Infidelity

Generation Z isn’t convinced monogamy is the best relationship structure, and more than half of them are considering relationship styles long considered taboo in American culture.

New data from Ashley Madison, the dating website built for affairs, found Gen Z was over represented among new signups to the site, regardless of if they were married or not. In 2022 alone more than 1.8 million Gen Z joined (of which more than one million were from the U.S.) representing 40% of all signups.

More and more Gen Zers, like reddit user r/Marmatus, are sharing their experience of having non-monogamous relationships. Marmatus wrote:

It’s nice having the freedom to explore your sexuality safely and ethically with other people. The thought of going an entire lifetime only ever having one sexual partner is not something I’d choose for myself. There are only so many experiences that one person can give you.

Ashley Madison’s Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable said he thinks what makes Gen Z different when it comes to non-monogamy is the way this generation understands shame. He mentioned the prevalence of premarital sex–something that’s most Americans feel is no longer morally wrong. Studies have found that premarital sex is practically universal in America with 95% of survey respondents saying they had sex before they were married.

Leanne Yau, a relationship expert said,

What is it about exclusivity that is so precious to society, particularly given that infidelity is extremely common in monogamous relationships? I think the normalization of queer rights and kink becoming more mainstream and people exploring their desires has opened people to the transformative power of exploring your sexuality.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Sin has consequences, as God’s Word so clearly says. Any generation who thinks that it can live in defiance of God’s standards is headed for destruction. Both Sodom and the world of Noah’s day learned this difficult lesson by way of God’s judgment.

Americans talk a lot about sex. Anyone would think they’re having a lot of it. Instead, the opposite has happened. Young people are having less sex—and are less happy—than the married, churchgoing generation before them.

The Atlantic observed, “The United States is in the middle of a ‘sex recession.’ Nowhere has this sex recession proved more consequential than among young adults, especially young men.”

In 2018, the number of American adults who said they hadn’t had sex in the past year rose to an all-time high of 23 percent. (Imagine what that number looked like in 2021). Predictably, the demographic having the least sex is those older than 60. But those having the second-least amount of sex are 18 to 29. Today’s young people are having significantly less sex than their parents are.

Of the 20,000 college students surveyed by the Online College Social Life Survey from 2005 to 2011, the median number of hookups over four years was only five—and a majority of students said they wished they had more chances to get into a long-term relationship.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Secular, unchurched people are longing for what the Bible offers—a rich, satisfying approach to sex rooted in the union of lifelong marriage.

The New York Times' "Modern Love College Essay Contest" featured a "finalist" article by college senior Lauren Petersen. Ms. Peterson met Michael on a dating app where women make the first move. She wasn't looking for a relationship, let alone love. "Everything about us was temporary," she wrote. "We would talk a little, watch a little and then go to bed. In the morning, I would zip up my coat while he asked, 'Heading out?' I would nod and say, 'Thanks for the toast.' There was a rhythm to it. Monday night, pack my bag. Tuesday morning, walk home."

But then she broke the rules: she started to want more out of the relationship:

I started daydreaming about how the moonlight trickled in while he played me his jazz records, how he chuckled and buried his face in his hands after I explained my odd internships, and how he held up a picture of his family and described each of his brothers.

For a second, my future brimmed with Michael: his records, his quiet demeanor but abrasive sense of humor, his shamelessness in recounting the time he was struck with food poisoning at a hostel in San Francisco. Then another text appeared: "It's just that I'm apprehensive about the commitment." When I clarified that I didn't expect a long-term commitment, with our coming graduation, he expressed his real concern: "Monogamy." I wanted to leave the game behind and develop something special, if only for a short time. Yet Michael hesitated. It struck me that the "fling" was dead.

Petersen concludes on a sad note, longing for something more—true love:

A mere six weeks after our first date, we were over. I'd broken the rules; my glimmer of expressed affection had led to a fatal imbalance in the game. Feeling a little dispensable, I opened Bumble to pause my account. … A notification flashed, indicating that I had been right-swiped by a few people: 1,946 people. As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it turned out my sea held 1,946 of them. The "play again?" button glowed brighter than ever. And yet, almost comically, I wanted to date only one particular person.

