Conviction of Sin

A man and a woman in Tennessee were arrested when they attempted to sell stolen goods at a pawn shop. 30-year-old Jeremy Watts and 24-year-old Jessica Heady tried to sell two PlayStation systems along with controllers, video games, and DVDs. The only problem with their plan was that the goods happened to be from the house of the pawnshop owner.

The owner, Edward Dial, said that he recognized the items and when he went home to check, saw that his home had indeed been burglarized. Watts and Heady were arrested and charged with aggravated burglary.

Possible Preaching Angle: Sin can be a tempting choice when the victim is faceless and nameless. But in reality, that's never the case. Sin always has a victim, as David says in Psalm 51:4 "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight."

Do you have a deep, dark secret?

Edgar Allan Poe’s 1843 short story “The Tell-Tale Heart” describes a man slowly going mad because of a dark secret. The narrator recounts a murder he has committed, of an old man with a filmy blue “vulture eye,” whose regard the murderer simply could not endure.

The narrator-killer hides the old man’s body under the floorboards of his house, but then he begins to hear the beating of the dead man’s heart beneath his feet. The sound—clearly a metaphor for the murderer’s tormenting shame and guilt—grows louder and louder. In the end, the narrator can stand the thumping no longer; seeking relief, he confesses his crime to the police.

Most, if not all, of us have guilty secrets, secrets we have never told anyone. Psychologists call the secrets we keep about ourselves “self-concealment.” Although what you self-conceal might feel uniquely shameful, the experience of carrying a guilty secret really doesn’t vary that much across the population. Michael Slepian, a professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia University, maintains a website called KeepingSecrets, which organizes into various categories the things that people are hiding from others. The most common secrets anonymously cataloged involve infidelity or indiscretion. In short: Your own tell-tale heart probably involves love and sex.

Twenty-four-year-old Lionardo Tapia was sentenced to three months of electronic monitoring for stealing over a dozen beef cattle. And while cattle theft is not exactly uncommon in the ranching industry, this particular crime was executed in novel fashion, even if it wasn’t exactly successful.

Presiding over the case, Yakima County Superior Court Judge Richard Bartheld expressed disbelief at Tapia’s method of transportation. “Who would believe you could put a cow in the back seat of a blue Honda Accord?”

Tapia was apprehended on March 5th after a man from Sagebrush Ranch witnessed a Honda Accord leaving the ranch around 7:30 am. He followed the car to the Outlook rodeo grounds, where deputies discovered Tapia in a cattle pen with 16 calves. The affidavit revealed that Tapia had cow manure on his boots and the Honda’s interior was also covered in manure.

The car’s owner, a friend of Tapia’s, stated that her son had lent Tapia the car to search for a job and neither she nor her son were involved in the theft. Tapia confirmed this, admitting to Judge Bartheld that the car's owner was no longer his friend due to the incident and the mess.

Tapia pleaded guilty to livestock theft, admitting to taking a calf and attempting to sell it. During the sentencing hearing, Judge Bartheld asked Tapia if he thought he would escape consequences. Tapia responded, “No.” The judge then asked, “What were you thinking?” to which Tapia replied, “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

Despite the seriousness of the crime, Prosecuting Attorney Bret Roberts recommended a three-month sentence, the minimum under state guidelines, citing Tapia’s cooperation, clean record, and desire to resolve the case. Sixteen calves valued at $500 each were recovered, and no restitution was sought.

Judge Bartheld, ordered Tapia to begin his sentence no later than December 12th. The judge reminded him of the historical severity of livestock theft, asking, “Do you understand that in our earlier history, they used to shoot people who stole livestock?”

In January 2024 a wave of violence and looting broke out in Port Moresby, the capital of the country of Papua New Guinea (north of Australia). An unconfirmed number of people were killed and dozens injured, as emergency services struggled to respond to the scale of the disturbance.

Video footage showed looters in the capital dashing into stores through smashed glass windows, stuffing stolen goods into cardboard boxes, plastic buckets, and shopping carts. One man was seen lugging an entire chest freezer away on his shoulders.

