After writing a book, Leading from the Second Chair, I got an email: "I'm a second-chair leader and I have felt lost, frustrated, and alone out here in this role." Another said, "I wept throughout the entire book. Someone finally put words to my role in the Body of Christ … I wasn't crazy after all."
Why do second-chair leaders often feel "lost, frustrated, and alone"? It's a pivotal question for executive pastors, associates, and others in second-chair roles. It's the question that often determines the difference between grace-filled and joyful leadership rather than leadership characterized by labored frustration.
One of the biggest obstacles to thriving in the second-chair role is loneliness. You may be surrounded by people yet feel that you have no one to turn to. You have few true peers.
Scanning the horizon, you see many lead pastors and a host of ministry specialists. Others may be in second-chair roles but make it clear that they're just passing through on the way to the first chair. Few readily identify themselves as second-chair leaders.
Second chairs often find that their role is misunderstood. "What exactly do you do?" Sometimes the second chair's role is so much behind the scenes that they feel invisible even to the leaders within their own church or ministry.
When a second chair seeks a listening ear and wise counsel, it doesn't always go well.
Terry, an executive pastor, had been looking forward to the annual denominational gathering. Not that he enjoyed the boring reports in the formal program. His excitement stemmed from the opportunity to spend time with Craig. The two had been close friends in seminary and were always able to pick up right where they left off. Like Terry, Craig was serving in a large suburban church. But unlike Terry, Craig's primary role was to lead the church's mission outreach, which included multiple local and international partnerships.
Over dinner, Terry began telling about the tension that had developed between him and his senior pastor. "It's hard to put a finger on it," he said. "He never tells me that he's unhappy. But I had almost no input in the decision about the new Sunday schedule. And he has been spending a lot of time one-on-one with the youth ministry team, trying to get their program turned around, even though they report to me."
Stuffing such emotions may be the most dangerous response. They will surface unbidden eventually.
Craig responded with his own struggles with a demanding senior pastor. "I understand," he said. "Even though we've added three new partnerships this year, I feel like I'm never meeting the senior pastor's expectations. I've realized that the best thing to do is just to put my head down and work hard, and not involve him in my ministry any more than necessary."
Terry walked back to his hotel room that night feeling more alone than before. Even his good friend and ministry colleague didn't get it. In Terry's role, it really wasn't an option to just put his head down and work hard. His ability to be effective was completely dependent on his relationship with his senior pastor and the authority that was extended through that relationship.
Dangerous Disclosure
Terry's story reflects another reality for second-chair leaders. In many cases, they can't talk about their struggles with anyone inside their church:
• The senior pastor is often the source of, or a contributor to, the struggles.
• A fellow staff member may have great insights, but may not be a peer. Disclosure to those that you supervise is rarely appropriate.
• Lay people can easily be drawn into taking sides or may not understand the complexities of the issue.
How do you know if it is appropriate to talk with someone inside your church or ministry? Ask yourself: Would an unbiased, third person listening to your discussion label it as insubordinate or divisive? If your senior pastor overheard this conversation, how would he react? If you don't like what you imagine, don't even start the conversation with an insider.
In other cases, a conversation with an insider can take an unanticipated turn. You may simply want to inform the finance chair about the deficit, and she starts asking hard questions about the senior pastor's decisions. That's where another guideline comes in: Don't get caught in triangulation. Encourage the other person to have a direct conversation with your senior pastor, not to use you as an intermediary. Then give your pastor a "heads up" about the concern and how you responded.
Unfortunately, this leaves many second chair leaders in a difficult place. When the stress mounts, they may vent their concerns to another fellow staff member or an unprepared lay leader. Or, worse, they may bury it, deciding that they can't talk to anyone. Stuffing the emotions may be the most dangerous response of all because these feelings will eventually resurface, often at the most inopportune time. Whether it's a slow implosion or a sudden explosion, the stress will find a way out.
The Best Solution
The best solution is to find true peers in ministry and draw near to them. They are the ones who can relate to and understand the unique challenges and pressures of your role. Unlike Craig in the earlier story, they know that a healthy relationship with the senior pastor is needed and that you can't "just put your head down and work." They understand the inner turmoil that you experience as you try to decide how to deal with a complicated personnel issue. They've felt completely overwhelmed by "urgent" priorities. And they've experienced loneliness as well.
When you are truly known by people who understand you and your role, they can offer a safe place for you to share your deepest difficulties and anxieties. They can give encouragement and wise counsel on how you might mend a strained relationship with your first chair or how to address some other challenge. They may lovingly help you see places where you've been in the wrong or where you need to change.
In moments where you don't need advice, they can listen well, helping you sort through the myriad feelings you have. They can point toward God and pray for you.
Sonya was able to meet with a group of other executive pastors. This was their sixth meeting, and they had grown close. Sonya shared her challenges with her senior pastor, Nick, and his penchant for jumping into the middle of things and making changes after ministry plans were far down the road. Sonya kept finding herself in the middle, trying to be a loyal executive pastor but also protecting her staff from Nick's unbridled spontaneity. When Sonya had tried talking with Nick about it, he told Sonya to "quit being a wet blanket every time I have a good idea."
Sonya's peers were able to offer counsel on alternatives for dealing with this situation. But more importantly, they listened and prayed for Sonya, and gave her the encouragement that she needed to not give up.
Getting to this point isn't quick or easy. Not only do you have to invest consistently in building these relationships, you also have to be willing to take some risks and let your guard down.
This is a far cry from the typical drill when ministry leaders gather. Everyone follows an invisible script in which they talk about all the good things that have been happening in their church or ministry. The numbers are up or have just turned a corner. The staff is great. The anecdotal stories of changed lives abound. And those who are struggling play the game outwardly, while inwardly thinking that no one in this conversation can relate to their issues.
In reality, many of the people in that conversation can relate. But someone has to go first. Someone has to be willing to say, "Things aren't going that well. We launched a major initiative to reverse our downward trend, and it failed. The only result was more conflict." Or "I think that we need to get two people off the bus, but I can't convince my first chair to act, and it's causing a lot of tension between us."
You don't need to blurt this out in a large group, but you can work to identify one or two people. Tell them that you'd enjoy getting to know them better and learning how they're doing their jobs. Over coffee, begin to talk about the joys and struggles of ministry. See if this might lead to a deeper, ongoing relationship.
You may be thinking, Where do I find these people? In my denomination or town, I'm not sure that anyone else does what I do. Strictly speaking, you may be correct. You will probably need to draw the circle bigger. The issues that second chair leaders face are widely shared. They cut across denominational and theological lines. There is even great similarity between those who are in local churches and the second chairs in other kinds of ministry settings. When you find someone who is truly a peer in ministry and willing to be honest about their highs and lows, you may have found a person to draw near to.
As you consider where you might turn to develop these relationships, one other thought may cross your mind: "This sounds like a lot of effort. I can't afford the the time." I don't doubt that your calendar is full and that your list of things to do seems endless. But I don't think you can afford to not invest in life-giving relationships that will overcome loneliness. The cost of living in isolation is just too high.
Mike Bonem is an organizational consultant who spent 10 years on staff at West University Baptist Church in Houston, most recently as executive pastor.
Excerpted from Mike Bonem's upcoming book, Thriving in the Second Chair, to be released in September 2016.
