Affirmation

Research reveals that Gen Z employees aren't fooled by the "compliment sandwich" approach to feedback. While this technique aims to soften criticism with praise, it can often backfire. Young people are more concerned with whether they're perceived as competent than with receiving positive reinforcement. They crave genuine validation and respect, not patronizing compliments.

The compliment sandwich is meant to create an atmosphere of safety and security. But if the praise is for something seemingly unimportant, it won’t address a young person’s fears of unworthiness. Rather, it may be seen as condescending, which can confirm anxieties about being seen as a rube. Studies show that young people are especially hungry for signs of social status and respect, so they are especially insulted when they sense they are being talked down to.

There is, in fact, a simple but effective solution. Instead of the baloney sandwich, consider "wise feedback." This approach involves delivering honest, constructive criticism with an underlying belief in the individual's potential. By framing feedback as a tool for growth, you can help young people overcome their fears of inadequacy and strive for excellence.

Possible Preaching Angle:

The Apostle Paul is a great example of putting this principle into practice in the church. He was honest about both the strengths and weaknesses of the people he addressed without flattery. His criticism is always motivated by love for people. He always offered hope for the future, encouraging them to change and grow.

M. Robert Mulholland, Jr., writes in “Invitation to a Journey”:

I once heard a woman tell of her struggle with this reality. Her mother was a prostitute, and she was the accidental byproduct of her mother's occupation. Her life's pilgrimage had brought her to faith in Christ, blessed her with a deeply Christian husband and beautiful children, and given her a life of love and stability. But she was obsessed with the need to find out who her father was. This obsession was affecting her marriage, her family, and her life.

She told how one day she was standing at the kitchen sink, washing the dishes, with tears of anguish and frustration running down her face into the dishwater. In her agony, she cried out, "Oh, God, who is my father?" Then, she said, she heard a voice saying to her, "I am your father."

The voice was so real she turned to see who had come into the kitchen, but there was no one there. Again, the voice came, "I am your father, and I have always been your father."

In that moment she knew a profound scriptural reality. She came to know that deeper than the "accident" of her conception was the eternal purpose of a loving God, who had spoken her forth into being before the foundation of the world.

In a recent article in The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman describes how to be liberated from people-pleasing:

“Great news! I found the cure for my anxiety!!” the author Sarah Gailey once announced on social media. “All I need is for everyone I know to tell me definitively that they aren’t mad at me, once every 15 seconds, forever.”

I know how she feels. For years, I possessed a remarkable superpower: I could turn almost any work opportunity that came my way into an unpleasant emotional drama, simply by agreeing to do it.

Once I’d accepted a deadline or signed a contract, there was now another person in the world who might be growing impatient that I hadn’t finished yet, or who might end up disappointed in what I produced. And the thought that they might be harboring any negativity towards me felt hugely oppressive. This same overinvestment in other people’s emotions meant I was always saying yes to things I should really have declined, because I flinched internally at the thought of the other person feeling crestfallen.

It bears emphasizing that the people you’re worried might be angry with you, disappointed in you, or bored by you almost never actually are. The liberating truth is that they’ve got their own troubles to worry about…. As the novelist Leila Sales observes, poking fun at this tendency in herself: “It’s weird how when I don’t respond to someone’s email, it’s because I’m busy, but when other people don’t respond to my emails, it’s because they hate me.”

The liberating truth about life as a finite human is that…you’re never going to please everyone, or do everything, or accomplish anything perfectly. So, what would you like to do with your life instead?

The next time you're signing your name at the DMV or another U.S. Government office, you probably won't notice the black pen in your hand. It, after all, is exactly like the dozens of other black pens you've used in post offices, courthouses, and other buildings throughout your adult life. You certainly won't think there's much of a story behind the unobtrusive implement that, likely as not, is chained to the well-worn desk you've been waiting to stand at.

But like everything, those pens have a story. For over 55 years, those Skilcraft pens have been assembled by blind factory workers in Wisconsin and North Carolina. Each year they make nearly four million pens. The pens must meet rigorous government specifications: to write continuously for a mile, and within temperature swings from 40 below zero to 160 degrees Fahrenheit. The standard length of the pen has helped lost Navy pilots navigate by map. Stories say that the pen can be used as a two-inch bomb fuse, or for emergency tracheotomies. It can write upside down. It costs less than 60 cents (when purchased in quantity).

The pen has a rich, fascinating history, woven together with war, peace, postage, bureaucrats, spies, work, and play. And you'd never know it to look at it.

Much like many of us. In every room, every single person has a story, a rich, fascinating history that few of us ever think to ask about. If we did, we'd be floored, astounded. We'd see each other differently, and with more respect. Just like you'll see that pen differently the next time you pick it up.

