Selfishness

Researcher Arthur C. Books told the following story about how we all can benefit from self-control and waiting.

My father-in-law, with whom I was very close, spent most of his life on the same working-class street in Barcelona’s El Clot neighborhood. Born in 1929, he saw Spain’s bloody civil war taking place literally in front of his house. His family experienced a lot of suffering. Some died; others spent years in jail or were forced into exile. He himself spent a year in a refugee camp, an experience that affected him for the rest of his life. Every time he wanted to make a point about society or culture, he always started with: “Well, during the civil war …”

One evening, a few months before he died, he read in his local paper an article of mine about unhappiness. “You have a lot of complicated theories,” he told me, “But the real reason people are unhappy is very simple.” I asked him to elaborate. “They don’t enjoy their dinner,” he responded. I asked him what he meant. “Well, during the civil war, we were always hungry,” he said. “But one day a year—Christmas—we got to eat whatever we wanted, and we were so happy. Today, people snack all day long, are never hungry, don’t enjoy their dinners, and aren’t happy—even on Christmas.”

He was not wrong in his main contention: Happiness rises, paradoxically, when you do not get whatever you want, whenever you want it. Rather, well-being requires that you discipline your will and defer your gratifications. Understanding this and taking action to change your habits can make you a much happier person.

When it comes to the ultimate test of devotion, fewer than half of Americans would give a piece of themselves to save someone they care about. A revealing new survey has found that just 39% of Americans would be willing to donate an organ to family or friends—a striking discovery that sheds light on where people draw the boundary of personal sacrifice.

The study of 2,000 U.S. adults, explored various dimensions of loyalty in both personal relationships and consumer behavior. While organ donation may be a step too far for many, Americans demonstrate commitment in other meaningful ways.

More than half (53%) would endure waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for someone they care about. Additionally, 62% would put their reputation on the line by acting as a reference for a loved one’s apartment or job application.

Perhaps the most revealing statistic is how Americans would handle unexpected good fortune. An overwhelming 82% said they would share a windfall of $100,000 with family and friends—indicating that while many might hesitate to share their kidneys, they’re quite willing to share their cash.

Possible Preaching Angle:

1) Selfishness; Self-centeredness – It is amazing how selfish people are becoming when called to make a very personal sacrifice for their very “flesh and blood” relatives; 2) Christ, sacrifice of – This also highlights the amazing sacrifice Jesus made for his “brothers and sisters” when he said “Take and eat. This is my body” (Matt. 26:26; Mark 14:22; Luke 22:19; 1 Cor. 11:24) and “he himself bore our sins in His body on the tree” (1 Pet. 2:24).

Read through the Bible and you will find a positive attitude about having and raising children. Attitudes among our culture today are trending in the opposite direction due to attitudes about careers and individualism as cited by the authors of the book, "What Are Children For?"

Having children is but another possible project, with its own emotional experiences, social obligations, and financial responsibilities. According to a 2023 Pew Research report, only 26 percent of Americans today say having children is important for living a fulfilling life. Whereas 71 percent consider “having a job or career they enjoy to be essential and 61 percent say the same for “having close friends.” As the demographers found in an overview of the forces affecting fertility patterns today.

Increasingly, people justified childbearing in terms of its impact on their personal well-being, satisfaction, and happiness.” When children are seen in this light, it’s understandable that many people, certainly those whose lives feel uncertain and precarious, dread giving up their time, energy, resources, highest ambitions, and—perhaps above all—freedom to the task of raising another human being. When you compare having children—a resource guzzling enterprise that comes with no guarantee of mental or material satisfaction—to all those other possible attractive ends, how could it ever measure up?

Editor’s Note: When using this illustration, let’s be mindful of the single women who long to be married, but are not yet, and the husbands and wives who would love to have children but have not been able to conceive and those who have lost children through miscarriage.

Sometimes journalism is useful for highlighting important trends in human behavior. Other times, however, journalistic coverage of a topic does more to inflate the popularity of an idea because its novelty is sure to attract attention.

