Sexual Passion

Sometimes journalism is useful for highlighting important trends in human behavior. Other times, however, journalistic coverage of a topic does more to inflate the popularity of an idea because its novelty is sure to attract attention.

According to Washington Post columnist Shadi Hamid, this is exactly what’s been happening surrounding the topic of polyamory. Hamid asked in a recent article:

Is it really popular? Or are people only saying it is. A self-fulfilling prophecy might be at work: Polyamory becomes more widespread because we think it’s already widespread. Norms around sexuality change because we think they’ve changed — even if they haven’t.

Hamid notes an uptick in interest of polyamory from Gen-Z users of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, and cites depictions of polyamory on streaming sites like Peacock and Max. But just as in regular relationships, fantasy is much easier to maintain than reality. “In this light, polyamory offers both license and a patina of legitimacy to the exploitative sexual desires of some men.”

He also notes that despite adherents’ insistence on the infinite nature of shared love, time management is also a salient issue:

As lived experience, polyamory is difficult and often unsustainable for most mere mortals. Having one partner requires planning. Having multiple partners requires even more, which is why accounts of “polycules” always seem to involve a lot of work, making shared Google calendars an essential tool in the arsenal of love.

Jealousy, like love, is a natural human emotion: If you love someone, how realistic is it that you will want to “share” that person with someone else?... It is no accident, then, that those who try polyamory often come away disillusioned. Only about 30 percent say they would do it again, with many citing as obstacles possessiveness and “difficult to navigate” emotional aspects.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Though offering some helpful insight, this is obviously the worldly viewpoint on sexual relationships. When preaching on sexual faithfulness in marriage we must add the spiritual consequences of adultery, including Hebrews 13:4, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”

As if online dating wasn’t hard enough, now users have to sift through profiles looking for increasingly expansive definitions of what it means to be in a committed relationship. Many people using dating apps are on them looking for “the one.” Increasingly, they’re running into profiles of people looking for a second, third, or fourth.

The monogamists say mainstream dating apps are being inundated with users who are in consensual open relationships, and they’d like them to go find their own app. Others say the apps are for people of all relationship styles and, as long as they’re up front about it, what’s the problem? The profiles clearly state: “ENM.” The letters stand for ethical nonmonogamy and more often than not, aren’t spelled out.

In late 2022, one dating app rolled out the ability for users to designate their “relationship type” at the top of their profile and whether they are monogamous or not, which the company says was a response to the needs of Gen Z.

“Gen Z is the most fluid generation in terms of their sexuality and identity, and they need their relationships—and their dating app as the meeting point—to support their openness to different types of connection,” a Hinge spokesman says.

A 2022 survey of more than 14,000 dating app users globally found that 16% of Americans have recently considered an ethical non-monogamous relationship. And around one-third of Americans describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy, according to a 2023 YouGov poll.

Contrary to popular opinion, married couples statistically don't have worse sex than singles, but better. In their groundbreaking study, The Case for Marriage, Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out that 40 percent of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20 percent of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40 percent of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30 percent of single women. Fifty percent of married men are physically and emotionally content versus 38 percent of cohabitating men.

A survey of sexuality conducted jointly by researchers at State University of New York at Stony Brook and the University of Chicago—called the "most authoritative ever" by U.S. News & World Report—found that of all sexually active people the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied were married couples. The myth of our culture is that the single life is a life of great sex and the height of pleasure, but this is a lie.

Waite and Gallagher conclude: "Promoting marriage ... will make for a lot more happy men and women. Sex in America reported that married sex beats all else.”

In his book “Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel”, Ray Ortlund writes:

The key to understanding the sexual wisdom of [the Bible] is to combine both form and freedom, both structure and liberation. Conservative people love form and restraint and control. Progressive people love freedom and openness and choices. Both see part of the truth, but wisdom sees more. Wisdom teaches us that God gave us our sexuality both to focus our romantic joy and to unleash our romantic joy.

When our desires are both focused and unleashed—both form and freedom—our sexual experience becomes wonderfully intensified. A marriage can flourish within both form and freedom, because sex is like a fire. In the fireplace, it keeps us warm. Outside the fireplace, it burns the house down. Here's the message of the Bible: "Keep the fire within the marital fireplace, and stoke that fire as hot as you can."