Marvin Gaye, one of the most legendary soul singers of the 20th century, produced a series of hit recordings before his untimely death in 1984 from gun violence. But now, 40 years later, the world may experience a new set of never-heard recordings from the singer. “We can open a time capsule here and share the music of Marvin with the world," says Belgian lawyer Alex Trappeniers.

Assuming, of course, that ongoing legal proceedings can resolve their legal ownership. Trappeniers is the attorney for the family of Charles Dumolin, with whom Gaye once lived. Gaye moved to Belgium in 1981, to escape a cocaine habit he’d picked up living in London. While living with Dumolin, Gaye regained his health, and returned to recording. Some of the recordings he made during that time have never been released, and their potential value has only skyrocketed in the decades since his death.

And since Gaye gave them to the family, Trappeniers says, they should remain the family’s estate. He said, “They belong to [the family] because they were left in Belgium 42 years ago. Marvin gave it to them and said, 'Do whatever you want with it' and he never came back.”

The problem is, the Belgian law that would support the family’s custodianship of the physical tapes does not necessarily apply to intellectual property contained therein. If the heirs of the Gaye estate lay a claim to his music, the family could possess the recordings without a legal right to release them commercially. The Gaye family could legally own the music, but have no access to the tapes that contain them. Without a resolution, a legal stalemate would result.

Trappeniers says some kind of compromise and collaboration is necessary to bring Gaye’s new music to life. “I think we both benefit, the family of Marvin and the collection in the hands of [Dumolin's heirs]. If we put our hands together and find the right people in the world, the Mark Ronsons, or the Bruno Mars. ... Let's listen to this and let's make the next album.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Cooperation; Partnership; Teamwork; Unity – Much can be accomplished in any area of society where there is collaboration instead of competitiveness. This is what Paul told the Corinthian church, “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree together, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be united in mind and conviction” (1 Cor. 1:10-17).

Though he played a vital role in the U.S. victory over Japan in World War II, Navy Capt. Joseph Rochefort and his heroics long went unrecognized. Rochefort, who died in 1976, was a mid-level intelligence officer whose small unit in Hawaii provided the analysis that led to the U.S. naval victory in the Battle of Midway—the turning point of the Pacific war.

In 1929 the Navy sent three young officers, including Rochefort, to Japan to spend three years becoming fluent in the Japanese language and culture. Then in 1941 Rochefort was sent to Station Hypo at Pearl Harbor to lead a team of code-breakers. By May 1942, Rochefort believed he had sufficient evidence from intercepted Japanese radio traffic to convince Adm. Chester Nimitz that two Japanese fleets of carriers and battleships were at sea on their way to attack Midway Island. Top Navy officers didn’t accept Rochefort’s judgment.

Rochefort and his team came up with a ploy to persuade their superiors: The U.S. base at Midway would send out a message to Navy-supply services that the Midway desalination system was failing and there was a dearth of drinking water on the island. The Japanese took the bait and immediately provided desalting materials to their landing forces, thus confirming that Midway was a target for invasion.

Rochefort was vindicated. Rochefort served the rest of his career with honor, without being awarded the Distinguished Service Medal he was clearly due. That was corrected by President Ronald Reagan in 1986, when Rochefort—44 years after Midway—was posthumously given the award.

Possible Preaching Angle:

There are also many believers who faithfully serve the Lord without human recognition or applause. They will be remembered by the Lord on the day when works are judged and will be given their great reward by the One who sees all who faithfully and quietly serve him.

For decades, Bob Barker ended each episode of the long-running game show The Price is Right the same way—urging viewers to spay or neuter their pets. It became something of a catchphrase. Actor and comedian Drew Carey has been hosting the show for over sixteen years, and he’s developed his own catchphrase. Carey offers, in a brief, firm cadence, a warm affirmation in three words: “I love you.”

Carey told CBS Chicago, “It’s a practice I got in my adult life. I treat everybody I meet with love, as if they were a friend already. And it really changes everything.”

The simple affirmation caught the attention of plenty of viewers, including Washington Post writer Travis Andrews. He writes, “We’re in a world that could use a little love from our screens, and Carey provides it—unjudging, unequivocally, unabashed.”

According to Andrews, the bleak state of world affairs has caused an uptick in “I love you” as a platonic affirmation, and cites several examples. One of which includes actors Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett, who host the “Smartless” podcast together. They say it warmly to each other and to their guests at the end of episodes. Not “love you, bro” but “I love you.”

