Courtship

Every real-life love story has a beginning of how they met, but the important part is when you realize that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Gifts and memorable dates are nice, but when you hear about that moment, it's usually when your significant other shows their kindness. These things aren't usually romantic, but it gives you a glimpse into their character.

A question was posed on the subreddit Ask Women: “What's the moment with your partner that confirmed that you're gonna spend your life with them?” These stories will brighten your day, and maybe raise your standards for finding a partner (or appreciating the one you have).

#1: We had just started dating in college and were driving on the interstate when we saw two old ladies and an old man who had run out of gas on the side of the road. My now-husband drove to a gas station, filled up a container and got them back on the road. I didn’t realize until then that the quality I was looking for in a partner was kindness. We’ve been together 50 years.

#2: When he learned my native language to be able to communicate with my parents.

#3: I worked an extremely stressful job. I had what felt like no free time at all and my car needed some things done. I felt so stressed about it. One day he offered to drive me to work and I happily agreed. While I was at work, he changed my taillight, changed the wipers, and detailed the car. I was at a point in my life where multiple compounded stressors made me numb to emotion. I cried when he picked me up in my car, and I saw all the things he'd done. I knew that moment that he was my forever partner.

#4: We had a long distance for most of our relationship. I had a really bad day at work. He called me when I was finished and told me to walk to a place 5 minutes away. I was confused. I went anyway out of curiosity. I called him back and said what am I meant to be looking for? He told me to turn around and he was standing behind me. Unbeknown to me he had spoken to his boss and taken the afternoon off work. He drove three hours just to come and give me a hug. We had dinner together and then he had to drive home. I was so overwhelmed by how thoughtful it was I cried. I knew from that day that I wanted to marry him.

Married people average 30 percentage points more happy than unmarried Americans. So, there’s a lot at stake when one swipes left or right. In an article for The Free Press, Rob Henderson lays out a gaggle of unexpected statistics on the self-selective narrowing of the dating pool that cumulatively suggest something bleak. As dating has become hyper-optimized toward one’s desires, it’s had the effect of making relationships harder. His solution? Stop swiping and settle down:

Previous generations didn’t have many options, so they stuck together through hard times and made it work. Now, abundance (or its illusion on dating apps) has led people to feel less satisfied. People are now more anxious about making a choice and less certain that the one they made was correct.

One classic study found that consumers were more likely to buy a jam when they were presented with six flavors compared to 30. And among those who did make a purchase, the people presented with fewer flavors were more satisfied with their choice.

These two factors — demanding more of your partner and understanding that abundance is not always favorable or desirable — should be a lesson that will guide us toward healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Shutting off the dating apps and reducing our choices will actually give us a greater appetite for love.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Of course, this advice makes a whole lot more sense if one understands love to be self-giving for the benefit of another, as opposed to something like self-fulfillment.

Online dating is so last year.

According to a report, popular dating apps have seen a major dip in usage in 2024, with Tinder losing 600,000 Gen Z users, Hinge shedding 131,000 and Bumble declining by 368,000.

Millennials and older generations seem to be holding steady with these apps, with nearly 1 in 10 adults on at least one dating app. But for Gen Z, they’re increasingly over the limited online options.

“Some analysts speculate that for younger people, particularly gen Z, the novelty of dating apps is wearing off,” Ofcom said in its annual Online Nation report.

According to experts, Gen Z seems to be more interested in meeting people IRL instead of finding them through an app. The idea of a “meet cute,” first popularized in every rom-com ever, has become a growing trend online. Accounts like @MeetCutesNYC, which boasts over a million followers, post videos of the various ways that couples have found each other.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Although in Bible times marriages were most often arranged by the parents, there are examples of “chance meetings” when couples met and fell in love that can be used for today’s singles. Some examples are Moses and Zipporah (Exodus 2:16-22), Jacob and Rachel (Genesis 29:1-14), and Ruth and Boaz (Ruth 1-3).

The Hallmark and Lifetime networks are known for their holiday movies each year. They bring in impressive television ratings, perhaps aided by how easy they are to leave on while, say, baking cookies.

They also have something of a reputation for following a very specific story line. For example, a recently dumped, high-powered female executive from the city finds new love, purpose, and appreciation for Christmas in a small town with the help of a handsome local fellow.

So just how formulaic are these movies? The New York Times analyzed all of them available up to January 2024. The analysis asked: Do they all have a happy ending? The article concluded:

Do you even have to ask? In many endings, the woman does leave her job and the city in favor of the town (and her new man). But there were a couple of twists within the standard happy ending. For instance (spoilers ahead), in ‘Jingle Bell Bride’ (2020), a New York City wedding planner in search of a rare flower meets a handsome botanist in rural Alaska. But he’s the one who ends up following her back to the big city.

