Counsel

Your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. In fact, a new study from the University of Rochester found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you.

Most people fear that difficult conversations will damage their relationships, so we avoid tough topics or sugarcoat our feelings. But research shows we’re wrong about the risks of being direct.

Scientists studied 214 couples, together an average of 15 years, and asked them to discuss something they wanted their partner to change. This is a conversation most people dread. Before talking, each person privately wrote down what they wanted to say, then had the conversation while researchers recorded what was actually shared.

The results? When people were more honest about their requests, both partners reported better emotional well-being and higher relationship satisfaction. What mattered more was that people actually were honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.

Three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well-being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time.

You don’t need perfect communication skills or complete agreement about what happened for honesty to help your relationship. You just need willingness to share authentic thoughts and feelings.

Rather than tiptoeing around sensitive topics, couples should lean into honest communication. The truth can set your relationship free, even when it’s hard to hear.

A Glamour magazinevideo asked a number of girls and women on advice they would want from an older person in their life. Here are some of the questions these young women asked:

How do you become who you are today?

What should I not stress about at 14-years-old?

What is the best way to make a decision?

Looking back on your life what did you find most valuable?

What do you do when you realize that your dreams are not actually going to happen?

How do you manage having kids, being married, and having a career?

What is the secret to living a happy life?

Is having children really worth it?

(What are the) secrets to a long and happy marriage?

You can watch the entire 2:30 minute video here.

Possible Preaching Angle:

It is important for mature women to be accessible to answer questions and serve as role models to the young women in our churches. “Older women, likewise, are to be …. teachers of good. In this way they can train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, managers of their households, kind, and submissive to their own husbands …” (Titus 2:3-5).

In the early days of World War II, the stress of the war began to take its toll on Winston Churchill, the Prime Minister of England. His wife Clementine grew alarmed. A member of Churchill’s inner circle told her that Churchill’s sarcastic and over-bearing manner was starting to discourage his inner circle of leaders. Clementine decided to speak the truth in love.

“My darling Winston,” she began in a letter, “I must confess that I have noticed a deterioration in your manner; and you are not so kind as you used to be.” She cautioned that in possessing the power to give orders and to sack anyone and everyone, “he was obliged to maintain a high standard of behavior—to combine kindness and if possible Olympic calm.” She reminded him that in the past he had been fond of quoting a French maximum, meaning, essentially, “one leads by calm.”

She continued: “I cannot bear that those who serve the country and yourself should not love you as well as admire and respect you.” But she warned, “You won’t get the best results by irascibility and rudeness. It will breed either dislike or a slave mentality.” She closed the letter with these words: “Please forgive your loving, devoted and watchful Clementine.”

Apparently, the letter got through to Winston. The next day people reported that he seemed remarkably at ease. He lay in bed, propped up by his bed rest as he gazed adoringly at his cat, Nelson, sprawled out peacefully at the foot of the bed.

New York Times columnist Kashana Cauley knows a little something about regrets. She wrote, “My friends and I got tattoos so we could feel dangerous. Not very dangerous, because very dangerous people went to jail, but slightly dangerous, like a thrilling drop of botulism in a jar of jelly.”

She explains in the piece that when it came time to select her first tattoo, she picked a design of Chinese characters that she was told meant “fame and fortune.” But then she had chat with an older Chinese-speaking woman in a university locker room when they were changing clothes.

“She asked me what I thought the Chinese characters on my shoulder meant, and I told her. Then she asked me what I was at school to study, and I said law. She frowned and told me the tattoo was better suited for someone in the arts — that I should hurry up and get into the arts. We both laughed.”

But Cauley thought it would be different when she got a tattoo of her own name. As an African American descended from slavery, her knowledge of family history doesn’t extend very far. But a friend told her once that her name meant something beautiful and significant in Arabic. As a result, she looked up an online Arabic translation of her name, and got that design as another tattoo.

And she was satisfied with her choice … until she wasn’t. “For a few years I walked around confident that I had finally restored some meaning to my name, until an Arabic-speaking friend spotted my tattoo at lunch. ‘What do you think it means?’ she asked.”

Her friend’s response surprised her. “Instead of complimenting me on the beautiful, permanent version of my name needled onto my arm, my Arabic-speaking friend paused. Apparently, tattoo No. 2 was actually one of those 404 error messages, when an online search comes up blank. So my arm said, more or less: ‘Result not found.’”

“As a reluctant pioneer in the field of bad tattooing, I spent years afterward stubbornly telling people it meant ‘the eternal search.’ It sounded more elegant than ‘I didn’t find a correct translation of my name on the internet.’”

Possible Preaching Angle:

We can avoid embarrassing mishaps by asking for the counsel of others to help guide us through the major decisions we make.

When a bank teller accidentally deposited $120,000 in the wrong account, the account’s owners went on a shopping spree. State police said a Montoursville, Pa., couple purchased an SUV, a race car, two four-wheelers, and a camper, as well as paying bills and giving $15,000 to friends.

