Pleasing Others

In a recent article in The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman describes how to be liberated from people-pleasing:

“Great news! I found the cure for my anxiety!!” the author Sarah Gailey once announced on social media. “All I need is for everyone I know to tell me definitively that they aren’t mad at me, once every 15 seconds, forever.”

I know how she feels. For years, I possessed a remarkable superpower: I could turn almost any work opportunity that came my way into an unpleasant emotional drama, simply by agreeing to do it.

Once I’d accepted a deadline or signed a contract, there was now another person in the world who might be growing impatient that I hadn’t finished yet, or who might end up disappointed in what I produced. And the thought that they might be harboring any negativity towards me felt hugely oppressive. This same overinvestment in other people’s emotions meant I was always saying yes to things I should really have declined, because I flinched internally at the thought of the other person feeling crestfallen.

It bears emphasizing that the people you’re worried might be angry with you, disappointed in you, or bored by you almost never actually are. The liberating truth is that they’ve got their own troubles to worry about…. As the novelist Leila Sales observes, poking fun at this tendency in herself: “It’s weird how when I don’t respond to someone’s email, it’s because I’m busy, but when other people don’t respond to my emails, it’s because they hate me.”

The liberating truth about life as a finite human is that…you’re never going to please everyone, or do everything, or accomplish anything perfectly. So, what would you like to do with your life instead?

Gerrit De Vynck wrote a story in The Washington Post about how artificial intelligences respond to the errors they make.

Citing a recent MIT research paper, De Vynck reported that a group of scientists loaded up two iterations of Open AI’s ChatGPT, and asked each one a simple question about the geographical origin of one of MIT’s professors. One gave an incorrect answer, the other a correct one.

Researchers then asked the two bots to debate until they could agree on an answer. Eventually, the incorrect bot apologized and agreed with the correct one. The researchers’ leading theory is that allowing chatbots to debate one another will create more factually correct outcomes in their interactions with people.

One of the researchers said, “Language models are trained to predict the next word. They are not trained to tell people they don’t know what they’re doing.” De Vynck adds, “The result is bots that act like precocious people-pleasers. [They’re] making up answers instead of admitting they simply don’t know.”

AIs like ChatGPT are not trained to discern truth from falsehood, which means that false information gets included along with truth. Chatbots like OpenAI’s ChatGPT, Microsoft’s Bing, and Google’s Bard have demonstrated a major fatal flaw: They make stuff up all the time. These falsehoods, or digital hallucinations as they are being called, are a serious concern because they limit the effectiveness of the AI as a tool for fact-finding.

What’s worse, scientists are beginning to see evidence that AIs pick up on societal fears around robots gaining sentience and turning against humanity, and mimic the behavior they see depicted in science fiction. According to this theory, if an artificial intelligence actually kills a human being, it might be because it learned from HAL, the murderous robot from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Sundar Pichai, chief executive officer at Google said, “No one in the field has yet solved the hallucination problem. All models do have this as an issue.” When asked if or when this will change, Pichai was less than optimistic. “[It’s] a matter of intense debate,” he said.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In our pursuit of technology, we must never give up our human responsibility to seeking or telling the truth.

Wall Street Journal writer Joseph Epstein notes that the opinion poll has been around for more than a century. They gained authority in the 1940s with the polling methods of George Gallup. Now we put way too much stock in opinion polls. Epstein writes, “So endemic is polling that it feels as if what a politician does is less important than whether the public approves or disapproves.”

President Abraham Lincoln is an example of how to seek wise counsel and input from others without letting it run your life. Epstein writes:

Early in his presidency he set aside morning office hours to receive visitors, many seeking favors or attempting to exert influence, or merely wishing to shake the hand of the nation’s leader. … These visits … offered the president the opportunity, in these days before scientific public opinion polling, to get some idea of how ordinary people felt about him and his administration. Yet Lincoln, aware as he was of public sentiment, never allowed it ultimately to alter his policies or principles, which is one of the reasons he was a great man.

For instance, some critics blasted his 272-word Gettysburg Address for being too short. But Lincoln stood by the speech, and as we all know now, it became one of the greatest political speeches of all time.