And in “A Glenbrooke Christmas” (2020), a woman taking over her family’s Los Angeles-based real estate company does decide to move to a small town to be with a fire chief. But she will still operate as C.E.O. remotely!

One Hallmark executive said, “We always say that whatever our woman’s path is, that her relationship is icing on the cake. If she’s career driven, or there’s some goal that she has, that’s what she’s going for.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Marriage; Relationship – In life in general and marriage in particular—happy endings are almost never this easy or simple. There is usually suffering and disappointment, but the Lord can cause us to grow through these trials.

New Pew Research Center data has found that nowadays, 63% of men under 30 are electively single, up from 51% in 2019—and experts blame erotic alone-time online as a major culprit. Psychologist Fred Rabinowitz “[Young men] are watching a lot of social media, they’re watching a lot of porn, and I think they’re getting a lot of their needs met without having to go out. I think that’s starting to be a habit.”

The new, post-COVID numbers would surely back up previous research that the pandemic has made men prefer an evening alone instead of actually meeting a partner. 50% of single men responded that they are “looking for a committed relationship and/or casual dates,” a decrease compared to 61% four years ago.

But these statistics tell a sadder truth about this generation of men, NYU psych professor Niobe Way said. “We’re in a crisis of connection. Disconnection from ourselves and disconnection from each other. And it’s getting worse.”

Another factor at play might be the interests of women are changing—especially as suitors of the same age are becoming apparently less desirable. [Women would] rather go to brunch with friends than have a horrible date.

But perhaps the largest issue now with young men is that they are more lonely than women, a recent study showed. In the early 1990s, 55% of men were reported to have six or more close friends. That percentage dwindled down to 27% in 2021. Now, 15% of men say they have no close personal friendships.

University of Akron professor Ronald Levant said, “Women form friendships with each other that are emotionally intimate, whereas men do not. Even while not dating, [women] have girlfriends they spend time with and gain emotional support from.”

A steady diet of romantic sitcom movies sets us up to be disappointed with the imperfect love of spouses or family.

That's the conclusion lead researcher Kimberly Johnson came to after exploring the influence romantic comedies have on us. Johnson and her researchers at Heriot Watt University in Edinburg, Scotland, sought to determine if romantic comedies influence how we view love, sex, and marriage.

They examined 40 box office hits between 1995 and 2005, such as Runaway Bride, Notting Hill, You've Got Mail, Maid in Manhattan, and While You Were Sleeping. Her conclusion was that watching these films harmed love lives by creating wildly unrealistic expectations.

Is it possible to make an idol—or even a whole religion—out of romantic love? Consider the lines from these popular songs:

Gonna build my whole world around you. … You're all that matters.
~~ The Temptations, "You're My Everything."

If we believe in each other [there's] nothing we can't do.
~~ Celine Dion, "Love Can Move Mountains"

You're my religion, you're my church.
You're my holy grail at the end of my search.
~~ Sting, "Sacred Love"

She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent is when I'm alone with you.
~~Hozier, "Take Me to Church"

When scientists studied the brain chemistry of the newly love struck they found that certain chemicals are elevated when love is new. Researchers at the University of Pavia, for instance, found that levels of nerve growth factor (NGF)—a protein that maintains the health of neurons—were higher in people who had reported just falling in love when compared to single people or those in long-term relationships. After about a year, though, the subjects' NGF levels fell back to a normal level.

But after the first years of wedded bliss, some discontentment seems to follow. A poll of 5,000 married couples found that men and women begin to take their marriage for granted after two and a half years. Half the couples surveyed for the 2008 study reported that they felt undervalued at the 2.5 year mark. The majority of the men said they stopped picking up after themselves, while the women were no longer making an effort to look nice for their spouse. A 2011 survey of married couples found that irritation peaks at the 3-year mark. More than two-thirds of all of those surveyed said that little quirks, which were seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love, became major annoyances at 36 months.

A writer recently created a fictitious and utterly horrible dating profile as an experiment. The goal was to create a persona so offensive—racist, manipulative, shallow, cruel, and annoying—that no man would consider dating her. For instance, on typical Friday night this fictitious 25-year-old woman from California loves "knocking the cups out of homeless people's hands." Here's her self-summary: "I'm a Goddess and I do ME!"

But even this worst possible dating profile still received over 150 interested men—likely because the profile picture was of an attractive young woman.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Apparently, many of us are so desperate for relationship that we are willing to overlook major character flaws to be in one. What does this say about our hearts' longing for love?

