Thankfulness

Being grateful is an American tradition, especially this week. And research has shown that it has mental- and physical-health benefits, including less depression and better sleep, relationships and success at work.

But a recent article on The Wall Street Journal argued that what it calls “performative gratitude” may be bad for you. The article states: “Performative gratitude—compelling ourselves to be grateful when we’re not—is a form of toxic positivity. The energy we expend trying to avoid the uncomfortable feeling will, ironically, keep us focused on the problem. Then we feel guilty because we failed to be grateful.”

“Forced gratitude is manipulating,” says Sara Kuburic, a psychotherapist based in Sydney. “It prevents us from taking responsibility to change things to make them the way we want them to be.”

Pushing ourselves to feel grateful can harm our relationships, too. If we’re putting on a facade, we’re not being honest, and that can lead to resentment and a lack of communication. It can also make us appear like a Pollyanna—someone out of touch with reality. And this can leave us vulnerable to people who see us as a pushover.
One of the researchers said, “Grateful people may be perceived to be more forgiving and tolerant, so others may feel they can get away with something.”

Possible Preaching Angles:

The Bible urges us to be grateful for the Lord and his good character—but that can still allow room to express negative emotions like sadness or anger, as we see so often in the psalms of lament, for instance. But that isn’t ingratitude; it’s gratitude that has grappled with sorrow but still trusts in God.

Psychologists John and Julie Schwartz Gottman write:

While every partnership is unique, with its own set of challenges, there’s one thing that all couples have in common: We want to be appreciated. To be acknowledged for our efforts. We want to be seen.

The No. 1 phrase in successful relationships: “Thank you.”

A thriving relationship requires an enthusiastic culture of appreciation, where we’re as good at noticing the things our partners are doing right as we are at noticing what they’re doing wrong. But it’s easy to fall into the trap of only seeing what your partner is not doing. You develop a narrative where you’re the one putting in all the effort, and you start to believe it’s true. Getting rid of this toxic mindset requires building a new one: scanning for the positives and saying “thank you.”

You probably say “thank you” all day long, almost without thinking, to your colleagues, to the bagger at the supermarket, or to the stranger who holds the door for you. But in our most intimate relationships, we can forget how important saying “thank you” really is.

For many couples we found that when one person started the cycle of appreciation, it became easy for the other to join in and strengthen it. Notice that they washed the breakfast dishes, answered phone calls, picked up the toys strewn all over the living room, and made you coffee when they went to make one for themselves.

Thank them for something routine that they’re doing right, even if it’s small, even if they do it every day—in fact, especially if it’s small and they do it every day! But don’t just say “Hey, thanks.” Tell them why that small thing is a big deal to you: “Thank you for making the coffee every morning. I love waking up to the smell of it and the sounds of you in the kitchen. It just makes me start the day off right.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

If saying “thank you” is crucial in human relationships, let’s remember how much more important it is to offer praise and gratitude to our Heavenly Father for all his grace and acts of kindness to us (Ps. 22:3; Ps. 100:4; 1 Pet. 2:9).

Pro quarterback Patrick Mahomes had just limped his way through a last-minute, game-winning drive in the 2023 AFC Championship when he gave the credit for his performance to someone that even the biggest Kansas City Chiefs fans had never heard of. “Julie WAS the reason I was the guy I was on the field today!” Mahomes wrote to his millions of followers on Twitter that night. Her full name is Julie Frymer.

Who is she and why is she so important to the team? She’s the assistant athletic trainer. Frymyer had one of the NFL’s most important jobs in the 2022-2023 season: She was in charge of putting Mahomes through rehab for his injured ankle and getting the star quarterback ready to play for a spot in the Super Bowl.

Hobbling through a nasty sprain that often requires weeks of recovery, Mahomes wasn’t just able to play against the Cincinnati Bengals. He was fantastic. He was clearly gimpy, grimacing through several plays, but he was mobile enough to make several key plays, including a crucial run setting up the last-second field goal that sent the Chiefs to the Super Bowl to face the Philadelphia Eagles.

Mahomes going out of his way to praise her was the first time most people in Arrowhead Stadium had ever heard the name Julie Frymyer, but the Chiefs knew her value long before the guy with a contract worth nearly half a billion dollars, might as well have given her the game ball.

We may sometimes toss around the expression "faith like a child." Maybe we should ask South Carolina toddler Sutton Whitt what she thinks of that phrase. Sutton's parents put her to bed without saying bedtime prayers with her first. There was a championship football game on, and they were in a bit of a hurry to say goodnight and get back to the TV.