Ligonier Ministries asked Americans a practical question about worship. “Must churches provide entertaining worship services if they want to be effective?”

Frequent attendees of evangelical churches (monthly or more):

Strongly agree: 9%

Somewhat agree: 25%

Somewhat disagree: 25%

Strongly disagree: 39%

Infrequent attendees of evangelical churches (holidays only/rarely/never):

Strongly agree: 8%

Somewhat agree: 32%

Somewhat disagree: 27%

Strongly disagree: 29%

Millennial attendees of evangelical churches (ages 18 to 34)

Strongly agree: 11%

Somewhat agree: 29%

Somewhat disagree: 22%

Strongly disagree: 37%

Boomer attendees of evangelical churches (ages 50 to 64)

Strongly agree: 7%

Somewhat agree: 31%

Somewhat disagree: 22%

Strongly disagree: 37%

Demi Lovato and the Australian singer/songwriter Sam Fisher recently collaborated on a piece titled “What Other People Say” that reveals this generation's realization that living for the affirmation of others cannot fill the void in our heart.

Some of the lyrics from the radio edit of the song:

Thought when I grew up

I would be the same as the ones who gave me my last name

I would not give in, I would not partake

In the same old drugs everyone else takes

I'm better than that, I'm better than that

I'm living my life so I go to heaven and never come back

But look where I'm at, look where I'm at

I'm living the life that I said I wouldn't, I wanna go back

I used to call my mom every Sunday

So she knew her love wasn't far away

But now I'm all messed up out in LA

'Cause I care more about what other people say

I used to not take chances with God's name

But it's been so long since I last prayed

And now I'm all messed up and my heart's changed

'Cause I care more about what other people say

The song so resonated with Lovato she shared, "When I first heard this song, I cried. These lyrics resonate so much with me and are super meaningful. This song is a reflection on what it's like to lose who you truly are in an effort to please other people and society."

Fischer added, "'What Other People Say' is a confession, realizing how far away you can get from who you are in an effort to be liked. It’s about the pressures of society and how getting caught up with the wrong things can change you."

Why are so many people reluctant to give unsolicited praise to others? It may simply be that we underestimate how well a compliment will be received and overestimate the cost of giving it.

In a study published in the Psychology Bulletin, researchers asked people to approach a same-gender stranger and offer a sincere compliment. The compliment-givers felt anxious prior to the interaction because they predicted their compliment would be negatively received. But their predictions weren’t accurate. Overall, they significantly underestimated how flattered, happy, and pleased people would feel about being complimented. They also significantly overestimated how awkward or annoyed the recipients would feel.

Psychologist Erica Boothby suggests, “We should think about how we would feel if we received a compliment--and remember that others will feel the same. … A few kind words go a long way.”

During the mandatory fifteen-minute observation period following their vaccine shots for COVID-19, a room full of people were treated to something else rare and costly; an impromptu concert from an 18-time Grammy-award-winner.

World famous cellist Yo-Yo Ma has a residence in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. So, having traveled to the local community college campus to receive his vaccination shots, the celebrated musician made a request to give a little something back.

Professor Jonah Sykes said, “He asked one of our clinic managers if he could perform a few songs for folks in the observation area.” While wearing his mask, Ma set up along the back wall--socially distant from the rest of the room--and began playing his instrument. Sykes said, “Many people were moved to tears. It was an exceptional moment at the end of a long day of giving shots.”

This kind of philanthropy has become a part of Ma’s public persona. Back in March of 2020, when plenty of Americans were trying to adjust to having to stay at home, he repeatedly played his cello in a series of Twitter live streams called “Songs of Comfort.” Similarly, in August 2020 he teamed up with pianist Emmanuel Ax to play a series of pop-up concerts for frontline workers in the Pittsfield area.

If his chosen name was any indication, this is the life intended for Yo-Yo Ma. Named after the Chinese word for “friendship,” his prodigious gifting also resembles the namesake American toy. Whenever and wherever people are down, he has a knack for bringing them back up again.

Possible Preaching Angle:

When we use our God-given talents to bless the community, we honor God as the source of those talents.