Kevin, a 24-year-old college graduate from Denver, wants to get married someday and is "almost 100% positive" that he will. But not soon, he says, "because I am not done being stupid yet. I still want to go out and have sex with a million girls." He believes that he's figured out how to do that:

Girls are easier to mislead than guys just by lying or just not really caring. If you know what girls want, then you know you should not give that to them until the proper time. If you do that strategically, then you can really have anything you want … whether it's a relationship, sex, or whatever. You have the control.

Kevin was one of 100 men and women, from a cross-section of American communities that researchers interviewed as they sought to understand how adults in their 20s and early 30s think about their relationships. He sounds like a jerk. But it's hard to convince him that his strategy won't work—because it has, for him and countless other men.

People like Kevin expect to make the transition from this selfish outlook to a committed relationship, but it isn't that easy. Psychologist Scott Stanley of the University of Denver sees visible daily sacrifices, such as accepting inconveniences in order to see a woman, as the way that men typically show their developing commitment. It signals the expectation of a future together. Such small instances of self-sacrificing love may sound simple, but they are less likely to develop when past and present relationships are founded on the expectation of cheap sex

An article in Vanity Fair contains some shocking quotes and vignettes about a website that connects people for the sole purpose of having sex. Marty, an investment banker from Manhattan, claims that he's been "racking up girls." He says he's slept with 30 to 40 women in the last year: "I sort of play that I could be a boyfriend kind of guy," in order to win them over, "but then they start wanting me to care more … and I just don't."

"It's like ordering Seamless," says Dan, another investment banker, referring to the online food-delivery service. "But you're ordering a person."

"There is no dating. There's no relationships," says Amanda, a senior at Boston College. "They're rare. You can have a fling that could last like seven, eight months and you could never actually call someone your 'boyfriend.' [Hooking up] is a lot easier. No one gets hurt—well, not on the surface."… It's a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less."

One of Amanda's friends chimes in, "Sex should stem from emotional intimacy, and it's the opposite with us right now, and I think it really is kind of destroying females' self-images."

The reporter says that none of the guys she spoke to want to be in a relationship. "I don't want one," says Nick. "I don't want to have to deal with all that—stuff." "You can't be selfish in a relationship," Brian says. "It feels good just to do what I want."

She asks them if it ever feels like they lack a deeper connection with someone. There's a small silence. After a moment, John says, "I think at some points it does." "But that's assuming that that's something that I want, which I don't," Nick says, a trifle annoyed. "Does that mean that my life is lacking something? I'm perfectly happy. I have a good time. I go to work—I'm busy. And when I'm not, I go out with my friends."

In the interview with Jonathan Merritt, N.T. Wright said:

We need to remind ourselves that the entire biblical sexual ethic is deeply counter-intuitive. All human beings some of the time, and some human beings most of the time, have deep heartfelt longings for kinds of sexual intimacy or gratification (multiple partners, pornography, whatever) which do not reflect the creator's best intentions for his human creatures, intentions through which new wisdom and flourishing will come to birth. Sexual restraint is mandatory for all, difficult for most, extremely challenging for some. God is gracious and merciful but this never means that his creational standards don't really matter after all.

Pastor Andy Stanley gathered with about 250 singles to answer questions on the topic of love, sex, and dating Attendees were asked to write their questions on cards and turn them into the moderator ahead of time. The most pointed question of the night came from a middle-aged gentleman. His card read, "I'm divorced. Why save sex for marriage?" Here's Stanley's reply:

Good question. Your direct question deserves a direct answer. If all there is to life is this life, if you are merely a predator and women are prey, if sex is just physical and disconnected from the concept of permanency, exclusivity, and relationship, then I can't think of a reason not to have sex with as many women as you can convince to hop into bed with you."

Stanley commented: "That's not exactly the answer they were expecting from their pastor. My answer was particularly disturbing to women in the audience. Heck, it was particularly disturbing to me." Stanley continued:

But if there's more to this life than what meets the eye … if there is a God in whose image you've been made and in whose image every woman you've met has been made, if sex is a creation that was created with a purpose and if part of that purpose is to enhance the expression of intimacy between two people … and if that fragile, wonderful, delicate experience we term intimacy can be damaged or broken through abuse, then your sexual conduct matters a great deal. So you have to decide what you believe. Not just about sex. About everything. Once you decide, the answer to your important question will be clear. Perhaps uncomfortably clear.