But then about five days after the looting started, a local pastor in Papua New Guinea gave the following report:

These days a curious phenomenon is taking place: the people who participated in the looting of recent days in Port Moresby are returning the looted goods. The appeals from the police and also from some [church leaders] are having a certain effect. Some parishes of Christian churches of different denominations got involved and declared: “Our doors are open for those who want to return stolen goods.” It is a kind of collective repentance, appealing to the Christian conscience of each citizen. I must say that something is moving, it is a sign of hope, a sign that the individual conscience is, in some way, illuminated by faith.

Editor’s Note: As you use this illustration keep in mind that although this story is true, there was not a massive movement to return looted items. The same is true in relationship with God, all have a conscience which at some point convicts them of sin, but only a few repent and turn to God.

Have you ever heard about "The Ant Death Spiral"? A fascinating NPR article describes this phenomenon. A particular species of army ant is utterly blind, so they get about by sniffing trails left by the ants in front of them. They, in turn, leave chemical trails of their own.

But, as the article notes, "the system works smoothly when everybody's going in a straight line in one direction. But when the lead ants start to loop, bad things can happen …. If the ant-in-front loops and intersects with its old trail, the whole crowd then turns in on itself and everybody gets caught in the endless circle." Another researcher wrote, “this circle is commonly known as a ‘death spiral’ because the ants might eventually die of exhaustion. It has been reproduced in laboratories and in ant colony simulations.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Theodore C. Schneirla, the scientist who first observed this behavior, was quick to point out "that ants get stuck in ways that we humans never do." I'm not so sure Schneirla is right about that.

Bitcoin is a digital currency that promises complete anonymity for user’s transactions on the web. Among the users of Bitcoin are speculators who hope to profit from its volatility. Others like to use Bitcoin hoping to escape from the control of governments and central banks. A third group are criminals who use Bitcoin because they think it can provide them with anonymity when they buy and sell illegal goods, such as drugs, weapons, and hacking tools.

Sarah Meiklejohn, a UC San Diego computer science grad student, began to fill the shelves of a storage room in a building of UC San Diego with strange, seemingly random objects. A Casio calculator. A pair of alpaca wool socks. An album by the classic rock band Boston on CD.

Sarah was conducting a novel experiment to test Bitcoin's anonymity. She challenged the notion that Bitcoin was an ideal way to conceal one's identity and money online. She aimed to prove that Bitcoin transactions could often be tracked, even by users who thought they were anonymous.

So, she used her random purchases to test her theory and recorded all her transactions on a spreadsheet and checked the blockchain's public records. Her goal was to find patterns that would expose the owners and spenders of Bitcoins. She was confident that she could link those addresses to real individuals or entities.

Meiklejohn manually tagged hundreds of addresses with her transactions, which were a tiny fraction of the whole Bitcoin network. But when she applied her tagging, chaining, and clustering methods to the immense Bitcoin blockchain, many of those tags revealed not just one address but a huge cluster owned by the same person. With just a few hundred tags, she identified more than a million of Bitcoin's pseudonymous addresses.

In their final paper, Meiklejohn and her coauthors stated their conclusions: The blockchain was not untraceable, but a transparent ledger could expose large portions of transactions among people, many of whom believed they were anonymous. After Meiklejohn's work, a new era of cryptocurrency tracing began, and they would not stay anonymous for long.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Hiddenness; Omniscience of God - The belief that sins can be concealed is as old as the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve mistakenly thought that they could hide from God. In the same way, many people today believe that they can hide their activities from God and that they can do whatever they want without accountability or penalty. Their misplaced confidence will lead them to a shocking day of judgment at the Great White Throne of the all-knowing God.

When police in North Yorkshire, UK arrested a man for drunk driving, their social media post announcing the arrest revealed a surprising source of intel – the man himself. The post said, “Well, it’s not every day that this happens. A suspected drunk-driver (willingly turned) themselves in to the police.”

According to authorities, the man dialed 999 on a Monday morning, gave the call handler his location, explained that he’d had a heavy weekend, and that he was drunk behind the wheel and doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Police quickly located his vehicle, a black transit van, and after administering a breathalyzer test found that his blood alcohol level was over three times the legal limit. He was swiftly arrested.

