Conversation

People are speaking about 3,000 fewer words each day compared to less than two decades ago. Between 2005 and 2018, researchers found the average number of daily spoken words dropped from 16,000 to around 13,000 — a decline that appears linked to our increasing reliance on digital communication tools like texting and social media. Co-lead author Valeria Pfeifer noted, “We did a full analysis looking at what year the data were collected and found that, indeed, 300 spoken words on average per year go missing.”

Another researcher added, “There is a strong cross-cultural assumption that women talk a lot more than men. We wanted to see whether or not this assumption holds when empirically tested.”

The numbers show that women do speak slightly more on average — about 13,349 words per day compared to men’s 11,950. This modest difference of 1,073 words is small compared to the vast individual variation in daily speech, which ranges from fewer than 100 to over 120,000 words per day.

Senior author Matthias Mehl said, “I’m fascinated by the idea that we know how much we need to sleep, we know how much we need to exercise, and people are wearing Fitbits all the time. But we have no idea how much we’re supposed to socialize. The evidence is very strong that socializing is linked to health, at least to the same extent as physical activity and sleep are. It’s just another health behavior.”

Your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. In fact, a new study from the University of Rochester found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you.

Most people fear that difficult conversations will damage their relationships, so we avoid tough topics or sugarcoat our feelings. But research shows we’re wrong about the risks of being direct.

Scientists studied 214 couples, together an average of 15 years, and asked them to discuss something they wanted their partner to change. This is a conversation most people dread. Before talking, each person privately wrote down what they wanted to say, then had the conversation while researchers recorded what was actually shared.

The results? When people were more honest about their requests, both partners reported better emotional well-being and higher relationship satisfaction. What mattered more was that people actually were honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.

Three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well-being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time.

You don’t need perfect communication skills or complete agreement about what happened for honesty to help your relationship. You just need willingness to share authentic thoughts and feelings.

Rather than tiptoeing around sensitive topics, couples should lean into honest communication. The truth can set your relationship free, even when it’s hard to hear.

A cafe in Amsterdam is filled with people on a Sunday afternoon, but there’s not a laptop or cellphone in sight. Those meeting are part of the Offline Club, where a Wi-Fi signal is not needed, whose members check their electronics at the door, grab a coffee and a seat, and pretend like it’s the '90s.

Each meeting starts off with quiet time for reading, crafting, or just relaxing with your beverage. Then it becomes social for people who want to engage with others.

Co-founder of the club, Ilya Kneppelhout said, “The Offline Club is a way for people to detox from their rushed daily lives and ever-connected lives with notifications. And it is people who are unhappy with their social media usage or their phone usage and screen time and want to decrease that and get back to real connection."

It’s a simple concept, but participants say they really look forward to it. “You get to be very present in a way you didn’t come in realizing,” one member said. Kneppelhout added, “It felt a bit like traveling in time and made me feel nostalgic about the way bars and cafes used to be. Because nowadays, those are places we’re only going to with friends and people we already know and spend time doing digital things like work.”

The founders say they think the concept would work well in other cities, too. “We’re getting together with a franchising concept and we hope to have offline detox events in the entire world for people to reconnect.”

Did you know horses have friends? They do according to writer Sterry Butcher, who lives on a Texas farm with horses.

According to Butcher, horses form friendships, and these friends stand nose to rump to cooperatively swish flies from the other’s face with their tails. They’ll rake their teeth against the other’s withers or back, scratching places the other cannot reach on his own.

And not only do horses scratch each other’s back. They watch each other’s back. In the wild, they spend the entirety of their lives within the eyesight of another horse. Even domestic horses, who don’t venture beyond their pasture, will take turns staying awake while others sleep. It’s like shifts on guard duty.

What horses have is what we need. Every one of us needs a friend. Someone who will swish away the annoying biting flies that come toward us in life. Someone who will scratch our back, helping us with the things we can’t reach or do on our own. Someone who will stay awake and protect us from dangers.

