Vindictiveness

For Uwe Holmer, a German pastor, the question wasn’t simple. But it was clear.

The one-time East German dictator Erich Honecker was asking for his help. Honecker had long been an enemy of the church, who had also personally harried and harassed Holmer’s own family for years.

But now the Communist leader had been pushed from power, driven from his home, turned out of a hospital onto the street—and he was asking the Lutheran church to take him in. At one point, Holmer found himself praying for Erich Honecker. He knew how much power the Communist leader had, how he was praised everywhere he went, and how bad that must be for his soul.

Holmer had to decide what he believed. He knew what the answer was.

“Jesus says to love your enemies,” he explained to his neighbors at the time. “When we pray, forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us—“we must take these commands seriously.”

The evangelical minister accepted the deposed dictator into his home in January 1990 and cared for him and his wife Margot for two and a half months. The action shocked Germans, East and West. The 40-year division of the country had just collapsed, and as the Cold War came to a surprising end, the German people didn’t know how they should treat those on the other side.

The until-then unknown pastor offered one bold answer: forgiveness and hospitality. Bitterness, Holmer said, is “not a good starting point for a new beginning among our people.”

Protestors arrived to yell at the minister and demand punishment for Honecker. “No grace for Honecker!” one sign said. Holmer reminded his neighbors of a statue of Jesus in town with Matthew 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary … and I will give you rest.” He reminded them of the Lord’s Prayer, asking God to forgive them as they forgave others.

In 2019, David and Ina Steiner were running a newsletter called CommerceBytes. The newsletter reported on a lawsuit by online retailer eBay alleging that its rival Amazon had poached many of its third-party sellers. The Steiners probably knew the story would anger officials at one or both of the tech companies, but had no idea how far they might go to retaliate. As it turns out, they went too far. Way too far.

The intimidating harassment included bizarre and unexpected deliveries of items to the Steiners’ home, including live spiders, cockroaches, a funeral wreath, and a bloody pig mask. U.S. Attorney Josh Levy said, "eBay engaged in absolutely horrific, criminal conduct.”

James Baugh was eBay’s senior director of safety and security at the time. Prosecutors called him the ringleader of the harassment, citing an email where he called Ina Steiner “a biased troll who needs to be burned down.”

The company announced in January it will pay a fine of $3 million to resolve criminal charges levied against several of its employees in connection with a campaign of harassment against the Steiners.

The CEO of eBay, Jamie Iannone, called the employee behavior “wrong and reprehensible.” He went on to say, “since these events occurred, new leaders have joined the company, and eBay has strengthened its policies and training. EBay remains committed to upholding high standards of conduct and ethics and to making things right with the Steiners.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Uncontrolled anger and a thirst for revenge can lead to many costly mistakes, both in the business world and in a person’s private life.

Shayden Walker didn’t know what was waiting for him on the other side of his neighbor’s doorbell. All he knew was he needed some help. "I was wanting to see if you knew any kids around 11 or 12 maybe,” said Shayden, in footage caught on the neighbor’s doorbell camera. “Cause I need some friends real bad," explaining that he’d been bullied at school.

As it turns out, his neighbors in the Ray family didn’t have any kids his age. But one of them had a TikTok account, where they posted the video of their encounter with Shayden. It went viral, being viewed over six million times.

Shayden’s mother, Krishna Patterson said, "He's been hospitalized because the bullying was so bad and he felt so isolated.” Shayden said, “What my life was like before ... kids were manipulating me and (said) they would be my friend. But when they ask me to do something horrible, I don't feel like they're actually my friend.”

The Rays also set up a GoFundMe account for the boy, where they raised over $40,000, exceeding any expectations they might have had for finding help. Because of such generosity, Shayden will get to purchase some new clothes, a video game system, and tickets to an amusement park.

And Shayden’s mom has advice for anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation to the Ray’s. “If you see it [bullying], just advocate for that person. Just be there for that person. Do not let that person suffer," said Patterson.

Shayden himself has a message for anyone else who might be considering bullying behavior. “How would you like it if someone were to bully you? How would that make you feel?"

Possible Preaching Angle:

The Lord loves to answer the call of the afflicted, and does not leave the righteous forsaken.

Tim Keller, told the following story about a man named Hasheem Garrett, who learned the art of forgiveness. Hashim was a 15-year-old, living with his mother and hanging out on the streets of Brooklyn with a gang, when he was shot six times and was left paralyzed from the waist down.