After separating from her second husband, the actress Scarlet Johansson expressed her doubts about marriage. "I think the idea is romantic; it's a beautiful idea," she said, "[but] I don't think it's natural to be a monogamous person. It's a lot of work."

Although Johansson also stated that living together is a far cry from being married. "Anybody who tells you that it's the same is lying," she said. "It changes things. I have friends who were together for ten years and then decided to get married, and I'll ask them on their wedding day if it's different, and it always is. [Marriage is] a beautiful responsibility, but it's a responsibility."

Marriage therapist Lori Gottlieb claims that modern marriages are often fraught with incredibly high expectations, especially around sexual satisfaction. In other words, many married people churn with discontentment about how their spouse is not meeting their sexual needs. Today, Gottlieb says, we don't just want sex. It has to be sex that is "intimate," "transcendent" and "self-actualizing."

Even married couples who say they are satisfied with their sex lives often crave more. For example, Gottlieb mentions a study that asked participants who had had affairs why they did so. Fifty-six percent of the men and thirty-four percent of the women who admitted having affairs said they were "happy" or "very happy" in their partnerships, but cheated anyway.

Time magazine recently featured an article that asked, "Is monogamy over?" The article offered various opinions, including "monogamy is a charade" that leads to "institutionalizing dishonesty," and "[monogamy] is just an option, not the default," and "There's no right, there's no wrong." Time also featured Pastor Andy Stanley who offered this biblical view:

Monogamy is more like an endangered species. Rare. Valuable. Something to be fed and protected. Perhaps an armed guard should be assigned to every monogamous couple to ward off poachers. Perhaps not.

The value a culture places on monogamy determines the welfare of its women and children. Women and children do not fare well in societies that embrace polygamy or promiscuity. In the majority of cases, sexual freedom undermines the financial freedom of women. Sexual freedom eventually undermines the financial and emotional security of children.

If we are only biology, none of the above really matters … If we are only biology, monogamy was probably a flawed concept from the start. But very few of us live as if we are only biology … As a pastor, I've officiated my share of weddings and I've done my share of premarital counseling. I always ask couples why they are getting married. Survival of the species never makes the list.

The "I" and "You" that inhabit our bodies desire more than another body. We desire intimacy—to know and to be fully known without fear. Intimacy is fragile. Intimacy is powerful. Intimacy is fueled by exclusivity. So, no, monogamy is not obsolete. It's endangered.

An article in Vanity Fair contains some shocking quotes and vignettes about a website that connects people for the sole purpose of having sex. Marty, an investment banker from Manhattan, claims that he's been "racking up girls." He says he's slept with 30 to 40 women in the last year: "I sort of play that I could be a boyfriend kind of guy," in order to win them over, "but then they start wanting me to care more … and I just don't."

"It's like ordering Seamless," says Dan, another investment banker, referring to the online food-delivery service. "But you're ordering a person."

"There is no dating. There's no relationships," says Amanda, a senior at Boston College. "They're rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your 'boyfriend.' [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface."… It's a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less."

One of Amanda's friends chimes in, "Sex should stem from emotional intimacy, and it's the opposite with us right now, and I think it really is kind of destroying females' self-images."

The reporter says that none of the guys she spoke to want to be in a relationship. "I don't want one," says Nick. "I don't want to have to deal with all that—stuff." "You can't be selfish in a relationship," Brian says. "It feels good just to do what I want."

She asks them if it ever feels like they lack a deeper connection with someone. There's a small silence. After a moment, John says, "I think at some points it does." "But that's assuming that that's something that I want, which I don't," Nick says, a trifle annoyed. "Does that mean that my life is lacking something? I'm perfectly happy. I have a good time. I go to work—I'm busy. And when I'm not, I go out with my friends."

Elizabeth Edwards, the former wife of vice presidential candidate Senator John Edwards, described the agony she experienced when she learned of her husband's infidelities:

After I cried, and screamed, I went to the bathroom and threw up. And the next day John and I spoke. He wasn't coy, but it turned out he wasn't forthright either I felt that the ground underneath me had been pulled away.