According to Washington Post columnist Shadi Hamid, this is exactly what’s been happening surrounding the topic of polyamory. Hamid asked in a recent article:

Is it really popular? Or are people only saying it is. A self-fulfilling prophecy might be at work: Polyamory becomes more widespread because we think it’s already widespread. Norms around sexuality change because we think they’ve changed — even if they haven’t.

Hamid notes an uptick in interest of polyamory from Gen-Z users of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, and cites depictions of polyamory on streaming sites like Peacock and Max. But just as in regular relationships, fantasy is much easier to maintain than reality. “In this light, polyamory offers both license and a patina of legitimacy to the exploitative sexual desires of some men.”

He also notes that despite adherents’ insistence on the infinite nature of shared love, time management is also a salient issue:

As lived experience, polyamory is difficult and often unsustainable for most mere mortals. Having one partner requires planning. Having multiple partners requires even more, which is why accounts of “polycules” always seem to involve a lot of work, making shared Google calendars an essential tool in the arsenal of love.

Jealousy, like love, is a natural human emotion: If you love someone, how realistic is it that you will want to “share” that person with someone else?... It is no accident, then, that those who try polyamory often come away disillusioned. Only about 30 percent say they would do it again, with many citing as obstacles possessiveness and “difficult to navigate” emotional aspects.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Though offering some helpful insight, this is obviously the worldly viewpoint on sexual relationships. When preaching on sexual faithfulness in marriage we must add the spiritual consequences of adultery, including Hebrews 13:4, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

In an issue of CT magazine, author Jen Wilkin writes:

Individualism says that I should do what’s best for me regardless of what’s best for others. Instant gratification assures me that waiting is an enemy to eliminate. At every turn, I am told that I can and should have what I want when I want it.

Earlier this year, my husband and I spent two weeks with an apparent narcissist named Charlotte. From the moment we stepped into her space, it was all about her. She demanded our full attention day and night. Forget rational arguments or the needs of others; it was The Charlotte Show 24/7. She thought only of herself and demanded loudly and often that her needs be met. Our schedules bowed to her every whim. She uttered not a word of gratitude during the entire 14 days.

And we didn’t mind one bit. Because all 7 pounds and 15 ounces of her was doing exactly what she should. Our newest grandchild’s age-appropriate focus is to declare, Me, right now! Any time she is tired, hungry, or needs a clean diaper. Babies self-advocate as a survival instinct. They understand only the immediate need.

But what is appropriate in an infant is appalling in an adult. In its obsession with “me, right now,” our culture doesn’t just worship youthfulness; it worships childishness, legitimizing it into adulthood. An adult who demands what he wants when he wants it is a costly presence in any community, prioritizing his own needs above those of others and of the group. He has not learned to “put away childish things,” as the Bible says (1 Cor. 13:11, KJV); he has managed to grow physically from a baby to an adult without shedding the childish mantra of “me, right now.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

As parents, our first challenge is to meet the needs of babies crying out, “Me, right now.” But our greater task over the years is to train our children to mature and outgrow their entitlement, to resist the narcissistic norms of our age. It is our job as Christian parents to move our children from the immaturity of individualism and instant gratification to the maturity of sacrificial service and delayed gratification.

It's always interesting listening to some folks who are trying to make sense of Christian virtues. For example, The Journal of Positive Psychology ran an article with the following headline: "Humble persons are more helpful than less humble persons: Evidence from three studies."

Humble people are helpful. Wow, you don't say? How shocking! The abstract for the article reads: "Humble participants helped more than did less humble participants even when agreeableness and desirable responding were statistically controlled." In non-technical language, this means in situations where people wanted to help for unselfish reasons, people who weren't full of themselves were more likely to actually lend a hand. The article also reports that humble people even make better bosses and employees.

So how do you explain this strange virtue? Well, not to worry. The researchers tried to examine the evidence "for the evolutionarily predicted connection between humility and helping." Christians have a simpler explanation for humility: It comes from Jesus.

As if online dating wasn’t hard enough, now users have to sift through profiles looking for increasingly expansive definitions of what it means to be in a committed relationship. Many people using dating apps are on them looking for “the one.” Increasingly, they’re running into profiles of people looking for a second, third, or fourth.

