It was one of those rare professional moments. I didn’t react nor did I get angry. I just listened as he went on for over twenty minutes. Most of the time his voice was loud and strident. His list of grievances seemed endless: this was wrong with the Christian education program, that was wrong with the way we were taking care of the church. I was at the center of all the criticism.
Suddenly, almost in mid-sentence, he blurted out, “She says all I’m interested in is sex.” For the next hour we talked about his marriage. The ‘issues’ that had so troubled him were never raised again.
Every pastor has experienced getting ‘dumped’ on. It is part of the job. Sometimes the criticism is more than justified. But often the precipitating factor has nothing to do with the pastor’s job performance. Here are several ways to distinguish a personal smoke screen from a valid criticism.
Has the person experienced a recent loss? For instance, the death of a loved one? Unresolved grief often does not rear its head until a year or two after the actual death. Or a recent divorce? Have there been financial or business setbacks?
In a parish, a person who has suffered a loss holds a great deal of power. If Margaret lost her husband last year, people will pay attention to her, more attention than if everything in her life were wonderful. People will listen to her complaints even when they don’t agree with her. They’re seeking to comfort someone who has suffered. Yet she’ll interpret it not as comfort but approval. If the pastor even tries to defend himself, then the cry will go forth, “How can a man of God inflict further pain on this poor woman!” If, on the other hand, he remains silent, then there will be those who conclude that she must be right. After all, he hasn’t defended himself.
Are personal problems afflicting your accuser? There could be marital problems, problems with the children, or trouble at work. People experiencing such problems often seek out a safe target. A cleric doesn’t usually fight back.
Is there a spiritual lack in the life of the individual? Deep down they may be angry at God. All the losses noted above sometimes create anger toward God. Yet most people have great difficulty expressing that anger toward their Creator. So it’s transferred to his human representative.
Unless you know the individual well, these underlying conflicts will be hard to detect. Yet the most obvious sign that something more is going on than just a simple disagreement is intense anger. If the anger is out of proportion to the actual situation, then the pastor is probably being used as a target.
Even a competent pastor may be paralyzed by such anger. A pastor once came to me in a near state of shock saying, “If I had attacked his wife in front of the congregation I could expect such anger, but all I said was … ” Those in the congregation who see this anger only want to comfort and calm the one who is angry. Rarely does anyone bother to ask, “Why is he or she so angry?”
If it becomes obvious that the angry person in front of you is angry at something else, what’s the best way to proceed?
First, hear the person out completely. Sometime simple catharsis does the trick. Second, if the person’s anger is still unresolved, this is an ideal time to use the lay people in your congregation you’ve identified as having the gift of helping. This is an issue with which lay leaders must grapple. If a pastoral problem becomes a political one, then everyone in the parish suffers.
Neglect hurts both parish and the person who is upset. If Margaret is allowed by the congregation to use her pastor as a dumping ground, they are doing her a grave disservice. “Doing her pastor in” won’t help her with her grief—it will only give her a temporary safety valve for her internal conflict. She will still be depressed, angry, and unhappy. Spiritual or emotional growth is impossible under such conditions. She must be aided in seeing that her anger is just a symptom. Others must help her see that she must realistically identify her conflict.
You may have to coach the lay person in how to approach their fellow parishioner. For example, one approach might be: “Margaret, we have always been friends, and you know I care about you. I’m troubled by how angry you are. Everyone knows that our pastor isn’t perfect, yet your anger seems out of proportion to the situation. Have you thought of speaking with someone about those feelings?” If others help her realize that more is going on than just the present problem, it will offer her the opportunity to grow.
Realizing that people’s motives aren’t always what they seem is also important for the parish at large. It isn’t easy. But more is at stake than just the pastor’s feelings. The fabric of the church, as well as the souls of those we care about, are in harm’s way.
—Gene Geromel, Jr.
St. John Episcopal Church
Napoleon, Ohio
Copyright © 1984 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