For most of the next year he lay in a New York City hospital, fantasizing about revenge. He later wrote: “Revenge consumes me. All I could think about was, just wait, till I get better; just wait till I see this kid.”

But when he was lying on the sidewalk immediately after his shooting, he had instinctively called out to God for help, and, to his surprise, he had felt this strange tranquility. Now during his rehabilitation, a new thought, struck him, namely, that if he took revenge on this kid, why should God not pay him back for all his sins? He concluded, “I shot a kid for no reason, except that a friend told me to do it, and I wanted to prove how tough I was. Six months later, I am shot by somebody because his friend told him to do it.”

That thought was electrifying … He could not feel superior to the perpetrator. They were both fellow sinners who deserved a punishment—and needed forgiveness.

Hasheem said, “In the end I decided to forgive. I felt God had saved my life for a reason, and then I had better fulfill that purpose … And I knew I could never go back out there and harm someone. I was done with that mindset and the life that goes with it … I came to see that I had to let go and stop hating.”

Revenge really is a dish best served cold--as people who feel wronged by someone else can take up to a year to exact retribution, according to new research. Instant retaliation is uncommon, say Dutch psychologists, who found that only about one person in ten strikes back immediately after being offended.

Study co-author Maartje Elshout said, “Our results show that revenge takes place after some time. Real-life revenge is not so much focused on deterrence, but on restoring self-esteem or a sense of power. The act of revenge does not need to be instantaneous nor proportional.”

In the study, Dr. Elshout and her team quizzed nearly 2,000 people aged 16 to 89 about their experience of revenge. Results show that 14 percent took revenge immediately, within a minute. About 36 per cent took up to a week, with 23 percent striking one to four weeks later. Some 21 percent hit back between one month and a year later, and around five percent took more than a year to get their own back. Dr. Elshout said, “Our findings suggest that revenge is typically delayed.”

Revenge acts admitted by participants in the study include infidelity, damaging a car, disclosing secrets, making false accusations, and trying to get someone fired. Other ways of taking revenge included humiliating someone, gossiping, lying, and breaking a promise.

It was late at night and a group of Jewish teenagers were on a walk around the Chestnut Hill Reservoir in Massachusetts. Boston College Police Officer Carl Mascioli was on patrol on May 17, that night. "As I approached them, two of them ran up to my car," said the patrolman. They said, "There was a body in the water."

Mascioli ran down the embankment and found a man partially submerged and not moving. He said, “While I was pulling him out of the water, I observed that he had a swastika on his hand ... It turned out the man the Jewish boys helped save had a tattoo of the Nazi symbol. I … let the gentlemen know sometimes some deeds have a funny way of turning around. Their good deed had a little bit of a twist to it.”

The students, who study at a nearby Yeshiva high school in Brighton, were not permitted to speak with reporters about the incident. But they had a message for the officer to share with the man they helped rescue. Mascioli recalled, “They wanted just to let him know that it was four young Jewish boys that helped save his life.” He said the students had no regrets about helping a man with an anti-Semitic tattoo. “A good deed is a good deed and that's part of life. We should be helping everybody out.”

It's unknown how the man ended up in the water. But police say he didn't have much time left, and if it hadn't been for the teenagers, the patrolman likely wouldn't have seen him. The man is expected to recover.

While seeking to better understand the nature of aggression, David Chester of Virginia Commonwealth University, along with Nathan DeWall of the University of Kentucky, started studying revenge. They discovered that a person who is insulted or socially rejected feels an emotional pain. The area in the brain associated with pain was most active in participants who went on to react with an aggressive response after feeling rejected. Chester said, “It’s tapping into an ancient … tendency to respond to threats and harm with aggressive retaliation.”

In a follow-up study he was surprised to find that emotional pain was intricately yoked with pleasure. That is, while rejection initially feels painful, it can quickly be masked by pleasure when presented with the opportunity to get revenge. It even activates the brain's known reward circuit, the nucleus accumbens. People who are provoked behave aggressively precisely because it can be a rewarding experience. Revenge really can be sweet.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In contrast to the desire of our old nature, God wants believers to forgive those who harm them, love their enemies, and pray for those who persecute them so that we show the world what God is like.

One-third of Americans say they lie awake at least a few nights a week. You can try meditation or medication, but according to a study published in the Journal of Psychology and Health, there’s another practice you could consider instead: forgiveness.

Researchers asked 1,423 American adults to rate themselves on how likely they were to forgive themselves for the things they did wrong and forgive others for hurting them. They also answered questions about how they had slept in the past 30 days.

