Together time: The newspapers recently reported a university study which finds that families that eat dinner together on an average of four times a week are much more likely to produce children with extraordinary self-confidence and social maturity. I wonder how much this study cost.
One day years ago, when our son and daughter were in their single digit years, Gail (my wife) summoned us to the kitchen. “I have a proclamation,” she said in a determined voice. “I’m alarmed at the way we head in four different directions each day. The church, the schools, the community, and the neighborhood all have big plans for our lives. Because they make their plans before we make ours, theirs tend to win. We’re going to lose touch with each other before we know it.”
There was truth to this. Every day and weekend, it seemed, one or both kids were involved in church programs, school activities, or neighborhood functions. All very good stuff, please understand: most of it originated and overseen by well-meaning people who never seemed to wonder about family-impact when they launched one more function.
Oh, this too: I must admit that I was becoming increasingly more involved in a swiftly growing church ministry which caused me to call home more than I should to say I would have to miss dinner (Jesus’ work, you see). It was Gail who smelled the unintended consequences that were headed our way if we didn’t meet this challenge of “the good vs. the best” in our calendars.
Her solution? “I’ve decided that we’re going to have a sit-down dinner at least four times each week,” Gail said. “I don’t care what time we eat, but we’re going to do it together. And we’re not just going to eat. We’re going to talk; so no rushing from the table the minute you’re finished. Get used to it!”
No one protested.
Each week we four studied our various schedules and came up with appropriate times to meet at the table. And Gail accommodated us with dinners that fit our plans. And it worked. The discipline became a habit, and the habit reshaped our family character.
I can hear someone snort, “Any stay-home Mom can make that happen.” Truth is that while Gail was not generating income, she was a 50-hour per week (plus) counselor, teacher, writer, soccer- and homeroom-mother, and husband-supporter. After all of that, she could be found at home. The issue had little to do with time; it had everything to do with priorities and a long-range view of what it takes to maintain a healthy family and reap the long term blessing.
We (I, in particular) blew a lot of things when our family was young. But we did this one right. And now—think of it!—the universities have an actual study suggesting that it might be a good idea for families to eat together more often. Why am I not astonished?
The kitchen proclamation happened about 30 years ago. Today (thanks to two weddings and five grandchildren) we four have grown to eleven. We three families live within 25 minutes of each other, and we still gather rather frequently about the table to eat and talk. But we all look back to those early dinners—Gail’s non-negotiable priority—as the key to our continuing closeness. We recall evenings when we laughed uncontrollably, when we engaged in serious discussions about God, how babies are made, and ways to handle crabby teachers, and when we read the Bible and other great literature to each other. And when we engage in these recollections, we reaffirm our gratitude to Gail for her kitchen proclamation which saved us from drowning in too many good things out there.
So this weekend when I read the results of the expensive report from the experts at the university I muttered to myself, “I sure could have saved you a lot of money and effort if that’s what you needed to know.”
From my bookshelf: I’m not into novels as a rule, but I’ve been blown out of the water by the fictional writing of Francine Rivers, in particular And the Shofar Blew and Redeeming Love (both published by Tyndale). Better be prepared for an all-nighter if you dare to pick up either of them. Preachers and so-called Christian leaders need both of these books.
Said softly but with a flourish: “I should like to stress that acts that occur within the inner life of man, a thought, a moment of sensitivity, a moment of stillness and self-examination, the acquisition of a spiritual insight, this is supremely practical” (Abraham Joshua Heschel).
A benediction I wrote for the people to whom I preach: “Go forth into the streets of this world. Go with the memory of an hour when you have refreshed your souls in the presence of God and his people. Go with the intention to be faithful to Jesus by carrying his love to your family, your friends, and all others in need whom you meet along the way. Go with courage, with a resolve not to sin, and—finally—go with the exciting reminder that at any moment Jesus may come again. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I say to you…farewell.”
Pastor and author Gordon McDonald is also chair of World Relief and editor at large of Leadership.
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