Over the years, Bill Hybels has learned to deal with conflict. As pastor of the influential and innovative Willow Creek Community Church in Illinois, he and his team have discovered the following 10 nonnegotiable principles that guide the way they approach conflict. These are extracted from a full-length interview in Leadership Journal.
Expect conflict. Learn to expect disagreement—forceful disagreement. Unity isn’t the word to use to describe relationships, even in a church. The popular concept of unity is a fantasyland where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. Instead of unity, use the word community, which suggests that there will be significant differences, but the relationships are important enough to withstand the differences.
Pursue reconciliation. The mark of community—true, biblical unity—is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit. I can have differences with someone, even rough-and-tumble arguments, but if we’re committed to community, we can still conclude by slapping each other on the back, saying, “I’m glad we’re still in this together.” We know no one’s bailing out just because of a conflicting position. Community is bigger than that. But developing community does not happen naturally. It must be intentional.
Stay true to Scripture. Never tolerate biblical infidelity, a discounting of the clear teachings of Christ. Leaders should insist on living out of the teachings of Christ. Defend not only the inerrancy and authority of Scripture, but also the indisputable importance of applying biblical teaching to daily life in practical ways.
Adhere to the vision. Expect lay and staff leaders to be on board with the basic vision of the church.
Commit to verbal discipline. In confrontation, too often verbal discipline goes out the window. People make always and never statements. They exaggerate the truth or get careless with facts. Volume levels increase. And then people are left wondering why they’re unsuccessful in finding resolution.
Deal with conflict directly. When a leader’s nose gets bent out of joint—not if but when—that leader has a biblical responsibility to take the high road of conflict resolution. That means going directly to the person with whom the leader is in conflict rather than building a guerrilla team to ambush this person later. By expecting people to fight, and teaching them how, more conflict is created, but most of it stays above ground. Conflict that goes underground poisons the soil and hurts everyone eventually. It’s much better to have conflict within community than a mask of unity.
Have regular “check-ins.” If a leader senses tension with someone, he or she can sit down and say, “I just need to check in with you. Is everything okay between us?” Once a month, leaders might schedule a question-and-answer time with the staff, and in addition, regular talk-back sessions with those who work in the sub-ministries. The more interactive a church community is, the more leaders can preempt serious conflict, because they get people talking before conflict goes underground.
Ignore the small stuff. A man once told me: “When you swim in the ocean, you get attacked by sharks and guppies. Don’t worry about the guppies.” Some of the potshots leaders take from their Christian communities are guppy problems. If someone criticizes me for allowing drums in the church, I’m not going to worry much about it. Someday we’ll reach across the table at the marriage supper of the Lamb and say, “Wasn’t that silly? Those were guppy things.”
Redeem criticism. In my early years of ministry, I rebutted people who wrote to me and said I had offended them or hurt their feelings. After several years of this, I thought, What if I just said, “Thank you for writing me and expressing your hurt. I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you. Please forgive me.” Soon after implementing this approach, I began receiving letters saying, “Thank you for your letter. You don’t know how much that meant to me.” Many people just want to know if their pastor is a safe person. Can he respond to hurt with compassion? Does he care as much about relationships as he does his sermon material? People already know leaders make mistakes. What they want to know is whether or not we have enough integrity to admit them.
Respond with vulnerability. Handling conflict well is essentially an issue of maturity, and leading a church to community, to true biblical unity, begins with its leader. Due to my upbringing, one way I have handled hurt is to clench my teeth and say, “I’m not going to let that get to me.” I’d buck up, power through, put it out of my mind, and keep going. The problem was that each time I did that, my skin became a little tougher, my heart a little harder, my feelings deeper below the level of my awareness. I became another step distanced from the people around me.
With the help of my wife, Christian counselors, and other trusted friends, I’m learning a more constructive way to negotiate conflict. I’m learning to admit to the person involved that what they said or did hurt me, and slowly I’m learning to feel that hurt inside. As I get better at acknowledging the hurt that conflict causes me, I also become more aware of the hurt that conflict causes others. This has led me to approach conflict resolution with a much gentler spirit, both for my sake and for others’ sake.
That kind of vulnerability in relationships does not come naturally to many of us. But I believe it’s a necessary part of obedience to Christ.
Bill Hybels is pastor of Willow Creek Community Church, which meets at several sites around Chicago.