They say that beauty is only skin deep, but many studies have shown that we have an inherent bias to view attractive people as better, smarter, and more socially competent. This strong attractiveness bias impacts everything from hiring decisions, to how highly students rate professors, to how well students are treated by their teachers.

This bias is especially strong in our 21st century dating scene. As an example, the comedy writer Ali Reed created a fake profile on the dating site OK Cupid for a woman she called "AaronCarterFan." (Aaron Carter, for the uninitiated, is the younger brother of a Backstreet Boy.) Then she loaded her profile with despicable traits, including "enjoys kicking cups out of homeless people's hands," and "my parents think I'm in law school so they pay all my bills—LOL," and "you should message me if ur rich." But for the online photo Reed used the real photo of a friend who's a professional model.

What happened to the beautiful but decadent fake "AaronCarterFan"? Reed said, "[She] did very well. In the first 24 hours she got 150 messages. I had the profile up for two or three weeks, and she had close to 1000 men message her. She got probably 10 times the number of messages that my real profile got."

One of the most devastating repercussions of pervasive online porn use by young men is its distorting effects on relationships. Men are finding that "real life" women are not as sexually satisfying to them as digital women. Some women feel pressured to act like porn stars to meet expectations. Damian Thompson, author of The Fix: How Addiction is Invading Our Lives and Taking Over Your World, writes about this 21st century malady:

Some women are finding it increasingly difficult to satisfy men, particularly those under 30. It's not their fault. Short of digitizing themselves, there's no way they could fulfill the needs of their porn-obsessed partners. Why? Because, to put it bluntly, their boyfriends [or husbands] no longer want to have sex with human beings. Their brains have been conditioned by fantasy. Sex with another person can no longer produce the same rush of dopamine and endorphins that [come from looking at online porn]. This is the logical endpoint for both sexes of an addiction to internet pornography ….

Tim Keller was once asked to identify a few obstacles to revival in the contemporary church. Drawing on his experience in Manhattan, Keller started with one issue—the fact that almost all singles outside the Church and a majority inside the Church are sleeping with each other.

Keller illustrated the point by talking about a tactic, one that he admitted was almost too unkind to use, that an old college pastor associate of his used when catching up with college students who were home from school. He'd ask them to grab coffee with him to catch up on life. When he'd ask about their spiritual lives, they'd often hem and haw, talking about the difficulties and doubts now that they'd taken a little philosophy, or maybe a science class or two, and how it all started to shake the foundations. At that point, he'd look at them and ask one question, "So who have you been sleeping with?" Shocked, their faces would inevitably fall and say something like "How did you know?" Keller pointed out that it's a pretty easy bet that when you have a kid coming home with questions about evolution or philosophy, or some such issue, the prior issue is a troubled conscience.

Keller concludes that if the Church is going to see serious spiritual renewal, especially among the younger generations, we need to present an alternative view of sex that is beautiful, but different than the one offered in the dominant cultural narratives; a view of sexuality that affirms its goodness while placing it within God's intended framework.

For most of his career as a British journalist, Malcolm Muggeridge was a quarrelsome writer known for heavy drinking and smoking, womanizing, and espousing his agnostic viewpoint. But towards the end of his life he came to faith in Christ. But as a younger man who wrote a letter to his father and described an incident that revealed the sinful bent of his heart and the power of the flesh.

Just after graduating from Cambridge, Muggeridge moved to India to teach English. One day as he was strolling by a nearby river in the early evening, he spotted the silhouette of a woman bathing on the other side. Muggeridge later wrote that his heart began to race with what he called the "wild unreasonableness which is called passion." Overcome by lust, he plunged into the water and started crossing the river. As he approached the woman, he suddenly realized that she was a toothless, wrinkled, and deformed leper. He quickly threw himself back into the river and started swimming in the other direction.

Years later, Muggeridge admitted that the real shock that morning was not the leper, as mind-bending as that would be. Rather, it was the condition of his own heart, dark, with appetites overpowering his weak will. He wrote, "If only I could paint, I'd make a wonderful picture of a passionate boy running after that and call it: 'The lusts of the flesh.'"