A New York Times article called it “The Most Important Conversation to Have Before You Die.” The article opens by stating:

“Instead of talking about politics around the Thanksgiving table this year, consider a less fraught topic: death. It’s something few of us want to think about, but death is a fact of life that we will all encounter, often first as a caregiver and then, inevitably, when we reach our own.”

According to the article, what is the most important conversation to have before you die? It’s not about your eternal destiny. It’s not about your relationship with God or how to face final judgment. Instead, “discussing what medical care you want to receive at the end of your life is one of the most loving things you can do for your family.” The article notes, “While death can be a scary subject to broach, you may be surprised by how you feel after.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Death, Preparation for – Granted this is an important conversation to have before you die, but Christians believe that there are conversations that are far more important than that topic. How many of us will leave our comfort zone and talk to family members about eternity and what preparation should be made to face God? By approaching these discussions with love, humility, and a genuine concern for their spiritual well-being, we can plant seeds that may lead to life-changing decisions about faith and salvation.

In the U.S., solo dining reservations have risen 29% over the last two years, according to OpenTable, the restaurant reservation site. They’re also up 18% this year in Germany and 14% in the United Kingdom.

Japan even has a special term for solo dining: “ohitorisama,” which means “alone.” In a recent survey, Japan’s Hot Pepper Gourmet Eating Out Research Institute found that 23% of Japanese people eat out alone, up from 18% in 2018. As a result, many restaurants in Japan and elsewhere are redoing their seating, changing their menus, and adding other special touches to appeal to solo diners. Even so-called family restaurants are increasing counter seats for solitary diners, and restaurants are offering courses with smaller servings so a person eating alone gets a variety of dishes.

OpenTable CEO Debby Soo thinks remote work is one reason for the increase, with diners seeking respites from their home offices. The pandemic also made social interactions less feasible and therefore less important while eating out.

The growth in solo dining also is the result of more people who are living alone. In 2019, the Pew Research Center found that 38% of U.S. adults ages 25 to 54 were living without a partner, up from 29% in 1990. In Japan, single households now make up one-third of the total; that’s expected to climb to 40% by 2040, according to government data.

Increasing interest in solo travel – particularly among travelers ages 55 and over – is also leading to more meals alone.

Possible Preaching Angle:

A time of solitude can be a refreshing break from a busy schedule. But for many people solitude is not a choice. Without putting singles in an embarrassing spotlight, it would be encouraging if church members would diplomatically invite singles to share a homecooked meal, especially during the holidays.

For decades, a social psychologist named John Bargh has conducted studies on the way words affect behavior. In one such study, undergraduate students were given a scrambled-sentence test. One version of the test was sprinkled with rude words like “disturb,” “bother,” and “intrude.” Another version was sprinkled with polite words like “respect,” “considerate,” and “yield.” The subjects thought they were taking tests measuring lan­guage ability, but they were actually being subconsciously primed by those words.

Priming is a psychological phenomenon related to stimulus and response, and words are the lead actors. The word “nurse” is recognized more quickly if it’s preceded by the word “doctor.” The same goes for “dog” and “wolf.” Why? These words are semantic primes that cause you to think in categories. If I say Empire State Building, it puts you in a New York state of mind. In the same sense, the word “please” is a politeness prime.

After taking the five-minute scrambled-sentence test, stu­dents were supposed to walk down the hall and talk to the person running the experiment about their next assignment. However, an actor was strategically engaged in conversation with the researcher when the students arrived. The goal? Psychologist Bargh wanted to see whether the subjects who were primed with polite words would wait longer before interrupting than those who were primed with rude words.

The result? Sixty-five percent of the group primed with rude words interrupted the conversation. Those primed with polite words? Eighty-two percent of them never interrupted at all. If the test hadn't timed out at ten minutes, who knows how long they would have waited?

Possible Preaching Angle:

A few polite words. What difference do they make? In quantitative terms, they can make a 47% difference. Don’t underestimate the power of polite words.