So, what did Sutton do? She said her prayers herself. Sutton's mom told CNN that she and her husband "started hearing noises upstairs," so they turned on the baby monitor to discover Sutton praying and thanking God for all sorts of people: grandparents, parents, Santa Claus. Her prayer closed "with a resounding 'Amen.'" It's a beautiful example of how "to give thanks in all things."

You can watch the video here.

The manager of a Minnesota store was surprised to come back from lunch to find his counterhelp walking around in her socks. That’s because security camera footage revealed she had just given her favorite shoes, a pair of purple retro Jordans, to a homeless man she saw strapping boxes to his feet. Employee Ta Leia Thomas, known locally as “Ace” said the split-second act of kindness “was an easy decision.”

Thomas said, “He said nobody would ever give me shoes like that. and I said, ‘Well, I’m not everybody. I was always taught to help others. You never know what their problem is, or what they are going through.’”

Manager Tom Agnes said that even before the generous act, he wished he had 12 Aces on his team, such is her work ethic and joyful connection with customers. Agnes bought her a fresh pair of kicks before her shift was over, after which he shared the security camera footage on social media.

Thomas has been overwhelmed by the comments of love and appreciation, which quickly grew all the more intense after Agnes and a few friends in the industry came together to raise $450 for Thomas to buy another pair of purple Jordans.

Now after becoming a little bit more attentive to Ace’s life, Agnes learned that she is the sole caretaker of her mother, who sleeps in Ace’s bed while Ace sleeps on the floor. In the end he just gave her the cash rather than the shoes to buy a second bed.

You can watch the act of kindness here.

In the fall of 1863, President Abraham Lincoln issued two landmark statements. The first was the famous Gettysburg Address in which Lincoln commemorated the battlefield of Gettysburg. The other statement, made just weeks before, may be a bit more surprising. On October 3, 1863, President Lincoln instituted the first official Thanksgiving holiday.

Lincoln wrote, “It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gracious gifts of the Most High God] should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.” Thus, Lincoln set apart the last Thursday of November as “a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father.” Apparently, in the midst of the worst war our nation had ever seen, Lincoln thought the time was ripe for gratitude.

We may be tempted to think Lincoln’s statement of gratitude was inappropriate, naïve, or even offensive. Reading the entire text of Lincoln’s Thanksgiving Proclamation, however, disabuses the modern reader from the conclusion that he had (somehow) forgotten about the Civil War. Lincoln candidly addressed the horrors of the Civil War, a war “of unequaled magnitude and severity” that had transformed tens of thousands of Americans into “widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife.” But he coupled this hardship with hope, recognizing the hand of God guiding him through the valley of the shadow of death.

Conflict and gratitude. Hardship and hope. Lincoln wasn’t confused. He was seeing thanksgiving through a biblical lens.

Possible Preaching Angle:

The surprising context for the holiday Lincoln instituted is a good reminder to us today. God wants us to “give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thess. 5:18) because it focuses our hope and future in the goodness and power of our God and not on our “light and momentary troubles” (2 Cor. 4:17).

Marilyn Oettinger can't stop thinking about it--and neither can her family. "There she was," says her daughter Margie, "confused, flabbergasted, embarrassed. And this guy rescued her."

She's talking about when her 89-year-old mom went on a grocery run with some other seniors to the Star Market in Auburndale--a rare unassisted trip since losing her husband in July. Things went fine until the checkout line, when Marilyn discovered her only credit card had been canceled two days earlier--because the account was in her late husband's name. "And this amazing person behind her said 'Don't worry. I'll take care of your groceries,'" Margie said.

The bill certainly wasn't meager--it was $109. Marilyn accepted his offer--believing she'd get the guy's contact info and pay him back later. Margie said, “She tried to get his name, but he said 'No. Just say a prayer for me.'" And then--with his good deed done--the fella vanished.

"That gives me the chills," said a woman wheeling a cart from the store. "That's an amazing story. Really cool." A man leaving the store agreed. "You know it makes me happy when someone who doesn't really want the credit gets it. They deserve it, right?"

Indeed, Marilyn’s family is pledging to pay it forward with similar kindness on future trips to the supermarket. But they also reached out on social media, trying to at least get the chance to say a proper "thank you." Margie says, "We're trying to find him. And even if he doesn't want to come forward, we're hoping that he'll know that we're incredibly grateful."