Perhaps the most unexpected “I love you”—and therefore the most moving—came from Norm Macdonald. The comedian always avoided sincerity. In his final appearance on “The Late Show with David Letterman,” Norm dropped the veil for perhaps the first and only time, to address his hero directly. Norm said, “I know that Mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish, and he has no truck for the sentimental. But if something is true, it’s not sentimental.”

His voice cracked. “And I say, in truth, I love you.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

This is one of the truest ways to demonstrate that “God is love” (1 John 4:16), is to sincerely tell others that we love them. It is especially godly to show God’s love to those who have hurt us or who despise us (Matt. 4:44)

Who knew spitting into a plastic tube would become such a popular pastime? Ancestry.com has more than 23 million members in its DNA network and 23andMe boasts more than 12 million customers worldwide. It’s never been easier to track down that great-great-grandmother from Norway.

We’re also watching professional historians do it on television. We tune in to shows like Antiques Roadshow, Who Do You Think You Are?, and Finding Your Roots. Ancestry sells. Genealogy is having a pop culture moment.

But why now? What are we searching for? Genealogist Bernice Bennett says, “There may be some people who are looking to find that they’re connected to Pocahontas, trying to find somebody famous, but you also have others who are saying there’s something missing. Who am I? How can I find that information, and how can it make me feel whole?”

In other words, we’re searching for belonging. We want to recognize ourselves. Our own sense of being and purpose can be reaffirmed when we see ourselves in the generations that have come before us. We are hard-wired for such connection, but many of us feel adrift. Genealogy research and programs tap into an unmet need.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Longing for belonging is an age-old desire. It’s one reason the Bible is chock-full of genealogies that trace the connections between generations of the early Hebrew people. Those who-begat-whom passages that modern readers tend to want to gloss over, were pivotal to an understanding of identity and wholeness in the ancient world.

Pro quarterback Patrick Mahomes had just limped his way through a last-minute, game-winning drive in the 2023 AFC Championship when he gave the credit for his performance to someone that even the biggest Kansas City Chiefs fans had never heard of. “Julie WAS the reason I was the guy I was on the field today!” Mahomes wrote to his millions of followers on Twitter that night. Her full name is Julie Frymer.

Who is she and why is she so important to the team? She’s the assistant athletic trainer. Frymyer had one of the NFL’s most important jobs in the 2022-2023 season: She was in charge of putting Mahomes through rehab for his injured ankle and getting the star quarterback ready to play for a spot in the Super Bowl.

Hobbling through a nasty sprain that often requires weeks of recovery, Mahomes wasn’t just able to play against the Cincinnati Bengals. He was fantastic. He was clearly gimpy, grimacing through several plays, but he was mobile enough to make several key plays, including a crucial run setting up the last-second field goal that sent the Chiefs to the Super Bowl to face the Philadelphia Eagles.

Mahomes going out of his way to praise her was the first time most people in Arrowhead Stadium had ever heard the name Julie Frymyer, but the Chiefs knew her value long before the guy with a contract worth nearly half a billion dollars, might as well have given her the game ball.

In today's highly politicized media climate, various opinions surround several ongoing conflicts. These conflicts include the ongoing war in the Middle East between Israel and Hamas. Amidst these tensions, New York Times columnist Catherine Pearson offers tips for navigating holiday gatherings.

Pearson's advice aims to help individuals maintain composure and connection during challenging times. These tips were curated from hundreds submitted by readers who were asked to contribute their own best practices in avoiding family drama.

“Control the setting,” suggested one reader in Georgia. “We host, every year, every holiday … It has been easier to be where we can control the environment and where we have a safe space.”

“Find a connection,” suggested another reader in Arizona, who cited a mutual love of music that draws two brothers together during the holidays, despite very different political views. “We brought our guitars to the gathering … when we’re singing, we can’t fight.”

“When in doubt, talk sports,” says a reader from Florida, whose family has an unofficial list of topics to avoid in order to keep the peace. “When issues arise, we enjoy the old fallback: ‘How about those Mets?’”

There were even helpful responses in the comment section. One commenter suggests putting out markers and construction paper and having everyone decorate their own placemat. Apparently giving everyone a project can help cut down on arguments.

Possible Preaching Angle:

As we gather with our families and as our broader church family, let's not allow our differences to keep us from loving one another and treating each other with respect.

Near the end of the Civil War, there was a touching scene that showed the gentleness and tenderness of President Abraham Lincoln. While he was visiting near the battle lines, Lincoln noticed three kittens, who had lost their mother. Moved by their mewing, he picked them up to comfort them.