Twenty-year-old Henry Earls dresses up to go to the library. He picks out cozy knitted sweaters and accessorizes with well-worn copies of classic books. Earls looks like an adjunct English professor. He said, “I want to cultivate an aesthetic when I go to the library. And, honestly, I dress up to see if someone will come up to me and say hi.”

Gen Z seems to love public libraries. A report from the American Library Association found that Gen Z and Millennials are using public libraries at higher rates than older generations. More than half of the survey’s 2,075 respondents had visited a physical library within the past 12 months. Not all of them were bookworms. Almost half don’t identify as readers, but those non-readers still visited their local library in the past year.

Libraries have never been just about books. These are community hubs, places to connect and discover. For an extremely online generation that’s nearly synonymous with the so-called “loneliness epidemic,” libraries are increasingly social spaces, too.

“Coffee shops get so crowded, and you have to spend money to be there, but libraries are open for everyone,” said Anika Neumeyer, a 19-year-old student. “There’s a lot less pressure to be doing something in the public library. No one’s going to judge you.”

Fifteen-year-old Arlo Platt Zolov says, “A lot of people my age are surrounded by tech and everything’s moving so quickly. Part of me thinks we’re rediscovering libraries not as something new, but for what they’ve always been: a shared space of comfort.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Fellowship; Small groups – This is a golden opportunity for the small groups in the church to provide the fellowship and gathering opportunities that so many are missing. Small groups meeting in homes, perhaps with a meal, can be very attractive to disconnected young people.

A nine-year-old boy asked ChatGPT, “Is yo' mama so dumb that when she went to sleep, she put a ruler behind her pillow to see how long she slept?” The chatbot replied, “I'm sorry, but as an AI language model I don't have a ‘mama’ or the ability to feel insulted.”

The nine-year-old's real mom, journalist Linda McRobbie, was disturbed by her son's rude question. She’s not alone. Researchers estimate 54% of all conversations with chatbots contain profanity (often directed at the bot) and 65% contain sexual language. In 2019, about 30% of conversations with Mitsuku, an advanced chatbot contained abusive or sexually harassing language.

We might rationalize that a chatbot is just a thing with no feelings. So, what's the big deal about rudeness? Several things.

One is that part of our brains register our conversation with a chatbot as a social interaction with another person. When we hear the chatbot's voice, we think it's a real person, according to technology researchers.

Secondly, these AI assistants are designed to learn from our interactions with them. Our foul or abusive language may be training Alexa to talk back to us the same way.

Thirdly, we're training ourselves. Author and MIT professor, Sherry Turkle, who studies our relationship with technology says, "Abusing ... Siri, Replika (and other chatbots) coarsens us, not because the chatbots have feelings, but because we do." Forty years of research suggests that “venting” rage even at an inanimate object doesn't reduce anger. It just helps us rehearse it. There's even evidence that how we talk to our chatbots could start to shape our interactions with people.

The moral might be: “Be kind to thy chatbot because you’re practicing human relations.”

For busy families, gathering together for dinner can feel like an impossibility. Children could use it now more than ever. Robin Black-Burns’s teenage daughter has after-school activities that fall over dinnertime, making evening meals at home a thing of the past. The SUV has become their de facto dinner table.

Robin’s daughter, 14-year-old Athena Burns, has dinner in the car four nights a week, eating during the hourlong drive home from robotics-club meetings. Robin usually arrives at her daughter’s school 15 minutes early to eat her own dinner in the front seat while waiting for Athena. Ms. Black-Burns says, “We wonder why so many kids have anxiety. Well, gee, they have a rigorous academic schedule and after-school activities and they’re eating in the car.”

In 2021, 44% of high-school students said they felt persistently sad or hopeless in the past year, according to data from the CDC. At the same time, mounting scientific research shows that gathering for regular meals and conversation might be one way to build children’s emotional resilience.

Nationwide surveys show that the number of dinners parents and children eat together has fallen in recent decades. The primary reason: the conflicting schedules of working parents and kids.

