I have no trouble living with most things. I live with two spoiled but cherished cats. I live peacefully with my neighbors, those I know well and those I just wave to as we pass on the street. I live with the believers in our church. I live happily with Marj, my wife of thirty-two years. And of course I live with Jesus, my Savior and Lord.
But I also live with other things that, if I had my choice, I would rather not. This is where the battles are often fought.
One is heartache. It slows me down and at times lays me aside. It takes the edge off my life, dulls the joy of living, and frustrates my spirit at times At times, it is a voice that whispers I don’t earn my keep. Other times it suggests, “If only this one thing was different, so much would be changed, so much might be right.”
But that’s not the case presently, so I have to live with, and, more importantly, to learn from that inner pain.
Yet so many people live with disabilities and limitations that, if allowed to, could erode and even destroy their Christian faith and work. Paul immediately comes to mind.
In 2 Corinthians 12, a chapter of contrast, Paul describes a man in Christ, identified by most commentators as Paul himself,- who on one hand saw visions and revelations of Christ, saw into heaven itself in a way unknown to most people, and who on the other hand experienced the buffeting of Satan. The thorn in his flesh brought both piercing pain and lingering agony.
Scholars dispute what Paul’s thorn was. Some say it was physical, others spiritual, others relational. I’ve noticed that although in verse 7 Paul speaks of a single thorn, in verse 10 he describes many barbs: weaknesses, insults, distresses, persecutions, and difficulties.
One thing is clear. Paul was not so interested in detailing the thorns as he was their results.
My calling has been to serve the Lord by shepherding his people. During a few dark periods, I tried to move away from that, but I’ve always come back to acknowledge that God’s purpose for my life is to share both the pleasures and pains of pastoral ministry.
For twenty-seven years, my ministry has been either to establish new churches or to rebuild ones that have broken down. It was while rebuilding a church that had gone from four hundred down to fifteen that I suffered a coronary due to stress and overload. The spirit was willing but the heart could not keep up.
The result is a continuing thorn in the flesh, a rare heart condition known as Prinzmetal Angina, in which a muscle in the heart goes into spasm, restricting the flow of blood in an area of the heart. Most times things are fine, and I live a “normal” pastor’s life (is that an oxymoron?), but every so often, and more frequently of late, the thorn presses down.
After ten years I have mostly learned to live with it and am still learning from it. Without it I never would have gained the special experience of his grace. I would have never known how to draw his enabling power from it. Much too slowly, I am sure, I’m coming to know what Paul meant in Philippians 3:10 when he experienced the knowledge and the power of Christ through the sufferings of Christ.
It is a classroom we would rather avoid, yet it seems many who serve him must enroll. Without it, we never receive the diploma of contentment and perseverance that “living with . . .” grants us.
I am still unclear why or how, but King David ! spent four long years living with Absalom parked at the gates of his palace (2 Sam. 15). Bible commentator Phineas Dake says, “Absalom was one of the greatest thieves on record-he stole the hearts of the men of Israel by lying, conniving, deceiving, flattering, and playing the part of the hypocrite.”
It reached the point where David, the anointed king, had to flee the throne and suffer the cursing and stones of Shimei (whose name means “rumors”-how many servants of the Lord have had to run the gauntlet of Shimei?), accusing David of things that were not true.
Abishai, David’s nephew, is for instant action: “We don’t have to live with this. Let me cut off his head.” But something, or someone, speaks deep within David’s heart, past all the hurt and humiliation. David tells Abishai to let Shimei alone, that if anyone is going to deal with him, it will be the Lord himself.
It was not easy, but David, and Abishai, had to live with their Shimei.
In this “living with . . .” time, David suffered the pain of Absalom and Shimei, but without it he might have never known the commitment, loyalty, and love of ones such as Ittai, who was willing to lay his life on the line for David (2 Sam. 15:18-22).
In Psalm 55 David pours out some of the ache that came from the Absalom experience. I am sure many in ministry can identify with it. He learned this: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. … I will trust in you” (vv. 22-23).
Even as I pen these lines, my natural heart is living with some pain, and my activities are somewhat curtailed, but it has given me the chance to sit awhile, to listen to what the Lord is saying.
-Barry F. Buckley Napier Christian Fellowship Centre Napier, New Zealand
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