A similar situation arose in the United States in March 2023, where a motorist in Lancaster, Nebraska dialed emergency responders to report that a car almost collided into him driving the wrong way on the freeway, unaware that he himself was the wrong-way driver.

In both cases, officers were fortunate enough to arrest the offenders before any significant injuries occurred.

Possible Preaching Angles:

No matter how bad a situation someone may have gotten into, it’s never too late for them to admit they have done wrong and seek restoration and healing.

“The first duty of every soul is to find not its freedom but its Master” (P.T. Forsyth, 19th-century Scottish Theologian).

But who wants a master? The answer is: You do if you know what’s good for you. Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (not yet a Christian) has 40,000 hours of counseling under his belt, and here is what he says he learned from all that listening to people:

You don’t get away with anything. You might think you can bend the fabric of reality … and violate your conscience without cost. But that is just not the case; you will pay the piper. When you pay, you might not even notice the casual connection between the sin and the payment. People’s lives take a twist, and they go very badly wrong. And when you walk back though people’s lives with them, you come to these choice points where you meet the devil at the crossroads, and you find out that you went left, let’s say, and downhill, when you should have gone right and uphill. And now you’re paying the price for that.

According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, telecom companies have left behind a sprawling network of cables covered in toxic lead that stretches across the US. The toxic lead exists under the water, in the soil, and on poles overhead. As the lead degrades, it is ending up in places where Americans live, work, and play.

The lead can be found on the banks of the Mississippi River in Louisiana, the Detroit River in Michigan, the Willamette River in Oregon, and the Passaic River in New Jersey. The metal has tainted the soil at a popular fishing spot in New Iberia, Louisiana, at a playground in Wappingers Falls, New York, and in front of a school in suburban New Jersey.

There’s a hidden source of contamination—more than 2,000 lead-covered cables—that hasn’t been addressed by the companies or environmental regulators. These relics of the old Bell System’s regional telephone network, and their impact on the environment, haven’t been previously reported.

Lead levels in sediment and soil at more than four dozen locations tested exceeded safety recommendations set by the US Environmental Protection Agency. At the New Iberia fishing spot, lead leaching into the sediment near a cable in June 2022 measured 14.5 times the EPA threshold for areas where children play. “We’ve been fishing here since we were kids,” said 27-year-old Tyrin Jones who grew up a few blocks away.

For many years, telecom companies have known about the lead-covered cables and the potential risks of exposure to their workers, according to documents and interviews with former employees. They were also aware that lead was potentially leaching into the environment, but haven’t meaningfully acted on potential health risks.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In the same way, unconfessed and unaddressed sin or wounds from our past can leach toxins into our body and into the body of Christ.

Jeremy Goodale and Willard Miller were recently convicted for the killing of Fairfield teacher Nohema Graber. Goodale told investigators that Miller was failing her Spanish class and was afraid he wouldn’t be able to go on a study abroad trip. Goodale and his accomplice, Willard Miller, pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the death of Graber, who disappeared on November 2, 2021, while walking in a local park. Her body was later discovered concealed under a tarp and wheelbarrow.

During the sentencing hearing, Barbara Graber delivered a victim impact statement expressing her readiness to free herself from haunting thoughts of Goodale and Miller. However, what stood out was the unexpected forgiveness extended to Goodale by members of the family. This is a decision that Barbara Graber, Nohema's former sister-in-law, hopes will aid their collective healing.

In a surprising turn of events, several family members expressed not only forgiveness but also prayers for Goodale. Other family members called the crime “a horrific act.” Several said they believed Goodale could have prevented the murder but instead had not only failed to act, but also participated. Yet several also told Goodale that they will be praying for him.

Goodale, in turn, tearfully apologized for his role in Nohema Graber's death. He acknowledged the irreparable loss caused by his actions and expressed regret for not considering the impact on Graber's family, the school, and the broader community. His sincerity was evident as he accepted responsibility and expressed a genuine desire for redemption. The judge stated, "Unlike your co-defendant, it’s clear to me you have regretted your role in Ms. Graber’s murder."