They've already said the prayer--several times. Margie said, “It's amazing to have an angel like that.”

At the end of her freshman year at the University of Tampa, Kira Rumfola packed her bags and headed to the airport with her favorite roommate: a colorful betta fish named Theo. Kira, 19, was headed home to Long Island for the summer and was happy to be bringing home the little fish that she had bonded with. She figured there would be no problem taking Theo onboard the plane in a small portable fish carrier. She said, “I’d done it before over the holidays with another airline, so I filled the container with water and put Theo in it.”

But there was a problem. While she was checking in, a customer service agent Ismael Lazo noticed the fish and explained to Kira that the airline’s pet policy allowed only small dogs and cats onboard in carriers. No other pets are permitted on planes.

Kira said, “All of my roommates had already gone home for the summer and I had nobody to leave Theo with. “I was really sad and wondered what I was going to do. He’s my pet.”

Lazo said he understood Rumfola’s concern for Theo. “I have two dogs—I wouldn’t want to abandon them somewhere. How about if I take your fish home to live with me and my fiancée until you come back for college in the fall? You can text me over the summer to see how he’s doing whenever you like.”

Kira’s face lit up, Lazo said. Right away, he felt good about his unusual offer. Kira promised she would check in often over the summer to see how Theo was faring in his temporary home.

As soon as she arrived home in New York, she texted Lazo: “Hi Ismael, it’s the girl from the airport with the fish! I was just wondering how he is doing.” Lazo quickly responded: “Hey! We are heading to the store to buy him a bigger tank.”

Lazo said that he didn’t feel sad when Kira returned to classes in late August and it was time to reunite her with Theo. “To be honest, I was worried about something happening to him on our watch. So, I was happy for Kira to have him back.”

When Rumfola went to Lazo’s apartment to pick up the fish, she gave him and his fiancée a store gift card and some candy as a gesture of thanks.

In the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Maggie Smith plays Muriel Donnelly, a cranky British retiree living in a dilapidated hotel in Jaipur, India. She is wheelchair-bound so the hotel staff assigned a Dalit or outcaste woman to care for her.

The woman invites Muriel to her home so that her whole family can meet her. Muriel goes with a translator because the Dalit woman and her family don’t speak English. When the Dalit woman showers Muriel with food and hospitality, Muriel asked the translator why. The translator responds, “Because you have been kind to her.” Mariel shamefully responds, “But I haven’t been kind. “The translator responds, “You’re the only one who acknowledges her. “

For a poor, Dalit woman, the fact that Mariel saw her and talked with her, even though it was more at her, was an acknowledgment of her worth and their common humanity. When we go out as pursuers in eternal relationship with Jesus, we start to see people no one else sees. God’s heart becomes our heart.

Nadia Popovici kept shifting her eyes from the hockey game to the back of Brian Hamilton’s neck. Mr. Hamilton, an assistant equipment manager for the Vancouver Canucks, had a small mole there. It was irregularly shaped and red-brown in color — possible characteristics of skin cancer. Nadia had served at hospitals as a nursing assistant.

“I need to tell him,” Nadia told her parents at the NHL game in Seattle. So, she typed a message on her cell phone and waited for the game to end. After waving several times, she finally drew Mr. Hamilton’s attention, and placed her phone against the plexiglass. Her message read: “The mole on the back of your neck is possibly cancerous. Please go see a doctor!” with the words “mole,” “cancer” and “doctor” colored bright red.

Hamilton said he looked at the message, rubbed the back of his neck and kept walking, thinking, “Well, that’s weird.” Nadia said she regretted the message and thought at the time, “Maybe that was inappropriate of me to bring up.”

After the game, Hamilton talked to his doctor, had it removed, and had a biopsy. Nadia was correct. It was type-2 malignant melanoma, and she had just saved his life. Hamilton said, “She took me out of a slow fire, and the words out of the doctor’s mouth were if I ignored that for four to five years, I wouldn’t be here.”

Then Hamilton tried to find his “hero” by posting a message on the team’s Twitter that said: “To this woman I am trying to find, you changed my life, and now I want to find you to say THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! Problem is, I don’t know who you are or where you are from.” Three hours later they found Nadia. After Hamilton expressed his gratitude, the team gave her a sweet gift—a $10,000 scholarship to use for medical school expenses.

