Monogamy

Sometimes journalism is useful for highlighting important trends in human behavior. Other times, however, journalistic coverage of a topic does more to inflate the popularity of an idea because its novelty is sure to attract attention.

According to Washington Post columnist Shadi Hamid, this is exactly what’s been happening surrounding the topic of polyamory. Hamid asked in a recent article:

Is it really popular? Or are people only saying it is. A self-fulfilling prophecy might be at work: Polyamory becomes more widespread because we think it’s already widespread. Norms around sexuality change because we think they’ve changed — even if they haven’t.

Hamid notes an uptick in interest of polyamory from Gen-Z users of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, and cites depictions of polyamory on streaming sites like Peacock and Max. But just as in regular relationships, fantasy is much easier to maintain than reality. “In this light, polyamory offers both license and a patina of legitimacy to the exploitative sexual desires of some men.”

He also notes that despite adherents’ insistence on the infinite nature of shared love, time management is also a salient issue:

As lived experience, polyamory is difficult and often unsustainable for most mere mortals. Having one partner requires planning. Having multiple partners requires even more, which is why accounts of “polycules” always seem to involve a lot of work, making shared Google calendars an essential tool in the arsenal of love.

Jealousy, like love, is a natural human emotion: If you love someone, how realistic is it that you will want to “share” that person with someone else?... It is no accident, then, that those who try polyamory often come away disillusioned. Only about 30 percent say they would do it again, with many citing as obstacles possessiveness and “difficult to navigate” emotional aspects.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Though offering some helpful insight, this is obviously the worldly viewpoint on sexual relationships. When preaching on sexual faithfulness in marriage we must add the spiritual consequences of adultery, including Hebrews 13:4, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

As if online dating wasn’t hard enough, now users have to sift through profiles looking for increasingly expansive definitions of what it means to be in a committed relationship. Many people using dating apps are on them looking for “the one.” Increasingly, they’re running into profiles of people looking for a second, third, or fourth.

The monogamists say mainstream dating apps are being inundated with users who are in consensual open relationships, and they’d like them to go find their own app. Others say the apps are for people of all relationship styles and, as long as they’re up front about it, what’s the problem? The profiles clearly state: “ENM.” The letters stand for ethical nonmonogamy and more often than not, aren’t spelled out.

In late 2022, one dating app rolled out the ability for users to designate their “relationship type” at the top of their profile and whether they are monogamous or not, which the company says was a response to the needs of Gen Z.

“Gen Z is the most fluid generation in terms of their sexuality and identity, and they need their relationships—and their dating app as the meeting point—to support their openness to different types of connection,” a Hinge spokesman says.

A 2022 survey of more than 14,000 dating app users globally found that 16% of Americans have recently considered an ethical non-monogamous relationship. And around one-third of Americans describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy, according to a 2023 YouGov poll.

Generation Z isn’t convinced monogamy is the best relationship structure, and more than half of them are considering relationship styles long considered taboo in American culture.

New data from Ashley Madison, the dating website built for affairs, found Gen Z was over represented among new signups to the site, regardless of if they were married or not. In 2022 alone more than 1.8 million Gen Z joined (of which more than one million were from the U.S.) representing 40% of all signups.

More and more Gen Zers, like reddit user r/Marmatus, are sharing their experience of having non-monogamous relationships. Marmatus wrote:

It’s nice having the freedom to explore your sexuality safely and ethically with other people. The thought of going an entire lifetime only ever having one sexual partner is not something I’d choose for myself. There are only so many experiences that one person can give you.

Ashley Madison’s Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable said he thinks what makes Gen Z different when it comes to non-monogamy is the way this generation understands shame. He mentioned the prevalence of premarital sex–something that’s most Americans feel is no longer morally wrong. Studies have found that premarital sex is practically universal in America with 95% of survey respondents saying they had sex before they were married.

