The biblical ideal for marriage is that we “become one flesh” with our spouses. If the sense of unity and fulfillment begins to erode, it doesn’t usually happen as a cataclysmic event. Signs of erosion can alert us to danger.
- You find yourself looking for alternatives to being with your spouse. Time demands are always barriers to oneness, but when the marital relationship slips in priority, these multiply. They may masquerade as legitimate demands—work, church and community activities, or children’s needs. We generally do the things that are rewarding. If the marriage isn’t providing many rewards, it will be avoided.
- You feel increasingly irritated at your mate’s behavior. Every couple could list pet peeves with each other. My wife, Melissa, can, and in all honesty, I can too. We ordinarily negotiate or adjust to these. When things aren’t going well, however, they become magnified in our perceptions. The resulting frustration becomes expressed in criticism, humiliation, or avoidance.
- You don’t ask your spouse to do things for you as much as usual. A healthy marriage finds the comfortable balance of mutual dependency. (This is not “co-dependency,” an unhealthy dynamic that squelches individuality.) When one or both partners are dissatisfied with the union, that dependency creates guilt or anxiety. It becomes easier to regress to independence than allow your mate to meet your needs.
- You quit sharing details of your life. In the daily routines of life, information is exchanged. When the relationship is slipping, sharing even minor experiences and mundane schedules begins to feel threatening.
- Your sexual interest wanes. Even with the high male drive for sexual release and the strong female need for closeness, when the magic is out of the romance, so is the sexual desire. This may manifest itself in aversion, or subtly, in increased physical complaints, arguments at bedtime, or a pattern of going to bed at different times.
- You begin to want to be with a person of the opposite sex. Remember that spark you felt when your mate first came on the scene? Whatever that is—hormones, unresolved needs, the competitive urge, or a heavenly touch—lovers light up when their beloved appears. “The very thought of you, and I forget to do … ” is the way one of my favorite old songs puts it. When you find yourself lighting up for some other person, look out!
- You withhold financial resources. Most couples have a strong sense of financial responsibility for the marriage. It may survive long after relational oneness is gone. When marriages begin to fail, partners often begin to look out for themselves. Full disclosure about money diminishes. Separate bank accounts may be opened, often secretly. Money, like sex, is a powerful barometer for marital health, and withholding it can signal problems.
—Louis McBurneypsychiatrist and founderMarble RetreatMarble, Colorado
1996 Christianity Today/LEADERSHIP Journal
Posted January 1, 1996
