It was my first Sunday at my first pastorate. After preaching with youthful energy and confidence, I went to the door to get my “strokes.” Instead, one lady bluntly told me she didn’t appreciate the doctrinal errors in my message. I was shocked.
I entered the pulpit more cautiously the following Sunday, and on the third Sunday a different person attacked my sermon at the door. It soon became clear that major doctrinal differences divided these people.
Quickly I called for a board meeting and asked point-blank about their basic beliefs. I found that half the board members disagreed with the stated position of the denomination!
What should I do? The seat of all unity-common belief-did not exist in the church.
First a lion, then a lamb
I decided if we didn’t have a workable foundation, I had to declare a foundation and let come what may. Reminding the board of the doctrinal position of the church, I informed them what I would preach and what we would practice in the church.
Most of them didn’t go along for the ride.
The problem was, no minister had been willing to shepherd these lions long enough. The church had been in existence for fifty years, but the average minister had stayed only two years.
The congregation was composed of wonderful people who happened to be headstrong. They loved God, were devoted to the Bible-and demanded their independence. I knew I had to recognize them as individuals while addressing their individualism. My goal was to channel their bullheadedness into boldness for Christ. For a while I had to become a lion, hoping that I could someday revert to being a gentle shepherd.
In the five years that followed, I learned what it takes to pastor strong-willed people. Here are a few concepts that worked for me and may help you.
Show your backbone
Pastors want to be kind, to lead by servitude, to walk in humility. I found that strong-willed people can misread that and lose respect for a leader. There came a time when I had to show strong-willed people I had backbone.
One individual, who started attending during my second year as pastor, came from a church where he had been influential. He was charming, witty, and likable, and before long he had the admiration of many in the congregation. They elected him a deacon.
I had been guiding the board of deacons to establish procedures and policies. After they were implemented, my responsibility was to ensure everyone worked within their boundaries. This approach usually minimizes conflict but can frustrate a strong-willed person accustomed to getting his way.
That’s what happened with the new board member. He had a tendency to bring up “concerns for discussion” (translated: gripes to argue over). Our procedure, however, was that you were to come with solutions and not just problems. Any member with a concern had to recommend a course of action. A whereas without a resolved is fruitless, wasted energy.
Our procedure cramped his style. He loved to stir things up just to see what would happen.
In one regularly scheduled board meeting, he decided to introduce a “concern.” The other members of the board, knowing this was out of order, squirmed uncomfortably. Several looked my way.
I kindly reminded him, “Although the church you came from may have allowed this, you aren’t working within your present church’s practices.”
“I don’t care about any stupid old church policy,” he answered angrily.
He was testing the commitment of the board to its procedures and testing the strength of his pastor. Since he didn’t have any recommended course of action, I said there would be no discussion. That was the end of it for that night.
For the next month, I preached with his eyes burning holes through me. His grown son told me his father was consumed with anger and despised me.
“Pray for him,” I encouraged.
His temper finally subsided. From then on he was a loyal supporter and a conscientious worker, and I had his full respect.
Strong-willed people only respect those as strong or stronger than they are. They refuse to be pastored by someone they perceive as weak. If you don’t stand up to them, showing grit with humility, you’ll be history.
Blunt for blunt
During announcements one Sunday, I said the church needed more people to help in the nursery during worship. “Maybe some of you whose children are grown would be willing to help,” I suggested. “This would give the young mothers a break.”
Monday morning one of the older women stopped by my office.
“I don’t like you making me feel guilty,” she said. “It’s unfair to ask older women to help in the nursery. I spent my years in the nursery, and now I should be able to enjoy the worship services.”
I assured her my intent was solely to gain more workers on the nursery rotation list. More names on the list meant fewer times in the nursery for everyone.
She wasn’t satisfied. In her opinion only mothers with children using the nursery should work in the nursery. “I served my time,” she concluded, “and now it’s their turn.”
Being in a Monday frame of mind, I said, “Let me see if I have this straight: since you got the royal shaft when you were a young mother, you want to make sure they get the royal shaft, too.”
“I didn’t mean that,” she said.
“That’s what it sounds like,” I replied.
Our conversation ended without a conclusion, but within a few weeks she added her name to the nursery worker rotation.
She taught me something about people who speak their mind. Sometimes being blunt is the only language they understand. Until I spoke as bluntly as she did, she wasn’t listening. Blunt-speaking people aren’t gentle with others’ feelings, so they rarely comprehend gentle correction.
Blessed are the flexible
A number of people in the congregation kept asking about what went on in board meetings. The board members, who were getting drilled in the foyer the Sunday after we met, were tired of it. “Pastor, why don’t we just publish the minutes in the bulletin?” they suggested.
I dragged my feet on the idea.
In time the issue became intense, with the topic coming up in every board meeting. My argument was “board meetings are confidential.”
But my stand was softening. Although some items were sensitive, the majority were not. People would get the information anyway, so why not let them receive it from the same source? So I finally conceded, and we published the highlights of board meetings.
What followed showed me I had been wrong to oppose the idea. First, the congregation quit seeing the board as a secret society. Second, the board members felt better about themselves because they had “won.” Strong-willed people don’t like being perceived as yes men-they sometimes disagree just so they won’t acquire this image. If you “win” every time, strong-willed people become frustrated. We gain more say by not having our say all the time.
I learned to be selective, knowing there are few things worth fighting over. I held my ground with the church’s stated beliefs but was flexible in their practical application. As a friend of mine once said, “Blessed are the flexible for they shall never break.”
There is a time
We once faced an uncomfortable situation with an individual who had high hopes about what he could do in church. I appreciated his good heart, talent, and special gifts when working with people. However, can’t wasn’t in his vocabulary. To speak in opposition to any of his ideas was “a lack of faith.”
He wanted a leadership position that exceeded his ability, was contrary to his basic drives, and could have damaged himself and the church. Clearly, I needed to speak the truth with love. But how? And when? I prayed and waited.
Months later he and I were sitting together in his living room. I had been praying all along for the Lord to make me sensitive to his timing; although this man and I had talked privately before, I hadn’t sensed the go-ahead. Initially our conversation was casual, but then it took on a different tone, and before the night was over, I shared my concerns.
He received them well, and everything worked out. Our friendship remained intact, and a potential problem was avoided.
I have learned to prepare for confrontation-anticipating my role in it, being spiritually alert, and fostering a redemptive environment-but to wait for God’s timing. We shouldn’t push for a confrontation, but when it comes we can’t back away.
Warning: If you look forward to confrontation, if you relish a good fight, then you won’t be effective dealing in this fashion. Showing our backbone and speaking bluntly has to be contrary to our nature. If we are normally gentle and kind, these practices can work.
We have to be ready to ride out the storm. When I first took my stand with the board, within three weeks the congregation was cut in half. But over the next five years, the remnant became a vibrant and growing fellowship.
Every church has strong-willed people. Often pastors envision them as a threat to their leadership. They, however, are simply wanting to be pastored like everyone else. They look for and love a pastor they can respect-someone who models strength, courage, and humility.
-S. Robert Maddox
Northwest Assembly of God
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Copyright © 1993 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