Ultimately, Goodale's 25-year minimum sentence with the opportunity for rehabilitation was seen by the prosecutor and the Graber family as a just outcome. The unexpected act of forgiveness highlighted the family's resilience and their belief in the possibility of redemption, even in the face of such a tragic loss.

Possible Preaching Angle:

The endless grace and mercy of God means that none of us are beyond forgiveness; therefore, living as a Christian means we must learn to forgive others in the way that God forgives us.

An ATM heist in Florida came unraveled when the masterminds apparently forgot the hefty machine would leave drag marks in the pavement. The result was a trail of bread crumbs that led police to a bucket truck conspicuously dragging an ATM on a North Florida highway, about 60 miles west of Jacksonville.

In their investigation of the theft, police in Lake City, Florida were led to a bucket truck on U.S. highway 90. The truck was unoccupied, but there were two major signs connecting the truck to the theft. The first, most obvious clue was the sight of the missing ATM itself. But the second clue was almost as obvious.

“Drag marks could be seen on the asphalt leading through the Lake City Mall parking lot heading in a northeasterly direction,” police said in a subsequent report. “On-scene officers relayed the information to other responding officers. An officer observed a white utility truck traveling north, dragging an ATM.”

Because ATMs are notoriously heavy, often weighing nearly 2,000 pounds, the truck was unable to travel very fast or far. It only made it about a half-mile up the highway before its occupants left it on the side of the road. They apparently heard the sound of approaching sirens, and fled to a nearby wooded area. Despite support from nearby drones and other air units, the suspects were neither identified nor located.

Claude Vincent Griffin, 33, was arrested in early June after being identified in security footage of a burglary at a phone repair shop. Griffin was seen breaking the glass of a display case and pocketing several items. His feeble attempt at avoiding identification was foiled when the cardboard box he was wearing on his head tipped over and fell off.

Once Jeremias Berganza, the owner of Irepair Tech, saw Griffin’s face on the security footage, he immediately began asking around the shopping plaza if anyone had seen the man. Griffin was spotted shortly thereafter drinking with friends outside a nearby liquor store.

Police responded to Berganza’s call and arrested Griffin, charging him with grand theft, burglary, criminal mischief, cocaine possession, and resisting an officer without violence. According to Berganza, Griffin stole 19 iPhones and about $8,000 in cash, totaling about $15,000 in losses.

Possible Preaching Angle:

A thief might think that their disguise will protect them. But eventually, all masks will be stripped off and all deeds will be revealed before God’s throne of justice.

Eight-year-old Aryanna Schneeberg was playing in her backyard near Milwaukee, Wisconsin, when she was struck in the back with an arrow. A neighbor was attempting to shoot a squirrel, but his weapon missed its intended target and instead penetrated the child’s lung, spleen, stomach, and liver. She bears the scars that come with surviving such an injury.

We ought to think of Aryanna every time we hear a preacher explaining the Greek word for sin, hamartia, as “missing the mark.” Like most pulpit clichés, this one points to something that’s partly right. The problem, though, is that … we think of a bucolic setting where we are shooting our arrows toward a target on a bale of hay. The metaphor is almost comforting: We see ourselves not as criminals or rebels but as being off our game now and then. We reach into our quiver for one more chance to get it right.

That’s not how the Bible describes sin. The Bible says sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4). When it categorizes sins, it consistently does so in terms that imply both perpetrators and victims: enmity, dissension, oppression of orphans and widows, adultery, covetousness. In that light, sin is less like target practice on some isolated piece of countryside and more like loosing arrows on a city sidewalk in the midst of a pressing crowd. All around us are bodies, writhing or dead, struck down by our errant arrows.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In a sermon on sin, a preacher might also quote the Puritan John Owen: “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.” That’s true too. And yet it doesn’t quite say enough: Our sin might also be killing those around us. “The wages of sin is death,” the Bible tells us (Rom. 6:23). That death might not simply be one’s own, but also one’s neighbors.