“It’s so basic that people forget about it,” says Ellen Rome, head of Adolescent Medicine at Cleveland Clinic Children’s Hospital. Gathering around the table, Dr. Rome says, is “a useful mechanism for creating connectedness and role-modeling behaviors that parents want children to emulate. … We have a lot of adolescents who’ve devolved to having all of their meals in their bedroom. It’s a significant step away from family connection.”

Professor Jerica Berge, in a teen-eating study, has continued to follow research participants from a 2010 survey group, then-adolescents who are now in their 20s. Those who had eaten two to three family meals a week as teens had lower rates of obesity and eating disorders, as well as better mental-health outcomes than those who had eaten fewer meals together. Those young adults now give priority to dining with their own children and partners.

Young adults who had eaten meals with their families three to five times a week as adolescents had even more-significant physical and mental-health benefits.

The typical family spends just six hours together a week, thanks in part to long working hours and time spent diving down the digital device rabbit hole.

According to a study of 2,000 British parents with children at home, most agree that work shifts are hindering family quality time (56 percent). Other factors include homework (29 percent), household chores (27 percent), TV time (21 percent), social media use (20 percent), and after school activities (19 percent).

When families are at home together, 37 percent admit they don’t set aside specific time to spend with one another. The survey finds half of respondents think there are too many distractions in the home—particularly devices with screens—which impact quality time.

There’s plenty of research that shows how eating meals together as a family has positive effects on everyone. To that end, a quarter of parents would like to eat more family meals together to encourage conversation, as 42 percent say they struggle to initiate chats with their children. The most popular topics around the table when they do dine together are: school (50 percent), TV shows (48 percent), and friendships (46 percent).

Aside from mealtimes, parents are most likely to chat to their children when in the car (57 percent), putting them to bed (40 percent), and walking to and from school (38 per cent).

Actress Diane Kruger (National Treasure, In The Fade) was once offered a role that required her to play a young wife and mother, experiencing the loss of her husband and child. Since she hadn’t personally experienced such painful losses in her own life, Diane realized that the only way she could prepare herself for the important role, would be to connect with people and groups that were walking through extreme grief and similar experiences.

It is said that initially, she began to offer her own thoughts and responses with those who shared their stories in the groups she attended. However, she gradually realized that it would be far better for her to stop talking, and to start listening with empathy to their stories. That decision brought about a meaningful learning curve that helped her adapt to the role she had to play in the film.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In conversations, how often are we eager to air our thoughts and views without listening to the other person? The Bible however advises us to be careful of the words we speak, and about the importance of being willing to listen to others. James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.”

Everyone knows your family can be a pain in the neck sometimes, but regular family dinners can be the key to reduced stress levels in the household. This was found in a survey by the American Heart Association (AHA), who research chronic stress which can increase rates for all manner of heart diseases.

Of the 1,000 U.S. adults surveyed in September 2022, 91% of respondents said their family was less stressed when they share meals together. 84% say they wish they could share a meal more often with loved ones.

Dr. Erin Michos said, “Sharing meals with others is a great way to reduces stress, boost self-esteem, and improve social connection, particularly for kids. Chronic, constant stress can also increase your lifetime risk of heart disease and stroke. So, it is important for people to find ways to reduce and manage stress as much as possible, as soon as possible.”

Connecting with friends, family, coworkers and neighbors benefits people beyond stress relief. In fact, the survey found a majority of people say sharing a meal reminds them of the importance of connecting with other people, and say it reminds them to slow down and take a break.

Those surveyed say they are more likely (59%) to make healthier food choices when eating with other people but have difficulty aligning schedules with their friends or family to do so. Overall, respondents reported eating alone about half of the time.

Dr. Michos said, “It’s not always as easy as it sounds to get people together at mealtime. Like other healthy habits, give yourself permission to start small and build from there.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Eating together as a family takes sacrifice and planning. Start from an early age with your children (but it’s never too late). Turn off the TV and cell phones. Plan for some conversation and allow even the youngest to contribute.

