Unfailing Love

A dramatic change from the trend seen in previous years was marked by the unexpected increase in marriages that the COVID-19 lockdowns brought about. Marital records from 2022 show a significant increase, with the marriage rate reaching 6.2 per capita and over two million marriages in a year.

Marissa Nelson, a registered marriage and family therapist, believes that lockdowns forced couples to face difficulties head-on, resulting in increased intentionality in relationships. She writes, “Being in lockdown together gave many couples a unique hurdle to overcome,” resulting in a better knowledge of critical factors such as finances, compromise, and autonomy.

Divorce rates continued their downward trend from the previous years, even though they had been expected to increase in 2022. While the rate was slightly higher than the previous year at 2.4 per 1,000 individuals, it is still dramatically declining from the 2000 figure of 4 per 1,000.

The hurdles created by lockdowns forced couples to confront underlying concerns, potentially laying the groundwork for stronger relationships. Nelson highlights that being confined together forced couples to tackle relationship issues, which boosted resilience and stability for the future.

Ian Kerner, a registered marriage and family therapist, has noticed a movement in marital paradigms, from “romantic” to “companionate” relationships. Individuals are increasingly prioritizing attributes similar to those seen in best friends, preferring long-term stability and fulfillment to brief excitement.

After the pandemic, marital dynamic changes reflect ideas on commitment, stability, and partnership. While issues remain, trends indicate a greater emphasis on deliberate relationships and long-term compatibility.

Possible Preaching Angle:

There are some good lessons here for couples in the church who are having marital issues and doubts. Don’t give up on your marriage. Investing the time to discuss your issues, perhaps with a counselor involved, can often bring hope and healing to a relationship.

According to a new study, the secret to a longer, happier marriage may lie in couples consolidating their finances. Researchers found that married couples with joint bank accounts argued less about money, felt more confident about household financial management, and reported better overall relationship satisfaction. Couples sharing resources also felt more unified and committed to shared goals.

Researchers from Indiana University’s Kelley School of Business reported:

When we surveyed people of varying relationship lengths, those who had merged accounts reported higher levels of communality within their marriage compared to people with separate accounts, or even those who partially merged their finances. Considering the significant shifts we observed over two years, this is compelling evidence for the benefits of merging finances. It certainly warrants a discussion with your partner.

At the start of the study, everyone maintained separate bank accounts and agreed to consider changing their financial arrangements. This was the first marriage for all participants. Some couples were randomly instructed to keep their separate bank accounts, while others were advised to open a joint bank account. A third group was given the freedom to decide for themselves.

After two years, couples who were instructed to open joint bank accounts reported significantly higher relationship quality than those who kept separate accounts. The researchers believe that merging finances encourages greater alignment with financial goals, increased transparency, and a shared understanding of marital responsibilities.

Tucked away in the church grounds of Biertan, a quiet village in Romania, there is a small cottage known as the “matrimonial prison.” It was here that couples whose marriages were on the rocks were once sent, to sort out their problems while being locked away for up to two weeks. The method was said to be so effective that records show that there has only been one divorce in the area for the past 300 years.

In Biertan, the most important structure was the church and within the grounds is a small building with a room inside barely larger than a pantry. Couples who approached the local bishop to seek a divorce were sent to this matrimonial prison for a maximum of two weeks—six weeks according to some—to iron out their issues. The room was sparsely furnished with a table and chair, a storage chest, and a traditional Saxon bed. The couple attempting to repair their marriages had to share everything inside this tiny dwelling, from a single pillow and blanket to a single plate and spoon.

According to Lutheranism, the religion of the area, divorce was allowed under certain circumstances, such as adultery. But it was preferred that couples attempt to save their union.

Ulf Ziegler, Biertan’s current priest said, “The reason to remain together was probably not love. The reason was to work and to survive. If a couple was locked inside for six weeks, it was very hard for them to (grow) enough food the following year, so there was pressure to get out and to continue to work together.”

The small, dark room is currently a museum, yet Ziegler reveals that even today he receives requests from couples who look forward to using the prison to repair their own struggling marriages.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Divorce is far too easy in our culture. Although we cannot recommend this method, the idea of a couple being “encouraged” to seriously talk through their issues before simply rushing into divorce is sound.

Julie, a registered nurse from Los Angeles, California, has worked in a hospice and ICU for around 14 years. She has been using her expertise and knowledge to educate her 372,400 TikTok followers about death.

Her heart-warming comments as well as her love for her job have led to her videos going viral with people desperate to know about what to expect when family and friends pass away. She said: “I love educating patients and families about what to expect with hospice. I also really like giving the patient and family some comfort knowing we will be there to manage their symptoms.”

Julie explained that changes in breathing, changes in skin color, and fevers, just to name a few, are all normal stages. She then said, “There is something most people say before they die and it’s usually ‘I love you’ or they call out to their mom or dad — who have usually already died.”

In a recent Cosmopolitan article, Pauline Jayne Isaac lists the 36 greatest on-screen love stories of all time. She begins:

The most famous movie couples have the ability to turn cynics into believers, critics into fans, and can even warm the iciest of hearts. Whether it's a romantic comedy or a drama—the outcome is the same. Love stories make you believe in love.

But the title reveals a problem; "Sorry, But I Just Have to Say It: These Iconic Movie Couples Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love.” Unrealistic expectations are, of course, a key issue in marriages.

Over the years, of course, countless love stories have been told at the box office. Isaac limited her list by selecting stories that met three criteria: "the couples have to be aspirational, the chemistry palpable, and most importantly, the love has to be intense."

Perhaps Hollywood love stories create unrealistic expectations because they are not love stories. An authentic love story is not built on the glamour of aspiration, the feel of chemistry, and thrill of intensity, experiences that come and go while real love remains.