Do they get to keep the money? Robert and Tiffany Williams’ bank contacted them after realizing the error and told them they had to return the money. But the Williamses didn’t have the money anymore, and the bank took them to court. Now they face felony theft charges. As they arrived at court on Monday, Robert Williams told a TV reporter, “All I’m going to say is we took some bad legal advice from some people, and it probably wasn’t the best thing in the end.”

Possible Preaching Angles: 1) Advice; Counsel; Guidance – Only following wise advice from godly friends will protect us from many costly mistakes; 2) Honesty; Integrity - While most of us will not be tempted by a large financial mistake by a bank, most of us must decide about the extra change we receive at the store or the mistaken refund by the IRS.

When it comes to bedtime, homework, or managing meltdowns, a growing number of families aren’t relying on their peers or parents: They’re turning to parenting coaches for one-on-one instruction. The coaches charge from about $125 to $350 a session. They meet with parents (in person, over the phone, or via Skype) to set goals and develop a plan to reach them.

Megan and Michael Flynn used to dread bedtime. Every night, the couple spent two stressful hours putting their preschooler and toddler to bed. With help, they cut that time in half. They did it by hiring a parent coach, who concluded they needed structure. Instead of caving into requests for book after book, they set a routine—and stuck to it. “Nighttime routines are such a struggle for so many people,” said Megan Flynn, “and it was just nice to have somebody give us strategies for it.”

The profession, virtually nonexistent 20 years ago, is one of the latest entries in the $1.08 billion personal coaching industry in the United States. It’s part of the broader American trend of hiring expert advisers to improve nearly every facet of life. You can hire a sleep coach, a financial coach, or a life coach. But the profession isn’t regulated, which leaves some parenting experts concerned about the advice offered. Others wonder why parents would shell out hundreds of dollars for suggestions they might easily get elsewhere.

Parenting coach Tina Feigal talked about her role, “Who is there for these parents?” she asked. “Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but there’s no training for it in advance.”

The group of retired friends who meet every Saturday morning at a Salt Lake City deli were growing tired of the same conversation each week. Sure, they were solving the world’s problems, but they wanted to share their wisdom beyond their friend group of seven. As a lark, they set up a card table at the nearby Salt Lake City’s farmers market and told people they were dispensing free advice. They even made a large banner: “Old Coots Giving Advice—It’s Probably Bad Advice, But It’s Free.”

To their surprise, people started showing up and sharing their problems. A lot of them. “Where can I find someone to love?” “Have I put in enough time at my new job to take a one-week vacation?” They also field questions about how to keep romance alive. "I always tell people that the first thing you do is put down your phone and start talking,” retiree Richard Klein said.

Each Saturday the “Old Coots” have taken on the issues of about 30 to 40 people who come by seeking their advice. “It’s a way for a person to get an outside opinion from somebody who has nothing to gain,” said member Tony Caputo. “Somebody told us the other day that we're the most popular attraction at the market. We always listen carefully and don't give gratuitous advice.”

“To be truthful, I’m not sure that any of us can claim to have much wisdom,” said 69-year-old John Lesnan “but it sure has been a lot of fun. Maybe all of us coots really do have more to offer than we thought.”

Possible Preaching Angle: Counsel; Elderly; Wisdom - The life experiences and wisdom of the elderly in our churches can be a valuable resource. Job said, “Is not wisdom found among the aged?” (Job 12:12). Churches can be well served by seniors who have spiritual maturity, humility, and a servant’s heart. The young would do well to ask their advice.

Ever find yourself yelling at the television while watching your favorite sports team? If so, you're not alone. Many of us even think we could do better than the actual coach of our team—daydreaming of our on-the field exploits, if we were just given a chance.

As remembered by ESPN, the owner of the St. Louis Browns once gave select fans their dream back in 1951, with "Grandstand Managers Night, perhaps the most wonderful, and certainly the most democratic, promotion in the history of baseball." Owner Bill Veeck passed out "Yes" and "No" cards to "fan-agers," intended to direct the team's strategy in response to cue cards held up from the field. While there were a few catches in operating with a vote-based strategy, the Browns won the game 5-3.

Possible Preaching Angle:

While pragmatism sometimes demands that decisions are consolidated, opening up decision-making in our lives to our community can offer perspectives we would not normally consider, wisdom we couldn't articulate for ourselves, and perhaps even a few pleasant surprises from the grandstands.

When do you not listen to the African wildlife expert? When he tells you to stand closer to a wild rhino.

That's what happened to a 24-year-old woman from South Africa. She was staying at the Aloe Ridge Hotel and Nature Reserve, about 25 miles from Johannesburg. The reserve advertises that it gives its guests "the ideal opportunity to game view," with rhinos listed among the animals "sighted at close range," along with hippos, Cape buffaloes and giraffes. Unfortunately, Chantal Beyer, one of the guests at the reserve, got a little too close.

Game park owner Alex Richter had reportedly told a group of visitors it was safe to get out of the safari vehicle to take photos, and he even used food to coax the rhinos closer.