I spent months learning to live with a single incidence of infidelity. And I would like to say that a single incidence is easy to overcome, but it is not. I am who I am. I am imperfect in a million ways, but I always thought I was the kind of woman, the kind of wife to whom a husband would be faithful. I had asked for fidelity, begged for it, really, when we married. I never need flowers or jewelry. I don't care about vacations or a nice car. But I need you to be faithful. Leave me, if you must, but be faithful to me if you are with me.

Possible Preaching Angles: (1) Marriage—of course the pain of infidelity applies to both men and women; (2) Spiritual Unfaithfulness—It's no coincidence that God often uses the analogy of marital infidelity to describe our unfaithfulness. God doesn't react exactly like Elizabeth Edwards, but Scriptures does reveal God's intense anger and even grief when we are unfaithful and idolatrous.

After reviewing a number of research studies, a few years ago Men's Health magazine summarized the following eight harmful effects of porn:

1) It is progressive. A 1985 study found that 92 percent of boys had looked at Playboy by age 15. Another study conducted over 20 years later (2008) found that 74 percent of 15-year-old boys had viewed highly graphic and deviant internet porn.

2) It creates unrealistic expectations. A Utah University study found that regular porn use creates longings and needs that are rarely met in real life relationships.

3) It can lead to casual sex. Paul Wright, Ph.D. at Indiana University concludes that men who regularly view pornography are more likely to engage in casual sex, have multiple partners, and cheat on their spouse.

4) It amplifies emotional problems. Dr. Ray Bergner, professor of psychology at Illinois State University, states that "the combination of normal sexual desire and using sex to cope with emotional problems" creates a "potent sexual cocktail" which drives an even deeper need to use porn to cope with emotional issues.

5) It creates unhealthy sexual bonds. William Struthers, Ph.D., author of Wired for Intimacy writes, "If you're viewing pornography, your partner is the screen in front of you." In other words, porn users are conditioning their brains to bond and attach to pornographic images, not a real partner.

6) It counterfeits true intimacy. Struthers says, "People think porn is about sex. It's not. It's about intimacy. The guy who can't find a girlfriend and starts looking at porn is searching for intimacy. He hasn't found it."

7) It disrupts real relationships. Norwegian and University of California studies have concluded that when only one partner is into porn an "unwelcome third party" has invaded the relationship.

8) It hurts your spouse. A 2011 study in the Archives of Sexual behavior found that 36 percent of women surveyed consider porn use as being unfaithful. More than 40 percent of women feel their partner's porn use means that she's "not good enough."

If you're sleeping with the person you're dating, you're telling each other two things. First, you're telling each other that your relationship with God is not your primary commitment. Second, you're telling each other that you are the kind of person that will sleep with someone you're not married to. Do you think that repeating vows to each other will somehow change that? It doesn't. You will enter into a marriage, if you end up marrying the person that you're sleeping with, already telling each other that you will sleep with someone you're not married to. What happens when he goes on business trips, or when she goes on business trips, and things come up? You already know that each of you is not first and foremost committed to God.

In 1896, a film called The Kiss outraged moral guardians by showing a couple stealing a quick kiss. "Absolutely disgusting," said one critic. "Such things call for police action." By the 1990s, prime-time network entertainment offered sexual remarks or behavior every four minutes. From their monitoring of network programs … Louis Harris and Associates estimated that the average viewer witnesses 14,000 sexual events annually. Nearly all involve unmarried people. An analysis of one week of network prime-time TV found that intercourse was mentioned or intimated by unmarried couples 90 times and by married couples once. Rarely are there any consequences. No one gets herpes or AIDS. No one gets pregnant. No one has to change diapers, get up in the middle of the night, or heroically struggle to socialize a fatherless child. In fact, more than two-thirds of the time (in another analysis of 220 scenes of unmarried sex) the activity is portrayed as desirable, [and] less than 10 percent of the time [sexual activity between unmarried adults is portrayed] as undesirable.