Possible Preaching Angle:

God’s work of grace in Jesus Christ is a “legit love story." It has "the ability to turn cynics into believers, critics into fans, and can even warm the iciest of hearts.”

In the novel Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (written in 1994) an older man named Dr. Iannis tells his daughter about his love for his late wife. He says that at first love “erupts like a volcano” but then it subsides. “And when it subsides,” he continues, “you have to make a decision. Do you want real love or just being ‘in love?’”

Then he gives this definition for true marital love: “[Real] love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away … Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we found we were one tree and not two.”

Americans say they believe in “true love.” In a recent survey, 61 percent of women and 72 percent of men believe in love at first sight. Another poll asked, “Do you believe in the idea of soul mates, that is two people who are destined to be together?” 74 percent of men and 71 percent of women answered “yes.” This often creates extremely unrealistic expectations in marriage about how a spouse will meet our needs.

Research has also shown that our expectations for love and romance are heavily influenced by the movies and shows we watch. But the actors in these “true love/soulmate” movies can’t live up to the reality they create on the screen. Researcher Arthur Brooks says:

Hollywood doesn’t have your love interests at heart. When you indulge in a romantic comedy, consider its source. … “A-list” screen stars have a divorce rate of 52 percent within the first 16 years of their first or subsequent marriages, more than 10 points higher than the rate after the same length of time among Americans who wed in the 1970s; more than 20 points higher than Americans who wed for the first time in the 1960s. Not even the creators of the movie can achieve the standard they are promoting. Enjoy the occasional rom-com as entertainment if you must, but do so in the way you do science fiction, because it is about as realistic.

Falling in love can be exhilarating, but it isn’t the secret to marital happiness. “Passionate love”—the period of falling in love—often hijacks our brains in a way that can cause elation or the depths of despair. But, according to researcher Arthur Brooks (writing in The Atlantic), the secret to happiness isn’t falling in love; it’s staying in love. Brooks writes:

This does not mean just sticking together legally: Research shows that being married only accounts for 2 percent of subjective well-being later in life. The important thing for well-being is relationship satisfaction, and that depends on what psychologists call “companionate love”—love based less on passionate highs and lows and more on [friendship], stable affection, mutual understanding, and commitment.

Passionate love, which relies on attraction, does not typically last beyond the novelty of the relationship … As one researcher bluntly summarizes the evidence in the Journal of Happiness Studies, “The well-being benefits of marriage are much greater for those who also regard their spouse as their best friend.”

Michael Gerson, a former presidential speechwriter, delivered a sermon at Washington National Cathedral in which he talked about being hospitalized for depression:

Like nearly one in 10 Americans — and like many of you — I live with this insidious, chronic disease. Depression is a malfunction in the instrument we use to determine reality. The brain experiences a chemical imbalance and wraps a narrative around it. So, the lack of serotonin, in the mind’s alchemy, becomes something like, “Everybody hates me.” Over time, despair can grow inside you like a tumor.

But then you reach your breaking point — and do not break. With patience and the right medicine, the fog in your brain begins to thin. … Over time, you begin to see hints and glimmers of a larger world outside the prison of your sadness.

I think this medical condition works as a metaphor for the human condition. All of us — whatever our natural serotonin level — look around us and see plenty of reason for doubt, anger and sadness. A child dies, a woman is abused, a schoolyard becomes a killing field, a typhoon sweeps away the innocent. If we knew or felt the whole of human suffering, we would drown in despair.

The answer to the temptation of nihilism is not an argument — though philosophy can clear away a lot of intellectual foolishness. It is the experience of transcendence we cannot explain, or explain away … there is this difference for a Christian believer: At the end of all our striving and longing we find, not a force, but a face. ... God’s promise is somewhat different: That even when strength fails, there is perseverance. And even when perseverance fails, there is hope. And even when hope fails, there is love. And love never fails.

In the novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin, an old man is talking to his daughter about the secret of marital love between he and his late wife. He tells her:

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other, underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree and not two.

Mary Daniel hadn't seen her husband for 114 days due to coronavirus restrictions at the senior care facility where he lives. Her husband, Steve, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago and moved into a care facility in Jacksonville, Florida.

She said she had been visiting her husband every night and would get him ready for bed. But when the coronavirus pandemic hit, health facilities restricted visitors as a way to prevent the spread of COVID-19 to vulnerable patients. The facility closed to visitors on March 11—the last time she saw Steve as a visitor.

Mary was worried about her husband spending so much time alone and said she was “desperate” to find another way to stay connected. She said, “We have separated these folks to save them, but … the isolation will absolutely kill them. Especially dementia patients, they need interaction. They need to be touched … so that they can grow instead of just really wither away.”

Mary said, “Out of the blue, two weeks ago, the corporate office of his memory care center called me and said, 'We've got a part-time job available; would you like to take it?’” She was willing to do any job they offered for the chance to get inside, and what they ended up giving her was a dishwashing position.

The job is allowing Mary to see her husband regularly, and she's grateful or it. “It is worth it to be able to visit him, and I can already just tell the difference in his demeanor after three visits. I get to go again tonight ... it has made the world of difference for me.” She said her husband now feels love—something he missed out on when they were separated. “I'm so grateful ... I am so lucky and fortunate. I want to be with him every day.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

We were separated from God due to the effects of sin (Eph. 2:12; 4:18), yet God wanted to show his deep love for us. The only way was for Jesus to enter our world was in the role of a servant. He willingly did this to be with us and reunite us with God.

In our culture, lifelong marriage is viewed as practically unattainable, even unnatural.