I like to say that the goal for my children is heaven, not Harvard (which is a great thing, since none of my dear kids seems destined for the latter!). Of course, if they go through Harvard on their way to heaven, that’s wonderful. Yet if they get to Harvard—at the expense of heaven—boy, have I failed them.
When I speak of heaven, I’m not just talking about a “ticket” to everlasting life. Rather, I’m referring to my desire for the grace, power, love, and forgiveness of Christ to break into my children’s hearts here and now, making them fit for God’s purposes today.
Ask any Christian parent, and he or she will probably say the goal for their kids is the same—heaven. The question then becomes, which I also must ask myself, how are we actually living? Would an outsider who doesn’t know anything about us look in on our lives and say, “Yep, that family’s mission in life is heaven”—or would he say “Harvard”?
Let’s be clear—there are a whole lot of times I wouldn’t want an outsider looking in on my family of one mom and four kids: ages 12, 10, 7, and 5. It’s not always pretty!
It’s in those times I have to remember that, even with all my faults and shortcomings, God designed me as he designs every Christian parent—to be the one most responsible for discipling my children in Christ. There are exceptions, but overall, no one is more intimate in the lives of children than a parent. No one loves them more, is more devoted to their well-being, or would more readily lay down their lives for them in an instant. Sound familiar? This is true about our Heavenly Father’s love for us! And it’s our call to model that love for our kids.
Sure, we are imperfect sinners. So what? The responsibility Christian parents have is not optional. Whoever we are—whether our children have made a credible profession of faith or not—we occupy an office in the lives of our kids, and our job description is to disciple them. What we do in this regard will typically influence our kids more than any other adult on the planet. That is by God’s design. It’s no accident that, as Christian pollster George Barna found, most people who begin a relationship with Christ do so by the age of 13.
But based on my own struggles, I’m guessing that today’s Christian parents fall into a couple of different, even overlapping, camps.
The first is the nominal Christian, who really isn’t sold out to Christ. If soccer practice interferes with church on Sunday morning, it’s a pretty tough call. Or not. Soccer wins. Maybe all of us live this way at some point, or many points.
When parents walk closely with Christ, the life change will far more likely just bust out into families. When we don’t take that walk, we’ll actually look for ways to avoid bringing up our children “in the fear and admonition of the Lord.”
Maybe that’s why more and more children’s ministries, and churches themselves, seem to recognize that the best thing they can do for kids is to encourage and exhort parents to a stronger walk with Christ.
But still, there are a lot of moms and dads who do love Christ, and are sold out to him and his glory. But they’re not sure how to most effectively communicate that to their kids. Here’s what I often observe: We parents can get pretty intimidated! We see these amazing, fun, informative church programs—and they are wonderful. But we may wrongly think, “I can’t do that. I can’t compete with that. Best to let the church experts handle it.”
After all, our culture tells parents to “let the experts handle it.” There are companies that will literally teach our children how to ride a bike, or even use the potty. We are expert obsessed.
This is where the church can come alongside parents and remind them that they’re not supposed to compete with church programs. When it comes to discipling kids, it doesn’t take an expert—it takes a parent.
It’s often been said that when it comes to the Christian life, what we win our kids with is what we win them to. Fun and attractive church programs are great. I’m glad my children have those things, because the Christian life can be joyful and adventurous and those programs are a taste of heaven itself.
But Scripture is clear that the Christian life is often filled with trials, adversity, and suffering. Yet even through those times our sovereign God works to our good. In any event, it’s easy to live the Christian life when things are going well. So what about when they’re not? Our children need to see us, their parents, living both the ups and the downs of the Christian life; modeling it for them in all its richness and difficulty.
Translation? I believe my children will more likely be drawn to Christ by watching me seek to walk with the Lord in integrity, in the midst of their dad choosing to leave our family a few years ago, than by the best youth group meeting they’ll ever attend.
Notice I said as I “seek” to walk. The path has been imperfect and full of stumbles. We Christian parents don’t have to show our kids all our struggles, but I’m convinced that if, on an on-going basis, we don’t show our kids a Christian life and walk that is real, they are less likely to be able to live and walk a real Christian life!
Now, that’s something even wonderful ministry workers can’t typically do. They don’t have the time with our kids or intimacy with them it requires. Nor should we place an expectation on them to try. It’s just not their job. We parents can and must model a real Christian life to our kids on an ongoing basis—and children’s ministries can help parents by helping us to better embrace our job.
Ah, then there’s “perseverance.” How tempting is it, when we struggle with our kids on day-to-day behavior problems, to give up? Maybe this option appears attractive when our kids aren’t respecting us or obeying us. There comes a time in the life of almost any parent when we want to say, “I just can’t do anything more here.” That’s when I remind myself that Scripture tells us, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” It doesn’t say, ” … and he’ll start doing the laundry without bickering today!”
We can’t always see now how the lessons in which we train them will have an impact. But just like water on a rock will leave an impression over time, we possess hope that God will use a parent’s training of his kids’ hearts to prepare them for his ministry to them. Here, too, the church has a wonderful role to play in supporting parents by exhorting them to be the parents their kids need them to be, even when it comes to developing day-to-day habits of behavior—and the heart.
In my talk at the Willow Creek Children’s Ministry Conference, I’m eager to more fully unpack these themes. As a single parent, I’m looking forward to the chance to talk from my own experience about how the church might more effectively minister to single-parent families. I’ll share what a delight it is to me when the church gives my children and me opportunities to worship together.
I’ll especially delve into the seven habits of the home and the heart that can help prepare our kids for God’s work in their lives, including helping our kids to learn to submit to authority; even as they watch us submit to our Heavenly Father’s authority. To handle adversity; even when it’s just the adversity of hearing and respecting the word “no.” And what about being advocates for them in prayer?
I’ll even volunteer—sheepishly—a few critiques of those great children’s education programs, based on my own experience as a mom (hint: when I see my four kids coming at me after class with all those take home papers and outlines for what I should be doing with them in the week ahead I get stressed).
I’m especially glad I’ll have a chance to share practical applications and terrific materials I use in my home—as I seek to have God use me to win my kids for heaven.
The church has a wonderful mission in encouraging even the littlest ones to “come unto” Christ. Of course, ultimately it’s up to God and his sovereign purposes to make that happen. But when it comes to the this-wordly purposes he’s designed for seeking little children for himself, it’s clear that it really doesn’t take an expert, or even the expertise of the church—it takes a parent.
Betsy Hart is a mother of four, a popular syndicated columnist, radio host, author of It Takes a Parent: How the Culture of Pushover Parenting is Hurting our Kids—and What to do About It (Putnam Books, 2005), and a featured speaker at the 2007 Willow Creek Children’s Ministry Conference.
Copyright © 2007 Promiseland.