Author Pete Greig shares the following story in How to Pray: A Simple Guide for Normal People:

I was walking the darkened streets near our house one night, reviewing the day before bed, remembering how I'd driven Sammy [my wife] and the boys to the cinema and how someone had cut us off. I'd yelled at him. Sammy had yelled at me. I'd yelled at Sammy. Hadn’t she seen how dangerously the other guy was driving? Had she forgotten that we had vulnerable children in the car? Didn't she know there was such a thing as righteous anger? She'd gone silent.

We arrived at the cinema. The film had been great. Life had moved on. No big deal. But now in the stillness of these darkened streets, as I returned to that moment, it seemed that God was siding with my wife. I sighed. "Okay, I'm sorry. I admit it: I lost my temper. I shouldn't have yelled at that driver. Lord, help me to be more patient tomorrow."

There was a pause before I sensed him telling me to apologize to our sons. This thought annoyed me, and I found myself protesting. "That's ridiculous. You're making this bigger than it is. My kids don't need me to apologize. They won't even remember such a trivial incident. Do you have any idea what the traffic is like around here?"

Ten minutes later, I was sitting on Hudson's bed. "Son, I just want to say sorry to you for something. Do you remember me yelling at that man on the way to the cinema?" Immediately, he nodded. "I shouldn't have done that. Mum was right. Christians are supposed to be patient and kind. I set you a bad example. That's not how I want you to grow up and treat people. I'm sorry." Right away, he put his arms around my neck and squeezed me tight. "That's okay, Dad.”

A minute later, I was in the room next door, making the same speech to Danny, and the same thing happened. He immediately knew exactly what I was talking about. He hadn't forgotten either. He listened to my apology and didn't think it was crazy. He hugged me and told me it was okay. It's a silly, mundane story, and that's the whole point. We are changed--conformed into the likeness of Christ--through a thousand small choices like these.

A man driving a car suspected to be stolen was injured in a head-on collision on a local freeway. Authorities say that 30-year-old Kyle Voltz was driving an SUV when he crashed into a police cruiser and then sped out of a North Portland parking lot. Eventually the suspect was spotted driving south in the northbound lanes of Interstate 405, eventually crashing into another vehicle near an overpass.

Both the driver and a passenger in the suspected stolen vehicle suffered serious injuries; the occupants of the other vehicles were not injured as seriously. The sheriff’s deputies in the vehicle that was rammed were not injured.

Voltz faces several charges, including first degree assault, felony hit-and-run, and reckless driving. He has previous convictions for identity theft and possession of heroin and methamphetamines.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Those who sin are heading in the direction of consequences and punishment. The gospel calls all lawbreakers to repentance (literally “to change their minds”) about the direction of their lives.

A body inside a barrel was found in May of 2022, on the newly exposed bottom of Nevada's Lake Mead, as drought depletes one of the largest US reservoirs. Officials predicted the discovery could be just the first of more grim finds. Las Vegas police Lt. Ray Spencer said, "I would say there is a very good chance as the water level drops that we are going to find additional human remains."

The lake's level has dropped so much that the uppermost water intake at drought-stricken Lake Mead became visible. The reservoir on the Colorado River behind Hoover Dam has become so depleted that Las Vegas is now pumping water from deeper within Lake Mead, which also stretches into Arizona.

Personal items found inside the barrel indicated the person died more than 40 years ago in the 1980s. Officials declined to discuss a cause of death and declined to describe the items found, saying the investigation is ongoing. Police plan to reach out to experts at the University of Nevada to analyze when the barrel started eroding. The Clark County coroner's office will try to determine the person's identity. Boaters spotted the barrel Sunday afternoon. National Park Service rangers searched an area near the lake's Hemenway Harbor and found the barrel containing skeletal remains.

In the days of the Russian revolution, the Soviet state tried to stamp out Christianity and convert everyone to atheism. A popular Russian comedian developed a stage act in which he played a drunken Orthodox priest. Dressed in wine-stained robes, he did a comic imitation of the ancient but beautiful liturgy.