It might be hard to imagine a world without cell phones, but there was most definitely a time when they remained the stuff of science fiction. That is, until 50 years ago (4/3/23), to be more exact. April 3 marks a half century of cell phones, albeit it took a little while for the technology powering Motorola engineer Martin Cooper’s DynaTAC cell phone to become a ubiquitous facet of everyday life.

Affectionately dubbed “the Brick,” the DynaTAC—short for Dynamic Total Area Coverage—contained 30 circuit boards, stood nine inches tall, and weighed 2.5 pounds. As Smithsonian Magazine notes in its own retrospective, the first truly mobile phone took approximately 10 hours to fully charge. Even then, conversations were capped at around 35 minutes before the Brick needed to refuel.

It would take another decade for Motorola to release a commercial cell phone. Not many could afford it at a $3,500 price point (roughly $10,600 by today’s standards). Four decades on, and there are now more phones than humans, with 18 billion devices estimated in service by 2025.

After 50 years and billions of phone calls, it might still be difficult to beat the very first cell phone chat from Cooper himself. As Smithsonian Magazine also recounts in its look back, the engineer and inventor allegedly called up the lead cell phone engineer at Motorola’s rival, AT&T. “I’m calling you from a cell phone. But a real cell phone! Personal, hand-held, portable cell phone.” His competitor’s reported response? Stunned silence, along with allegations that the phone call never took place.

Possible Preaching Angle:

The 50th anniversary of the cell phone reminds us of the tremendous communication opportunities now available to us. This technological marvel gives us instantaneous access to people all over the world for a monthly fee. This April also marks the 1,990th birthday of our superior connection to God (April 5, 33 AD). We have instant around the clock communication to confidently speak directly to God through our risen Lord (Heb. 4:14-16), with the added benefit of it being a lifetime prepaid plan (Heb. 9:11-27).

Ever get the feeling you're talking to a brick wall when trying to communicate with your teens? Well, a new study suggests there may be some science to it, after finding that teenagers' brains start tuning out their mothers' voices around the age of 13. Researchers said that this is because they no longer find it “uniquely rewarding,” and instead tune into unfamiliar voices more.

The study by the Stanford School of Medicine used MRI brain scans to give the first detailed neurobiological explanation for how teenagers begin to separate from their parents. It suggests that when your teenagers don't seem to hear you, it's not simply that they don't want to clean their room or finish their homework—their brains aren't registering your voice the way they did in pre-teenage years.

Lead study author Daniel Abrams said, “Just as an infant knows to tune into her mother's voice, an adolescent knows to tune into novel voices. As a teen, you don't know you're doing this. You're just being you: You've got your friends and new companions and you want to spend time with them. Your mind is increasingly sensitive to and attracted to these unfamiliar voices.”

Researchers said, “The brain's shift toward new voices is an aspect of healthy maturation. A child becomes independent at some point, and that has to be precipitated by an underlying biological signal. This signal helps teens engage with the world and form connections which allow them to be socially adept outside their families.”

A study published in 2016 showed that children can identify their mother's voice with extremely high accuracy. Even fetuses in utero can recognize their mother's voice before they're born. Yet with adolescents their brains are tuning away from their mother’s voice in favor of voices they've never even heard.

Brain responses to voices increased with teenagers' age. In fact, the relationship was so strong researchers could use the information in adolescents' brain scans to predict how old they were. When teens appear to be rebelling by not listening to their parents, it is because they are wired to pay more attention to voices outside their home.

It’s in political news to note that Americans are hopelessly divided, and that this division is manifest in the lack of collaboration across the aisle in Congress. But Washington Post columnist Amanda Ripley might disagree that our situation is hopeless.

That’s because Ripley did a deep dive on the Select Committee on the Modernization of Congress, a bipartisan collection of twelve lawmakers. This year’s committee has made over 200 recommendations to revamp Congress processes and practices, most of which have already been accomplished or put into motion. By comparison, the last committee assigned to do similar work disbanded in 2018 after making exactly zero recommendations.