The monogamists say mainstream dating apps are being inundated with users who are in consensual open relationships, and they’d like them to go find their own app. Others say the apps are for people of all relationship styles and, as long as they’re up front about it, what’s the problem? The profiles clearly state: “ENM.” The letters stand for ethical nonmonogamy and more often than not, aren’t spelled out.

In late 2022, one dating app rolled out the ability for users to designate their “relationship type” at the top of their profile and whether they are monogamous or not, which the company says was a response to the needs of Gen Z.

“Gen Z is the most fluid generation in terms of their sexuality and identity, and they need their relationships—and their dating app as the meeting point—to support their openness to different types of connection,” a Hinge spokesman says.

A 2022 survey of more than 14,000 dating app users globally found that 16% of Americans have recently considered an ethical non-monogamous relationship. And around one-third of Americans describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy, according to a 2023 YouGov poll.

Married people average 30 percentage points more happy than unmarried Americans. So, there’s a lot at stake when one swipes left or right. In an article for The Free Press, Rob Henderson lays out a gaggle of unexpected statistics on the self-selective narrowing of the dating pool that cumulatively suggest something bleak. As dating has become hyper-optimized toward one’s desires, it’s had the effect of making relationships harder. His solution? Stop swiping and settle down:

Previous generations didn’t have many options, so they stuck together through hard times and made it work. Now, abundance (or its illusion on dating apps) has led people to feel less satisfied. People are now more anxious about making a choice and less certain that the one they made was correct.

One classic study found that consumers were more likely to buy a jam when they were presented with six flavors compared to 30. And among those who did make a purchase, the people presented with fewer flavors were more satisfied with their choice.

These two factors — demanding more of your partner and understanding that abundance is not always favorable or desirable — should be a lesson that will guide us toward healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Shutting off the dating apps and reducing our choices will actually give us a greater appetite for love.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Of course, this advice makes a whole lot more sense if one understands love to be self-giving for the benefit of another, as opposed to something like self-fulfillment.

How many times have you heard expectant couples say, "Well, as long as our baby is healthy"? John Knight from Desiring God ministries cautions, "'Healthy' exists on a spectrum of possibilities just like disability. And that spectrum is becoming narrower with every passing year." He points to an article about University of Washington scientists who were able to identify the DNA sequence of a fetus with 98 percent accuracy, and with safer techniques.

The article noted, "The accomplishment heralds an era in which parents might find it easier to know the complete DNA blueprint of a child months before it is born. That would allow thousands of genetic diseases to be detected prenatally." That means that more children with disabilities will be aborted.

But Knight also argues that many people will be tempted to order up "designer babies"—all fueled by "an increasingly idolatrous mindset that says I have the right and the responsibility to determine what is best for me — including the physical and/or developmental makeup of my children, or somebody else's children."

Tom Brady has expressed frustration with the attitude of new athletes in professional sports. On the "DeepCut with VicBlends" podcast, he discussed the self-centered mindset of younger players.

Brady said, "I think the biggest problem with a lot of (expletive) kids these days, it’s all about them. Their brand, their social media. When it’s about ‘me’ and then not about ‘us,’ well, there’s no way to succeed as a team if all you’re doing is thinking how selfish it is for you to get the attention."

VicBlends agreed, emphasizing the value of elevating others. "It’s cool to show the world how great you are, but the most inspiring thing is how great you can make others."

Brady reflected on the broader implications. "That’s the point of life. Is what we could do – how do you help other people finish the race?"

In both scientific research studies and informal surveys of friends and family, people considering purchasing electric vehicles often cite charger availability as a potential barrier. Most of the time, it’s purely about the lack of charging stations in a particular geographic region or metro area. But even in places where EV charging stations exist, availability can still be scarce, because of people who overstay their vehicular welcome.

One prominent charging company is trying to solve the problem. A CNN report identified Electrify America, one of the nation’s largest charging firms, as the first to enact a strict time limit in ten of its busiest fast charging stations in California. Once a car’s battery reaches 85 percent, charging ceases and the user is warned to disconnect or face a penalty fee of 40 cents per minute for idling.