Part of his performance was to chant the Beatitudes. But he used distorted words—such as “blessed are they who hunger and thirst for vodka” and “blessed are the cheese makers”—while struggling to remain more or less upright. He had done his act time and again and been rewarded by the authorities for his work in promoting atheism and in making worship seem ridiculous.

But on one occasion things didn’t go as planned. Instead of saying his garbled version of the Beatitudes in his well-rehearsed comic manner, he chanted the sentences as they are actually sung in a real Liturgy. His attention was focused not on the audience but on the life-giving words that were coming from the Bible, words he had learned and sung as a child. He listened to the memorized words and something happened in the depths of his soul.

After singing the final Beatitude, he fell to his knees weeping. He had to be led from the stage and never again parodied worship. Probably he was sent to a labor camp, but even so it’s a story of a happy moment in his life. He had begun a new life in a condition of spiritual freedom that no prison can take away. Whatever his fate, he brought the Beatitudes and his recovered faith with him. Truly, the Bible can change one’s life.

Author, songwriter, business owner, and professor Dave Yauk shares how after his life went into a tailspin, until he found Christ:

I was born and raised in a Christian home. My great-great-grandfather was Louis Talbot, one of the founders of Biola University’s Talbot School of Theology, and a preacher who worked closely alongside Billy Graham.

Yet despite this lineage of faith, I grew up as a “moralistic therapeutic deist.” I believed loosely in a divine mind that created the world, and I believed that this being would want us to be good and nice to each other. But I knew this “thing” wasn’t especially involved in my life.

I attended my family’s church until I was 11 years old. In that time, I acquired a certain cynicism about religion and ministry. In many ways, ministry became an idol in my home, and it often kept us from being a close family. Our home life was emotionally arid and devoid of intimacy, and I grew to hate whatever god would allow this.

Around age 17, I began my first serious romantic relationship. But this girl quickly became my idol. It only took a few months before I was pouring my anger onto her. I became what I had vowed never to become: an abuser.

My life went into a tailspin. I entered a 10-month depression. Not a day went by without thoughts of killing myself. I was desperate to learn how to love and be loved. So I studied psychology and read ancient holy books. One remained unopened: the Bible.

But one day, I opened a book that posed a question I couldn’t answer. The author asked, “Do you have a desire to be perfectly loved?” That’s impossible! No one can love us perfectly. And yet the author probed deeper, acknowledging that we still desire this sort of perfect love, even though no one on earth can provide it.

This was the first moment I ever entertained the possibility of a personal god. I finally opened my Bible, and almost instantly I came upon John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Suddenly it all made sense. I understood how Jesus differed from all the other religious leaders I’d encountered in my reading. Jesus sacrificed everything to come down to us!

In that moment I finally met Jesus. Becoming a Christian didn’t make my life any easier. Immediately after Christ entered my heart, he started dealing with my sin. He led me down the dark path of confronting my horrendous addictions. He revealed a stubborn tendency toward lying and deception and a violent temper burning with white-hot flames.

More and more, I came to understand why I needed Jesus’ love. It was one thing to receive the perfect love that every human being desires. It was quite another to know he had offered this perfect love while I was still a wretched sinner. When I contemplated the weight of the horror my sin had caused, it drove me to a deeper humility. The more I understood my status as a beloved son of God, bought by the precious blood of Jesus, the more I learned to welcome the Holy Spirit into my life as my comforter, counselor, convicter, and confidant.

Akron police officers, acting on a tip, responded to a location and made an arrest related to a previous theft that took place in a public park. By itself, the occasion was not particularly noteworthy, except for the item targeted in the theft--a 58-foot-long bridge.

Police arrested David Bramley at his property and recovered the composite-material span, which had been partially disassembled. Authorities say it was stolen from a field in Akron, where it had been in use until the early 2000s when it was removed for a wetlands project. Local officials had planned to reuse the bridge for another different project, but were shocked when they went to retrieve it. Initially, the treated deck boards had been removed; the following week, the entire span was gone.