Belichick & Saban: The Art of Coaching, is a documentary that offers an exclusive look at their annual coaching retreat, where Bill Belichick and Nick Saban have an in-depth conversation about their interwoven history and coaching philosophies.

As they converse about changes in coaching over the span of 5 decades, they land on the topic of social media. Belichick is not a fan of social media. He once told reporters that he was not even on “SnapFace.” Belichick and Saban have this exchange:

Belichick: I hate social media. We get rid of it whenever we can. Do things where you don’t bring your phone, you just have a conversation with the other person in the eye instead of texting back and forth. But it’s the way of the world . . . It still comes back to fundamental relationships and communication and there’s no cell phones on the field. You better know what your teammate’s doing, he better know what you’re doing or, you know, you’re going to get beat.

Saban: And I think because of social media, they're getting a lot of their positive self-gratification … without looking somebody in the eye, without developing a relationship with them. And I think that’s a critical part that they all need to develop and you need it to have a team.

Belichick: No question. Who cares how many likes you get from 2000 people you don’t even know? There are 53 guys in the locker room. Those are the 53 that matter.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Many people are trying to get your attention. You and I must be able to identify the 53 that matter. The dozen that matter? The four that matter? The One who really matters?

Singer and pop star Billy Joel's early albums were massive hits. But according to an interview with New York magazine Joel has always been unsatisfied with his music. "I never felt as good as I wanted to be," Joel said. "My bar was Beethoven." Although Joel performed a show at Madison Square Garden in July of 2024, it's been 32 years since he released a new album (as of 2025).

His reluctance to write new songs stems largely from his critics, who have often savaged his music as sappy and shallow. Joel said, "Because I studied music I was suspect to critics. To them you're supposed to be a diamond in the rough and polish yourself." Apparently Joel's inability to overcome his internal and external critics have frozen his creativity.

Talking about his hit song "Mean Old Man," singer songwriter James Taylor said,

This one was a big accomplishment, because it's a sophisticated song and a throwback. Paul McCartney called me up and said that when he'd first heard it, he assumed it was Frank Loesser or Cole Porter. I was, of course, absolutely thrilled. At one point, Bob Dylan told me that he'd been listening to [one of my songs] and really thought it was great, and that's enough for me. Ten critics can savage me, but I'll be fine as long as every once in a while, someone like Bob Dylan or Paul McCartney says, "Keep going, kid."

Possible Preaching Angles: Positive Illustration—Taylor reveals a truth that Christians should live by—when it comes to praise or criticism, consider the source. For us, the best source is God himself. Negative Illustration—All human applause (even from the important figures in our lives) has a short shelf life. We should look to God alone for praise and affirmation.

For over 100 years Michelin has not only produced high-quality auto tires but also the premiere guide to fine dining. Achieving or losing even one star in Michelin's restaurant rating can have a dramatic effect on the success of a restaurant. One famous French chef claimed, "Michelin is the only guide that counts." That's why the restaurant world was shocked when SÉbastien Bras, one of France's most celebrated chefs, declared that he wanted to be dropped from Michelin's rankings. For over 20 years Bras had been honored with three stars (the highest rating). Michelin's restaurant judges called his food "spellbinding."

But in September 2017, Bras said the pressure to perform was too much. Bras announced, "Today, I want to give a new meaning to my life … and redefine what is essential." He said his job had given him a lot of satisfaction but there was also huge pressure that was inevitably linked to the three Michelin stars first given to the restaurant in 1999. He asked to be allowed to continue his work with a free spirit and in serenity away from the world of rankings, without tension.

Bras said, "Maybe I will be less famous but I accept that," adding that he would continue to cook excellent local produce "without wondering whether my creations will appeal to Michelin's inspectors."

On August 10, 1948, a pioneering television producer named Allen Funt debuted a hidden-camera reality TV show called Candid Camera. The genius of the show is that it caught people in the act of being themselves. It produced lots of laughs, but it also offered a fascinating look into the human psyche.