When Dominican catcher Yermín Mercedes made his Major League Baseball debut for the Chicago White Sox, he impressed fans and team officials alike with his offensive production. He got at least one base hit in an MLB-record eight consecutive games. Unfortunately, his bat eventually cooled off. Mercedes then experienced an extended batting slump that resulted in a demotion to the minor league Charlotte Knights.

Mercedes took his fans by surprise when he abruptly announced his retirement from baseball after a Knights game on July 21st. That night, his Instagram post included the words “I’m stepping aside from baseball indefinitely…God bless you, it’s over.”

At the time, White Sox manager Tony La Russa affirmed Mercedes’ baseball ability, saying that “it could be he’s just feeling frustrated. ... I’ll try to explain to him he’s got a big-league future.”

It’s unclear if the call that made a difference was from La Russo, from Charlotte manager Wes Helms, or from someone else. But the next day, Mercedes showed up for work, posting the following apology:

My dream is to be an established player in the major leagues. I asked God to give me that opportunity and I got it 3 months ago. I owe myself to my family, my organization and my fans [to continue]. I asked again for forgiveness if I have failed them. Baseball is in my blood…and I thank God for guiding me to the right path and to make the correct decision. To those going to a similar situation, forget the criticisms and bad comments. They will always exist to trample on your personality.

Since the apology, Mercedes has continued to play well. On August 16th, he even went 5-for-5 from the plate, homering twice.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Reconsidering a decision and acting in humility have the potential to redeem and even turn around even the worst of circumstances. God's grace and power gives us access to strength outside of ourselves when we need it the most

God looked with delight upon his handiwork at the end of each day of creation having found it good. Part of what it means for us to be created in God's image is to possess a natural appreciation for beauty and the urge to celebrate it and its source.

Anyone who doubts this need only visit the pier at Mallory Square in Key West, Florida around sunset. Tourists from the world over line the railing there each day and watch reverently as the sun sinks silently into the western horizon. In its fading rays a spontaneous response ensues--clapping!

Beholding once this ritual with my own eyes, I couldn't help but wonder. For whom do they think they're clapping?

Possible Preaching Angles:

1) As a Thanksgiving illustration this reveals mankind's universal inclination to give thanks; 2) The incongruity of recognizing the beauty in God's handiwork but denying his existence (Rom. 1).

In a recent interview with GQ, George Clooney discusses his "charmed" life. GQ's "Icon of the Year" was married in 2014 at the age of 53. But in 2013, the celebrity had no children and no clue that this would ever change. He shared:

I thought, what I do have are these guys who've all, over a period of 35 years, helped me in one way or another. I've slept on their couches when I was broke. They loaned me money when I was broke. They helped me when I needed help over the years. And I've helped them over the years. We're all good friends. And I thought, you know, without them I don't have any of this.

In true Oceans 11 style, he located a bank in downtown Los Angeles that warehoused large sums of actual cash, borrowed a beat-up old van with the words "Florist" on the side, took the van to this undisclosed location, drove onto a freight elevator, and rode it down to a basement where pallets of cash were stored. He then loaded 14 (high-end) Tumi bags each with $1m. He called his friends to a meeting and gave each a bag of non-sequential unmarked bills.

GQ concludes:

This is a story about a charmed life. But it's also a story about a guy who is doing his best to keep it that way, to liven up the days, to give himself more stories to tell before his time is up." I'll simply paraphrase Clooney's final words, “You know, it's funny. I remember talking to one really rich [individual] who I ran into in a hotel in Vegas—certainly a lot richer than I am. And the story about the cash I gave away had come out, and he was like, “Why would you do that?” And I was like, “Why wouldn't you do that, you … (jerk)?”

Saul and Keon have never missed a day of work picking up trash in Miami Beach. They’re especially glad they were covering their route this week as a beautiful surprise awaited them. When their huge truck rolled down the street into the community, they found scores of residents who’d gotten up early to line the street with signs and balloons, all to simply say “We love you.”

Jennifer Elegant wanted to show her family’s appreciation so she organized the socially-distanced surprise thank you celebration to honor the essential workers whom she called “extraordinary.” “They bring an incredible, positive energy to the entire neighborhood. Simply put, they spread joy.” Even the Miami Beach mayor, Dan Gelber, showed up to salute them—because Saul and Keon do so much more than pick up trash.

Jennifer went on to say, “What is particularly special about these two men is the positive energy that they bring with them. They always have smiles on their faces and never miss an opportunity to say hello and brighten someone’s day. They also go out of their way to help others and expect nothing in return.”