The results suggest people who were more forgiving were more likely to sleep better and for longer, and, in turn, have better physical health. Forgiveness may help individuals leave the day’s regrets and offenses in the past and promote sound sleep. Otherwise, as many troubled sleepers have experienced, we might have too much on our minds to get any rest.

People who don’t forgive, researchers explain, tend to linger on unpleasant thoughts and feelings, such as anger, blame, and regret. This can involve painful rumination—repetitive thoughts about distress. That resentment or bitterness could be detracting from sleep quality and well-being, the study suggests.

Possible Preaching Angles: This study offers a new perspective on forgiveness as a key factor in achieving healthy sleep. So while it isn’t guaranteed to resolve your sleeping issues, forgiveness could be something to try out. Letting go of lingering difficult thoughts and feelings may help you not only avoid that stare-down with your clock tonight, but also feel better tomorrow.

When Randy Smalls found out his daughter was participating in the bullying of another girl at her middle school, he took swift action. But rather than simply disciplining his daughter with a typical punitive action, he took a different approach.

Ryan Reese, the target of the bullying, had been struggling with the loss of several family members. When Smalls’ wife, who was friends with Ryan’s mother, found out about Ryan’s struggles at school, they devised a plan.

Using the money that he initially intended to spend on his daughter, Smalls took Ryan out on a shopping spree, and had his daughter come along to help pick out her clothes. Then after dropping his daughter off at church, Smalls took Ryan to a beauty salon for a makeover. He even convinced several other salons to donate their services so that Ryan could be styled twice-a-month for several months.

Ryan’s mother, Richaun, was grateful to see a smile on her daughter’s face. “This is the first time I’ve seen a parent take such a stance on bullying.” Smalls took such drastic action because he remembers being bullied himself as a youth. “I say, ‘When you laugh along, you’re co-signing the bullying.’”

Potential Preaching Angles: God has a heart for the outcast and rejected, and has judgment in store for those who marginalize others instead of loving the marginalized.

Vishal Mangalwadi, a Christian leader from India, writes movingly of the impact that Gladys Stains had on his nation. Gladys and her husband, Graham, and their sons, had devoted their life to serving lepers in India's eastern state of Orissa. Vishal writes:

Gladys was an ordinary housewife, but she stunned our nation by spontaneously, unpretentiously, humbly, and genuinely forgiving militant Hindus for their atrocities. They had burned alive her husband, Graham, and two little sons on January 23, 1999. In 2005, the government of India honored Gladys with one of our highest civilian honors—Padma Bhushan.

Why should an individual be given a national honor simply for forgiving murderers? To appreciate that forgiveness, remember that India's and Pakistan's births as free nations came with the terrible pain of Hindu-Muslim-Sikh sectarian riots. About ten million were made homeless. One-half to one million people were killed, including Mahatma Gandhi. Fifty years of secular democracy and education could not free us from this destructive chain of violence and revenge. Hindu-Muslim clashes have burned trainloads of innocent passengers, leading to riots that last for weeks. Frequent riots have reduced Indian Muslims to relative poverty and powerlessness. Any successful Muslim businessman is a marked target for the next round of riots. Even sympathetic bankers hesitate to lend to him.

Gladys's simple act of forgiveness became a national phenomenon because it broke this common chain of cause and effect. In city after city, Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, and secular leaders gathered to publicly honor Gladys as a saint to emulate. The government of India was simply the last in line to acknowledge that Gladys Stains is an ordinary woman with an extraordinary spirit—possessed of a spirituality that could heal our nation.

Mike Love, 83 years old as of 2024, is one of the original members of the Beach Boys, known for his contribution to such hits as "California Girls," "Help Me Rhonda," "I Get Around," and others. But according to an article in Rolling Stone, the most important thing to know about Love is that he meditates twice a day, without fail, and has done so for years. "It helps you deal with whatever you're dealing with," said Love. "I meditate in order to cope with things."

And over the years, he's certainly had a lot to deal with: a former wife had an affair with his cousin Dennis Wilson, also a member of the Beach Boys; Love's name didn't make it onto the publishing credits for many of the Beach Boys early songs—something Love filed a lawsuit over; as well as a strained relationship with Brian Wilson—considered to be the genius behind the Beach Boys.

So has years of twice-daily meditation helped Love? When asked what he would say to his cousin and former band-mate Brian Wilson if he were standing before him, Love responded, "I'd probably say, 'I love you,'" moisture gathering in the corner of his eyes. "And I love what we did together. And let's do it again."