In one episode titled "Face the Rear," an unsuspecting person boarded an elevator and naturally turned around to face the front of the elevator. That's when three actors entered the elevator and faced the rear. A hidden camera in the elevator captured the angst of the prankee. To turn or not to turn? Finally, a fourth actor entered the elevator and faced the rear. Without exception, the person facing the front would turn around and face the rear. The social influence exerted by those facing the rear was too overwhelming for that person to remain the only one facing the front.

After his 15 year career in pro basketball, Rick Barry had hit a remarkable 89.9% of his shots from the free throw line. But Barry also had one of the weirdest free throw shots—an underhand shot known as the "granny style" shot.

The stats don't lie—Barry's style seems to work better than the more familiar (and cooler looking) traditional free throw shot. As Barry said, "From the physics standpoint, it's a much better way to shoot. Less things that can go wrong, less things that you have to worry about repeating properly in order for it to be successful." In 2008, when Discover magazine asked a physics professor who agreed: the 45-degree arc angle and the natural backspin both increase the odds of the ball going into the net, relative to the more common method.

Wilt Chamberlain, a former NBA great who holds the record for the most points scored in one game (100), once tried it out. Over his career, Chamberlain made a pathetic 54% of his free throws. But on March 2, 1962, when he scored his 100 points, Chamberlain used the granny style approach and hit 28 of his 32 free throws.

So chances are, for many players shooting underhand is a much better strategy. So, why don't more players use this free throw style? (And why did Chamberlain give it up?) Rick Barry and Malcolm Gladwell propose a simple answer: because players are too embarrassed or too proud—or both. It looks silly, and most players would rather miss shots than look like a "granny" and score more points.

Football referees are unbiased, right? They would never be influenced by fans or football players, right? Well, according to a study football refs are often swayed by their surroundings. Michael Lopez, a researcher and statistician at Skidmore College in New York, led a study that referees are much more likely to make calls that favor the team whose coaches and players are on the sideline closest to the potential penalty.

Lopez analyzed five years of NFL games, including 1,400 penalty calls where the action happened close to one team's sideline or the other. One of the files he examined was whether referees called a late hit on a player. If one player is tackling another, you're allowed to do it while the opposing player is within bounds but not if he's out of bounds. But the bodies are usually flying into one another near a sideline. It's what's called a bang-bang play: it all happens so quickly and the refs have to make a judgment call.

Lopez measured how often these kinds of judgment calls go in favor of the team whose coaches are on the sideline closest to where the potential penalty is taking place. He found referees are much more likely to make calls that comply with what people nearest to them are demanding. In short, intimidation works. Pressure the refs, get in their face, and they will often cave into social pressure.

In April 1967, hamburger lovers in Uniontown, Pennsylvania met a newer, bigger burger—it was called the Big Mac, and for 45 cents it delivered, as a 1970s jingle would have it, "two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame-seed bun."

A year later, the Big Mac was on the menu at McDonald's restaurants all over the United States. By 1969, it accounted for 19 percent of the company's total sales. Today, the company sells about 550 million Big Macs annually in the United States alone, and millions more in 100 countries around the world.

But you've probably never heard of Jim Delligatti, the McDonald's franchise owner who invented the Big Mac. Delligatti owned about a dozen franchises in the Pittsburgh area by the mid-1960s, but he struggled to compete with the Big Boy and Burger King chains. After pitching the idea to his bosses and facing stiff resistance, McDonald's finally relented and agreed to let him try it out. The first Big Mac was introduced on April 22, 1967.

Sales perked up immediately. The company rolled it out nationwide, backed by a powerful advertising campaign. In 1986, The Economist magazine introduced its Big Mac Index, which shows whether a currency is overvalued or undervalued based on the cost of a Big Mac in one country relative to the cost in another. In 2007, Mr. Delligatti opened the Big Mac Museum Restaurant in North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, with a 14-foot-tall Big Mac sculpture as its centerpiece.

Many people assumed that Delligatti must have reaped a windfall worth billions. Not so. In 2007 he told a local newspaper, "All I got was a plaque."

Possible Preaching Angles: Sometimes human praise is underwhelming, which is why Christians need to live for the praise of the "Audience of One"—God's approval and pleasure.