Leanne Yau, a relationship expert said,

What is it about exclusivity that is so precious to society, particularly given that infidelity is extremely common in monogamous relationships? I think the normalization of queer rights and kink becoming more mainstream and people exploring their desires has opened people to the transformative power of exploring your sexuality.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Sin has consequences, as God’s Word so clearly says. Any generation who thinks that it can live in defiance of God’s standards is headed for destruction. Both Sodom and the world of Noah’s day learned this difficult lesson by way of God’s judgment.

Are there wedding bells in your future? If you’re young and in love, the answer is—probably not! A new survey finds that two in five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition.

The survey comes as a recent Pew Research study finds that one in four 40-year-olds in the United States have never walked down the aisle. The U.S. Census Bureau adds that 34% of people 15 years and older have never been married as of 2022. In 1950, that number was only 23%. So, what’s up? Why aren’t young people putting a ring on their serious relationships anymore? The following are the top four reasons:

Unnecessary: A staggering 85% don’t think you need to get married to have a fulfilling and committed relationship.

The Cost: The survey finds that one of the biggest reasons is still the sheer cost of getting married. Nearly 75% of Millennials and Gen Zers say it’s just too expensive to tie the knot in today’s economy.

No Interest: 72% say they just “aren’t interested” in marriage at this time. However, 83% hope they will eventually marry someone “someday.”

Divorce: Perhaps one of the biggest reasons young adults are skipping out on ring shopping is the fear that the marriage won’t last. Almost half of respondents are afraid of getting a divorce.

Nearly two in five young adults (38%) say they feel judged for not being married, with a whopping 69% of women saying their mother judges them the most for staying unmarried. Only 27% of young men say their mom judges them for staying single or not marrying their sweetheart.

Forbes Advisor commissioned a survey of 1,000 Americans who are divorced or who are in the process of divorcing to discover why marriages fail. A total of 689,308 divorces occurred in 2021 and approximately half of all first marriages end in divorce with subsequent marriages failing at higher rates.

To understand the causes of divorce, it’s helpful to understand the reasons people marry:

• 42% - Financial security
• 39% - Companionship
• 36% - Love
• 34% - To start a family
• 28% - Convenience
• 25% - Medical Insurance
• 07% - Societal and family pressures

Only five percent of divorcees say there was no way their marriage could have been saved, the survey says. A whopping 63% said that having a better understanding of commitment prior to marrying could have helped them avoid divorce.

You can access the entire detailed survey here.

Possible Preaching Angle:

It is important to keep in mind that this survey was taken of society as a whole. With proper guidance in premarital counseling and personal growth toward spiritual maturity a believing couple would be much more likely to establish a solid marriage for life upon the proper foundations.

Research professor Scott Stanley at the University of Denver writes:

A substantial number of practicing Christians believe that living together before marriage is a good idea—at least 41%, by one estimate. Although far more nonreligious people believe the same thing (88%), 41% is not a small group, and it’s likely growing over time.

A recent report from the Institute for Family Studies surveyed people who married for the first time in the years 2010 to 2019. We found conclusions similar to those of past studies: Patterns of cohabitation before marriage remain associated with higher odds of divorce.

What people often miss is the inertia that comes with moving in together. In essence, cohabiting couples are making it harder to break up before nailing down their commitments. Many of them get stuck in a relationship they might otherwise have moved on from.

Consistent with our theory of inertia, we find that couples who moved in together before engagement were 48% more likely to end their marriages than those who cohabited only after getting wed or at least engaged. We also show that moving in together for “relationship testing” or financial convenience is associated with higher risks for divorce.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In light of this research, Christians contemplating marriage may wonder what they can do to improve their odds of staying married. Scott Stanley suggests four principles: 1. Don’t believe the hype that living together is good for your relationship. 2. Slow down. Two people need time to learn more about each other 3. Don’t move in together to test the relationship. 4. Participate in premarital training or counseling.