"Sex addiction" remains a controversial designation—often dismissed as a myth or providing talk-show punchlines thanks to high-profile [cases] such as … Tiger Woods. But compulsive sexual behavior … can systematically destroy a person's life much as addictions to alcohol or drugs can. And it's affecting an increasing number of Americans, say psychiatrists and addiction experts. "It's a national epidemic," says Steven Luff, coauthor of Pure Eyes: A Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity.

Reliable figures for the number of diagnosed sex addicts are difficult to come by, but studies suggest 3% to 8% of American adults, which translates to 6-24 million people, might be classified with sex addiction [Mayo Clinic Health System, Addiction Help]. Some sources report a higher number, like 21 million, but this might be due to a broader definition of problematic sexual behavior [Birches Health]. Some 1,276 sex therapists treating compulsive behavior are practicing today, up from fewer than 100, 20 years ago, say several researchers and clinicians, while dozens of rehabilitation centers now advertise treatment programs, up from just five or six in the same period.

The demographics are changing, too. "Where it used to be 40- to 50-year-old men seeking treatment, now there are more females, adolescents, and senior citizens," says Tami VerHelst, vice president of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. "Grandfathers getting caught with porn on their computers by grandkids, and grandkids sexting at 12."

Editor’s Note: Statistics have been updated as of 2024.

Gary Thomas tells the following story about a friend of his who was on a business trip:

After the sessions an attractive young woman knocked on his hotel door …. When he opened the door, she pushed through and walked right into his room.

"You can't be in here," he said.

"Why not?" she asked teasingly. "Are you scared?"

The woman started acting seductively. She made it very clear that she was available for any sexual favor of his choosing. When he insisted that she leave, she finally did something … [that] was over-the top provocative.

Immediately afterward, my friend wisely told two business associates exactly what happened …. My friend is a godly man, but he's human. He admits he slept very little that night …. He couldn't get this woman's words or related images out of his mind. He tossed and turned, thankful he hadn't fallen but exhausted from being so provoked.

Two months later, he returned to that city, working with the same company he had worked with on his previous visit—when the [same] young woman pulled him aside.

"We have to talk," she said.

My friend's heart started racing as he feared the worst …. Her first words put him at ease.

"I can't thank you enough for being the first man who has ever cared about me more than my breasts."

My friend learned that this woman had been abused earlier in life. She had been promiscuous ever since her early teen years, and because of her physical appearance no man had ever been willing to walk away from her advances. And so she kept reliving the moments of her deepest hurt.

"I'm going back to church," she told him. "I need to get my life back together. When I finally met a man like you who was more interested in me than in my body, it showed me how messed up I had become."

The Bible frequently describes God as a jealous lover. In his book titled Is God a Moral Monster?, Paul Copan asks the question, "When can jealousy be a good thing?" Here's part of his answer:

In God's case, it's when we're rummaging around the garbage piles of life and avoiding the source of satisfaction. It reminds me of a comic strip I once saw of a dog who had been drinking out of a toilet bowl. With water dripping from his snout, Fido looks up to tell us, "It doesn't get any better than this!" Instead of enjoying fresh spring water, we look for stagnant, crummy substitutes that inevitably fail us.

Copan goes on to comment:

A wife who doesn't get jealous and angry when another woman is flirting with her husband isn't really committed to the marriage relationship … . Outrage, pain, anguish—these are the appropriate responses to such deep violation. God isn't some abstract entity or impersonal principle … . We should be amazed that the Creator of the universe would so deeply connect himself to human beings that he would open himself to sorrow and anguish in the face of human rejection and betrayal.

John Edwards ran for his party's presidential nomination for the 2004 election and again for 2008. He did not win either nomination, but he was John Kerry's vice presidential running mate for 2004. In 2008, he admitted publicly to having an extramarital affair with a campaign worker. In the book Resilience, his wife, Elizabeth, writes about how her husband's adultery affected her.

When she and John were first married, she had pointedly asked him to be faithful. Her fear of having an unfaithful husband was formed to a large degree by seeing what her mother had experienced. Her mother suspected that her husband had been unfaithful, and though she never confronted him about it, she lived with a nagging, painful uncertainty for many years. Elizabeth learned about this as a teenager when reading her mother's journal, which she found one day in their home. Seeing how even the suspicion of unfaithfulness had tormented her mother's heart stamped Elizabeth's own heart.