Detectives allege that Bramley paid a local trucking company to crane-lift the bridge on and off a vehicle, which was subsequently driven to his property. Bramley’s arrest for felony theft was accompanied by the following statement:

Members of the Akron Police Department work tirelessly every day, to foster and strengthen relationships, while enhancing public trust throughout the community. Utilizing the spirit of those partnerships, detectives were able to help locate the stolen bridge and bring this investigation to a close.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Thieves harm not only the target of the theft, but society at large. Everyone in the community loses trust when a robbery occurs. But in the end, law enforcement ensures that justice prevails.

In an issue of CT magazine, Lisa Brockman shares her testimony of leaving the Mormon Church and became a born-again Christian:

As a sixth-generation Mormon girl, I believed that the Mormon Church was the one true church of God. I believed Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. By age six, I was convinced that having a temple marriage and faithfully obeying Mormon laws would qualify me to spend eternity in the highest heaven—the Celestial Kingdom. There, I would exalt into godhood and bear spirit children. This was my greatest dream.

But there were temptations to resist. Throughout high school, Mormon friends of mine began drifting into the world of partying. Alcohol seemed to release them from the striving and shame that comes with performance-based love. For three years I resisted, feeling like a pressure cooker of unworthiness waiting to explode. As a senior, I gave up resisting, I jumped into the party world with the same passion I brought to the rest of my life, funneling beer without restraint.

Yet even as I felt liberated from Mormon legalism, I didn’t waver from believing that the Mormon church was God’s true church. During my freshman year at the University of Utah, I met Gary. Gary told me he was a born-again Christian—I’d never heard of one. For the first month of our relationship we avoided the subject. Then, on a wintry December day, Gary cracked open the door of this conversation.

Gary asked, “How do you know Mormonism is true?” I had never heard this question before. He continued, “Have you looked into the historicity of Mormonism? How do you know that Joseph Smith is a true prophet of God? How do you know the Book of Mormon is God’s Word?” More questions that had never crossed my mind. Within minutes, my unease turned into terror. What had felt like a firm foundation was dissolving into quicksand.

Nevertheless, our affection for each other was growing, and we knew this lingering division needed to be addressed. So we agreed to study the Bible together. It only took one Bible study to send me into a tailspin. I was shocked to find several crucial disparities between biblical and Mormon teachings. For five months I battled with Gary and the Bible, defending Mormonism with passion. But my fortress began to crumble as I compared the historical authenticity of Mormonism and Joseph Smith with that of the Bible.

This was devastating and infuriating. At the same time, it opened my mind to the biblical view of my nature—sinful, not divine. It also opened my mind to better understand God’s nature—three persons in one God, the Father being Spirit instead of flesh and bones. The Mormon God was a man who worked his way into godhood. The biblical God had always been God, unchanging. I struggled to wrap my mind around this.

I saw, too, that God was inviting me to walk into his kingdom through trust in Jesus. Covered in Christ’s righteousness, I would always be worthy of the Father’s delight and presence. But rejecting the faith of my forebears and risking the wrath of my family terrified me. I wanted further assurance that I was right to take this plunge.

After five more months of research, I was still wrestling with the idea of a Trinitarian God. One day, as I sat in bed conflicted, God drew near to me in a vision. I saw a sea of people around Jesus, who sat on a throne. They bowed before him, singing, “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was, and is, and is to come.” As they worshiped, I fell to my face and wept. I received Jesus into my heart and walked into his kingdom. I was free of the shame that had suffocated me for 18 years.

On my 21st birthday, after consuming large quantities of alcohol, I spent the night fending off drunk guys who wanted to take me home. I steadied a friend’s forehead as she vomited into the toilet of a urine-soaked bathroom. I craved a different kind of life.

That same December night, I returned home and fell face-down before God. With fists clenched and tears streaming, I offered each addiction to him, inviting him to have his way in my heart, my mind, and my body. I asked him to free me to live fully surrendered to Jesus, the One who gives life.

When I awoke the next morning, I felt born again, as if God had performed a total heart and mind transplant. I was released from my addictions, and peace filled my entire being. The Mormon girl inside me breathed a sigh of relief. Set free from the burden of proving myself worthy, I rested in the arms of the One who had loved me enough to cover me with worthiness all his own.

Editor’s Note: Lisa Brockman is currently a staff member of Cru.