A relative of Ms. Beyer told reporters, "There were quite a few young people on the vehicle and they probably felt they could trust Richter, who was an adult."

As the game park owner was snapping pictures, he advised Chantal to "stand just a little bit closer" seconds before the attack. Photos show Beyer and her husband only feet away from two rhinos.

The paper said that just after the photo was snapped, the rhino attacked, and its horn penetrated Ms. Beyers' chest from behind, resulting in a collapsed lung and broken ribs. The Aloe Ridge Hotel and Nature Reserve, where the incident took place, declined to comment.

Possible Preaching Angles: (1) Sin, Temptation—Getting too close to sin may lead to unintended and painful consequences. (2) Advice, Counsel, False Doctrine—Use discernment when given advice. Even alleged "experts" can give foolish advice.

Gordon McDonald, at the passing of a lifelong mentor, recalled his loyalty and the crucial counsel he gave in a crisis:

He was there when, many years later, my life fell apart because of a failure for which I was totally responsible. In our worst moments of shame and humiliation, he came and lived in our home for a week and helped us do a searing examination of our lives. We will always remember his words: "You are both momentarily in a great darkness. You have a choice to make. You can—as do so many—deny this terrible pain, or blame it on others, or run away from it. Or, you can embrace this pain together and let it do its purifying work as you hear the things God means to whisper into your hearts during the process. If you choose the latter, I expect you will have an adventurous future modeling what true repentance and grace is all about."

I discovered the importance of healthy counsel in a half-Ironman triathlon. After the 1.2 mile swim and the 56 mile bike ride, I didn't have much energy left for the 13.1 mile run. Neither did the fellow jogging next to me. I asked him how he was doing and soon regretted posing the question.

"This stinks. This race is the dumbest decision I've ever made." He had more complaints than a taxpayer at the IRS. My response to him? "Goodbye." I know if I listened too long, I'd start agreeing with him.

I caught up with a 66-year-old grandmother. Her tone was just the opposite. "You'll finish this," she encouraged. "It's hot, but at least it's not raining. One step at a time…don't forget to hydrate…stay in there." I ran next to her until my heart was lifted and my legs were aching. I finally had to slow down. "No problem." She waved and kept going.

Which of these two describes the counsel you seek?

Chiropractor Perry Hefty and his wife, Arlys, wanted to be in what they considered "ministry" for many years. One day when Perry was crying out to God about this deep desire, he heard God speak: "Begin with what you have."

So instead of getting the $2.5 million he would have needed to start a healthcare ministry and retreat center for missionaries, pastors, and other full-time Christian workers, Perry started doing what he could: giving free chiropractic services to Christian workers who were in financial and physical need. That was in 1994. Since that time, Perry's office has given away hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of services—about a third of his business—to help restore physical, and often spiritual, health.

"Many of the missionaries and Christian workers who came to the office were deeply discouraged," says Perry. "But they felt they needed to put on a bright and happy face so they could raise ministry support. So we dedicated ourselves and our facility to being used by the Lord to heal and restore his people." Perry and Arlys prayed for people in the office, encouraged them, and counseled them, often building relationships that continued long after treatment ended.

When Perry constructed a new office building in 1999, he and a prayer team prayed over the land, the building project, and the business and ministry that would take place there. Even after they moved into the building, Perry says he often stayed late to anoint the doorways with oil and pray for the people who would come in the next day.

"Patients noticed the difference. They would often comment, 'Wow, it just feels so peaceful here,'" Perry says.

The Heftys still dream of building that Christian retreat center. But in the meantime, they've learned that God is happy to use them to minister, whatever business they're in.

An attorney named Marty, while working out in a gym, became friends with a fellow who was there lifting weights. The attorney's new friend, Vernon Grounds, turned out to be a professor, seminary president, and counselor.

The attorney's marriage was crumbling. His wife wanted a divorce. After a while he decided to talk with Vernon. As the two discussed things, Vernon had him draw up a list of options on a piece of paper: 1. Stay in the marriage. 2. Separate temporarily. 3. Divorce.

Then, since desperate events had driven Marty to consult his new friend, Vernon urged him to add Number 4. Suicide.

Then he said matter-of-factly, "And, of course, there is murder."

Not many things can shock a practicing trial lawyer, but this got his undivided attention. He began to object. "That never entered my mind."

"Come now, Marty. You mean to tell me that a lawyer, who's spent as much time in the courts as you have, does not know someone who will kill for money? Surely the thought has crossed your mind."

The attorney said later, "Vernon may as well have clubbed me with a baseball bat. He was right—, the name of such a person was instantly in my mind."

"Write it down," he said.

Then Vernon took the list and said, "Can we agree that, as Christians, murder is not a viable choice?"

Marty nodded.

"Can we also agree as Christians that self-murder, or suicide, is not a viable choice?" They went on to discuss the Christian alternatives.

The whole exchange was so shocking that a decade later the attorney reflected, "I was in dire need of a serious dose of reality, and Vernon knew exactly how to deliver it."