But then he gives his head a shake, narrows his eyes, any wetness there drying up, frowns and once again gives voice to what no amount of meditation can ever smooth over. "I've been ostracized," he says quietly. "Vilified …"

In a 2015 interview with GQ, actor Rob Lowe admits he got sober through public humiliation. The pretty boy of the 1980s TV show Brat Pack, Lowe spent his early 20s enjoying fame and women. "In those days, the pre-sobriety days, it was, like, all good. You know: However I can get there … I was perfectly happy." But Lowe's career came crashing to a halt, he hit bottom, and entered rehab for his addiction.

He hasn't had a drink since. What's his secret? Lowe said, "For someone in recovery like me, the single greatest hurdle—the number one with a bullet that will make you drink—is resentment. You can't have it. People always say, 'How have you been sober 26 years? What's the secret?' Well, that's it."

Possible Preaching Angles: Rob Lowe is not a believer nor does he espouse a Christian worldview, but this quote does express a key biblical truth.

In his book Being Nixon: A Man Divided, author Evan Thomas recalls the occasion when then President Richard Nixon received word that former president Dwight Eisenhower had died. Eisenhower had asked Nixon to deliver his eulogy. Thomas writes:

Sitting by the fire on a cold early spring evening, Nixon began to muse to his speechwriter, Ray Price, about one particular quality that set Eisenhower apart. "Everybody loved Ike," Nixon said, not a little enviously. "But the reverse of that was that Ike loved everybody." Nixon went on: "He never hated his critics, not even the press. He'd just say, 'I'm a little puzzled by those fellows.'"

Price could picture Nixon's mind working, catching himself. Nixon knew that what he had said was not quite true. It was too much to believe that Ike never felt anger. The difference was that, after a blowup, the anger passed, while Nixon let it fester. At some level, Nixon might have wished to emulate Eisenhower. But he couldn't. Possibly, he did not want to; resentment, though toxic, was vital to Nixon.

Herman Melville's Moby Dick tells a story of revenge and obsession. Captain Ahab, a whaler, loses a leg to a white whale. A smoldering anger begins to grow in the one-legged captain.

I know that he was never very jolly; and I know that on the passage home, he was a little out of his mind for a spell … I know, too, that ever since he lost his leg last voyage by that accursed whale, he's been a kind of moody—desperate moody, and savage sometimes.

Captain Ahab's anger grows into a fixation on revenge against the sea monster. As his lust and hatred grow, so does his lack of wisdom. On his next whale-hunting trip, the driving force in his soul begins to override good judgment, putting the man, the crew, and his ship into insanely hazardous situations. Common sense is overruled by his wild passion for killing the white whale. All else is secondary. As the captain hurls man and ship into the perilous seas of hate, his opportunity to take vengeance finally arrives. The white whale is within Ahab's grasp. A chase ensues for three days. The crewmembers realize that Ahab's folly may mean doom—not for the whale, but for themselves.

A man named Starbuck, Ahab's first mate and the only one who dares to question the captain, cries out, "Oh! Ahab, not too late is it, even now, the third day, to desist. See! Moby Dick seeks you not. It is you, you, that madly seek him!" But it is too late. Ahab's desire for revenge grows deeper, ignoring every danger. In the end, the ship is lost; the crew, save one, is lost; and Ahab loses both his quest and his life. The white whale—representing the great unknowable—has won.

Possible Preaching Angles: Hatred; Revenge; Bitterness—Moby Dick illustrates the dark path down which hatred can lead us. We may think revenge and hatred will bring us salvation. But, as with Captain Ahab, they bring us—spiritually, if not literally—only certain death.

In 1964 Nelson Mandela began his prison sentence at Rodden Island, the former site of a leper colony and the insane. For the next 27 years, Mandela would only be known as prisoner number 46664. Day after day for 27 years he labored in a limestone quarry, chipping away at white rock under a bright and merciless sun. Without the benefit of protective eyewear, Mandela virtually destroyed his tear ducts, which for years robbed his ability to cry. Then on February 11, 1990 something surprising happened: Mandela was released from prison.

The world wondered how he would respond. Would he rage at the world and the oppressive system that had him imprisoned? Would he express regret for the suffering his convictions had caused him? Instead, Mandela quietly spoke of the nobility of being able to suffer for what we believe.

"To go to prison because of your convictions," he said, "and be prepared to suffer for what you believe in, is something worthwhile. It is an achievement for a man to do his duty on earth irrespective of the consequences."

Editor's Note: The following illustration was adapted from an article by Michael Wheeler, a professor at Harvard Business School.

