Parenting advice is never in short supply.
If you’re a parent, you’ve seen all the tips, “life hacks,” and opinions perpetually flowing through social media, well-intentioned friends, and even your church community. You know the internet is full of Christian bloggers’ ideas for spiritual growth while you have a newborn, for organizing your schedule, for fun family devotions, for involving your children in cleaning the house. On Instagram in particular, you may have gotten the impression that family faith formation is predictable, even easy, for those who simply follow a good plan.
But real life doesn’t work that way. Parenting is hard and often unpredictable, and it’s further complicated by stress and our culture’s idolization of productivity and worldly success. Many parents find themselves feeling isolated, tired, and daunted by the prospect of yet another project to complete.
Discipling our children, of course, is not a project to check off our lists. But too often, the American church presents family discipleship as a matter of success, programs, and achievements. We should be introducing our particular children to a life deeply formed around the image of Christ, but instead we tend to land on one-size-fits-all programs, spiritual busywork that leads us toward works-based perfectionism or parental burnout and guilt.
However good our intentions, this is not how a child’s faith flourishes—nor is it good for parents, whose well-being is always tied to whether our children are flourishing. How can the church better support families who want to be faithful but feel stretched thin?
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The first step is to be more realistic about faith formation in the home. Overwhelmed by the demands of day-to-day life, parents often rely on their local congregations to disciple children and may ask for a program to help accomplish this task.
Unfortunately, the kind of activities churches tend to suggest—family devotions and other activities—are frequently rote and superficial. They don’t settle deep within the person or encourage authentic relationships and genuine transformation. They don’t delve into the real and sometimes tough questions that parents and children might be wrestling with in this broken world. Unsurprisingly, then, when family life gets too hectic, these programs are some of the first commitments to be cut.
The solution is not more programs or special tips. What we need is faith enacted in our daily lives. We are formed through everyday habits and experiences. “Faith is learned as it is woven seamlessly into the fabric of daily life,” as Traci Smith writes in her book Faithful Families. Authentic Christian faith is not a program but a communal journey of being daily formed into the image of Christ.
Our children learn this kind of transformational faith from us, not a workbook. They’re watching us, observing their parents and congregations, asking questions to make meaning of how we live. They want relationships with room for honest dialogue to learn what it means to live as a follower of Jesus. A child’s faith is nurtured in the unnoticed everyday moments of life, like when a mother reminds her son of his identity in Christ, or when a father holds his daughter close for a small and desperate prayer.
There is no guarantee of success as the world understands it in spiritual development. Sometimes we will have the great joy of seeing our children learn to trust in God, but sometimes the parenting journey is wracked with grief and suffering. Rather than handing out more programs, the church should support families in every season by offering practical help, especially in stressful seasons: childcare, meal trains, and listening ears. This kind of care isn’t overtly spiritual, but it lifts weight off parents’ shoulders and leaves them with more wherewithal for discipleship in difficult seasons.
Pastors and other church leaders should also attend carefully to parents’ spiritual formation. By caring for parents’ faith, the church cares for the whole family. The “mouth speaks what the heart is full of,” as Jesus taught us (Luke 6:45), and parents whose faith is growing in depth and maturity won’t need busywork and programming to disciple their children.
We often default to direct teaching when we think about children’s discipleship, imagining that if we have all the correct answers and tell kids exactly what to do, they’ll grow up well. But that isn’t how children learn best. They pay attention to what we say and how we handle conflict. They see where our churches invest time and money. These things are not lost on a child, and they are what teach children what is worth pursuing in life.
We will inevitably have some programs too, of course, but they should be designed to avoid spiritual busywork and foster intergenerational community. Instead of always shuttling kids off to age-segregated classes, let them forge connections with believers of various ages and life stages. Parents should not be their only models for the adult Christian life. And our programs should support weary parents and caregivers, too, with prayer, mentoring, Scripture, fellowship, and pastoral care.
Program-focused approaches to children’s discipleship may seem like the easier and more measurable option—as if we could check a box and call our discipleship work done for the day. But discipling is not a project to be efficiently completed. It is a way of life, and it is in the unprogrammed moments of daily life that churches can help families thrive.
Mimi L. Larson is the executive director for Center for Faith and Children as well as an assistant professor of educational ministries at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. She is the coeditor of Bridging Theory and Practice in Children’s Spirituality: New Directions for Education, Ministry, and Discipleship.
Ahyuwani Akanet is the managing director for Center for Faith and Children.
Lindsey Goetz is the resource director for Center for Faith and Children and author of The Gospel Story Hymnal.
