with its single members in living faithfully. What’s more, women are sinful, they do make mistakes, and sometimes relationships fail for that reason. Women are not blameless. But, our counsel should reflect the nuances of our doctrine. Christian orthodoxy teaches that both genders are equally sinful, equally in need of redemption, and that God works his good ways amidst it all.
In light of this theology, checklists and broad generalizations are too simple to be helpful. On behalf of my sisters who persevere through singleness in a manner that surely delights their Father, let’s affirm their faithfulness, and let’s offer them something better than to-do lists.
Chapman, who talked with CT about how the family is coping with Maria’s death, is producing the May 14 show at Nashville’s Schermerhorn Symphony Center, which will feature music by the Nashville Symphony. The cast will feature BeBe Winans as the King, Jodi Benson (the voice of Ariel from Disney’s The Little Mermaid) as the Queen, Heather Headley as the Fairy Godmother, and Alli Mauzey as Cinderella.
Tickets range from $30 to $130, and can be purchased here.
