I was desperate. I needed to find a good, local Christian counselor for a family member. Gary, who I had met while playing basketball, pastored a nearby church. The counselor he recommended not only helped our family in this short-term crisis, she became a trusted source for others in my church.
A personal network of friendships outside of the walls of your church is something every pastor needs. But no one will force you to develop one.
Friends On Purpose
How do you go about building a network of ministry friends? For some, like myself, this seems less like work and more like a wonderful perk of the ministry. I naturally enjoy meeting people. But for others who are more naturally reserved, building friendships can be a challenge.
Regardless of personality type, building relationships must be intentional. It requires you to actually meet the pastors and church leaders in your town and to see them as colleagues in Christ rather than competition. This might mean doing a little research by visiting church websites or attending community functions. It means getting contact information and then following up.
I found that, as a young pastor in town, it was best for me to be flexible and work with the schedule of the pastors I wanted to meet. But I was amazed at how many well-known and busy leaders were willing to spend time to invest in me. Most leaders are eager to build new ministry relationships. For many, early mornings or lunches are best. You need to be willing to first go to their office to get acquainted.
It's also important to state your purpose. My request typically went something like this: "I'm a new pastor in town. I'd love to pick your brain and see what kinds of ministry have been effective here in this community." This appeals to a pastor's natural desire to share from his experience and talk about future ministry ideas.
Be proactive. Put dates on the calendar. Push yourself to meet people you don't already know.
For Your Own Spiritual Health
One pastor was instrumental in helping me craft the vision for our church. I was surprised he was so free with his advice, considering our church was just down the street. In other contexts, I had seen competition among pastors and a resistance to friendship or cooperation. But in this pastorate, I was struck by the openness of the spiritual leaders in the community. They looked on me as someone who joined their fraternity, a young leader to be mentored and loved. As I talk to pastors around the country, thankfully, this spirit seems to be the most common.
Such friendships are vital to your own spiritual health. In ministry you'll endure times of doubt, frustration, failure, and fear. It's easy to develop an attitude like Elijah's in 1 Kings 19, where all you see is the enemy instead of the 5,000 fellow laborers. Regular, agenda-free time with a peer is a gift of grace God uses to sustain you. When times got really difficult, it was these friends who buoyed my spirits and kept me in the game. An isolated ministry is not a healthy ministry.
I cherished the times I was able to listen to pastors a few years ahead of me in tenure. I'd pepper them with questions about work/life balance, difficult situations, and healthy spiritual rhythms. I'd ask about difficult seasons in life and about practical things, such as financial management and vacation time, study habits, and continued education.
One of my goals was to query veteran leaders about the structure of their week. When do you study? When do you take a day off? What does your sermon prep look like? I'd ask about books they were reading, how they dealt with the various seasons of their kids' lives, and specific questions about church polity.
For The Health Of The Church
A network is also vital for the church's health. Seeing pastors across a wide spectrum in our community gave me a sense of what God was doing in our geographic region. Friendships and partnerships helped me avoid ministry myopia. I could see our church as part of a larger gospel work God was doing. Opportunities arose to partner with other churches in mercy ministries and community care. I learned valuable insights about the demographics and needs of the neighborhoods.
This is why I prioritized getting together with other church leaders. They made me a better preacher, better shepherd, better husband, and better father.
I kept a working list of pastors in town and checked off that list as I made acquaintances. Of course, you can't be best friends with every leader; you will be drawn to some more than others. But it's important to have at least a working relationship with most of the key leaders in your community. This has long-term benefits for the health of the entire church.
For Gospel Proclamation
"There are 700,000 people in this county, and most of them are on their way to a Christless eternity. That should bother us. That's why we need more churches, not less."
This blunt assessment was given to me, over lunch, by a fellow pastor. He renewed in me a passion for evangelism and helped me strategize ways our churches could together advance the gospel.
We may not be able to work together fully in every case. Denominational distinctives, while not primary, are important. As a Southern Baptist, there are areas where I can partner with other denominations for gospel advance and there are areas of ecclesiology or theology where we can't.
Still, we can involve our churches in initiatives that don't violate denominational distinctives and embody a robust understanding of the gospel. This provides a more effective witness in the community and shows church members that they are not God's only game in town. They are members of a worldwide body of Christ. It helps them ask, What is God doing in the world and how can I be obedient to it? Those we pastor need to see their community and the world as the theater in which God is calling his people to spread his name.
Yes, for some pastors, making friends is hard and taxing work that falls outside of their natural ability. For others, like myself, it is life-giving. Regardless of personality and gifting, whoever you are and wherever you are, make ministry friendships.
Daniel Darling is pastor of teaching and discipleship at Green Hill Church in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee, and vice president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention..
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