Oregon state officials have confirmed reports of several attacks on government workers outside its state capitol building, but have not recorded any arrests. Why? The attacker is an owl. "It's silent," says city parks spokeswoman Tibby Larson. "You're just walking along, minding your own business, and an owl comes silently at you from behind."

Owl attacks, believe it or not, are a relatively frequent phenomenon across the country. Although it may seem humorous that government workers have seemed to be the most frequent targets in this case, Larson noted that the owl is most likely more concerned with impressing potential mates than making a political statement.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Sure, it's strange animal antics to impress a potential mate, but you have to ask about the strange stuff we do to impress and please other people.

You'd think actress Amy Schumer might be enjoying her fame. But the comedienne took time one night to reflect on the downside of her celebrity status. "I'm, like, newly famous, and it turns out it's not fun. Did you guys know that?" she asked her audience. "You're, like, you know that I'm just now learning that my dreams have been a sham, and that it's actually not great and it just only comes with pain." Schumer predicted an end date for her time in Hollywood. "We all know it's going to last another three months because that's how it works."

On September 28, 1882 the Worcester Ruby Legs from Massachusetts played the Troy Trojans from New York in a pro baseball game. It was a famous game in pro baseball history because it set a record for the lowest number of fans in the stands. Six people watched the Trojans trounce the Ruby Legs 4-1.

That record stood for almost 125 years. On Aril 29, 2015 the Baltimore Orioles and Chicago White Sox played their game in front of empty seats. Zero fans. This bizarre development was mandated by Major League Baseball in wake of protests and outbursts of violence in the city of Baltimore. Here's how an Associated Press article reported one incident from the fan-less game:

Chris Davis might have hit the quietest home run for the home team in Orioles history. As the slugger pounded the ball deep onto Eutaw Street, just a few feet from where fans normally would have sprinted after a chance to catch a souvenir, there was almost nothing to hear. The only muffled cheers came from a pocket of die-hards locked out of Camden Yards yelling "Let's Go O's!"

On this day, 30,000 Orioles fans had been muted. The wild applause had been silenced. There were no fans to stand for a standing ovation. Just Davis' teammates in the dugout coming over for high-fives. "When you're rounding the bases, and the only cheers you hear were from outside the stadium," he said, "it's a weird feeling."

Editor’s Update: To this could be added the dozens of sporting events that were played before empty stadiums during the COVID-19 Pandemic. You can read a psychological take on this here

Possible Preaching Angles: No live audience, no cheering fans, no applause. As a Christian, how much does the audience affect your performance? How much does the cheering crowd motivate you to do a good job? Or are you content to live before the Lord, the "Audience of One"?

Everyone does think of me as impenetrable and/or superhuman, and maybe that's the way it goes if you've lasted for more than three decades. But of course that's not the truth. … In this business I'm in, you can start to feel like a gerbil on a wheel. People expect things from you. And I expect things from me. Since I was a teenager, I've never not been in some creative state, like in the act of making up dances, or writing songs, or whatever. I felt really drained.

-Madonna

Possible Preaching Angles: Aside from some of the more obvious angles, this quote also shows what it's like for Christians living without the power of Christ or the presence of the Holy Spirit.

An article in The Wall Street Journal points to research that proves what many workers already know: employees fake a positive outlook when the boss is around, and all that fakery can be exhausting. The research, reported first in the Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, concluded that workers tended to put on smiles and fake happiness when higher-ups were in the room. By contrast, when workers hold meetings with peers or with lower-status employees, they tend to express themselves more honestly.

In one experiment, researchers selected nearly 150 full-time employees who regularly attended workplace meetings. The participants filled out surveys about meetings they recently attended. After the researchers collected the data, it was obvious that when superiors were in the room the participants reported that they tended to hide their authentic feelings during the meetings.

The Wall Street Journal article went to say, "All this faking can be exhausting: those who feigned positive feelings actually felt less satisfied when a meeting ended, researchers found. [As one of the researchers said], 'Even if they act positive, those underlying negative feelings are still there. They feel inauthentic, which could result in lower satisfaction, or, eventually, burnout.'"

Possible Preaching Angles: Yes, this research may seem like common sense, but it still shows our need to work for the Lord without impressing others as we live before "an audience of one."