Tesla cars are known to do something similar automatically; when a Tesla reaches 80 percent capacity, it requires a user override to continue. But at the Electrify America stations, there is no such possibility for override. It wants its customers to leave so that others can use the service.

According to Electrify America president Robert Barrosa, the public’s charging behavior is a carryover from a lifetime of experience driving gas cars, where it’s customary to fill to 100% capacity. “Once you’re at a charger, it’s like ‘Oh, yeah. I’m filling all the way.’” He went on to say that some drivers may not even be aware of the drop-off in charging speed to get to full battery status. Others may be aware, but could be planning trips in places where charging stations are scarce, and therefore feel justified in taking the extra time.

Still others might be incentivized by free charging agreements from certain car manufacturers. Like customers who take advantage of all-you-can-eat buffets at restaurants, they may not feel like there’s any downside to filling to their heart’s content.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Every act of consideration for another, no matter how small, can be a way to love our neighbor as ourselves.

There is a brilliant short interview on Patheos with Os Guinness based on his book, A Free People's Suicide. Guinness argues that America may be on the road to a slow death by suicide.

Guinness said,

The title [of the book] goes back to Abraham Lincoln. “As a nation of free men, either we will live free for all time or die by suicide.” Strong, free nations always bring themselves down. That's going to be America's problem. It won't come down from foreign challenges but by internal corruptions, and in this case by the corruption of freedom.

Guinness also adds, "This is explicitly not a partisan issue. ... The framers had a vision of freedom which … was not only negative freedom from but also a positive freedom to be. American freedom now is almost exclusively freedom from—freedom from interference or freedom from constraint."

Editor’s Note: See also historian Will Durant's observation that “A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself within.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

History is filled with the evidence that nations which forsake godly principles and embrace sin will face severe consequences.

Michael Meyden, a 57-year-old father was sentenced to two years in prison for spiking fruit smoothies with a prescription sedative during a sleepover, in an attempt to make his daughter and her three friends go to bed. After Meyden dosed the girls, two of them blacked out, leading the third girl to text her mother in a panic, leading to the discovery of the incident. The girls were taken to Randall Children’s Hospital where they tested positive for benzodiazepine. Meyden pleaded guilty to three counts of causing another person to ingest a controlled substance, a felony.

The three 12-year-old victims and their mothers spoke in court, expressing their deep sense of betrayal and lasting harm.

One girl said, “Adults are not people I can simply trust anymore. They are people who scare me and make me think twice: What if they were to hurt me the same way as Mr. Meyden?”

Another girl, whose best friend is Meyden’s daughter, tearfully stated, “I trusted him because he was my best friend’s dad. He abused that trust.”

The third girl directly addressed Meyden, saying, “I am disgusted by the look of your face and your actions and all that you have done. You are horrible and I will always hate you for what you have done.”

“You played Russian roulette with my child’s life,” one mother told Meyden. She detailed how her daughter, “barely five feet tall and on a good day 70 pounds soaking wet,” had dangerously high levels of the drug in her system.

Another mother condemned Meyden’s behavior, stating, “No decent parent feels the need to drug their own child and her friends. No decent parent puts their hands on drugged and unconscious young girls without nefarious intent.”

Meyden explained he had spiked the smoothies because he wanted the girls to sleep so he could rest, but admitted he was overly fixated on getting them to bed. “My whole life is destroyed,” he lamented. Judge Ann Lininger acknowledged his remorse but emphasized the severe impact of his actions, telling him he had “created some tremendous wreckage through your decisions.” She praised the victims for their bravery and pursuit of justice, describing them as “strong, articulate young women who experienced an unfathomable injustice.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

This is an example of how extreme selfishness can lead to behavior that harms others resulting in a dramatic betrayal of trust that children place in those in authority over them such as parents, teachers, or church leaders.

She is the most famous celebrity whose name you don’t know: the actress who plays Flo in all those Progressive commercials. Yes, she is a real person.

