The Ashley Madison leak has exposed the private lives of thousands of customers, including some prominent leaders. Sadly, the church is not immune to sexual immorality and has seen, in the past year, some leaders step down due to unfaithfulness.
To help us think through the sexual temptations leaders face, we talked to Michael Todd Wilson, author of the forthcoming book, Unburdened, the Christian Leader’s Path to Sexual Integrity (IVP). Michael is a licensed professional counselor and board-certified coach with Intentional Hearts.
Every year brings news of another sexual scandal involving church leaders. What is it about ministry that can be fertile soil for this kind of sin?
Some of the problem is inherent to us men in general: lack of emotional awareness, self-sufficiency, pride, a tendency towards isolation. But as leaders, there are additional factors. Three mentalities in particular set leaders up to fall.
"The buck stops here." This is a problem for anyone at the top of an organization chart. Many people have heard the saying, "leaders are like eagles. They don't flock, you find them one at a time." While this speaks to the unique traits that make leaders high achievers, it also speaks to the inherent lack of accountability and oversight they often have. It makes leaders ripe for indiscretion, poor moral judgment, and secret sin.
"King of the hill." Those we lead sometimes see us as better than we really are. Instead of interacting with us as men with feet of clay, they degenerate into a sort of subconscious leader worship. On our side, we sometimes have unfinished business from our childhood and secretly crave such attention. If we're not careful, ministry can become a pursuit about repairing feelings of insignificance and lack of affirmation. In a real sense, we want to be king as much as they want us to be, and this is a dangerous combination for ministry leaders.
"The paparazzi." This is the problem of being celebrated. Celebrities are well known by everyone but known well by no one. Often it’s the same with pastors. Additionally, we’re tempted to buy into other people’s inflated views of us. When our position and influence is no longer used unselfishly for God's kingdom, we’re in trouble.
All these factors can contribute to moral failure. If you’re not aware of these things, and not taking steps to combat them, you may be the next one in the media spotlight.
Many of us wear what I call "the pastor mask," to project a persona that's better than we really are.
Many pastors feel like they can’t admit to struggling with sexual sin. Does that play a role?
Many of us wear what I call "the pastor mask," to project a persona that's better than we really are. Even if others believe it, we know better. The difference between our true self and this projected self is an emotional weight we bear all alone.
This isn't to say that we should air our most intimate struggles from the pulpit. We don’t have to share them with everyone, but we do have to share them with someone. Christian leaders need community as much anyone else does. While this is more challenging for leaders than the average Christian, leaders don't get a free pass on the need for authentic community. Cultivating supportive relationships is key to thriving in ministry. It's not rocket science, but it does require taking a good bit of relational risk. That's the biggest challenge for most of us.
What are some best practices for Christian leaders in guarding against sexual sin?
Well, there are the things everybody seems to talk about: physical boundaries, strict rules governing one-on-one counseling, porn filters or accountability software, having a plan for solo business travel. These are more direct safeguards to sexual integrity, and certainly they're important.
But sometimes the neglect of a leader's soul—especially during stressful seasons—can increase the appeal of pornography and affairs. It’s important to be aware of your emotional state. Often we’re slow to acknowledge emotions such as boredom, fear, and loneliness. We feel "bad," but that's about as far as it goes. Such feeling states become dangerous triggers for sin when we're unaware of them.
When aware of such feelings, however, we're empowered to reach out to solutions consistent with our values. For instance, we can reduce boredom by engaging in meaningful goal-setting or engaging in a pleasurable hobby; address loneliness by calling a friend for a round of golf or coffee; confront fear by improving a skill set or surrendering a circumstances to the Lord through prayer. Sometimes men reach out to Internet pornography or affairs, not recognizing they're looking for resolution of these feeling states.
If you could speak to a pastor or Christian leader who is now wrestling, unsuccessfully, with sexual sin, what would you say?
If I had to guess, 95 out of 100 of them are trying to fight it in isolation. Remember, Satan seeks to devour like a lion. That means he's looking for the isolated ones, the ones not running with the rest of the pack because they're easier to pick off. And our enemy is patient. He's willing to wait for the right opportunity. And when that happens, it will hit us without warning.
Telling another person is going to require risk. There's no way around that. Just keep in mind that the risk of discovery (being found out) is greater without accountability. Eventually you’ll be found out. It’s much wiser to take a calculated risk now and share your struggle with one or two people you deem trustworthy. It could be your first step toward freedom.
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