Talking to unchurched people about spiritual matters is sometimes uncomfortable. Nervous fidgeting, blank stares, and vague replies seem clues to veiled disinterest. Ever wish the unchurched person was as interested in spiritual life as you are?
I’ve discovered that in many ways they are. Almost everyone has definite spiritual ideas; most have had some sort of religious experience. Some feel close to God and are content with their spiritual beliefs; many are willing to talk about their spiritual lives.
But not if you start with dogma.
I’ve learned that if I lead off with doctrine, people retreat in fear and trembling. They entrench themselves for a battle. In the past my tendency has been to continue to storm their fortifications. It’s not surprising I have not helped many that way.
After several such experiences, I decided I did not know much about the spiritual lives of non-churched people. I’ve spent my life in church; I needed to develop some open-ended questions to draw the unchurched out—and to draw me in.
Many of the questions I’ve found helpful come from the context I find myself in with a person. No one set of questions works in all situations. But some I have found helpful are:
What turns you off about religion?
What do you think God is like?
When have you felt closest to God?
What person has been most influential on your beliefs and values?
The next part of the conversation is most difficult for me—listening to the answers. I listen to understand, not to correct. I listen for feelings, reactions, motivations. I want to understand what a person believes and why. Only then can I ask more questions. After I understand where a person is, I can begin to help identify spiritual needs and determine some direction, but not before.
Once I know a bit about a person’s perspective, I can introduce some corresponding information from the Bible, preferably a story about a biblical person: “A man in the Bible felt just like that. . . .” or “Jesus met a guy with that very question.”
This part of the conversation is not hard for me. I spent years in seminary learning how to talk about the Bible.
Neither is this part hard for the unchurched person—but only because I took time to listen to him at the beginning. He is following his own interests into the gospel, and for me, a pastor, that is a genuine pleasure.
— Doug Self
The Church at Redstone
Redstone, Colorado
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