Even so, she had great confidence in John's love for her. She had not been a suspicious wife. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, John stood by her during her treatment. In 2006, Elizabeth encouraged him to travel without her when necessary to pursue his political dreams. At this time Elizabeth did not know that soon after beginning the campaign her husband had begun an ongoing adulterous relationship with another woman. Then, on December 30, 2006, almost a year after beginning the ongoing affair, John admitted to his wife of 28 years that he had been unfaithful on one occasion.

Elizabeth writes:

After I cried and screamed, I went to the bathroom and threw up. And the next day John and I spoke. He wasn't coy, but it turned out he wasn't forthright either … . So much has happened that it is sometimes hard for me to gather my feelings from that moment. I felt that the ground underneath me had been pulled away. I wanted him to drop out of the race, protect our family from this woman, from his act … . I was afraid of her … .

I spent months learning to live with [what I thought was] a single incidence of infidelity. And I would like to say that a single incidence is easy to overcome, but it is not. I am who I am. I am imperfect in a million ways, but I always thought I was the kind of woman, the kind of wife to whom a husband would be faithful. I had asked for fidelity, begged for it, really, when we married. I never need flowers or jewelry; I don't care about vacations or a nice car. But I need you to be faithful. Leave me, if you must, but be faithful to me if you are with me.

Based on a survey of 1,000 U.S. adults:

• Forty-eight percent of men still have feelings for an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.
• Thirty-seven percent of women still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.
• Overall, two in five adults feel they let the "right one" get away.

In the 19th century, Marie d'Agoult left her children to follow after the most famous pianist of her day, Hungarian composer and virtuoso Franz Liszt. After the ardor of her infatuation cooled and the reality of missing her children set in, Marie is said to have made this observation: "When one has smashed everything around oneself, one has also smashed oneself."

In 1969, Woody Allen directed his first movie, Take the Money and Run. It was critically acclaimed, and throughout the next three decades Allen became one of the most prolific and beloved comedic filmmakers of the 20th century.

In 1992, however, Allen's personal life trumped his work on the big screen when he admitted to having an affair with the adopted daughter of his long-time girlfriend, Mia Farrow. The girl, Soon-yi Previn, was 22 at the time. Despite a vicious custody battle with Farrow over other children, Allen and Previn continued their relationship and were married in 1997, when Allen was 62 years old.

In a November 2005 interview with Vanity Fair, Allen admitted that he had made some mistakes in his life: "I'm sure there are things that I might have done differently. Probably in retrospect I should have bowed out of that relationship [with Farrow] much earlier than I did."

But Allen, who was about to turn 70 at the time of the interview, admitted that age had not brought discretion: "I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today."

Judith E. Brandt has written a book called The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette. Here is an excerpt of an interview Brandt did with the Chicago Tribune:

Q: You work for a humor magazine. Is your book some sort of wicked satire?

A: No. This is not a National Lampoon take on adultery. This is serious information presented in a fun way. There are no books out there on this subject in a format that is not judgmental. I want to help people make smart decisions before they make that step.

Q: What about the ethics and morality of extramarital affairs?

A: There is a simple answer. Affairs are immoral and wrong. But the reality is that people are having them anyway. So you have to meet people where they are. For a lot of people, morality doesn't end up in it. So if people are doing it anyway, you have to try to mitigate the hard edges.

Q: You say [in your book], don't feel guilty. That doesn't seem realistic.

A: Guilt is basically something built into society to keep you in line. If you are going about your business in a discreet way and you are continuing to take care of your wife and, most importantly, your children, there is no reason to feel guilt.

Q: Say a friend said they were considering getting involved in an extramarital affair and asked for your advice. What would you tell them?

A: The advice I would give is that it is based on your needs. People enter into [affairs] for many reasons. It's not always just sex. There are emotional needs. As far as I'm concerned, affairs can serve some short-term tactical needs in a long-term relationship strategy.