Christian writer and pastor Sam Allberry tells the story of a friend who has a very bizarre spoon in his sugar bowl. It is a bit larger than a teaspoon, but it has a big hole in the middle, so it is unable to carry sugar, salt, cocoa, or pretty much anything for which you would need a teaspoon.

When he has people round, he enjoys watching them try to work out how to use it, and whether they are doing something wrong. Eventually he reveals that it’s an olive spoon, and that it is meant to have a hole in it so that you can drain the liquid as you lift the olive to your mouth.

Allberry relates this story to our sexuality. “You can’t make sense of the way the spoon is without understanding what it’s for.” And then comes the punchline: “It is true of my friend’s olive spoon and it is true of our sexuality.” In other words, you can’t understand God’s biblical commandments for sex until you know God’s design for sex.

Marriage rates are at a record low in the United States, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. In 2021, only 50% of American adults live with a spouse, down from 70% in 1970.

People who don’t get married cite finances as the number one reason:

• Only 25% of Americans making less than $25,000 per year are married.
• 60% of individuals earning more than $125,000 are married.

Americans talk a lot about sex. Anyone would think they’re having a lot of it. Instead, the opposite has happened. Young people are having less sex—and are less happy—than the married, churchgoing generation before them.

The Atlantic observed, “The United States is in the middle of a ‘sex recession.’ Nowhere has this sex recession proved more consequential than among young adults, especially young men.”

In 2018, the number of American adults who said they hadn’t had sex in the past year rose to an all-time high of 23 percent. (Imagine what that number looked like in 2021). Predictably, the demographic having the least sex is those older than 60. But those having the second-least amount of sex are 18 to 29. Today’s young people are having significantly less sex than their parents are.

Of the 20,000 college students surveyed by the Online College Social Life Survey from 2005 to 2011, the median number of hookups over four years was only five—and a majority of students said they wished they had more chances to get into a long-term relationship.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Secular, unchurched people are longing for what the Bible offers—a rich, satisfying approach to sex rooted in the union of lifelong marriage.

A national survey in 2014 for the Austin Institute showed that:

56% of evangelicals between ages 20 and 39 were currently married. Only 42% of the rest of the same-age population were married.

A repeated survey in 2018 showed a decline for both:

51% of evangelicals 20 to 39 were married 40% of the same age in the general population were married.

From 2014 to 2018:

The number of evangelicals cohabiting rose from 3.9% to 6.7% In the general popular support for cohabitation went from 16% to 27%

Very few of the surveyed evangelicals believe that marriage is “outdated,” but a growing minority of them now perceive an alternative pathway to get there.

Contrary to popular opinion, married couples statistically don't have worse sex than singles, but better. In their groundbreaking study, The Case for Marriage, Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out that 40 percent of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20 percent of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40 percent of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30 percent of single women. Fifty percent of married men are physically and emotionally content versus 38 percent of cohabitating men.

A survey of sexuality conducted jointly by researchers at State University of New York at Stony Brook and the University of Chicago—called the "most authoritative ever" by U.S. News & World Report—found that of all sexually active people the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied were married couples. The myth of our culture is that the single life is a life of great sex and the height of pleasure, but this is a lie.

Waite and Gallagher conclude: "Promoting marriage ... will make for a lot more happy men and women. Sex in America reported that married sex beats all else.”

In her book The Significance of Singleness, Christina Hitchcock writes:

A journalist named Kate Bolick wrote an article for The Atlantic magazine looking at attitudes towards single women like her. She noted that many single women still long for marriage and have a fear of lifelong singleness. She says that she experienced "panicked exhaustion" around the age of 36. (She was 39 at the time of the article.) She felt an intense need to marry immediately, even if it meant settling for a less than desirable or "qualified" man. She interviewed several single women in their early 20s. When she asked them if they wanted to get married and if so at what age they all answered "yes" and that they wanted to be married by the age of 27 or 28. She reminded them of her own age (39) and suggested that they could still be single at that age. She asked, "Does that freak you out?" She reports "again they nodded." Then one of the young women "with undisguised alarm" whispered, "I don't think I can bear doing this for that long."