One day, Saul spent 45 minutes helping a neighbor dig through her trash to help her look for her lost wedding ring. He also waited over an hour with another neighbor who was having heart issues and needed an ambulance.

Jennifer has had “meaningful discussions” with these amazing sanitation workers about their inspiring levels of happiness. She said, “They continue to maintain their upbeat demeanor even during this stressful COVID-19 pandemic, sacrificing their own safety in order to keep our city clean and beautiful. Every day we are surrounded by heroes who bring us inspiration and joy but too often we are unable to recognize these special individuals for the impact they make on others. I wanted Saul and Keon to know that we are thankful from the bottom of our hearts.”

If you look on the bright side, you just might live longer—much longer, according to some upbeat research. A study finds women who characterize themselves as having the highest levels of optimism live 15% longer than the least optimistic women and have a 50% greater chance of reaching age 85. The most optimistic men live 11% longer and are 70% more likely to reach 85. (The different results for men and women are not significant, the researchers say.)

One key seems to involve the body’s stress response. Studies have shown that chronic stress can lead to inflammation which can cause many diseases. Compared to pessimists, the most optimistic people say they sleep better and longer, are less likely to be sleepy during the day, and are 74% more likely to report no symptoms of insomnia.

Lead author Rosalba Hernandez, a professor at the University of Illinois, says: “Optimists are more likely to engage in active problem (solving) and to interpret stressful events in more positive ways.” People who are optimistic and goal-oriented agree strongly with statements like “I can find something positive, even in the worst situations.” Optimists experienced greater reductions in depression, anxiety, and panic disorders.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Faith; Sovereignty of God; Trust – Life is often troubled (John 16:33) and dark (Eph. 6:12) but our attitude is crucial. Christ followers are commanded to not worry (Philippians 4:6-7), or fear (Psalm 56:3), but to give thanks in everything (1 Thessalonians 5:18). This optimism comes from trusting our sovereign Heavenly Father who promises us that our future will be supremely better than our present (Eph. 2:6-7).

At Princeton University, an artist has taken it upon himself to honor a group of unsung heroes with an honor usually reserved for top-level donors, former presidents, or founding charter holders. Mario Moore painted a series of ten portraits honoring the blue-collar laborers who help keep the campus functioning in the areas of maintenance, facilities, dining, grounds, and security.

In an interview with CNN, Moore said he wanted to depict those folks “in a position of power.” University spokesman Ben Chang said, “Mario's portraits capture beautifully the character and contributions of valued members of our campus community and bolster our broader efforts to ensure Princeton's portraiture … reflects the University's values and diversity.”

According to Tracy K. Smith, the art center chair, “Mario’s work and his presence on campus have served to heal some of the lasting wounds of racial division that have long marred this institution's history.”

Possible Preaching Angle: God is honored when we recognize unsung heroes, people who serve quietly and consistently, for the benefit of the community.

Actor Shia LaBeouf had a surprising shout-out during his acceptance speech at the Hollywood Film Awards. LaBeouf won the Hollywood Breakthrough Award for his film Honey Boy, which he wrote and directed, based on his history as a child star. As a mea culpa for his previous bad behavior, LaBeouf included the following acknowledgement: “I want to thank the police officer who arrested me in Georgia for changing my life,” said LaBeouf. “[and] my therapist and my sponsor for saving my life.”

He was referring to an incident in 2017 where he was arrested for public drunkenness in Savannah, Ga. Paparazzi caught footage of him lashing out at officers with a lewd, profanity-laced tirade. In an interview with Esquire, he was frank about his response:

“What went on in Georgia was mortifying. White privilege and desperation and disaster… It came from a place of self-centered delusion … It was me trying to absolve myself of guilt for getting arrested.”

According to LaBeouf, the fallout from the arrest drove him to pursue sobriety more seriously, which drove him to seek help for his addictions.

Possible Preaching Angles: It's a mark of maturity to not only appreciate discipline, but to take time to give thanks for it, because the discipline of God is not proof of God's disdain for us, but of His love for us.

There are four qualities that distinguish highly grateful people from less grateful people. They experience gratitude:

(1) More intensely for a positive event

(2) More frequently throughout the day

(3) With greater density for any given benefit (i.e., they are grateful to more people for every positive event)

(4) They’re grateful for a wider span of benefits at any given time in their lives (e.g., for being included in an activity, or for succeeding on a test, or performing well in a game).

Therefore, one way you’ll know that your child and you are becoming more grateful … is that you’ll both start to noticeably embody these four qualities.