Lincoln said, “Poor little creatures, don’t cry; you’ll be taken good care of.” To an officer, the President added, “Colonel, I hope you will see that these poor little motherless waifs are given plenty of milk and treated kindly.” The colonel replied “I will see, Mr. President, that they are taken in charge by the cook of our mess and are well cared for.”

One of the officers on the scene said, “It was a curious sight at an army headquarters, upon the eve of a great military crisis, in the nation’s history, to see the hand which had affixed the signature to the Emancipation Proclamation, and had signed the commissions of all the army men who served in the cause of the Union … tenderly caressing three stray kittens.”

Lincoln’s biographer, John Meacham adds, “It was not only curious—it was revealing. In the midst of carnage, fresh from a battlefield strewn with the corpses of those he had ordered in the battle, Lincoln was seeking some kind of affirmation of life, some evidence of innocence, some sense of kindliness amid cruelty. The orphaned kittens were a small thing, but they were there, and his focus on their welfare was a passing human moment in a vast drama.”

Do impressive-sounding, inspirational job titles make us feel better about ourselves? Can they change our behavior? Research suggests that job titles have the power to improve our well-being and sense of control, and shield us from feeling socially snubbed. They might even encourage us to apply for a job in the first place.

Since a powerful-sounding job title can signify social status, it’s not surprising workers aspire to them. But a fancy title isn’t always about status. Simply making a title more fun can influence behavior. After attending a conference at Disneyland and upon discovering that employees there were called “cast members,” Susan Fenters Lerch felt inspired.

The former CEO of Make-A-Wish Foundation returned to her office and told employees they could create their own “fun” job title, in addition to their official one, to reflect “their most important roles and identities in the organization.”

Researchers interviewed these employees a year and a half after Lerch’s decision. They found that their “self-reflective” job titles reduced workers’ emotional exhaustion, helped them cope with emotional challenges, and let them affirm their identity at work. Researcher Daniel Cable said, “The titles opened the door for colleagues to view one another as human beings, not merely job-holders.”

Researchers have also found that giving an employee a more senior-sounding title can make them act more responsibly by making them feel happier at work. Sociology professor Jeffrey Lucas found that giving high-performing employees a high-status job title could stop them from leaving. He carried out two experiments and discovered that workers with important-sounding job titles “displayed greater satisfaction, commitment, and performance and lower turnover intentions” than those who didn’t.

“However, as far as job titles go, it's important that people actually perceive the titles as conferring status. In other words, fancy titles that people perceive as being nothing more than just that would be unlikely to have positive consequences.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

This attitude could apply to valuing church staff, elected church officers, and volunteers. Do we follow Paul’s example in giving affirming titles those who serve with us? He publicly appreciated them and called them “fellow workers,” “beloved brothers,” “faithful ministers,” and “true partners” (Phil. 4:3; Col 4:7).

When he was a kid, Kevin Boyer's parents left him special notes in his lunch box. Now he's keeping that tradition alive with his own students. Boyer is the family and student support coordinator at Gorsuch West Elementary in Lancaster, Ohio.

Last year, he wrote a personalized letter to every student in the school, and he's doing it again this year. Every day, he pens six notes, so that by the last day of school, he will have written a letter to all 600 students. Boyer makes it a point to learn the name of every kid in the school. He also finds out their interests and hobbies so when it's time to write their letters, they are one-of-a-kind. Boyer told local reporters that some students tape their letters to their desks, while others have told him they proudly display the notes on their refrigerators at home.

At the end of her freshman year at the University of Tampa, Kira Rumfola packed her bags and headed to the airport with her favorite roommate: a colorful betta fish named Theo. Kira, 19, was headed home to Long Island for the summer and was happy to be bringing home the little fish that she had bonded with. She figured there would be no problem taking Theo onboard the plane in a small portable fish carrier. She said, “I’d done it before over the holidays with another airline, so I filled the container with water and put Theo in it.”

But there was a problem. While she was checking in, a customer service agent Ismael Lazo noticed the fish and explained to Kira that the airline’s pet policy allowed only small dogs and cats onboard in carriers. No other pets are permitted on planes.

Kira said, “All of my roommates had already gone home for the summer and I had nobody to leave Theo with. “I was really sad and wondered what I was going to do. He’s my pet.”

Lazo said he understood Rumfola’s concern for Theo. “I have two dogs—I wouldn’t want to abandon them somewhere. How about if I take your fish home to live with me and my fiancée until you come back for college in the fall? You can text me over the summer to see how he’s doing whenever you like.”

Kira’s face lit up, Lazo said. Right away, he felt good about his unusual offer. Kira promised she would check in often over the summer to see how Theo was faring in his temporary home.