As told in the New York Times, Flo (aka Stephanie Courtney) was once a struggling comedian trying to make it big, sending in tapes of her performances to Saturday Night Live. Driving to failed auditions in a car that didn’t go in reverse—and unable to pay to get it fixed. Courtney eventually landed a small role for an insurance ad spot as a cashier.

Fast forward to today and her comedy career is still non-existent, but she makes millions of dollars a year doing what she never wanted to do for a living. Courtney may have more zeros at the end of her pay check, but her story is far from unique. Youthful aspirations so often erode into some version of settling with the hand life (and God?) has dealt you.

NYT reporter Caity Weaver asked, “Who has a better job than you?” Courtney said, “There are times when I ask myself that. The miserable me who didn’t get to audition for ‘S.N.L.’ never would have known, how good life could be when she was denied what she wanted. I hope that’s coming through. I’m screaming it in your face.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Courtney’s story suggests something profound: it is a difficult wisdom to learn, as the Prodigal Son did, that there is something far more meaningful than the glory of what we might want for our lives. The faith that holds on to Christ simultaneously lets go of everything else.

A research study examined data from millions of plane flights to determine possible indicators for incidents of air rage—when passengers become unruly or violent in some way. The study found that flights that have a first class or business class cabin and a separate economy class section are more likely to report incidents of air rage than flights with only one class of seats.

The study also showed that when flights board from the rear of the aircraft, rather than inviting first class passengers aboard first, there were fewer incidences of unruly behavior. When people walk past passengers in the first class or business class cabin and see them swilling champagne and eating caviar, they feel as if they have been treated unequally and unjustly.

The envy and jealousy make passengers more prone to feel justified losing control and acting rudely or violently.

In August 2021, sports fans took note of the lopsided outcome of a football game meant to showcase the talents of highly touted high school prep stars. Broadcast on ESPN, the game was a shellacking, as IMG Academy triumphed over Bishop Sycamore, 58-0. The hapless Bishop Sycamore team was likened to the Washington Generals, the basketball club that served as traveling patsies for the world-famous Harlem Globetrotters. But after a recent documentary aired, audiences began to realize that this story was no laughing matter.

BS High was directed by Academy Award winners Martin Roe and Travon Free and aired on HBO. It tells the story of Roy Johnson, the coach who recruited and assembled the motley crew of football talent, promising them to deliver their dreams of college football stardom. Though it focuses mostly on Johnson, the documentary widens its lens to capture an unflattering portrait of all the various grifters who prey on high school athletes. Washington Post columnist Jerry Brewer called it “a thorough indictment of the youth sports ecosystem.”

Roe said in a recent interview “We didn’t approach this thing to find a villain. He turned out to be an incorrigible liar. We worked pretty hard to fight for the deepest truths we could uncover.” The documentary contains several disturbing allegations, including Johnson forging a check to pay for lodging, taking out COVID-19 relief loans in his players’ names, whipping a homeless man with a belt, and driving over geese to prove a point to his players.

Free said, “I hope parents who see this will realize the need to pay closer attention to the system and what it’s doing to their children. There were so many heartbreaking stories. That was one of the hardest things for me, having to watch a young person in real time confront emotions he never wanted to confront.”

When a video of an American Airlines pilot scolding his passengers during a pre-flight announcement went viral, some people deemed it patronizing. Others are hailing the pilot’s speech as an example of strong leadership—at a time when passengers desperately need it.

In the video the pilot set some ground rules for his passengers—including what they should expect from their flight attendants, and how they should treat each other during the journey.

The pilot said, “Remember, the flight attendants are here for your safety. After that they’re here to make your flight more enjoyable. They’re going to take care of you guys but you will listen to what they have to say because they represent my will in the cabin, and my will is what matters.”

The pilot added: “Be nice to each other. Be respectful to each other. I shouldn’t have to say that ... But I have to say it every single flight, because people don’t. And they’re selfish and rude, and we won’t have it.” He told passengers to store their bags properly, avoid leaning or falling asleep on other people, and use headphones instead of playing audio out loud on speakers.