In 1896, a film called The Kiss outraged moral guardians by showing a couple stealing a quick kiss. "Absolutely disgusting," said one critic. "Such things call for police action." By the 1990s, prime-time network entertainment offered sexual remarks or behavior every four minutes. From their monitoring of network programs … Louis Harris and Associates estimated that the average viewer witnesses 14,000 sexual events annually. Nearly all involve unmarried people. An analysis of one week of network prime-time TV found that intercourse was mentioned or intimated by unmarried couples 90 times and by married couples once. Rarely are there any consequences. No one gets herpes or AIDS. No one gets pregnant. No one has to change diapers, get up in the middle of the night, or heroically struggle to socialize a fatherless child. In fact, more than two-thirds of the time (in another analysis of 220 scenes of unmarried sex) the activity is portrayed as desirable, [and] less than 10 percent of the time [sexual activity between unmarried adults is portrayed] as undesirable.

"Sex addiction" remains a controversial designation—often dismissed as a myth or providing talk-show punchlines thanks to high-profile [cases] such as … Tiger Woods. But compulsive sexual behavior … can systematically destroy a person's life much as addictions to alcohol or drugs can. And it's affecting an increasing number of Americans, say psychiatrists and addiction experts. "It's a national epidemic," says Steven Luff, coauthor of Pure Eyes: A Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity.

Reliable figures for the number of diagnosed sex addicts are difficult to come by, but studies suggest 3% to 8% of American adults, which translates to 6-24 million people, might be classified with sex addiction [Mayo Clinic Health System, Addiction Help]. Some sources report a higher number, like 21 million, but this might be due to a broader definition of problematic sexual behavior [Birches Health]. Some 1,276 sex therapists treating compulsive behavior are practicing today, up from fewer than 100, 20 years ago, say several researchers and clinicians, while dozens of rehabilitation centers now advertise treatment programs, up from just five or six in the same period.

The demographics are changing, too. "Where it used to be 40- to 50-year-old men seeking treatment, now there are more females, adolescents, and senior citizens," says Tami VerHelst, vice president of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals. "Grandfathers getting caught with porn on their computers by grandkids, and grandkids sexting at 12."

Editor’s Note: Statistics have been updated as of 2024.

In his book Eyes of Integrity , Craig Gross contends that our battle with sexual immorality (and other sins) often begins in the mind. Then he shares the following personal story about identifying the battle for our mind:

It was spring break in New Orleans, the streets were packed with college-age partiers, and the debauchery had reached an all-time high. My friend Donald and I ... had no idea we were going to be stepping into a raucous street party. A few minutes of the madness swirling around us, and both of us knew we needed to get out. Quick. The smell of beer infused the air, and high above the street level, lined along the apartment balconies, women revelers danced, flashing the crowd. Spontaneous applause and cheers erupted in every direction every few seconds.

Waiting for a cab, I was torn as thoughts of these women flooded my mind. I was thinking about who they were. I thought of my own little girl at home and wondered if any dads knew their little girls were here, dancing. But while one side of me wanted to pray for the lost little girls, I felt the other side being drawn in, tempted to stop and stare. I was engulfed in a war of conscience and conviction, between my commitment to guard my mind and a strong call to take mental snapshots.

"Take every thought captive" the apostle Paul declared …. Why? Because he knew the mind is the root issue, the systematic cause of all moral failures. The mind begins the process of every action we take, and I had to ask myself: Am I willing to arrest these thoughts that are producing an insane magnetism towards unhealthy action? When I sat in the taxicab with my mind on erotic autopilot, I had to make a decision …. [Thankfully], God was faithful and really did provide a way out for me.

In his book, The Great Divorce, C. S. Lewis tells of a busload of people who travel to heaven on their way to take up residence in hell. These people appear thin and almost ghostlike in the robust atmosphere of heaven, and most of them immediately flee back to the comfort of their bus. One Ghost, who is plagued by a talkative red lizard (representing the power of sin and lust) that sits on his shoulder, ventures out into the plains of heaven and encounters an angel. Lewis describes their meeting, which is a parable of God's invitation to break the power of sin in our life and to transform it into something for his glory:

A mighty angel approached the man and asked, "Would you like me to make the lizard quiet?"

"Of course I would," said the Ghost.

"Then I will kill him," said the Angel, taking a step forward.

"Oh—ah—look out! You're burning me. Keep away," said the Ghost, retreating.

