Flattery

Research reveals that Gen Z employees aren't fooled by the "compliment sandwich" approach to feedback. While this technique aims to soften criticism with praise, it can often backfire. Young people are more concerned with whether they're perceived as competent than with receiving positive reinforcement. They crave genuine validation and respect, not patronizing compliments.

The compliment sandwich is meant to create an atmosphere of safety and security. But if the praise is for something seemingly unimportant, it won’t address a young person’s fears of unworthiness. Rather, it may be seen as condescending, which can confirm anxieties about being seen as a rube. Studies show that young people are especially hungry for signs of social status and respect, so they are especially insulted when they sense they are being talked down to.

There is, in fact, a simple but effective solution. Instead of the baloney sandwich, consider "wise feedback." This approach involves delivering honest, constructive criticism with an underlying belief in the individual's potential. By framing feedback as a tool for growth, you can help young people overcome their fears of inadequacy and strive for excellence.

Possible Preaching Angle:

The Apostle Paul is a great example of putting this principle into practice in the church. He was honest about both the strengths and weaknesses of the people he addressed without flattery. His criticism is always motivated by love for people. He always offered hope for the future, encouraging them to change and grow.

Mike Krzyewski, the men's basketball coach for Duke University since 1980, is basketball's all-time winningest coach. Most people know him as just "Coach K." But he's not just a coach; he's also a genius at creating teamwork. Here's one of his keys to success:

In our program, the truth is the basis of all that we do. There is nothing more important than the truth because there's nothing more powerful than the truth. Consequently, on our team, we always tell one another the truth. We must be honest with one another. There is no other way.

Toward the end of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, there's a scene where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are about to break the rules and leave their dormitory after-hours to stop the bad guy from stealing a powerful magic artifact. Before they leave, though, they must face none other than Neville Longbottom, a rather bumbling, ineffective student in their class. "You're sneaking out again, aren't you?" Neville asks. "I won't let you. You'll get [our classmates] into trouble again." He fails to stop them, and Harry and his friends manage to stop the villain. But, surprisingly, at the end of the year banquet, headmaster Dumbledore gives the greatest honor to Neville. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies," he explains, "but just as much to stand up to our friends."

Although Neville never becomes truly close with Harry, Ron, or Hermione, he still stumbled across two of the key traits of a friend or an accountability partner: the ability to recognize patterns of sinful behavior, and the courage to call the person out on them.

During his training to become a hospital chaplain, a man was surprised to learn of a phenomenon in the medical community widely known as "Mutual Pretense." In many cases, mutual pretense is something that takes place after the period of treatment for a particular patient has run its course and it's become clear to everyone that it's not working and the patient will die. Despite the fact that this the dark reality is clearly known by all parties involved, the doctor, patient, and family of the patient will often deal with the fact by talk about anything other than the fact that the patient is going to die. They'll talk about what will happen once they get out of the hospital, what they are going to do when everything gets better, about sports, about family—anything but the truth of the impending death.

Mutual pretense is a kind of survival mechanism that allows everyone to continue talking to each other while not having to actually talk about what's going on—like the brute reality of an impending death.

Possible preaching idea: (1) Speaking the truth in love—Church is not a place we go to escape from truth; it's a place where we to go discuss the truth about our lives, even when it's painful. (2) Bible; God's Word—God's Word speaks the truth into our lives.

After Reader's Digest nominated the actor Tom Hanks as "the most trusted man in the world" (in 2013), on the Late Show David Letterman asked Hanks what he's done to become so trustworthy. Hanks explained:

What do I do exactly to earn this trust? I'm honest because I tell people I'm lying to them. Because I'm in show business … somebody will send me a project and there is no way in [heck] I'm going to do it because it stinks and it's lousy and I don't want to do it. But I will say, "Doug, I'm lying to you right now, but I love this thing so much, I want to do it, but I can't because I have to publicize a movie in Japan. By the way Doug, I'm lying to you. The things I just said are lies, but don't you feel better?"

But then when I'm supposed to be in Japan to promote my new movie I turn up in the crowd at a [hockey] game and it kind of blows it. But then I tell him, "But, dude, I opened the conversation by saying, 'I'm lying to you.'"

Possible Preaching Angles: (1) Speaking the Truth in Love—shows the need to lovingly confront other people with the truth; (2) God's Word; God's Truth—this quote can also illustrate that God doesn't lie to us in order to make us feel good; he speaks the truth that sets us free.

"You speak the truth, that is plain: the Men of the Mark [that is, the men of Rohan] do not lie, and therefore they are not easily deceived."

—Eomer, a military leader of the people of Rohan, to Aragorn, king of Gondor, in The Lord of the Rings

Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it.

—Hank Ketcham, cartoonist and creator of Dennis the Menace

Winston Churchill was once asked, "Doesn't it thrill you to know that every time you make a speech, the hall is packed to overflowing?"

"It's quite flattering," replied Sir Winston. "But whenever I feel that way, I always remember that if instead of making a political speech I was being hanged, the crowd would be twice as big."

Oliver Cromwell, who took the British throne away from Charles I and established the Commonwealth, said to a friend, "Do not trust to the cheering, for those persons would shout as much if you and I were going to be hanged." Cromwell understood crowd psychology!

Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not to envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate.

At a wedding reception, I overheard a man being introduced to an attractive woman he had not met before. He said to her, "I don't know how old you are, but you surely don't look it!"

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody.

Funerals of pastors are solemn affairs. At times when I attend one, however, I am struck by a strange kind of irony. After a lifetime of ministry supposedly focused on grace, we bring the poor soul to his grave with eloquent eulogies and high tributes that give the lie to it all. All the deceased's good works are magnified and, of course, all shortcomings passed over.

I am often reminded at such times of Lincoln's remark at the burial of one of his generals "If he had known he'd get a funeral like this, he'd have died much sooner." It is our vexing temptation, isn't it, not only in death but throughout life. We think we are a gift to God himself instead of remembering that ordained ministry is a gift to us.