The speech—“a little bit of fatherhood,” as the pilot deemed it—serves as a counterpoint to a bevy of recent videos depicting outbursts aboard aircrafts. Airlines have seen a significant uptick in unruly passenger reports: nearly 2,500 in 2020 and 6,000 in 2021, compared to roughly 1,200 in 2019 and less than 1,000 in years prior, according to FAA data.

The FAA has referred more than 250 of those cases to the Federal Bureau of Investigations since 2021, a move reserved for particularly violent incidents.

New Pew Research Center data has found that nowadays, 63% of men under 30 are electively single, up from 51% in 2019—and experts blame erotic alone-time online as a major culprit. Psychologist Fred Rabinowitz “[Young men] are watching a lot of social media, they’re watching a lot of porn, and I think they’re getting a lot of their needs met without having to go out. I think that’s starting to be a habit.”

The new, post-COVID numbers would surely back up previous research that the pandemic has made men prefer an evening alone instead of actually meeting a partner. 50% of single men responded that they are “looking for a committed relationship and/or casual dates,” a decrease compared to 61% four years ago.

But these statistics tell a sadder truth about this generation of men, NYU psych professor Niobe Way said. “We’re in a crisis of connection. Disconnection from ourselves and disconnection from each other. And it’s getting worse.”

Another factor at play might be the interests of women are changing—especially as suitors of the same age are becoming apparently less desirable. [Women would] rather go to brunch with friends than have a horrible date.

But perhaps the largest issue now with young men is that they are more lonely than women, a recent study showed. In the early 1990s, 55% of men were reported to have six or more close friends. That percentage dwindled down to 27% in 2021. Now, 15% of men say they have no close personal friendships.

University of Akron professor Ronald Levant said, “Women form friendships with each other that are emotionally intimate, whereas men do not. Even while not dating, [women] have girlfriends they spend time with and gain emotional support from.”

In late May of 2023, U.S. Attorney Rachael Rollins formally resigned her position after two federal oversight agencies launched wide-ranging investigations into her behavior. Those investigations concluded that she both lied to investigators and used her position to influence a local election.

Investigators say Rollins leaked information to the media for a story intended to sabotage Kevin Hayden, who was campaigning to replace her as U.S. attorney. The story contained the false accusation that Hayden was under federal investigation himself.

The initial investigations into Rollins’ behavior were sparked after she was seen at a fundraiser for the Democratic National Committee. This was a significant departure from the agenda of Rollins’ boss, Attorney General Merrick Garland, who repeatedly ensured that his agency’s top priority would be maintaining political independence. After Rollins was seen at the fundraiser, Garland barred any political appointees from attending fundraisers or other campaign events.

Rollins’ behavior was said to have violated the Hatch Act, a law that curtails political actions by government employees. Violations included an instance where she solicited 30 free tickets to a Boston Celtics game for youth basketball players, including a pair for herself.

According to the inspector general’s office in the Justice Department, Rollins’ behavior was among the “most egregious” in the history of the agency.

Possible Preaching Angle:

God cares about the delivery of justice, and doesn't look kindly on people who abuse their positions of power for personal gain.

Author and pastor Mark Sayers says there are two stories competing for our minds and hearts. The first story is broadcast loudly across pop culture, social media, and all media. It claims that you and I are the center of the universe. We are unique individuals, and we can be awesome. We just need to create our identities. By making the right choices with our wardrobe and weekends, and by hanging out with the right people and doing the right things, we can be limitlessly happy. The world offers you and me an amazing life; we just have to go out and make it happen.

The second story is quiet. It’s more of a whisper from the back burner in our brains, but it will not go away. It’s there in the quiet, in the middle of the night. It’s the longing when the promises of the first story under-deliver. The whisper tells us we were made for more. In hushed voices, it insists that we have an immovable and important identity, a sort of real home somewhere out there. We’re longing for it, and we know it’s not just in our imaginations. There’s got to be more to this life, it nags.

We continuously suppress that second story, though, largely because the first story is so loud. Everything from Instagram to movies to clothing ads to political campaigns declares that we can be whoever we want to be. Pursuing the second story takes time and intentionality and going against every cultural grain.