"Don't you want him killed?"

"You didn't say anything about killing him at first. I hardly meant to bother you with anything so drastic as that."

"It's the only way," said the Angel …. "Shall I kill it?"

"Look! It's gone to sleep of its own accord. I'm sure it'll be all right now. Thanks ever so much."

"May I kill it?"

"Honestly, I don't think there's the slightest necessity for that. I'm sure I shall be able to keep it in order now. Some other day, perhaps."

"There is no other day …."

"Get back! You're burning me. How can I tell you to kill it? You'd kill me if you did."

"It is not so."

"Why, you're hurting me now."

"I never said I wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you."

[Suddenly] the Lizard began chattering loudly: "Be careful," it said. "He can do what he says. He can kill me. One fatal word from you and he will! Then you'll be without me for ever and ever. I'll be so good. I admit I've sometimes gone too far in the past, but I promise I won't do it again …."

"Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.

"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."

"Then I may?"

"Blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."

Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such as I never heard. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf.

Then I saw, unmistakably solid but growing every moment solider, the Ghost materialize into a man, not much smaller than the Angel.

At the same moment something seemed to be happening to the Lizard. At first I thought the operation had failed. So far from dying, the creature was still struggling and even growing bigger as it struggled. And as it grew it changed. Suddenly I stared back, rubbing my eyes. What stood before me was the greatest stallion I have ever seen, silvery white but with mane and tail of gold.

The man, now free from his torment, climbed upon the stallion that had been his sin and rode into the glowing sunrise towards the Savior.

Wesley Hill writes movingly about growing up in a Christian home and being taught biblical views on sexuality. And yet, Hill writes, "Confusingly, I found myself, just when all my friends were beginning to notice girls and become interested in dating, having longings to be in that kind of relationship with a member of my own sex." After receiving wise and loving guidance from Christian mentors, Hill writes:

As I discovered more about Christianity's historic teaching, I found myself convinced of the position which the church has held with almost total unanimity throughout the ages—that although many people find themselves, through no fault of their own, to have sexual desires for members of their own sex, this is not something to be affirmed and celebrated but is, rather, a sign that we are broken, in need of redemption and re-creation. Gay people are not uniquely broken—that's a position we share with every other human who has ever lived, or will live—but we are, nonetheless, broken. And following Jesus means turning our backs on a life of sexual sin, just as it does for every other Christian.

He offers this advice to others who struggle with same-sex attraction:

If you're someone living with homosexual feelings, Jesus' message to you … is not primarily a no to your deepest hunger. I do believe that discipleship to him entails giving up gay sex and gay relationships. And that may be more painful than you can imagine right now …. But, ultimately, Jesus is offering you the kingdom. He is offering you eternal life. He is offering you himself in the gospel. Sacrificing your sexual freedom … may seem like a high price to pay—and it is a high price to pay!—but he promises you a joy so stunningly great that if you felt the full weight of it now, you would literally come undone.

Gary Thomas tells the following story about a friend of his who was on a business trip:

After the sessions an attractive young woman knocked on his hotel door …. When he opened the door, she pushed through and walked right into his room.

"You can't be in here," he said.

"Why not?" she asked teasingly. "Are you scared?"

The woman started acting seductively. She made it very clear that she was available for any sexual favor of his choosing. When he insisted that she leave, she finally did something … [that] was over-the top provocative.

Immediately afterward, my friend wisely told two business associates exactly what happened …. My friend is a godly man, but he's human. He admits he slept very little that night …. He couldn't get this woman's words or related images out of his mind. He tossed and turned, thankful he hadn't fallen but exhausted from being so provoked.

Two months later, he returned to that city, working with the same company he had worked with on his previous visit—when the [same] young woman pulled him aside.

"We have to talk," she said.

My friend's heart started racing as he feared the worst …. Her first words put him at ease.

"I can't thank you enough for being the first man who has ever cared about me more than my breasts."

My friend learned that this woman had been abused earlier in life. She had been promiscuous ever since her early teen years, and because of her physical appearance no man had ever been willing to walk away from her advances. And so she kept reliving the moments of her deepest hurt.

"I'm going back to church," she told him. "I need to get my life back together. When I finally met a man like you who was more interested in me than in my body, it showed me how messed up I had become."