So, what made the difference? A series of bold steps to overcome the toxic division and promote dialogue and cooperation. Committee chair Derek Kilmer met with each committee member separately to gauge their willingness and/or optimism. Initially, it seemed bleak, particularly in the wake of the events of January 6, 2021. One Democrat told Kilmer: “I feel like not only was I in a relationship with someone who cheated on me; I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me with someone who was trying to kill me.”

After those initial conversations, Kilmer said, “We’re going to have to do some stuff differently.” So, what was different? They engaged in practices that promoted listening and building trust in relationship. There was a joint retreat for mutual bonding. They created neutral zones for conversation and collaboration without the pressure of television cameras present, so that members could have real conversations. And they had another debrief and listening retreat after the January 6th attacks, so that each lawmaker could hear and be heard.

Several people commented on the results: “It felt like someone turned the air conditioner on. You saw people starting to be curious about each other again.” “The conversations were quite remarkable. They surpassed my expectations.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Being effective requires trust, empathy, and teamwork. When we respectfully listen and engage, we are modeling the behavior God desires.

It's old school in Jacob Dannenberg's college dorm room. He uses an alarm clock to wake him up, handwritten notes for reminders, and an actual wristwatch to keep track of time. No, it wasn't 1999. It was an Adelphi University course called "Life Unplugged" taught by Professor Donna Freitas, where students did the unthinkable--handing over their smartphones. One student said, "I'm freaking out, I could probably cry right now.”

The students voluntarily turned in their phones to the university's public safety officers so they wouldn't be tempted to cheat. Then they challenged themselves to wake up on time, take notes, communicate, and find their way around without the slew of apps they usually use for those things. They made plans to communicate with family and friends via email or land line phones, and designated emergency contacts to assuage any fears.

Professor Freitas also gave up her phone as part of the experiment. "I’ve become more and more concerned by my students’ inability to sustain attention. I’m interested in them just experiencing life and conversation and relationships without constantly grabbing for their phones."

The experiment was designed to make students ask themselves "What does it mean to live constantly interrupted?" At first, some of the students said they were worried about how they would fare. But a week later, they had seen some real benefits.

Jacob Dannenberg said, "Everything is perfect right now. I'm having a lot better relationships. It's a stress-free environment, no worries about social media." Student Adrianna Cigliano added, "I think it's really refreshing and relaxing … I was able to fall asleep a lot easier.”

They managed to find their way, even without GPS for a week. "I just had to take the same route everywhere," one student joked. They were also more productive. Adrianna said, “Doing homework was 100 percent easier. I got it done faster; I was in the zone.” Students said they look forward to living more in the moment, with their heads up more often, notifications off, and the "do not disturb" on.

You’re out with some friends having a nice dinner. But one has been talking on his phone for the last ten minutes, and a second is managing to fork food into her mouth while still using both hands to type text messages. And the fourth member of your party is preoccupied with tracking down some YouTube video he has to show everyone.

So, you’re out with your friends for dinner but it seems an awful lot like eating alone. We’ve all experienced something similar and put our friends through something similar. So how can we return a little decorum to our dinners-out?

One suggestion making the rounds is something called “The Phone Stack.” After everyone orders their meals, all smartphones are placed in the center of the table, one on top of another, face down. Though the course of the meal it’s simply a given that one of these, or all, are going to buzz, bing, or sing. But here’s the kicker: no one is allowed to grab their phone until dinner and dessert is done. If someone feels they just have to pick up their phone, that’s okay, but then they also have to pick up the check for the night!

Can there be exceptions made? Maybe someone is a doctor on call, or a volunteer member of the local fire department, and just needs to check their messages. Yup, allowances for that kind of thing can be made. But for the rest of the group this is a fun way of ensuring we all connect with one another, rather than with our devices. And for those dining-in nights, a variation can be done involving who is going to do the dishes!