According to Major David Dixon, recently retired from the U.S. Marine Corps, from Day 1 every Marine is taught to live a life worthy of a Marine. They're also taught to hold one another accountable to that standard of excellence. Dixon says,

If the Marine next to you is falling asleep in class, you must have the moral courage to wake him up and motivate him to stay awake. If you are caught sleeping in class at boot camp, not only do you get in trouble for laziness, but the Marine to your left and to your right get in trouble for lack of moral courage because they should have corrected you when you were in the wrong.

There's a graphic example of this principle from a unit of British Marine commandos. During the war in Afghanistan, a unit came across an insurgent, badly wounded but unarmed. One of the British Marine soldiers, seething with rage, pointed his pistol at the man. He told the man to die and then pulled the trigger. The Marine's parting words were "It's nothing you wouldn't do to us." The solider then turned to his fellow commandos and said, "Obviously this doesn't go anywhere, fellas. I just broke the Geneva Convention." But word did get out in the following days, and that commando was found guilty of murder.

Could anything been said or done to prevent the tragedy? Some military experts believe that the murder could have been prevented if just one other Marine in that unit had the courage to confront their fellow-soldier and hold him accountable. It would have taken only four simple words: "Marines don't do that."

Why do we enjoy watching others—especially rich, powerful, famous people—"fall from grace"? Joseph Epstein commented on our need to know and discuss stories about prominent people who have failed:

How delightful to those of us living out our modest lives, to witness, if only through the media, such ego-filled balloons getting popped .… When we see someone mightier than we divested of his dignity, stripped of his pretentions, humiliated in public, we feel comforted by having retained our own dignity, pretensions, good name. Perhaps after all, we conclude, it is just as well that we are not so rich, powerful, beautiful, talented. Relishing in others humiliations is good for our ego …. Even when we know deep down that if [our local newspaper] knew everything about us, we might be on the cover too.

During the days of the "desert fathers" (a 4th century Christian movement that tried to renew the church), a young man came to his spiritual mentor and father-figure named Sisoes. The young man blurted out, "I was hurt by my brother in Christ, and now I'm angry and I want to avenge myself."

The older man tried to comfort him, but he also gave him a gentle warning: "Don't do that, my child. Rather, leave vengeance to God."

But the young Christian refused to listen to Sisoes. Instead, he became even angrier and loudly said, "I will not quit until I get even."

When Sisoes saw that reason alone wouldn't change the young man's heart, he quietly said, "Let us pray, brother."

After a pause, Sisoes offered the following prayer: "O God, apparently we no longer need you to take care of us since we can now avenge ourselves. From now on we can manage our own lives without your help."

When the young man heard this prayer, he immediately repented. Falling at Sisoes feet, he cried out, "Have mercy on me. I am not going to fight my brother anymore."

Twenty years ago, [my wife Bonnie] and I went through what was for us the most difficult experience of our lives. We were sued by a young woman … [whom] we had tried to help. On several occasions Bonnie had gone over to clean her house, and we'd had her over for dinner. When we got that suit, it just felt like we'd tried to wash someone's feet and got kicked in the mouth. She blamed us for things for which we weren't responsible. I saw how lawyers work. They were constructing a case I didn't believe was there. That suit came after we had begun [teaching at a seminary], and I think I was down emotionally. Bonnie and I used to walk together and commit the situation to the Lord. In fact, every time we drive that way, Bonnie says to me, "Remember the walks we had?" I wish I could tell you I was pure and noble, but at that time, I would have been happy if this woman had gotten run over by a truck.

But love doesn't think like that. I found that as we prayed about it every day there came a time when I could no longer talk about it to the Lord. I'd say, Lord, you know what's on my heart, and you know the details. You do it. And then there came a time when I prayed, Lord, you know that I think she's done us wrong. But I may be wrong. If vengeance is necessary, you do it. And again and again I found myself thinking, I serve a God who has forgiven all of my sins, and they are many. And on the basis of that I can begin to forgive her.

I tell this story not because I'm an expert about how to show forgiveness, but I do know that when, in the power of the Spirit and the love of God, you work with it, you can take that truth about love off the page and see it work in your life.

Alfred Lord Tennyson said of Archbishop Cranmer: "To do him a hurt was to beget a kindness from him. His heart was made of such fine soil that if you planted in it the seeds of hate they blossomed love." I want that to be true of us. And we're better at it than we think we are, because the Spirit of love lives in those who put their trust in Jesus Christ.