The number one reason that pastors leave their ministries is “wives issues,” according to a 2007 Time magazine article. I would take some comfort in that statistic – that the number one reason they leave isn’t sexual sin or burnout – but the Bible teaches that neglecting an obligation to care for family is its own form of moral failure. (Here I’m thinking of Ephesians 5, but I don’t think Jesus is far from this in the beginning of Matthew 15, either.)
Up until last July, I doubted the prevalence of stress placed on pastors’ spouses. But when we launched a Survival Guide entitled “Help for the Pastor’s Spouse,” and it became one of our most popular downloads, I had to admit that the stress was more common than I ever expected. For a succinct understanding of why, consider the opening paragraph from that Time article:
HELP WANTED: Pastor’s wife. Must sing, play music, lead youth groups, raise seraphic children, entertain church notables, minister to other wives, have ability to recite Bible backward and choreograph Christmas pageant. Must keep pastor sated, peaceful and out of trouble. Difficult colleagues, demanding customers, erratic hours. Pay: $0.
Yes, it’s a cynical view of the role – or vocation – of a pastor’s spouse. But it rings true for many ministry wives, and it drives many of them to create networks on the internet and beyond.
These networks build themselves around the pain points (and, to a lesser extent, the shared joys) of marriage to a minister. Unless we want our churches to bear the burden of a pastor’s strained marriage – or the wreckage of a broken marriage – it would be wise for leaders to periodically consider the pain points and ask a few questions:
1. What are the expectations (stated and unstated) we place on ministry spouses? Which of these are fair? Which of these are unrealistic ideals?
2. In our Survival Guide, Wendy Zoba tells of how a chairman of an elder board took a pastor and his wife out for a meal and asked the wife, point blank, if the church was doing a good job providing for the pastor’s family. It was a bold move by the elder, but it offered meaningful validation to the pastor’s wife. How does our church validate and give expression to our pastor’s spouse?
3. Do we actively encourage ministry spouses to pursue relationships and activities that will nourish their souls and employ their gifts? How could we do this even more?
For the couples that learn to maneuver the dynamics and expectations of marriage and ministry, many joys and rewards await. Those joys are multiplied for pastors and spouses whose churches enable them to pursue strong marriages. One of the most visible outcomes of a strong marriage between the pastor and his (or her) spouse is the opportunity to lead together. Lauren Winner writes of this saying:
There is something wonderfully seamless about their [pastors and their wives’] lives – their work and their marriage is all of a piece. Husband and wife are profoundly knitted together, and their shared calling offers something of a rebuke to the hyper-individualism that characterizes so many American marriages. Indeed, they may set a nice example for the flock.
Let us build up those who lead us, including the oft-overlooked leaders in our churches: the pastor’s spouse.
To go further:
? The Global Pastor’s Wives Network offers a thought-provoking audio clip called “What Every Beginning Pastor’s Wife Needs to Know.”
? The full-text article by Lauren Winner can be found here.
? A recent article posted on BuildingChurchLeaders.com addressed how one pastor’s family survived the pressures of ministry life.
? Again, the Time magazine article and blog referenced above, as well as our Survival Guide “Help for the Pastor’s Spouse.”