As soon as she arrived home in New York, she texted Lazo: “Hi Ismael, it’s the girl from the airport with the fish! I was just wondering how he is doing.” Lazo quickly responded: “Hey! We are heading to the store to buy him a bigger tank.”

Lazo said that he didn’t feel sad when Kira returned to classes in late August and it was time to reunite her with Theo. “To be honest, I was worried about something happening to him on our watch. So, I was happy for Kira to have him back.”

When Rumfola went to Lazo’s apartment to pick up the fish, she gave him and his fiancée a store gift card and some candy as a gesture of thanks.

In the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Maggie Smith plays Muriel Donnelly, a cranky British retiree living in a dilapidated hotel in Jaipur, India. She is wheelchair-bound so the hotel staff assigned a Dalit or outcaste woman to care for her.

The woman invites Muriel to her home so that her whole family can meet her. Muriel goes with a translator because the Dalit woman and her family don’t speak English. When the Dalit woman showers Muriel with food and hospitality, Muriel asked the translator why. The translator responds, “Because you have been kind to her.” Mariel shamefully responds, “But I haven’t been kind. “The translator responds, “You’re the only one who acknowledges her. “

For a poor, Dalit woman, the fact that Mariel saw her and talked with her, even though it was more at her, was an acknowledgment of her worth and their common humanity. When we go out as pursuers in eternal relationship with Jesus, we start to see people no one else sees. God’s heart becomes our heart.

Linguists tell us that babies of virtually all cultures use similar syllables for addressing their parents. It is easy for maturing babies to say the “Ah” vowel and “B, D, or M” consonant sounds. Parents of all cultures teach these primitive words as the titles for “Mother” and “Father.”

French: “Maman and Papa.”

Norwegian: “Mamma and Papa.”

Swahili: “Mama and Baba.”

Mandarin: “Mama and Baba.”

Chechen: “Naana and Daa.”

Every follower of Jesus knows our primal name for God—Father, or in the Aramaic, Abba, Dada. Or Daddy.

Demi Lovato and the Australian singer/songwriter Sam Fisher recently collaborated on a piece titled “What Other People Say” that reveals this generation's realization that living for the affirmation of others cannot fill the void in our heart.

Some of the lyrics from the radio edit of the song:

Thought when I grew up

I would be the same as the ones who gave me my last name

I would not give in, I would not partake

In the same old drugs everyone else takes

I'm better than that, I'm better than that

I'm living my life so I go to heaven and never come back

But look where I'm at, look where I'm at

I'm living the life that I said I wouldn't, I wanna go back

I used to call my mom every Sunday

So she knew her love wasn't far away

But now I'm all messed up out in LA

'Cause I care more about what other people say

I used to not take chances with God's name

But it's been so long since I last prayed

And now I'm all messed up and my heart's changed

'Cause I care more about what other people say

The song so resonated with Lovato she shared, "When I first heard this song, I cried. These lyrics resonate so much with me and are super meaningful. This song is a reflection on what it's like to lose who you truly are in an effort to please other people and society."

Fischer added, "'What Other People Say' is a confession, realizing how far away you can get from who you are in an effort to be liked. It’s about the pressures of society and how getting caught up with the wrong things can change you."

Before he deployed to Afghanistan, Army Staff Sgt. Philip Gray sat down and wrote 270 messages for his 7-year-old daughter—one for each day he would be away. He wanted to make sure his daughter knew that she was always on his mind. His notes for Rosie encouraged her to do her best at school and excel in her activities and hobbies. His wife, Kristen, said, “He was very big on feel-good words for her. He made sure to tell her how smart she was, and run fast in P.E., and things that would really make her happy."

Philip Gray left their home on Oct. 7, 2019, and while he was gone, Kristen put his notes into Rosie's lunchbox. Some of them included doodles like snowmen or pumpkins to represent holidays missed. He returned on Aug. 8, three days before Rosie's birthday. "Now that I'm home ... she asks me, 'Dad are you going leave me and mom a note?'" Philip said. "I say 'Yes bug, I will leave you a note.'"

Why are so many people reluctant to give unsolicited praise to others? It may simply be that we underestimate how well a compliment will be received and overestimate the cost of giving it.

In a study published in the Psychology Bulletin, researchers asked people to approach a same-gender stranger and offer a sincere compliment. The compliment-givers felt anxious prior to the interaction because they predicted their compliment would be negatively received. But their predictions weren’t accurate. Overall, they significantly underestimated how flattered, happy, and pleased people would feel about being complimented. They also significantly overestimated how awkward or annoyed the recipients would feel.

Psychologist Erica Boothby suggests, “We should think about how we would feel if we received a compliment--and remember that others will feel the same. … A few kind words go a long way.”