The New York Times reported on a major study that tracked 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over the course of 15 years. The article reported that "newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost that lasts, on average, for just two years. Then the special joy wears off and they are back where they started, at least in terms of happiness." These findings have been confirmed by several more studies.

Christian author Gary Thomas illustrates these findings by using the image of an hourglass. Thomas says,

The moment you become smitten by someone—the second you find yourself deeply "in love"—is the moment that hourglass gets turned over. There is enough sand in that hourglass, on average, to last you about twelve to eighteen months. On occasion, the sand may trickle down a bit beyond that, up to about two years, but never by much and not with the same intensity. The average life span of an infatuation is almost always less than two years.

Yes, sexual chemistry and romantic attraction can remain [or be revived, but those romantic feelings will be revived, but they cease to be the main glue that holds a relationship together on a day-to-day basis. Feelings become "warm and dependable" more than "hot and excitable." God simply did not design our brains to sustain a lifelong infatuation.

Possible Preaching Angles: (1) Marriage; Dating; Premarital Counseling—This is a great example for the need to develop a long-term commitment in marriage. (2) God's Love; God, covenants of—This illustration could also be used to contrast our limited human love with God's everlasting covenant love—that is, God doesn't have an hourglass!

Scholars from the Institute for American Values conducted a survey, "Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Looking for Mr. Right," that asked 1,000 college women about courtship in the new millennium. The survey found that courtship—dating a male with the hopes of finding a lifelong mate—has been replaced by "hooking up." Hooking up with a male partner usually is fueled by alcohol and entails engaging in sexual activity. Forty percent of the women surveyed admitted to hooking up with men, and one in ten disclosed they'd done so at least six times.

Elizabeth Marquardt, co-author of the report, says, "[The women] wish they could really get to know a guy without necessarily having a sexual relationship." This survey was conducted after the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University released a report in 1999 that concluded that Americans are marrying far less, and those who do marry are less happy.

According to pop singer/actress Madonna: "You really have to get to know someone. Courtship, the whole idea of courtship, is such a boring, dated thing, but I am a big fan of it. I think most of the relationships I've had that have not worked out, or had started really passionately and then crashed and burned, were because I didn't spend enough time getting to know the person."

I am none of those insane lovers who embrace also the vices of those with whom they are in love, where they are smitten at first sight with a fine figure. This only is the beauty that allures me: if she is chaste, if not too fussy or fastidious, if economical, if patient, if there is hope that she will be interested about my health.

Albert Einstein had a wonderful way with words when wooing women. Check out these love lines from Mr. E=MC2 to the gal he would eventually marry, Mileva Maric:

"If only you were with me! We understand so well each other's souls, and also drinking coffee and eating sausages, etc."

Dating doesn't train young people for marriage; it prepares them for divorce. Dating typically involves a series of short-term relationships. Even those who end up with a solid marriage often have to deal with a lot of painful emotional baggage from previous dating relationships.

"A lot is said these days of abstaining from sex before marriage, but there is a great need for emotional abstinence as well. Courtship in the context of the family enables young people to get to know each other and yet still maintain their physical and emotional integrity."

Our daughter, Julie, met a young man, Mark, while they were working on a ranch in Colorado. After Julie came home, Mark decided to pursue the relationship and came to visit her.

Our pastor, while greeting visitors from the pulpit, welcomed the young man who was "Julie's future husband." Embarrassed, Julie leaned over and whispered, "I'm sorry, Mark."

Mark whispered back, "Why?"

She replied, "Because, you've never asked me to marry you."

He said, "Will you?"

She said, "Yes," and suddenly they were engaged.

They were married in that same church.

I believe most Christians don't subscribe to the legitimacy of singleness. I am convinced that is the reason for so much pain and hurt in the church about that issue. Directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly, we have ascribed to the conviction that singles are unfinished business. We say in groups and in private conversations, "Aren't you married yet?"

"What's a nice girl like you doing unmarried?"

"What you need is a good wife."

"Found anybody to date yet?"

"I'm praying the Lord will lead you to a good guy."

"It's too bad he's not married."

Parents say that; relatives say that. Family reunions apparently are notorious for saying those kinds of things. Books and articles are written from a Christian viewpoint that say, "If you will only commit your life to Christ, God will give you a marriage partner." Christ never said that. He said he will lead you to a life of meaning and purpose and fulfillment. He never said he would give you marriage. He's more concerned about other things.

We need to accept the legitimacy of singleness. Simple mathematics say there are more women than men in this world, and there always will be. We need to accept it because there are some people whose circumstances involve singleness, and they have no opportunity to change. Others prefer not to change. We need to accept the legitimacy of singleness primarily because the Bible does. We have not read the Bible as carefully as we should about that.