Reggie was fairly new to First Church and his request was not unusual. His mother, 87-year-old Maggie, had died after suffering several years with Alzheimer's. Reggie asked Pastor Drake Jackson if he would hold a brief funeral service for Maggie prior to her ashes being scattered.
"It will be a small gathering," he said. "Mom didn't have many friends left, and my two sisters didn't think we should do anything. Mom was never a churchgoer, and we were never close as a family. But the Bible says to honor your father and mother, so I want to do something. I think Mom was a believer—I heard her talk about the Serenity Prayer. She was pretty confused at the end.
"The service doesn't need to be long—but I'd like something appropriate said, and I've appreciated the way you talk at church about God and a relationship with Jesus. I want my family to hear what you have to say. And Mom's funeral will be one of the few times we will ever be together."
Reggie had become a Christian two years before through the men's ministry at First Church, so Pastor Jackson wanted to support him during this time and to minister to the family. He agreed to a small service three days later at the church. But he didn't realize the family dynamics.
When Drake contacted Reggie's sisters, Darryl and Orla, to get some information for the service, they were less than enthusiastic. When he asked what they wanted in the service, they both were clear. "As little as possible," Darryl said. "She wasn't much of a mother. She divorced our dad and left us when we were kids. She loved her alcohol more than her family. When she left us, I pretty much wrote her off. I'll show up, just to please Reggie, but don't ask me to say anything. I've got nothing good to say."
Orla added: "The only time Mom went to church was for weddings and funerals. She had no use for religion. I told Reggie that we shouldn't have her funeral in a church. Mom would've hated that. The church is important to Reggie now, and Reggie was always trying to be nice to Mom. But Mom never did anything nice to Reggie, or anyone else."
That was all Drake could get out of the family about their mother.
Drake calls you to ask for advice on what to do during the service. "I'd like to do three things," he tells you. "I'd like to (1) help Reggie honor his mother somehow, even though there aren't many honorable episodes to highlight, (2) comfort the family with words that are true, or at least that aren't false, and (3) present—and live—the gospel of Christ in this situation. But I'm not sure how to do that."
What do you encourage Drake to say and do at Maggie's funeral?
Chris Martinez
Generation Church, Oceanside, California
Hearing this family's struggle to handle their mom's death shows the brokenness happening in their lives. A family broken by divorce, abandonment, neglect, anger, and pain will typically look at the cause of the pain and not the solution for it. The key in this situation is to "look through the lens of brokenness."
At the end of Maggie's life, because of her Alzheimer's, she didn't remember anyone that she hurt, didn't remember the pain she caused, didn't remember the three children she gave birth to and who are now living because of her. At the end of her life, her mind was wiped clean. But we can honor her as the source of life for her children.
Over the past couple of years, Reggie has been on a journey that has brought him peace with God. It's important to note that the peace that has come to Reggie is the peace that created the desire to honor his mother today. This peace has created the desire to bring the family together. This peace has allowed Reggie to have an open heart and to invite everyone to the funeral.
The peace that Reggie wants everyone to know about comes from Jesus. It would be important to share why Reggie came to the church and how he came to know Jesus. It would be key to share how important life was to Jesus. Jesus wept at the loss of life of his friend Lazarus and how all of Heaven celebrates when a single life that was lost is subsequently found.
A person can be lost in life, lost in pain, lost in anger, or just plain lost. Jesus desires that none of us live our lives with that feeling of being of lost. The solution is to turn to him. By turning to Jesus, we find the peace we long for!
Patrick M. Nyaga
Gospel Celebration Church Nairobi, Kenya
I would tell Pastor Jackson to make it clear to the congregation that although he is there to preside at Maggie's funeral service, he may not have much to say about her because he did not know her. He should state that her son Reggie is his church member and through him he has also met his sisters, Darryl and Orla.
Pastor Jackson should also thank Reggie for choosing to give his mother a good sendoff and thank Darryl and Orla for standing together with Reggie in this matter. The Bible says, "Children honor your father and mother … so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth" (Eph. 6:1-3). The Scripture does not say that only good parents are to be honored. No, as long as one is your mother or father, they deserve honor. By doing this, sons and daughters are not only honoring a parent but also crediting to their own account the promise of a good and long life.
The Scriptures do not say that only good parents are to be honored. No, as long as one is your mother or father, they deserve honor.
We honor Maggie for giving birth to Reggie, Darryl, and Orla. She gave them a chance to live. She did not abort or kill them. Because of her, today someone has a friend, or a husband or a wife, because of Maggie's offspring. For giving life to these children, Maggie should be honored.
I would tell Pastor Jackson not to talk much about Maggie because he did not personally know her and also because of the different perspectives her children have toward her. Rather, he should concentrate more on Reggie, a member of the church, and the message of Jesus that Reggie wanted to be emphasized. I would avoid any speculation about whether Maggie was a believer or not. The truth is that Jesus is willing to forgive us even at the last minute and in the absence of a witness. The story of the thief on the cross who Jesus forgave is a clear example, and we do not know whether or not this was the case with Maggie, especially with her mind affected by Alzheimer's.
I would urge Pastor Jackson to talk about God's desire for unity (Psalm 133:1). This means unity between human beings and God, and to fight anything that could work against their unity as a family. Bitterness, unforgiveness, or past injustices must never be allowed to taint their own eulogies. Their mother's is already written.
At the end of the service I would lead people to forgive each other and to bury any bitterness, trusting God to work in the lives of Darryl and Orla and others like them who would be there in similar situations.
Gary Gulbranson
Westminster Chapel, Bellevue, Washington
At the foundation level, the one thing that all three of Maggie's children share in this circumstance is a need for closure. Pastor Jackson has a unique opportunity to help this family find healing for some deep relational wounds. He can do that by validating the pain of losing their mother long before her physical death.
Letting these children, especially the daughters, know that the pastor understands their pain will assure them that whatever happens in a service will not diminish or disguise the reality of their relationship with their mother.
I would encourage Pastor Jackson to meet with all three children together prior to planning the service. It is important in this meeting to not only hear what they have to say about their mother but to model the presence of Jesus for them.
One of my colleagues told me recently what she learned from one of her counseling professors. The prof had asked, "Will you take the time to live incarnationally with people, willing to drop the power (role) you 'should' have in order to see the situation from their perspective and then offer the gospel to them."
This step in the grieving process—seeing from their perspective—not only allows some good memories to surface along with the bad, but also allows Pastor Jackson to be "meaningfully transparent" about some of his own grieving experiences. He can plant "seeds" of the gospel by telling them how God worked in healing some of his own hurts.
This time of open conversation provides an honest foundation for Maggie's memorial service.
I would encourage Pastor Jackson to address the theme, "What works when life doesn't?"
He could answer the question in three ways. First, people work. Not every relationship fails. He can validate the importance of the relationship the siblings still share. Second, God works. God has a plan for each of us. This is the opportunity to share the gospel. He does not need to speak falsely about Maggie's relationship with God. The presentation of the gospel is for those who are in the service. Third, life works. Life offers us choices. Maggie's death has created the opportunity for her children to evaluate their lives and to make "course adjustments."
I would also encourage Pastor Jackson not to let this service be a "one off" but to let it be the beginning of a redemptive relationship with this family, leading them to a full awareness of God's love for them.
Copyright © 2015 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