Possible Preaching Angles: This illustration captures the pain and honesty around singleness—for both men and women. But it also highlights the need for a better way to think about singleness, the high view of singleness found in the Bible.

In his book “Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel”, Ray Ortlund writes:

The key to understanding the sexual wisdom of [the Bible] is to combine both form and freedom, both structure and liberation. Conservative people love form and restraint and control. Progressive people love freedom and openness and choices. Both see part of the truth, but wisdom sees more. Wisdom teaches us that God gave us our sexuality both to focus our romantic joy and to unleash our romantic joy.

When our desires are both focused and unleashed—both form and freedom—our sexual experience becomes wonderfully intensified. A marriage can flourish within both form and freedom, because sex is like a fire. In the fireplace, it keeps us warm. Outside the fireplace, it burns the house down. Here's the message of the Bible: "Keep the fire within the marital fireplace, and stoke that fire as hot as you can."

A study utilizing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) sought to examine the brain functioning of cohabitating and married women when facing stress. Researchers administered to both sets of women a mild electronic shock on the ankle. For support, the women had three choices: hold the hand of their partners, hold the hand of a stranger, or face the shock alone. When a married woman held the hand of her spouse, she registered a deep sense of calm in the hypothalamus region of her brain as she prepared for the shock. Conversely, cohabitating women holding the hand of the live-in partner registered little to no calm.

What surprised researchers is that while both sets of women stated that they felt commitment from the partners, the cohabitating women recorded the same level of calm as those holding the hand of a stranger. Researchers speculate that while cohabitating women say they feel commitment from the partner, doubt resides in the deepest part of their brains.

The New York Times' "Modern Love College Essay Contest" featured a "finalist" article by college senior Lauren Petersen. Ms. Peterson met Michael on a dating app where women make the first move. She wasn't looking for a relationship, let alone love. "Everything about us was temporary," she wrote. "We would talk a little, watch a little and then go to bed. In the morning, I would zip up my coat while he asked, 'Heading out?' I would nod and say, 'Thanks for the toast.' There was a rhythm to it. Monday night, pack my bag. Tuesday morning, walk home."

But then she broke the rules: she started to want more out of the relationship:

I started daydreaming about how the moonlight trickled in while he played me his jazz records, how he chuckled and buried his face in his hands after I explained my odd internships, and how he held up a picture of his family and described each of his brothers.

For a second, my future brimmed with Michael: his records, his quiet demeanor but abrasive sense of humor, his shamelessness in recounting the time he was struck with food poisoning at a hostel in San Francisco. Then another text appeared: "It's just that I'm apprehensive about the commitment." When I clarified that I didn't expect a long-term commitment, with our coming graduation, he expressed his real concern: "Monogamy." I wanted to leave the game behind and develop something special, if only for a short time. Yet Michael hesitated. It struck me that the "fling" was dead.

Petersen concludes on a sad note, longing for something more—true love:

A mere six weeks after our first date, we were over. I'd broken the rules; my glimmer of expressed affection had led to a fatal imbalance in the game. Feeling a little dispensable, I opened Bumble to pause my account. … A notification flashed, indicating that I had been right-swiped by a few people: 1,946 people. As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it turned out my sea held 1,946 of them. The "play again?" button glowed brighter than ever. And yet, almost comically, I wanted to date only one particular person.

After separating from her second husband, the actress Scarlet Johansson expressed her doubts about marriage. "I think the idea is romantic; it's a beautiful idea," she said, "[but] I don't think it's natural to be a monogamous person. It's a lot of work."

Although Johansson also stated that living together is a far cry from being married. "Anybody who tells you that it's the same is lying," she said. "It changes things. I have friends who were together for ten years and then decided to get married, and I'll ask them on their wedding day if it's different, and it always is. [Marriage is] a beautiful responsibility, but it's a responsibility."

A survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 81 percent of lawyers said they'd seen an increase in divorce cases using evidence found on social media. A group of divorce lawyers gave the following five ways social media can hurt a marriage. (All the quotes are from divorce lawyers.)

#1) Screentime got in the way of face time. "Instead of getting into bed and discussing how each other's day was, couples opt to be on social media … [They] engaged with friends, acquaintances or even followers during times that they would otherwise be growing and improving their marital relationship … Put down your device, ask your spouse how their day was and listen."

#2) Reconnecting with old partners led to an affair. "Your former partners bring you back to a time when life was less complicated and your greatest challenge was a term paper. Some get so caught up in the romance that they move from posts, to emails, texts, calls and then secret rendezvous. Even if things don't work out with the old fling, the temporary checking out from your marriage can cause irreparable harm."

#3) Everyone else's marriage appeared perfect in comparison. "As you scroll your news feed and see so many seemingly perfect marriages, there is a tendency to compare your own relationship to the perceived perfection of another's. The weaknesses in your own marriage may become more obvious."

#4) Too much personal information was shared online. "Intimate details about your relationship and marriage should never be exposed on social media. It causes distrust between partners and it can backfire if you and your partner divorce."

#5) The single life started looking more and more attractive. "The social media posts of your single 'friends' look … so much better than your own life because many people's posts are [staged] to portray their own lives in the most positive light. There is a reason the selfie stick was one of the most popular holiday gifts last year."

While imprisoned by the Nazis in Tegal Prison's Cell 92, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a beautiful sermon for the wedding of his niece and his friend (Eberhard Bethge). Bonhoeffer never had a chance to preach the wedding sermon, but this line has continued to challenge and bless many young couples: "Today you are young and very much in love and you think that your love will sustain your marriage. It won't. But your marriage can sustain your love!"

When scientists studied the brain chemistry of the newly love struck they found that certain chemicals are elevated when love is new. Researchers at the University of Pavia, for instance, found that levels of nerve growth factor (NGF)—a protein that maintains the health of neurons—were higher in people who had reported just falling in love when compared to single people or those in long-term relationships. After about a year, though, the subjects' NGF levels fell back to a normal level.

But after the first years of wedded bliss, some discontentment seems to follow. A poll of 5,000 married couples found that men and women begin to take their marriage for granted after two and a half years. Half the couples surveyed for the 2008 study reported that they felt undervalued at the 2.5 year mark. The majority of the men said they stopped picking up after themselves, while the women were no longer making an effort to look nice for their spouse. A 2011 survey of married couples found that irritation peaks at the 3-year mark. More than two-thirds of all of those surveyed said that little quirks, which were seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love, became major annoyances at 36 months.

Time magazine recently featured an article that asked, "Is monogamy over?" The article offered various opinions, including "monogamy is a charade" that leads to "institutionalizing dishonesty," and "[monogamy] is just an option, not the default," and "There's no right, there's no wrong." Time also featured Pastor Andy Stanley who offered this biblical view:

Monogamy is more like an endangered species. Rare. Valuable. Something to be fed and protected. Perhaps an armed guard should be assigned to every monogamous couple to ward off poachers. Perhaps not.

The value a culture places on monogamy determines the welfare of its women and children. Women and children do not fare well in societies that embrace polygamy or promiscuity. In the majority of cases, sexual freedom undermines the financial freedom of women. Sexual freedom eventually undermines the financial and emotional security of children.

If we are only biology, none of the above really matters … If we are only biology, monogamy was probably a flawed concept from the start. But very few of us live as if we are only biology … As a pastor, I've officiated my share of weddings and I've done my share of premarital counseling. I always ask couples why they are getting married. Survival of the species never makes the list.

The "I" and "You" that inhabit our bodies desire more than another body. We desire intimacy—to know and to be fully known without fear. Intimacy is fragile. Intimacy is powerful. Intimacy is fueled by exclusivity. So, no, monogamy is not obsolete. It's endangered.